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Original poster

Christmas - a great way of telling the infertile they're a social pariah

105 replies

HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 14:55

That's it really. I should have got used to it by now. But sister recently announced she's pregnant for the third time (totally unplanned, silly her, ha ha ha). That's three kids in the time we have just been wanting and failing to have just one. So despite trying not to appear so in front of me, DM is thrilled and can't/won't stop talking about it.

We're fed up of spending Christmas on the road (hundreds of miles over two weeks every sodding year) in order to be granted the honour of interacting with family members, and have recently moved into a lovely cottage near the sea, and wanted Christmas at home for once. Asked the PIL back in September if they'd like to come and they said "lovely yes please". It transpired that then SIL asked them to come to hers, and play happy families with her brood. PIL are very materialistic and love buying shit stuff for the GC so they said yes they'll go to hers instead. Didn't actually have the manners to let us know, just hoped we'd find out somehow, which we have.

Infertile people - don't think you're worth anything at Christmas. You have not procreated. Grandparents want to spoil grandchildren at Christmas and you have failed to produce any.

Wankers Angry

If anyone wants to tell me I'm vile and bitter, don't bother.

OP posts:
camelfinger · 01/12/2015 16:23

That's incredibly rude of them. What does your DH think? Would it be worth challenging them on this?

Infertility is especially hard at Christmas. As well as all the 'Christmas is for kids' bollocks, it also tends to highlight that another year has passed without a baby.

Your Christmas plans sound wonderful.

Kittymum03 · 01/12/2015 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 16:30

camelfinger he's very much of a "say nothing for an easy life" frame of mind. Given that we don't see much of them, he may have a point. But I might drop a few barbs here and there. It is fucking rude isn't it?

Given that her children pretty much drown in plastic crap every year and hardly even acknowledged the stuff we bought them last year, I don't think they'd notice anyway! I don't blame the children of course, they're only young. It's the parents who lack manners and charm.

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 01/12/2015 16:33

All of that is unacceptable especially the bit about no presents for adults. One of my siblings has no children so I buy for her but she only buys for my DCs as we decided it wasn't fair on her to have to buy for adults and children (and she chose to buy for the children rather than adults)

Your Christmas Day sounds loads of fun I hope you really enjoy it. Smile

Original poster
HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 16:34

I knew you lot would understand. It's not that you want to stamp and shout "I want a present!" Of course not. But still...

Am quite looking forward to the day now!

OP posts:
DickDewy · 01/12/2015 16:39

Your Christmas sounds infinitely preferable to your in-laws'.

They will be knee deep in plastic tat and will probably have to watch Frozen.

Yours, OP, sounds so much more enjoyable.

fakenamefornow · 01/12/2015 16:42

Your Christmas sounds great! Ever tempted to join in the Christmas day swim?

Your thread did make me think though. We have three children, my mum (I have no siblings and dad's dead) always come to us (fair enough) mil always come to us as well, well she has since the children were born, the eldest is now 10. DH has one older brother, he's married but the no children, not through choice. We always invite them to come for Christmas but they never do. I wonder if they'd like MIL one year though. I do feel they get left out by her.

Maybe they like Christmas just the two of them though. They have a really great life going on already and if they did come to us the children would take centre stage, your right, children always do at Christmas. If MIL came to them it might be a bit odd if they're used to just the two of them.

Have fun op, Christmas is great for adults and I'm really looking forward to an adult only christmas in the future.

DipsoHippo · 01/12/2015 16:44

Last year DH and I had our first Christmas dinner alone and it was frigging brilliant. Good food, drinks, able to veg in front of tv, fire lit, pjs back on at tea time... I really thought we'd miss our families (who we normally love spending time with), but nope!

Your Christmas plans sound fab. Trying to think of some kid-free friends who might like to join us for ours...

honeysucklejasmine · 01/12/2015 16:44

Eugh. Have you seen all the delightful "if you thought Christmas was great as a kid, its even better when you have kids" smarmy smug twatty posts on Facebook?

For a couple of years we've only done "proper presents" for the kids - DNs and some cousins who are a generation behind. But we still did bottle of wine etc for adults. How miserable to not get anything!

Luckily neither DParents or DPIL are arseholes, so there's none of the shit you're putting up with.

I'm now pregnant and tbh the tedious "how's it going?" and "are you excited?" questions we're getting are almost as bad as the insensitivity we had after the MC and during the wait to fall again.

I am very jealous of your cottage by the sea and plans to get roaring drunk this year. Sounds great!

Original poster
HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 16:54

honeysuckle thank fuck no, I'd probably vomit!

fakename, it's a tricky one. I obviously don't know your BIL or how he and his partner feel about things. From my point of view, perverse as it sounds as I didn't even want them here especially (they never clear up after themselves for a starters!), it was knowing that they would infinitely and obviously rather spend time with the people who had children, even to the extent that they wouldn't mind being rude and thoughtless in order to do so. We would never ever come first in their priorities, through no fault of our own at all. It's terribly unfair. Children are a great deal more fun to spend time with than the people who have the small house and no children. It's that feeling and it's not nice. Has your BIL asked his mum, do you know? It's maybe worth mentioning. But then maybe he doesn't want the hurt of her saying "No offence but I'd rather spend time with my grandchildren than you."

As for the Christmas Day swim, no way!! I'm an utter wuss about going in cold water even in the summer.

OP posts:
NigelLikesSalad · 01/12/2015 17:42

I used to find the best way through christmas was to avoid facebook and social media in general, drink lots, eat lots and generally spoil myself. It's up there with mothers day as a shit reminder of infertility. Your Christmas sounds ace and your PIL have been very rude.

SorrelForbes · 01/12/2015 17:55

No kids of my own - tick
Sibling with three - tick
Years spent buying for her kids and travelling to their house/parent's for the big' day - tick

Got married, gained two DSC who are now grown up and don't want to spend Christmas with us Sad.

To be fair, we had the perfect day a couple of years ago when we were fostering. Everyone came to us and it felt, for once, that we were the hub of things. it was rather nice. Sadly, we weren't able to continue looking after those children long term (we'd like to but not possible due to distance) so that adds another layer of sadness.

To top it all, DH was sent away with work three weeks ago at a day's notice, I haven't heard from him since and I have a horrible feeling he won't be back this side of the New Year.

OP, can I come to you Grin

eurochick · 01/12/2015 19:01

Hester you will have a fab day. You'll get to eat dinner without anyone telling the whole table they have done a poo and drink without worrying about being woken early when you have a sore head.

It is bloody hard for the infertiles at Xmas though. Facebook in particular is a shitfest of happy families. And your PIL are wankers. You will have a far better day without them. X

Original poster
HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 19:02

Sorrel! Of course you can! I think if I remember correctly that you're not too far away. Or was that the other bra interventionist? :o

Sorry to hear you DH is away like that - does it go with the work territory?

Have you fostered since? That might be something I'd be interested in doing at some point I think. At the moment we are eminently unsuitable due to our work hours.

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 01/12/2015 19:04

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Original poster
HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 19:05

Lovely euro how are you? And eurolet? She gets bonnier by the day :)

OP posts:
Original poster
HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 19:07

BabyGanoush with respect, you don't know me and you don't know my SIL. So perhaps that comment was rather ill thought out and you didn't need to type it.

That was remarkably restrained of me I think.

OP posts:
NigelLikesSalad · 01/12/2015 19:08

Ohhhh Hester I just remembered who you are! waves (it's me rasp....)

Original poster
HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 19:10

Awwight Nige/Rasp? A wee get together! How are you? It's been years.

Tittering at your new username :)

OP posts:
NigelLikesSalad · 01/12/2015 19:15

It has indeed been a long time. All good here thank you. I eloped from the book of face some time ago, felt like I'd cut my arm off for a bit but much better for the soul without it although I do feel I miss out on everyone's news!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 01/12/2015 19:16

You'll get to eat dinner without anyone telling the whole table they have done a poo

^^ That. Also having to get up and supervise an enormous, evil smelling poo at the very start of dinner.

Kittymum03 · 01/12/2015 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HesterShaw · 01/12/2015 19:21

Now I hope this thread won't go along the lines of "You can have one of mine if you like." :)

Actually I'm still smarting from BabyGanoush's comment. Threads like this are for the OP to have a little rant. Why would you come on and share the oft-held opinion that childless women hate women with children, that they're bitter, and twisted and full of hate. It's shit enough as it is people implying that, and I specifically said in the OP not to bother with bloody judgey comments like that. Way to go Angry.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 01/12/2015 19:23

Very restrained OP.
Have a lovely Christmas. Xmas Smile

NigelLikesSalad · 01/12/2015 19:25

I wish they'd remove the infertility section from appearing in the active threads. Stops all the cocky people popping in with their charming comments on a subject they can't possibly begin to understand.