The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

I've been off this thread for a couple of weeks, arrive back and bam, it's describing my life as well as it always was.

Pregnancy symptom spotting (just don't fucking bother, you aren't pregnant). Wondering if a friend is pregnant (don't waste your time, of course she Is). Avoiding friends because I'm either lying (yeah everything's fine, no we just didn't want a holiday this year, it's not that we need the time and money for anything else) or telling the truth (actually yeah I'm fucking obsessed by babies, periods and sex at the moment, looks like I'm 16 again). Having to explain SCIENCE to people (ivf does not mean a guaranteed baby and it takes a lot of time, you don't just rock up and get given an embryo). And yeah, pretending I'd really love to have sex when I'd really rather stay in my pyjamas for a month eating chocolate and watching boxsets (Sorry dh, I do appreciate it's also difficult for you having to have sex whenever the app on my phone decides it's time).

And yes to alcohol. Giving that up lasted a month at best. Frankly it was start drinking again or give up on life.

Cheers everyone

Oh and yy to OBEM. Compulsive and torturous at the same time.

I also look at maternity clothes online all the fucking time every now and then. ... Then get served all sorts of baby related pop up ads for weeks. Idiot.

Hello all - thought I'd jump back in and say hi and share my small victory of actually having a shag because I wanted to! Because I felt like it! That feels like a really big deal. I was so panicked that TTC was actually killing off that part of my marriage and I know once isn't much but it still feels like a big deal today.

Everyone sounds so fed up and down on this post at the moment - has anyone else got some small victories to share? I think we should take a moment to acknowledge some of the stuff that we ARE managing to do in spite of the shit hand we have been dealt.

So for me this week - managed last night, and yesterday managed massive work ordeal. 2 more to go next week, but hopefully something to come through and feel proud of. And then I have a big red carpet event to go to which will be odd to go up to London for on my own but again has to be celebrated as a Thing I Have Done.

God, those adverts are awful potatoes. I'm currently a bit pissed off that the infertility thread here on MN is between 'childbirth' and 'baby names'. I did write to them about it (to see if perhaps the childless part of the talkboards could have its own standalone bit) and they asked me to conduct some kind of survey as to whether or not other people found it insensitive - yes, even on MN it's sort of strangely our problem and something we just have to deal with....sigh.

Big glass of wine cheers to you all. You're all awesome.

Hello all,

I am currently pregnant and feel a little like I'm gate crashing. Truth be told I relate a lot more to the fertility posts then the preggo boards. The infertility mindset doesn't leave even if you turn out successful, I'm hoping this changes eventually..
The seemingly unending BOREDOM of pills, shots, appointments, googling phantom symptoms, hope, fear etc. I will never forget.

It took us over 2 yrs to conceive, I guess on face value we had it easy. My husband is super supportive, we are financially stable, I didn't suffer any losses, Ivf successful on the 1st try.

When my cycles were irregular I started seeing an Osteopath (while waiting for my referrals to go through) just to see if they could help. She told me I was the "perfect woman" because I didn't get periods. Gee, thanks! I've been told more times than I could count that I'm "young" so it "doesn't matter" that I have trouble conceiving. Had a friend that made a joke of not letting her husband have another baby until he took her on a big vacation eyerollllll. The "my brother and his wife were about to do Ivf but then got pregnant right before! That could be you!" ugh. I am an extremely private person so imagine the disappointment when the people I did trust to be sensitive were so predictably insensitive. When we revealed we were pregnant everyone said "you will never know love until you meet your child". I didn't even have the words to respond to that one. So I guess all the childless people in the world don't know love?!

After my Ivf implantation I got hyper stimulation which, having not yet given birth, I will still firmly contend as the most painful experience in my life. My ovaries exploded and I gained 20lbs of fluid in 2 days. My ribs split and it was absolutely unbearable to breath. All the fertility clinic nurses said (while I was writhing in agony) "this probably means you're pregnant! This is great news!", and everyone said "it's so worth it!". Gee, thanks but maybe keep that to yourself as I cry and vomit in pain.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant now, and it's like an inner circle I had no idea existed where everyone has sex once and bam! Knocked up. They whisper about being uncomfortable around their childless friends, not knowing that I was one of these "others".

Yikes sorry for the long post, I guess I really needed to vent. Good luck to everyone on where ever their journey takes them. Also please remember to do something for yourself everyday and turn your brain off, go to the gym, walk the dog, take a bath. This really helped keep my sanity.

I've spent the last week or so reading all the posts on this thread and feel like I could have written many of them myself.

Been ttc for nearly 2 years, we did get pregnant very early on but miscarried at 10 weeks - utterly devastating. Now 17 months on nothing. We have unexplained infertility, don't know if we should be happy there is nothing 'wrong' or disappointed there is nothing to 'fix'. But all the time there is this knowledge that we did it before so why not again. It's the hope that kills me.

Having been married for almost 4 years I am sick of the comments and questions etc about ticking clocks, when...... People are so insensitive and have no clue of the hurt they cause.

Living life month to month, unable to plan too far ahead just in case...

Seeing people pop out baby after baby.....

We are trying our best to just do normal things but each month I feel like I should be trying something different.

Anyway sorry for the ramble, it's nice to know I'm not the only one out there having these thoughts.

One thing I have managed is not to feel too devastated when others do get pregnant. I try to have the view point of being happy for them because they haven't had to go through what we have, even if I am a teensy bit jealous.

Thank you so much for your honesty Bell I always suspected as much re the inner circle. I had a really good chat with a friend who's a new mum last night - she was brilliant and really understood how I was feeling so that made me feel a bit better. She didn't have a terrible or long journey to conception but she 'got me'. What a relief. Said to her it was nice to talk to someone in real life!

I'm going to take your advice and try to do something for me each day.

Off on holiday next week away from DH. It'll be prime fertile time. Bugger it - what's another month anyway?!

view I'm on period at the moment and was lying in bed this morning relieved at not having to bother, but then thought 'no, it's not all about you' so gave OH a handjob. Win all round.

Symptom spotting was obvs a complete joke. Moron.

I'm managing to alienate all my friends by being a militant barren which they can't relate to at all. I'm ragey enough to think 'fuck 'em' but I'm sure this'll come back to bite me in the arse. They're not trying yet but it's only a matter of time. I'm sure they'll be instadiff 1 shag wonders.

Bell those women sound like a bunch of self-satisfied cunts. I've said it before, if my some miracle it does happen, I almost don't want to tell them, I don't want any "see, I told you to keep the faith/that you'd get there" as if they were fucking mystic meg.

Had a total meltdown last night, feeling very Britney 2007. In better news the metformin I'm taking is making me very, er, regular. Overly regular really, but as an IBSer with a propensity to constipation, I'm quite pleased with the outcome. That's my only positive this weekend.

Hmm so day 16 (6 days since IUI) and have the same family pmt symptoms already. Great!!
At least I can say 1 positive thing, my body doesn't even allow me the window of hope during the 2ww. It's basically says 'don't even bother, cus u ain't up the duff'.
Have decided that from this month I will make sure I plan 1 good, positive thing each month.
November I may try reflexology along side IUI #2. Anyone else given this a go?
December (am already dreading this month as it = yet another Christmas childless) book a holiday! Sod the thought of saving up for IVF and all that serious shite, I need a break!!

"Militant barren" sounds familiar!!! It's the inner anger.... I need to get rid of it somehow...I should really get back on exercise bandwagon.

I also dread the time when friends start will start trying, I know it's inevitable, many of my girl pals are career oriented and so are not trying yet but saying things like "when we have kids, blah blah blah" or "when I go on maternity leave..." Like it's guaranteed...I often think "you have no idea" but then they prob will just get knocked up first go. Also trying to avoid Facebook for fear of announcements.

Also considering what other ways I can become a bit more chilled about this (if possible?!) so interested to hear opinions on reflexology / anything else that anyone finds helps?

hedges you're right, we need good things too. Hey I don't have to spend money on plastic crap for my kids so I can buy clothes. And I eat bad mouldy cheese that pregnant women can't.

Re: reflexology, I started acupuncture. It hasn't got me pregnant (OBVIOUSLY) but I enjoy it, it's good for my energy levels and my acupuncturist is someone I can confide in. She shares my ups and downs ("I'm sorry, it must have been disappointing not to be pregnant this month" - YES) and she never gives me any bullshit about needing to relax or that any of her friends spontaneously impregnated as soon as they mentioned the word ivf. I feel like she's on my side.

Love the "militant barren" idea. Yeah, so, I don't have kids, what of it?

Coming to the conslusion there's no point in holding back to save others' feelings.

I'm militantly telling friends all the heartbreaking gory details of infertility and I can tell how much they hate it. I don't give a fuck.

It's akin to talking about mental illness I've decided. People find it awkward and a bit distasteful.

Icy121
Good for you, I wish I were brave enough just to tell people! It might make it a bit easier to socialise instead of fearing the dreaded 'any plans for babies' question but stupidly I think I would feel bad for making others feel uncomfortable!!!

Haha Icy I was only just thinking how much I worry about bumping into someone we know in the fertility clinic waiting room! Not something you have to think about now

i had some reflexology, it was ok? I had a super long cycle and 3 days after my first session I came on, but that could be coincidence?

No shagging this month as we were both ill, I am still symptom spotting tho in case I am one of those women who don't know until 8 months or something....fucking crazy bitch!

Off on holiday next week and the witch will be here to ruin any holiday shagging :-( and I have to decide to ring from abroad to request treatment or wait until November?

I just made a really nice plum crumble cake, that's my weeks win! :-)

This year for Christmas we've made a list of all the things we want to do together, I am sick of thinking we can't do that unless we have kids so we're starting new traditions like a Christmas Eve box and for our 2 year cotton anniversary we've got an expensive plain table cloth that will become our Christmas table cloth.

Every year my family signs my Nan's christmas cloth which she started when I was 5! It's my favourite Christmas tradition so iam starting our own family cloth :-)

Moomin I wouldn't care if any friends saw me at an infertility place. Colleagues I'd be more concerned about.... but on balance I think that kind of experience binds you together. I mean, imagine running into your MD and his (let's face it they're all fucking men) wife in the waiting room, looking awkwardly and longingly at the "THANK YOU" cards & photos plastered all over the place. I mean it wouldn't harm your career chances - not least because you're clearly barren as fuck so a safe bet for a promotion. No maternity leave here, move along. Bring it on I say. Bring it fucking on.

In other news (and I've just ranted about this on the BESH, so I'll just leave this here) "Children are a gift not a given" apparently. We've all clearly horrid nasty little cunts and the fertility Santa is giving us COAL. Night ladies.

Yy icy I'm with you on not sparing ppl the gory details. After two years of not sharing, over the last six months I've told a bunch of ppl. Not really because I wanted to share but to stop annoying questions. I realised ppl felt bad and said ridiculous things (stay positive! Relax! My friend.... etc) to make themselves feel better and like they were being helpful. But I had no obligation to go along with it. So now whenever ppl give me bullshit like that I am quite happy to explain that ivf is more likely to fail than succeed, that is expensive and painful, that my chances suck now that I'm 36 and have never had any sign of a pregnancy. I don't want to hurt ppl but it helps to be brutally honest because actually I find I get better support. No rose tinted glasses, just support when I need it and recognition that this isn't "all going to fine", the situation is SHIT and I spend most of my time dealing with the chilling realisation that it might stay that way.

Hi all - update from me. Letter from the clinic this morning saying that we have probably a 5 - 10 % chance at IVF and probably about a 5% chance of trying naturally. Well, something like that - brain has scrambled the details to be honest but basically it means that short of a miracle, that's it for us. Fully expecting now to turn down our 'option' of IVF when we go for our appointment in 2 weeks - what is the point of medically inducing the menopause, stuffing myself full of hormones and then enduring 2 operations for something that is basically not going to happen. It seems like such a foolish, wasteful option that can literally only end in tears.

So, that's us then.

Someone actually told me off yesterday for not being super enthusiastic about going through IVF if it gave us 'any' chance - yeah, because it's such a fantastically lovely option with such a huge chance of success!! It's everyone's idea of a spa day!! Luckily she had 2 kids of her own so glad she felt she could judge....

Sat here listening to sad music and the sound of slamming doors. A life event I did not think would be on my journey... but there we are. I guess that's us out. It will be a relief not to have to think about all of this crap any more, but it is such a sadness.

Viewofhedges -reading your post made my stomach sink. That's complete and utter shity news.

hedges, I'm so sorry to read that, really totally shit bastard news. I know nothing we can say will make you feel any better, but wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you..

Oh hedges that sucks. And rubbish "support" from someone who really doesn't get what you're going through. I'm so sorry

Thanks all. Worst bit is seeing my husband so upset by it. Luckily (?!) it's both him and me - they've based out stats on my low amh (1) and his sperm problems, so both / none of us are to 'blame'. Feeling very odd. For the first time I think I really understand that life just isn't fair.

Hedges- how are you doing?

Hedges I don't know what to say other than we're all here for you

Thanks everyone - spent Saturday mainly in tears, yesterday at a work thing and today just bawling at everything. I think I'm grieving. Cried down the phone at my Dad earlier - he was brilliant - but obviously he can't help. Made the mistake of thinking about childless old age earlier and just got ice in my stomach. It's almost impossible to think about. So yes. Feel like a bit of a wet dishcloth. DH in same boat - we're trying to comfort each other but I wish someone would come and scoop us both up and mother us for a bit!

Thanks for thinking of me - it means a lot. I can't share this with my family (other than my dad) and my friends just don't get it, so thank you. I hope you're all luckier than us.

Where is pipbin? I need her in her super tights and cape to bang the drum for getting through all this. Though I know we will - however long it takes - I just think our news coupled with exhaustion coupled with a narcissist mother kicking off this week coupled with at least 2 other massively emotional things happening right now...well it's not a recipe for stress free living. But by god, if I can cope with this I literally think I could cope with ANYTHING (though that is not an invitation to the universe for fate to be tempted ANY FURTHER).

Right. Got to go and do some work stuff before I start thinking about Dad not being a granddad and collapsing in a teary snotty puddle again.

Big cry-y puffy eyed hugs to you all. x

Hedges - shit. There's nothing any of us can say. You're right in that you will get through it, but don't feel any rush. Don't let anyone ever tell you to move on or get over it either and never feel you need to suck it up for someone else's behalf. It is true raw grieving.

I'm sorry you don't have more support IRL.

I hope you're okay if you're at work this week.