The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Good venting here. I'm going to join in.

Me at ivf clinic: "i think the gonal f is making me nauceous'
nurse: "well get used to it because that's what morning sickness is like"
I obviously had a bfn at that clinic (twice)

Went for a smear yesterday. The nurse used to be a midwife. I told her I wasn't using contraception because I was 'trying'. Through out the whole 'thing' she preceded to tell me 'it would happen' and that she knew loads of couples who got lucky.

I do honestly think thought that going through infertility is giving me life skills!

Me at ivf clinic: "i think the gonal f is making me nauceous'
nurse: "well get used to it because that's what morning sickness is like"

I think a big fat fuck off would have been appropriate at that point. You'd think she would be more sensitive working at an IVF clinic!

If you lost your job would I say " oh that's funny, I've got a friend who managed not to lose her job". If your mum died would I say " hmmmm, I've got friends who just relaxed and their mothers didn't die"

Still bored and angry, obviously, but that didn't half make me smile!

Smugly planning when to get pregnant - well aren't you bloody clever. Hurrah for your perfectly functioning reproductive system. Smug fuck.

I had a Laparoscopy for ovarian drilling and endo removal and a Fallopian tube clear out in early July. It's difficult because prior to that I was just getting into a "I'm not going to get pregnant, I'm barren as fuck" groove. Post op I got all my early trying hopefulness back. Silly bint.

Currently on month 3 post surgery, I found a few leftover clomid pills so taking those. I did a glucose tolerance test last year, they decided I didn't need metformin and that was fine...until I went to my diabetic MILs and just to alleviate the boredom, really, I nicked some her extensive metformin stash and am now self medicating like a good little crazy

Also found a Roman Catholic Church near my office and have taken to popping in to pray. I'm not a Roman Catholic. I know nothing about Catholicism but I like the fact the church feels very "worshippy" with statues and decorations. I'm working up to lighting a candle.

icy good strategy! Praying - that might genuinely be only thing I haven't tried yet. Hmmm.

chattycat my friend had two september babies and goes on endlessly about why would anyone have a summer baby (academically challenged doncha know) when they could plan to conceive in January and give birth in september.

Fuck the fuck off.

I saw another thread where lots of people got pregnant after rubbing this picture of some random fertility gods, ah the depths to which Ive sunk

Ha- Potatoes- makes me sick!!!!! I mean can you imagine actually being so perfect from a reproduction perspective that you were able to plan when a baby was born....?!
And I also hear all the lovely "relax" comments- I mean for f sake- as if life is that straightforward!!
It's totally unfair- I feel for everyone on this board. Personally I find that I've now got an abnormal fear of pregnancy announcements too. Clearly it has all made me bitter and twisted and the feelings didn't vanish overnight when I actually did have my baby. I think it changes who you are too much and the way you look at the world. Hugs to everyone. Xxxxx

I could have written almost all of those posts
2 years of trying now, not a sniff of a Bfp, all tests done so far "normal", next stage is hopefully immunology testing, but then what? What if they say there's something wrong there? I don't even know if I've got the energy to go through with everything that would entail. Only my mum and one friend knows, no one at work and questions are just getting more and more difficult to deflect.

I'm numb, we argue about it so much, but dh doesn't have a clue, he's supportive but .. Clueless. He doesn't know how to make me feel better when I'm sobbing again. Because there's nothing that would make me feel better except getting pregnant.

So so sick of it

coop I keep my sobbing to the shower. There's no point in wailing in front of OH it'll only make him feel helpless (mine has 2 kids from prev marriage and his sperm are still fine).

Nothing anyone says makes it better. I weep in the shower and punch myself on the thighs with the side of my fists. Really fucking hard. It doesn't achieve anything or make me feel at all better but it's something.

I've not told work. Started new job and took my second Friday off for operation. Back in on the Monday. Couldn't really walk but as I'd said I'd been at a wedding, I couldn't admit to anything without looking completely cuckoo. They don't have a clue.

Latest is if I do mention it in passing to certain friends, they act a bit uncomfortable and wait for the topic to pass. Which makes me feel awk so I push on the convo. It's very lonely not really talking to anyone.

mumsnet was my savior during the 3 years before I finally got my BFP. I already had one child so had the added 'at least you know you can get pregnant' pearl of wisdom thrown at me along with all the other helpful advice from well meaning, but bloody irritating friends.

Reading your posts takes me back. I just ditched talking about it in real life to all but a handful of truly understanding friends, and found a wonderful bunch of very supportive ladies on here. We swore and cried and were brutally honest about how we felt about it. It was so good to have an outlet.

I still hang about the infertility boards in case I can offer support as it turned out I had a very specific issue causing my problems and got pregnant as soon as it was resolved, but not until i had some very frustrating and difficult arguments with my idiotic consultant.

Oh icy and cooper that sounds awful! Please don't hurt yourself icy, it won't solve anything but I completely understand why the compulsion is there. You can always talk to us (feel free to DM me too!)

The comments from well meaning people are frustrating! My best friend knows and we've had one conversation about ivf and I had to put her right with the statistics and point out that just because it worked for x, y and z people (that she knows) doesn't mean it will work for me! I've avoided talking to her about it because she was pregnant and it felt as though I'd bring her down.

My parents don't know, I don't think I can cope with my mum's incessant questioning! My close friends and colleagues know, most of them have been great but I've had the odd thoughtless comment too.

I'm beyond being sad about it all now, we start our treatment soon and I'm just taking each day slowly. Personally, I have found prayer really helpful, if only because I'm ranting at God now!

Throwing myself into work helps a lot too!

What was your issue queenrollo if you don't mind me asking?

My left fallopian tube had fused to the ovary and I had developed a hydrosalpinx. I had so many times I thought I was pregnant and then late, but awful AF appeared.
Then when I went for pre-op for laparoscopy my HCG test confirmed I was pregnant. All the same symptoms i had the months I ovulated from the right side. Then same pattern - late and horrible AF. First medically confirmed 'chemical pregnancy'. All those 'evaporation lines'...were probably faint positives.
From reading I had done it seems the fluid from hydrosalpinx is embryo-toxic. I am certain now that I was in fact falling pregnant on right sided ovulation and then losing the pregnancy when the hydro fluid flooded back into my womb.
I had my laparoscopy, they freed the tube (which thankfully was not too badly damaged) and flushed it out. I got pregnant the following month and that BFP is now a noisy, wonderful 2 year old.

First year of TTC no investigations. It took the following two years of battling with my hospital to get full investigations. I was 36 nearly 37 by that point.

icy you have completely nailed it. Infertility is boring as fuck to endure and worse than that I find myself even more boring than that because of it. Infertility, or fertility treatment, is the subtext of every fucking decision I make, every plan I try to put together, every personal conversation I have and it is BORING and TIRING and I am so fucking sick of it.
I've been married for four years and we have spent 3.5 of them fucking miserable, frustrated, angry or grief stricken by turns. What kind of a life is that? That is not the life we planned!

I often wish I could just go back a few years and convince myself that I don't want kids. I feel like my 30s are just draining away before my eyes for nothing. It's fucking dire.

Wow queenrollo how tough, so great you did get there in the end. I've also found my consultant very frustrating and not very proactive. I haven't managed to push them to do anything more, my attempt to got me labelled as overly anxious.

I love all the venting and ranting! It makes me feel so much better ;). Before I got pregnant and miscarried all I heard was it'll happen when the times right, you need to relax, my friends cousins Aunty was like you and got pregnant ?? FFS!! Now I still get all of the above as well as, well at least you know you can get pregnant! I feel like saying - you're right, knowing I was pregnant and then my baby died makes me feel much more hopeful - NOT! I never thought I had that much patience but I'm clearly developing that skill ??

Icy, your message made me finally get around to registering for mumsnet. I don't even really know what a bf or dh is, but I do know when someone makes me smile and even giggle when I have had the usual two hours of sleep and the daylight is starting to match the glow of the laptop and the birds are beginning to tweet.

More than two years: healers, acupuncturists, supplements, diets, specialists all that bollocks.

The endless mulling over IVF, reading about all the needles and drugs and not making the call.

The thing that gets me? At the end of the day nothing you can do. Suck it up and smile.

And thank icy (and others) on mumsnet for making me laugh.

raindrops yup that's another thing, evey decision based around menstrual cycles and possible treatments. My sister in law lives abroad; haven't been to visit her in her fabulous exotic location. Haven't drunk at half my friends' weddings. Haven't left my current place of work because I'd have to work somewhere new for a year before being entitled to maternity pay. Can't move house because half our savings are about to go on IVF. Etc etc.

Meanwhile everyone else's lives move on. They aren't up for weekends away or dinners or shopping or afternoons chatting in the pub cos they've all got babies. Urgh.

This thread sums it up pretty well, icy I feel your pain. It's shit. I agree entirely with everything you are all saying. Coming up to three years of ttc and I'm struggling to continue the booze /caffeine/wheat free lifestyle that I followed for the last two years. I'm sick of always feeling guilty when I do have drink, or eat some chocolate. rain you are so right about it being part of every decision - boring as hell. potatoes Yep - it feels like everyone else is moving on but us. I hate my job but I feel stuck.!As many of you have said, I also feel let down by friends who have been less than supportive: Why don't you try adoption? Probably for the same reasons you haven't?! Make the most of being child free. Yeah, you wouldn't tell someone to make the most of having cancer would you?! So shut up? And cheers for making time for me now you only socialise in baby friend circles. I'm sick of the hope/disappointment/hope/dissappointment cycle that life has become. I hate that sex has become linked to a failure to get pregnant instead of being something fun.

My chemical pregnancy post ivf was devastating for me - for two days we thought we'd done it and then it was over. And yet there are no words for this, it's just minimized into a chemical reaction and nothing else.

Well I feel better for that rant.

I hope this shit gets better for you all. and that one day it is just a distant memory.

Tigerdog - when I finally got pregnant and was doing my history with the midwife she made me cry. I told her about the chemical pregnancy and she put her hand on mine and said 'it's an awful term. you were pregnant and you lost a baby. Doesn't matter how early it happened. You are right to grieve for that loss'.
I hate the term. I only use it on here to avoid confusion as it's such a widely used term by consultants.
I was pregnant and I lost my baby. (and because I had a medically confirmed conception my arsehole consultant put my surgery off for another 3 months 'to see if you get pregnant again')

tigerdog yes that's another good one, make the most of being child free. Said by people who love having kids and would be devastated to be childless.

And sex. How sad is it that I look forward to the weeks when I don't have to have sex, and sometimes avoid it, to have a break from thinking about pregnancy.

Am currently in the window of hope, the one where you know you won't be pregnant, because you never are, but technically it's possible - and all hopes will be dashed in 48 hours. It sucks.

Thanks to everyone for the chance to share and have a rant!

tigerdog I'm sorry your IVF failed on such a fucking cruel way. That makes me feel bitterly sad.

Moving job wasn't a huge deal for me because my past employer only offered SMP so I thought fuck it, try to invoke "Sod's law" and get pregnant in the first 12 (or 16?) weeks of the new job?! As if.

I got in last night and listened to some podcasts from Women's Hour about IVF. In the one about deciding to stop treatment, they interviewed a man as part of it and he left me fucking seething. I was shouting "you fucking cunt! You fucking, fucking ....cunt!" at the iplayer. Not sure if this got picked up on MN at the time (earlier this year). Link: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b05w85g1

I'm still enraged by him now. He had 7 goes of IVF with his wife (he has low sperm, she had some issue), it all got too much, he wanted to stop, she didn't, stress and family rows and then he walked out on the marriage and whaddya know, met a younger woman and popped out 2 kids in short succession.
"Do you feel guilty?"
"No, I didn't set out to find a younger partner, I thought I couldn't have kids. I'm glad now obvs."

No one asked "and how is your ex wife? How is she coping with her life?" He didn't seem to have any compassion for her, just focusing on protesting how not-guilty he feels.

Talk about a kick in the cunt.

The whole series women's hour did on IVF is fucking depressing. IVF is fucking depressing.

My OH was away last night so was a good time to wallow and cry. And then had to buck myself up and go for a run because I read 30 mins of cardio a day, fertility, blah blah blah. Dull dull dull. And through all of it, I'm still bloody fucking hopeful about this month's chances. Wtf is the matter with me.

Actually perhaps someone here may be able help: I've got temporal lobe epilepsy, which is why I haven't done IVF. Anyone got it and done it? There's nothing online that I can dig out.
Already had a miscarriage and obviously don't want to repeat.

I had an early miscarriage with my first ivf. It broke me. When we had our post cycle review, the consultant asked if it was a negative hcg beta or a chemical pregnancy. I said it was an early miscarriage whilst thinking to myself read the fucking file its right in front of you! He looked at me and said it "wasn't a miscarriage. It was a chemical pregnancy. Just a ball of cells. Nothing else". It took every ounce of strength to not pick up the file and batter him across the face with it. Same consultant gave me a row for yelling out in agony during my second cycle embryo transfer when he was pressing the scanning wand hard into my tummy Into my over-stimulated, bleeding, horrendously painful ovaries. Prick.

podzit look at the dr Robert Winston genesis charity site. They have a Q&A function. Given you've got something you can't find anything online about, it might be one that they'd be keen to look into and get back to you on?

Otherwise, I know nothing about your circumstances, but is it possible to pay for a consultation with a gynaecologist? Not through an IVF clinic as they're conflicted ('I'm sure it'll be fine, now let me give you some information about our payment plans') - find someone who can be impartial?

I completely agree. We started trying on the day of the royal wedding.
I got so fed up with peeing on things, examining what came out of my fanjo, taking stuff, not drinking, taking my temperature, knowing my exact cycle day, thinking about every twinge over the two week wait.
I had three rounds of IVF and the final one worked only to lose it at 13 weeks.
We decided that the after third round then that was it. We would stop.
I'm so glad we set a time scale.
We are so much happier now, we can get on with out lives as everything had been on hold for so long.

I'm not saying that this is what you should do, but I think it helped us. There is life on the other side.