The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

"well getting pregnant is life changing too"

Fuck me people are IDIOTS

I know it would be life changing, and I'd like to find out how, but I can't. That is the problem.

Right so was getting a cyst removed from my eyelid last week. Consultant: are you taking any medication
Me: yeah, fertility medication clomid

He made a note of it.

15 mins later the nurse took me to the procedure room, I was lying on the bed with my knees up/feet on the bed etc. he comes in and says "ooop, had the baby then" I looked at him blankly. He was like "you're in the position..."

MATE. CLOMID. FERTILITY. SERIOUSLY?!

He did an alright job on my eyelid I guess but still. Hark at me making excuses for him! Come on you twat.

I really want to give doctors the benefit of the doubt but I sometimes think they're numb to it too. I've had my thyroxine increased after begging for it for a year (still have thyroid symptoms, outside recommended tsh level for conception and not pregnant) and I got a lecture as if she was doing me a favour. I know the benefits. I've been asking for this. Fuckwits. Anyway, hope your eye's ok icy.

Icy that is truly bizarre and hope it's all better now :)

I am bad with needles. I was miscarrying my first very wanted pregnancy. The a and e niece said "don't ever let your kids see you like this you will make them scared of needles"

Wow. Some insensitive and clueless medical professionals out there.

I've not had anything quite so bad, just rude doctors who talk down to me as though I'm an idiot. I got my phone out to check the calendar at my last appointment, as they asked me a direct question about dates. This was followed by a short 'put that down and listen to me'. I wasn't on MN ffs, I was checking a date! I felt like a child who had been told off. Had to hold back the tears for the rest of the appointment. No need to speak to me like that.

God the arrogance of them! Tiger that doc sounds like a prize dick. What a fucktard.

Loving the kermit!

Had another incident a few days ago. Having a merry old time watsapping with a close friend, gossiping about some girl from uni who 8 years on has put on a load of weight. This then moved onto a message from her:
"This woman my dh works with is absolutely enormous, and she's still got 10 weeks to go photo of massively pregnant woman"

I just deleted the whole thread. She knows about everything, she's said insensitive stuff before and once again has been a bit cunty. Haven't had any contact with her since. I mean come on.

I also don't know if I exactly fit in here as it is secondary infertility I experienced. We got pregnant no problem with my ds who is now 6.

We tried for three years and since then I've had two rounds of icsi (dh found to have crap sperm) and a donor embryo cycle. On the day I found out my second cycle had failed one of the few friends I'd told texted me to see if there was any news. I texted her and told her it had failed again. That very same day she hand delivered a birth announcement for her dd - who at this point was 7 weeks old and I'd already met a number of times and given a gift too - with a twee little message about how blessed she was and how her family was complete and perfect ( it was her second dc). I mean why? Seriously why?

I had people express shock the IVF had failed - what went wrong? They'd ask with looks of shock, as though it's as easy as ivf = a baby. What went wrong is it only gives about a 30% chance of success.

I found it impossible to put to one side and I found it impossible to give up. It's like gambling, one more try and it might be the one. I'd think 'we've spent £20k if we give up now it's all been for nothing.'

I was going to have s second donor cycle this October however in May found myself very unexpectedly pregnant and I'm now 22 weeks. I have been incredibly anxious. It feels too good to be true and I will not believe it or accept it until if and when my baby is here. Infertility has firmly left its thumbprint on my life and I will always consider myself 'infertile' or at least infertile as a couple.

It is very very hard and I'm very open now about how much difficulty we faced. It still seems taboo but actually a lot of people have problems with ttc, they just don't tell you about it. I felt so alone when we were going through it, as though everyone else just wanted a baby and BOOM they were pregnant. It made me very angry and it has left me with lasting issues which I am trying to seek help for. Having a baby is such a natural desire that moving past that is very difficult.

Loving the thread. Found myself nodding along to it and feeling desperately sad/angry at parts where I can really empathise.

It's all so fucking grim isn't it? My story is slightly different in that it took me forever to meet someone to ttc with (I postponed my appointment to discuss iui with donor sperm at the fertility clinic when I met DP - we met a few days before I turned 35).
Started ttc a couple of months after my 36th birthday. I'm now nearly 38 with only 3 miscarriages to show for my efforts :(

It really is desperate sometimes, that black, cold fear described above. Sometimes I feel like my mind is unravelling. Other times I feel as strong as an ox when I think what I've been through.

The panic, fear, impact on friendships, bullshit from those who couldn't possibly and don't even attempt to try to understand, the sadness, the guilt. It's just fucking shit.

I want to move to a cabin in the woods with my family and shut out the world.

I desperately want the family over the baby. Although I'd love the baby bit too. In my dream, DP and I are lazing on the sofa with our two teenagers eating treats and watching films goggle box style :)

We also class ourselves as a family, me, DP and the two cats. Four beating hearts DP calls us :)

We have started nice traditions too. We have Christmas Eve just us two with new pjs, a film and treats. We buy each other a stocking with silly things too and we get the cats cards and gifts [smile

Reading this has cheered me up. I felt like I wasn't alone reading the posts. Thank you. I admire you all x

I found it impossible to put to one side and I found it impossible to give up. It's like gambling, one more try and it might be the one. I'd think 'we've spent £20k if we give up now it's all been for nothing.'

We were warned at the start of IVF that its like gambling. We were very lucky because where we live we got three goes on the NHS. We decided there and then that we would stop at that no matter what. Not long after it failed I inherited money which would have funded another three rounds. People thought I was crazy not doing it.

Having got off the TTCing 'train' is so liberating. I have no idea what cycle day I am on, imagine that!!

Haha pip still firmly on the TTC express. Since ovulating on clomid this month my pelvis has felt permanently tight/pressured and I've not had a proper shit for days. And I've still not had enough reality checks to not take this as a "potentially good sign". Next Thursday cue shower sobbing and a whole bottle of wine.

Boring boring same old shitty hope. Insanity is doing the same thing time and again and expecting a different result and all that.

Urgh.

This thread is incredible. It's like someone has written down my own thoughts. I'm 33, TTC 4 years 4CPs. I had a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy last week and had an ovarian cyst and decidual cyst removed. They weren't causing problems apparently so after all tests have comeback normal and my cycles are 28 days we are still stuck with the unexplained infertility non-diagnosis. I made the massive mistake of telling family and friends about out ttc and have heard so much absolute shite nonsensical advice I could write a book. It's got to the point now that when people are optimistic about our situation that I play contrary Mary and behave really negatively and politely (mostly) shoot them and their eternal infuriatingly positive moronic suggestion down. Nobody ever just says "how's things" "how are you doing." "What's the next step" no it's just "get pissed and shag, it worked for me" "it'll happen, my friend had a baby naturally ten years after IVF failed," fuck off!

The funny thing is that on my own or with DP I'm pretty positive it's just around the morons who insist on playing dr that bring me down.

Since the op I've actually allowed myself to feel positive again. I've decided to treat my next cycle as cycle#1. I've re-downloaded the mothercare app and recreated my wish list. If/when I don't get pregnant in the next few months I can already see me crashing back to earth with a tremendous bang! Let's face it after 4 years it's not likely to happen.

The putting your life on hold is tiresome and too fucking dull. We've been putting off getting married for years because of the baby making or lack thereof. This summer we thought fuck it and booked it for next year. I think hoping that it'll jinx it and I'll embarrass my DPs conservative family by being a big fat whale like pregnant bride. I'd fucking love that, we'd be the happiest bride and groom in the world.

All the best to all of you :)

Op being operation, not original post :)

Goldiesoxxx we are also getting married after putting it off for three years! I'm secretly hoping to be waddling down the aisle in a hastily altered dress.

pip you sound in a really good place. I'm not sure I'll be able to give up.

patience four beating hearts is a beautiful way to describe your family. I love my dog so much, she has helped me through some dark times.

You ladies are all amazing. I'm finding this thread quite uplifting despite the shitness of it all.

Typical day in the life of an infertile person today: (and autocorrect just tried to make me write inferior person....Freudian slip?!) AF a day late, got hopeful and did pg test. BFN and then af showed up an hour later. Haha. Message left to book in for more fertility procedures. Plans for next couple of weeks reviewed to allow for attendance. Continue with no booze. Suspicion that friend is pg, brace myself to see them at a party on Sat to have it confirmed. Oh happy days!

Tiger dog i hope we both get to waddle :)

Goldie and Tiger we are getting married next year too! Here's to lots of fat, waddle, pregnant brides

I hope you all get to be massive WHALE-like pregnant brides too! Here's to that!

Have spent 2 evenings with DH so far this week, by the river, not even able to decide whether or not to give counselling another try (£70 for a session - purlease) as we try to decide re IVF. I swear I decide for and against about 6 times a day.

I have decided that the whole IVF decision is the most boring thing in the world. I hate it. I saw a great documentary the other day on Wilko Johnson who said that he hated talking about his cancer because it was going to kill him but he didn't want to be bored to death by it....

Have to go and buy godson a 5th birthday present this lunchtime, which will sting. I miss my friends. But my 2 "best friends" have 5 kids between them, both know about my IVF situation and the last time I saw the 5 year old's mum she said 'why don't you just get a dog' (while I helped feed her tiny twins) and the last time I saw my other friend she turned up to our lunch 8 months pregnant - and hadn't told me (we live a long way apart). Just expected me to cope with that one. I was polite but when she left I literally just sat there in stunned silence for an hour and haven't seen her since.

pipbin is my hero and I can't wait to be her. Can't wait not to know re cycle etc. Just have to make that awful decision as to whether to inject myself full of crap for the 15% chance it might work. My head says it's madness. My heart seems to be no longer capable of processing it all, it's hiding under the duvet thinking being a family would be great but feeling like it'll never happen so why not just get a dog.

Right. Off to buy some lego, hopefully without feeling massively depressed.

Argh viewofhedges, that is one bloody inconsiderate friend (ex-friend?!). Did she not THINK? I'd have been very upset about that.

I really like the quote from Wilko Johnson, very insightful.

Good luck with your decision, would this be your first cycle? (Sorry on phone and hard to read back)

PS I think pregnant brides totally rock, Goldie, Tiger, and Patience!

This thread has given me so much comfort, so good to hear I am not alone in this struggle (although wish you guys weren't in the same boat as me!) My double whammy is I've had to quit my job due to a ridiculous stressful work load and a horrific boss who wouldn't even meet with me to discuss time off for ivf, and refused the time I did request meaning I had no option but to leave if I wanted to do it. So now we are starting the ivf journey on one salary. It just seems so unfair, other people just get pregnant, maternity pay, job to return to, we have infertility hell, a huge ivf bill (which is a huge gamble) and I may have ruined my career to boot. Anyway, at least I have the best dh and best dog ever

Hugamug similar situation here if that helps - was made redundant 2 years ago and trying to build up as a freelancer so also doing this on one salary, while friends on maternity pay prob earning more than me. (The one who pulled the 8 month trick has a household income of about 5x ours. This helps pay for their fucking nanny, who is also on more than me.)
It is very hard doing this whilst skint, esp as some people will post about holidays etc they have planned if ivf doesn't work.
But oh boy is this making us strong. Big hug from me!

I am currently reading a book called 'fertile thinking' as recommended by someone on here. For those of you who haven't read it, thought I would share a couple of 'funny' quotes you may be able to relate to..

1. Keep an emergency 'I just got my period ' kit
2. Don't succumb to infertility amnesia. An infertile amnesiac is someone who obsesses about fertility and wanting a baby on a daily basis and forgets how blessed they already are.

3.Laugh at yourself. Whether we want to admit or not, we do a lot of strange things in order to get pregnant.

1. (My absolute favourite)! Buy a darker shade of toilet paper. Be honest: you spend most of your time inspecting the toilet paper for signs of ovulation, indications of your period or implantation bleeding. Even when you try not to look you still do!

Viewofhedges sorry to hear you are in the same boat, but I agree it's also making us very strong too and I feel we will be better people and a better couple for it! Life must be very boring if everything goes perfectly, like a very dull movie lol.

And Karlafox, I love those points, I had already discovered 2 and 3 myself, I learnt to regularly count my blessings as doing so stops complete insanity/misery descending (and things could always be so much worse). And dh and I have a laugh about it all - the 'pointless supplements of doom' that we find so hard to remember to take after dinner (and they don't seem to be helping anyway) to ridiculous symptom spotting where any symptom in reality could mean bfp or just pmt- dh always asks how I'm feeling then says 'I suppose that could mean you are pregnant or it could mean the exact opposite?!' Doesn't sound funny but makes me laugh after 18 months

This is a very worthwhile listen: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04d4p0b

It's called a Family without a Child and is about exactly what we are going through.

I'm glad I'm being a tiny bit inspirational to some of you.

Karla, glad the book is helping - I'd forgotten the bit about the toilet paper, so true!