The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Perhaps you don't need to make a binding decision today if it doesn't feel right to do so? Thinking of you x

Good luck hedges. Whatever you decide is right for you - it's your own personal decision. For what it's worth, you still have a chance with IVF and as I've said before, it really isn't that bad. In some ways it felt pretty good taking steps that would maybe result in a baby (although it didn't) and the drugs and injecting were all ok - nothing compared to the daily heartache of infertility anyway. The downside comes afterwards - the chemical pregnancy is possibly one of the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with...But, I'm still ploughing on.

potatoes and fractious I'm on the same timelines as you then - am hoping for a Jan start too. This my second cycle though. Sometimes I have to check myself - is this shit really happening to me?

I'm still waiting on my clinic, had more tests this week to look at my uterus and a follow up in two weeks time to get confirmation of the start of my next cycle. The waiting is slowly killing me. Another Christmas no futher forward fills me with dread.

Like the rest of you I try to count my blessings but, there is no upside to this. There are some very touching posts on Pinterest as it is infertility awareness week - they sum it all up very well.

karla I loved acupuncture because my lady was one of the few real life people who i could talk to about infertility. DP thought it was bollocks though and didn't want me to waste my money on it!!

Waves to everyone else and for the unending shitness of it all.

Day 16 today.. So tell me why I caved in and did a pregnancy test! Think I'm slowly losing the plot!!!

tiger same for me - acupuncturist is a good confidente. She knows enough about it to have a helpful conversation, she gets the sympathy level right and she never spouts bollocks about how it'll all be fine, promise.

karla I laughed at that. I'm the same. It's like chocolate biscuits - can't keep them in the house or they're gone in a week even when I know I shouldn't!

hedges how was today? Hope you're hanging in there

Hedges how was the appointment? Hope it went alright and you and you're both okay with whatever route you're taking

Karla - I tried acupuncture and it made fuck all difference. Absolutely fuck all. Didn't feel less stressed - felt more so really, worried about the waste of £, having to rush out of work to get there, or going later on in the evening and being knackered and not eating dinner til late. But it really is up to you and whether it makes you happy.

I'm about 10 dpo. Breaking out in spots which is fairly normal, bloated - normal, constipated - normal, shattered - normal.

Period due on Wednesday and I'm booked in for a corporate wine tasting event so at least I'll be able to drown my sorrows for free.

I don't want to have to drown my sorrows though. Sigh. I really fucking don't. So depressing. I'd quite like to just give into a depression and stay in bed all day. Get signed off work. Just give up!

Can't though, I've spent too fucking long getting educated and clawing my way into current job. Ugh.

I totally get the wanting to give up feeling icy! I spent last night hearing how awful childbirth is from someone who conceived as soon as she got married. She's planning to have her second quite quickly, I'm still stunned this morning that she can be so open about it all, and not the slightest hint of worry that things might not work out as planned. It's like a whole other world! And there's us dreading anyone bringing the matter up. Life is crazy eh

I totally get all this too. I decided to focus on work and change jobs and stop thinking about the risk of falling pregnant so soon after starting a new job.

Have landed up in possibly the most fertile office ever. 6 babies in my team alone in the last 6 months! Daily updates of how little sleep everyone has had 'make the most of all the sleep you get now, one day it'll be you'! 'Watch out there's something in the water here, it'll be you next!'
'Well I planned #2 so I'd be on mat leave for #1 starting school' etc etc etc!! Every bl**dy day.... The emotional effort of getting through the working week surrounded by all this chat means a weekend just spent moping and researching. It's all just a big miserable mess.

Oh maple I was so down after one conversation last night I can't imagine how you cope with it on a daily basis! This is so hard isn't it

maple what did you say to this?
I planned #2 so I'd be on mat leave for #1 starting school

I'm

Holy shit it's a different world out there!

It certainly is PotatoesPastaAndBread!

Some people just have no idea how insensitive they are I guess. I feel much better having vented my fury on here though

Thanks Hugamug

Blimey Maple that's a lot to deal with. I've not had any baby bombs for a while at work but two days a week I work in an office that is about 50% ex-midwives who are all at the grandchildren stage now. It's a nice friendly office but bloody hell they do bang on about babies. One of them shoved her latest grandchild's scan pic under my nose the other day without warning. Hmmm that's nice I said. And the other day I went to work after a blood test and wearing unflattering trousers that don't suit my current IVF bloating. I totally saw them clock the cotton wool on my elbow and my round tummy and leap to the wrong conclusion.

Hello all,

Forgot to post earlier - managed to get to 3+ days late and bfn and then af appeared bright pink and perky. Fuck her.

We went to the Fertility Show at the weekend which was fucking hideous but also made me appreciate that one day we MAY get offspring and that I have a very supportive DH. Randomly there were a lot of women and their mates there - personally I wouldn't think that to be a rip-roaring laugh of a day out...

Also it appears I haven't won either the trip to St Petersburg, Barcelona or an iPad mini. Bugger.

Working our way still to our open day on 5th Dec and dieting so that I can do egg sharing. Like someone else said - I still can't quite believe this is happening to us. I really want to spend £3k+ on a lush holiday; not to get preggo like other people get to do for free. Gah.

Hello ladies, I must join in this convo. Swore to myself that I would no longer get involved in MN thread chats, just read and search stuff! So glad I stumbled across this thread. I have read through the lot of it and had a proper laugh at the comments. Obviously not laughed at your infertility but at the way you have handled ppls reactions/comments.
Icy I love that we all must be horrible cunts, hence out infertility. catnip unannounced shoving of scan pics is fucking awful! So about me your wondering. Been married for 2 years TTC for most of it. Came off the pill as soon as I became a MRS. 3 months later no AF, hurray I am pregnant, that was easy I thought! Pee'd on loads of sticks all BFN. Let that happen for a few months (obviously all the tests I'd bought were duds and I was pregnant). Then went the GP and after a few tests PCOS was confirmed. Much more valid explanation for no AF. This absolutely floored me but I was hopeful I was still in with a chance. But sadly further tests have found i have a blocked tube, so IVF would be my only option after surgery. This is a hard pill to swallow but I am so ready to strat IVF next year.
I must say I have a great game face when it comes to RL. I can hold friends baby's without freaking out, I say "when" we have kids etc etc , ppl think I have a dog cos I just felt like getting one and I manage to get drunk with friends without bursting into tears and confessing all my worries of never having a child and my DH leaving me for a fertile woman. Oh andI tell ppl I don't have Facebook cos all the ads and stupid videos drive me crazy. If only they knew, my new addiction is infertily threads and googling infertility success stories! Managing to hide it all for know but I know I am a ticking time bomb and quite scared of when I will break
Feels good to read honest feelings about the fucking awful shittyness we are in. Night ladies (my eyes hurt from all the reading) x

Pebbles.. I too have mastered the game face. As a matter of fact I used it today at lunch time whilst listening to a woman at work banging on about how she went to Scotland for 4 days when she was younger and ended up staying a year and got knocked up while she was there.. All unplanned and unexpected ..wasn't sure if to go through with the pregnancy blah blah blah!! And there was me, sat there like an idiot on my 25 month of ttc,My teeth were clenched so hard I can tell you!

Thanks for the warm welcome ladies. It's really nice to find ppl in the same boat as myself. Dealing with day to day comments and other ppls stupidity! karlfox it takes a lot of will power, I know. Don't grit too hard though x
fractious office announcements make me want to vomit at my desk, I am really nervous about being in work lately. A lot of people have recently got wed, I am waiting for their happy news and more collections for ppl going off on maternity leave!! Sick to death of all of it! hello to everybody else xxx

Ha game face - yep got that one mastered most of the time except when I make the occasional snarky comment 'oops did I say that out loud'?!

Fractious it was just hideous cos of what it is, not actually how it was, if that makes sense! There were a lot of exhibitors, lots of information and the seminars were pretty good too. I just felt like we shouldn't have to be there. Which is how we all feel I'm sure. Welcome to newbies ??

Hello, I'm back again, the ICSI stuff has been driving me mad and so I stayed away. We got some rubbish news...I put my cycle on hold as I was in so much pain with other stuff and therefore stressed...turns out this was a good decision as we got the husband's DNA frag test results and they are a high 55% fragmented. Sooo now we're waiting until my December period before starting again...meaning we won't start until Jan. I'm so fed up of this whole thing.

Hello all.

So this weekend I'm bored. I was bored last night cos it's Friday and everyone my age is with their families and anyone else I know eg from work is ten years younger and going clubbing. I feel stuck in limbo between life stages. Ready for a family but sadly alone. I love hanging out with dh but we both feel the gap, that we're waiting for something.... or someone.

On top of that just got given a great project to lead at work but am now going to have to pull out because key stages are in January and involve travel but I'm supposed to be on my first ivf cycle ie unpredictable scans and appointments that will make it impossible to schedule all the site visits in advance. Damn it.

Thinking of you all this drizzly weekend, hope you find something more interesting than infertility to occupy your time!

Potatoes - any chance of delaying IVF until feb? I'm in a real low place and can't imagine ever getting pregnant, so currently focusing on career options that wouldn't be open to me with a baby. If the IVF weren't to work at least you'd have had the chance to further your career. I Know it's another month but if you've trying for years... What's another month etc.

Different if it's an NHS cycle in which case fair cop

Hi icy . I did think about leaving it to Feb, but Feb marks three full years of trying with not one single bfp and is just too depressing. In the end we went for the nurse consultation thing this week and it turns out because my cycle was long this month we were able to start right now. So we have. I can't see any reason to wait, and the worst of the drugs will be over Xmas when at least I can hide in bed or wear pjs all day and not see anyone.

I feel totally numb to it. I certainly don't feel excited that it might work. Probably need to work on that a bit!

How's everyone else doing? to you all and thanks for this thread, great place to vent!

Hey PPB. Good luck for your first IVF cycle. You might well find that the drugs don't bother you too much. I do relate to the 'not getting your hopes up' thing but don't let that stop you from avoiding booze, good diet, all that stuff you're supposed to do.

I found out earlier this week that my IVF cycle didn't work despite everything going well right up to that point. So now I'm thinking about how to get out of Christmas this year because I just want to stay the hell away from my sister's and my sister in law's adorable toddlers and new babies and any hint of mawkish 'Christmas is for the kiddies' shite and I do not want to stress myself out sorting out presents for my family and my husband's family, and I do not want to drive all over England visiting people. It'll be the fourth Christmas where I tell myself 'this time next year...' and then next year rolls around and I'm still not pregnant. And I don't want to go into any shops until January cos I bloody hate the music they play at this time of year, especially Mariah Carey, she can fuck right off.

You wouldn't think it but I usually really like Christmas. I like the carols and the food and the familyness and the Dr Who Christmas Special. But just for once, Christmas can be optional, right? Perhaps I'll just convert to Buddhism or something for a few months. Clearly I could use some serenity.

Hi CatnipMouse. I get how you feel about the Xmas thing. I am usually a massive Xmas fan but this year I just feel numb about it all. Can't get excited about the shopping or anything. Can you at least look forward to some time off work together? Or will it all be spent traveling and doing the dutiful family thing?

PPB - your post about waiting for something summed up exactly how we feel too. I also feel sad when I cook meals that should be for a family but instead are just for two. I hope your IVF goes well, there will be other work opportunities. Its hard to get excited about IVF when the outcome is so uncertain. I would say that you should believe it will work, but be prepared that it might not on the first cycle, but the end goal is defintely possible!

We treated my 2ww as though I might be pregnant, and I listened to a meditation track lots that encouraged me to think that way. I don't think it made the outcome (chemical pregnancy lost just before 5 weeks) any harder than it already was, just because we believed it might work.

catnip I'm so sorry to hear that . We went to the canaries last year for Christmas with grown up family only. It was perfect to get away from it all. We started ttc Christmas 2012, and I find it a very tough time of year - I think it's harder when you love Christmas - because you know you could make it so special for your own family. My brother has a baby due in December too, which I found out during my IVF cycle in April - it's hard even though I'm excited about it.

I've also just found out that my next IVF cycle is defintely delayed until later next year due to staffing issues at the FC. Gutted doesn't even cut it. I know I should be grateful that I'm getting NHS treatment but still, it's shit to be messed about and keep waiting.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Hey guys, I too have been avoiding making any Christmas plans (it will be our 3rd one and still childless) The in laws asked me last week what our plans are and I just clammed up and started waffling on about how it's come round so quick etc just to avoid the conversation then my mum text to ask what our plans are 'since it's coming round fast and as much as you want to not think about it, it's going to be Christmas whether you like it or not'... Talk about stating the obvious!!
I went for my day 5 scan for IUI round 2 today. Was wondering while waiting for the appointment if I will manage to squeeze in the 3rd round before Christmas. It didn't even occur to me that I could be pregnant by then. I'm just not that god damn lucky!

Anyway chin up girls.. It's Almost wine o 'clock!