The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Sat waiting for scan 1 of IUI round 2.... Lorraine Kelly on the TV, god this is all so monotonous!

Messaging a pregnant friend tonight (who knows the infertility background). "I'm off for wine" I said. "I'm so jealous" she replied.

Really? Urgh.

Just checking back in to say hi. Still bored of waiting for the slow wheels of the NHS to turn and get me started on my ivf cycle. I suppose I should be grateful that my CCG is not balancing its books by denying fertility treatment like they are doing in Essex. Bastards. Why not start charging people who have more than two kids for their maternity care, eh? Grrrr, the whole subject makes me livid.

hedges I'm sorry it's so tough. . It is pure grief and it isn't to be minimised.

I know we're all different and tell me to fuck off but I would have to try ivf, even if it was just part of my grieving process. I didn't find the cycle too tough. The gutting bit came afterwards and the short lived joy of a positive pg test came crashing down. 5-10% chance isn't unusual in late 30s early 40s. Having said that, I still blindly hope for a natural conception, so frankly I'm an idiot and not to be listened to. Went on a lovely break with DP and fully expected to get pg after lots of well timed sex. Instead I can tell that af will arrive bang on time on Tues, and I have a lovely chin spot to prove it. Fuck it.

Potatoes I would have struggled not to reply with some choice words. I have started to be pretty frank with people. I suspect I make my friends with kids uncomfortable these days.

Good luck karla. My FC had shit tv on too, drove me nuts!

and extra strength to you all.

Christmas is possibly the hardest time of year and I'll need all the I can get. My little bro is about to have a baby too. I was hoping I might be pg by Christmas but I doubt I will have even started ivf. .

tigerdog I would not tell you to fuck off. It's good to have your opinion and as you're someone who has been there and been through a cycle, it's good to know, as I'm still utterly terrified of IVF as a process. I still have 10 days before the appointment at the hospital to tell them what we have 'decided' to do, though I feel increasingly sure that DH and I will never be parents and that the process isn't something I could cope with.

Hope you all have a good sunday eve - Homeland for us tonight and WINE (the inlaws descended this morning so at least the house is tidy for a change)

Well lots of women have comments on this so i might add my bit, i never talk about it. Im perfectly fertile, i even had an abortion when I was young. Then I met my DH, ten years ago and wanted kids ever since. He had a vasectomy, I thought 'well it can't be that bad'. So we went for a reversal, it didn't work. We can't get anything on NHS because of him having children before, they are all grownup. Went for treatment in Sheffield, they told us to get IVF not IUI which is what they should have done..I was in so much pain I passed out during the retrieval, they noted it down as ' moderate pain'. My cervix tilts back so at embryo insertion that nurse tortured me for 15 minutes while having embryo out of the chamber. They persuaded us to have another go under general anesthetic, but didn't book an appointment with theatre nurse. They gave me wrong information so I had some water before procedure. They refused to treat me, I had to run about half a mile to the other end of the clinic knowing how much it would hurt again. Sheffield, of course, is not to be blamed in any way, it's all my own fault. We don't have any more money for more treatments, not even donor sperm.Today I found out my husbands son is to have his 5th child and I mainly have no options short of leaving my husband for another man...most of the time I'm ok, life goes on and children are no guarantee of happiness...but I just want a family of my own, I can't stop wanting that no matter how much I try...

So.. Been for a scan ready for supposed IUI round 2 tomorrow but I have already gone and ovulated. God damn it!
I did try to explain to the nurses last week that I thought leaving it this late was cutting it a bit fine as I usually ovulate on day 10 (which is today) but as they are the professionals I thought they new best!!!!
So they sent me home with an apology and told me to call them next month... Like I have all the time in the world or something.

Rant over.. Hope you're all doing ok.

Hi all. Not much to say, just checking in.
Our self funded ivf is starting slowly with all the appointments, check ups etc. Dates clash with xmas though so no real action until Jan/Feb.
to all of you having a hard time with insensitive friends, callous doctors and uncooperative bodies.
KOKO

Just wanted a bit of a rant to some people who might understand, so fed up at the minute. I feel like our life has stalled completely. We can't have caffeine, alcohol, we are having to be so careful with money as this is all costing soooo much, we are currently both on antibiotics that you can't have with food or dairy so every day the logistics of when/what to eat and when to take tablets has to be worked out. We want to move but can't because we don't know how much we might have to spend on the dreaded ivf, and who knows if we will ever succeed and if we are childless we would choose to live somewhere completely different anyway. My career is at a complete halt (more a nosedive off a cliff) as we don't know what the future will bring. And our dog is sick and whilst it's not major its just yet another thing. Trying so hard to look at all the positives in life but failing a little today. Looking at everyone's fun Halloween pics on FB today. We went out and tried to have fun but I feel like I've forgotten what a real carefree night out feels like I thought we were handling this all so well but now I realise that the hard part hasn't even got started properly yet.
to all, this is so tough.

Hello hug - and a hug for you. Yep. I know that feeling. We had a long talk yesterday about moving house (we have an awful long-term noise pollution problem where we are now thanks to a neighbour), if we can etc and that conversation about not needing to be near schools etc. We both have long term health problems and money is very very tight (I'm self employed and struggling). OBVIOUSLY all our friends have kids, money, and nice houses - but for us, the world just seems to have decided that these aren't things we shall have. Which is nice.

All I can say is - you WILL get through it. We both will. Time will tick on and things will get better. (And I hope your dog does too). Try to take things one step at a time and celebrate the small things, and sod Facebook, it's a pack of lies anyway.

You have a DP, you have a dog (I'd love a dog - hope to have one one day) - you DO have good things in your life and while it's all so fucking tough, it will get better. Roll on 2016 I say.

Big very empathetic hug for you because I do think I know how you feel. If you want a longer chat at any time I'm here. xxx

Hi hedges, thanks for the reply. Funny thing, we also have a noise pollution problem with a neighbour! And I totally get the feeling - a nice house/money/children just aren't things the universe is going to let us have (or not easily anyway). We are in the deciding phase about ivf and to be honest I really don't want to have to do something so invasive that may not work when we aren't even totally sure what the problem is. We just cancelled last
minute with the private clinic here (which cost us £350 as we had already paid ) and I have a very expensive box of drugs I'm not sure we are going to use. I've been looking into further testing / treatment abroad as I just really want someone to find something and fix us, rather than jump into a crazily expensive process with a really low success rate. Do you feel relieved now you have made a decision? Part of me would love to do that and put it behind us, part of me feels I'm not quite ready to do that yet. I know no one would want me to do it against my will but there is still a pressure from my dh and my mother. Anyway, looking on the bright side we both have our health and that is more important than anything. And I have had a lovely Sunday pottering around a market and having coffee with my dh, which 5years ago my single hungover self would have been very jealous of. So as hard as this is I guess we are very lucky in so many other ways. I'll stop rambling now. Have a for me!

Sorry hope that didn't sound insensitive saying we both have our health, hope you guys are ok

Oh hug you could be us! I feel EXACTLY the same way about IVF - I really, really don't want to do it, it's such a horrible, invasive thing - and yet I'm still not quite ready to close the door on it, and am panicked at the thought of doing so (we have a consultant appt. on Thursday and we're supposed to have decided by then, even though their last letter is really telling us that it's not going to work). Deciding about it is probably one of the worst things I've ever had to do. And I still can't quite do it. Because I still want a miracle to happen. Which it probably.

You are pretty much our twins in this - my DH read your post too and said 'oh I just want to go out for a drink with them' so we are raising our glasses at you.

Have a lovely evening with your DH - some women with kids would give a lot to have DHs who are kind and decent so perhaps that is where we HAVE got bloody lucky (even if the rest of it is currently a pile of shite!) x

(oh and yes we are OK - some long term things that get us down but aren't serious in the grand scheme of things)

which it probably won't! is what I meant to have typed

Ah hello twins, that brought a tear to my eye, if only we could go for a drink! I think one of the worst things is how isolating this is, we have to put a smile on for the world but alone we have this constant heavy weight and no one to discuss it with. I do know a few people who have had ivf but they are all out the other side now, some successfully, some not and I don't really want to discuss it with them. And I do feel I got really lucky already just meeting my wonderful dh, it kind of feels wrong, like tempting fate with ivf if you see what I mean. And all the drugs, forced menopause, how scary is that?!! My mum says it will all be worth it in the end, I can't really get her to see that actually there's about a 75+% chance it won't. And then I meet up with my friend with her perfect ivf baby and I think I just need to man the fuck up. I hope you can reach a decision you are happy with by Thursday, if not I hope they let you put it back a few months. We are thinking of trying in January at the minute, of course still hoping that we will get an all natural bfp before then! As if!

Had an itch that wouldn't go away on my finger this morning. Am ashamed to admit the thought crossed my mind 'could that be a weird symptom of....' NO! Shut the fuck up!!!

LOL lauraqc ;-) that made me smile.

So just been for my first reflexology treatment. All very nice and relaxing. I'm just not one for physical contact.... Probably why I'm have trouble ttc in the first place! Ha. But she could apparently tell from my hormone balance that I ovulated from my left ovary recently (which is true) but I'm still sceptical. Any thoughts on the subject? Tell me if it would be easier to through the £30 down the toilet I won't be offended!

Hi fractious, sounds like you're on the same time line as us. Nurse booking this month but dates clash with xmas so starting in Jan/Feb? We are also wrestling with the infinite consent forms. And all the other forms. Which I'm sure I've filled out a thousand times already.

Only two pregnancy announcements last month which is not bad going.

Waiting sucks.

Was with friends at the weekend, one is eight months pregnant. The others all mums. They were saying to her "it's so weird, your life is on hold, you're waiting for this thing you know will change everything but you don't know when It's going to happen" My heart sank a bit as I thought. .. Yeah me too, except my life's on hold and I don't know IF it will ever happen. Bum bum bum.

Carpet man came today to measure for new carpet.

"This would be a lovely home for a family."

DON'T I FUCKING KNOW IT!

And then someone else later on today got a bit of a rant for innocently asking if I had kids and then telling me that she knew by looking at me that IVF would work. Er...? That's not what the consultant is saying?

Going for our appointment tomorrow - so, so tired. Honestly don't know what's going to happen. Not looking forward to it.

PS I am so jealous of you all who have dogs. Want a dog.

PPS Hello Fractious! Welcome to our occasionally ranty sweary attempt to stay sane group! x

One preg announcement at work for me this week - so that's now the cow who happily talked to me about her and a second one. Grrrr.

I've come to bed early tonight cos im in limbo land and can't get testing off my mind. I'm a day 'late' (if I've calculated right which I think I have), zero spotting and no other symptoms except what feels like af cramps coming but staying same intensity ALL day since yesterday. Negative test. Gah!

Good luck tomorrow Hedges. I hope they are kind to you. I've got a very very irritating and shouty cat, you can have him if you'd like instead of a dog? I'm kind of fed up with being the stereotype of childless woman who talks about her cat the whole time. Oops there I go again.

Sorry both of you Hedges and Potatoes for idiot comments you have had to listen to recently.

Fractious, hello! Come on in and curse away. I like that about this site. I posted on fertility friend the other day and it automatically changed 'shit' to 'poop'. I would never ever choose to say poop, I'm not nearly that twee. Useless twatty fucking censors. Knobbers.

Also hello misspoppy!

Karla I don't believe in reflexology or acupuncture for fertility but it's your money! Did you feel more relaxed or happier? If so then that's worth thirty quid. I always felt that as well as the lack of good evidence for acupuncture, arranging and going to the appointments would just be another thing to add to my things to do list, and I'm not keen on physical contact either, I don't even enjoy the hairdresser's.

Just popped on to say good luck today hedges, I guess it's one step closer to this being over one way or the other. And lauraqc how frustrating, have you tested today?

Thanks for your good luck wishes everyone. I can't quite believe we're going TODAY and still don't know what we're going to do. DH can't eat today which is not a good sign.

I suppose it'll be good to get it over with, but I still just want to press pause.