The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Icy I'm so grateful for this thread and thank you to everyone for sharing your stories

I'm only on month 15 of TTC #1 but I am 36 and in last chance saloon before IVF. I thought I was handling it all quite well - being pragmatic and thinking 'everything happens for a reason', but for some reason I've lost all my mental strength in the last three weeks or so and I'm now feeling very down. Worst of all I've been so in the 'what will be will be' mindset I'm now beginning to question if I actually want a baby! I think its because I'm trying to protect myself from the complete and utter devastation heading my way if the fertility treatment doesn't work. This apparent confusion about my feelings is making me feel so stressed What an idiot!

I am very fortunate as my DH is very supportive. We haven't told a soul and reading other people's experiences on here reassures me that we've made the right decision. I can't believe what some of you have had to put up with from others - you have my sympathies

My DH and I both have siblings who have provided grandchildren, so we often joke (though it's getting less funny) that we are no longer required and of no interest to our parents. Who want to visit us or invite us round when all we can offer is a cat? We are well and truly surplus to requirements!

Catnip I have a feeling we were on a thread together this time last year when I joined MN, but I might be mistaken- sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.

moomin I am also starting to question if I want a baby. Not because I don't, but because of the toll this process is taking on my thirties, on my friendships, my career. Everything.

And yy to everyone saying ppl don't get how huge ivf is. It's as if you tried to make a birthday cake but fucked it up, so you bought one from M&S. Can't make one? Can't be arsed to make one? Buy one then.

This is not ivf!! It is not an easy option for people who can't count to 28 days.

I too have been told to be more positive about Ivf. Hello?! I feel like I have been super positive and hopeful every month for the the last 18months, surely I can now be allowed a bit of realism over a very expensive procedure that has more chance of failing than working! Grr! I'm protecting myself against a huge let down by not being too positive. Anyway I don't think you can understand unless you've been in our shoes. I have told a few friends and I'm actually really glad I did. This is a very heavy burden to carry in secret, and suddenly I can explain not drinking, or fear of arranging get togethers at certain times etc.

It's as if you tried to make a birthday cake but fucked it up, so you bought one from M&S.

Exactly this!! It's not like we've not tried or don't know how to do it properly (although I was always surprised that no one ever asked us about how often we have been DTD).
I told everyone, well at least I made no secret of it. There is nothing to be ashamed of and the more of us who speak out about it the better. People need to understand what IVF is like as well as the stress of TTCing. Hopefully they will stop with the 'well my friend was on the way to her first IVF appointment and found out she was pregnant'.

Moomin, have you joined the Berry thread? I have no idea how I would have got through all this without them. They even sent me flowers when I lost my one and only pregnancy. If you've not told anyone then you need someone to talk to.

TBH though - now that I have hung up my TTCing gloves I feel I'm able to be more detached. I realise now that I wanted a baby. I wanted to be pregnant and give birth and have a baby to care for. I didn't really want a child.

Potatoes I'm so glad it's not just me that is having doubts - this really is a horrible, lonely and frustrating place. No wonder we start to question everything. You mention your career - can I ask about that? I love my job and have just started a project that may lead to an exciting new job, possibly a promotion, so feeling strange about that and TTC. I'm just going to continue giving it my all as there is no guarantee that my treatment will be successful and I can't face not having a baby and throwing away a great opportunity at work. Saying that, it's very hard coping with infertility and a massive workload, but I figure raising a child is probably the hardest thing to do, so this is good preparation :-/

Pip Thank you for thinking of me - your comment brought tears to my eyes :) I will look up the Berries thread, although I'm a bit rubbish at keeping up - it doesn't help being on a phone.

Can I ask what you mean about wanting a baby to care for but not wanting a child?

Can I ask what you mean about wanting a baby to care for but not wanting a child?

Well having a baby and staying at home with them on maternity leave would be lovely, but looking after a child seems like a huge faff and I'm not sure I can be arsed.

Lol Pip what are you like? I have to say, as far as other people's kids go, babies are cute, but the older they get the less appealing they are. But saying that, friends with kids tell me that other people's children are always horrid! I guess it's different when they're your own?! With cats, I love mine and other people's... perhaps I'm destined to be a mad old cat woman :-/

When we were about to start on IVF we had friends come to stay with their 2 year old. After they went to bed DH and I turned to each other and said 'fuck that shit'. We are embracing all the things that we can do without children, (expect for term time holidays as we both work in education).

I agree with you about cats. I can happily spend time with any cat, including random cats in the street and holiday cats.

Can't even imagine what you guys are going through. I think your all frickin marvellous. If I have problems conceiving I hope I can be as strong and resilient as you lot.

I'm starting to plan TTC and you lot have put me off doing some of the things you read about, like gluten free and bloody manuka honey or whatever it is. I'm also going to save some money and have some private fertility tests just in case, some of the NHS stories are horrendous!

I really hope you guys either get your babies or come to a place where you are OK with not having them. Y'all can have a non mumsnetty hug.

Just found this thread (whilst searching for yet more fertility stories) and it has really cheered me up. I don't generally comment on threads I just sculk around feeling sorry for myself.
Am due to start my first round of IUI in a couple of weeks and have already decided it's not going to work. Meanwhile my friends and family have told me 'it'll happen when it happens', '2016 is going to be my year ' , 'I'm too nicer person never to be a mum'... Blah blah blah!

Thanks for dropping by Alice and for your kind words. I wish you all the best for your TTC journey :) I was getting nowhere with my GP so paid £400 to see consultant privately including an internal scan and that's when I got my diagnosis and started my treatment. To be fair all the treatment I have received since, through the NHS, has been very good. Seeing the consultant sooner got things moving a lot quicker and saved months of waiting. I'm glad I've got myself dosed up on (more) vitamins and adopted a much healthier diet (organic where I can, decaf coffee, brown bread, brown rice, brown pasta, load more protein, much less sugar etc.) butwithout stopping having the things I like. As you say, no point in going mad and making yourself miserable being too strict.

Welcome Karla and hope the IUI goes well. I am due to start injectables next month after having to give up on Clomid after one month due to side effects. Sorry to hear you don't feel very positive about it, but I know what you mean - sometimes you just have a gut feeling about something (although I'm really hoping you are wrong! ). This is a great thread so do stick around :)

Thank you all for this thread. It's so good to read. I've been ttc for 3.5 years and we're just about to go to first IVF appointment but are seriously thinking about postponing / cancelling because the whole process so far has left us worn out, fed up and questioning whether or not we should go through with it.

pip you sound like me. The TTC process seems to be killing any desire I ever had for a kid. Thanks for your honest comments because it is so refreshing to hear from someone on this thread for whom having a child is not The Meaning And Purpose of Life who just look at you oddly if you say you're not sure. (I went to the IVF clinic's counsellor and said I wasn't sure and she said 'well I wouldn't do it if I were you then', which was super useful.)

potatoes I'm in the West too. Somerset. Any other Westy people on this?

TMI but this is 'shag week' and I'm actively avoiding it. TTC has completely removed any desire to have sex ever again- mainly I think so then I KNOW it won't work this month and I don't have to think about it. I dreamt about sex last night and then woke up disappointed that in real life I don't want it any more!

Meanwhile 2 best friends have 5 kids between them. We have lost touch now to an extent which feels like they're not even my friends any more.

TTC / infertility is BORING AND RUBBISH.

moomin I've been back and forth on the work thing. For example I'm just finishing a year long course that I nearly didn't ally for because I didn't want to have to drop out halfway through. I'm so glad I did it. On the other hand, I've been at the same organisation for nearly eight years and I think I'll be here for 10+ yrs with may leave etc - longer if it takes even longer to get pregnant. I think that's a really long time and my career might suffer from lack of change. But I've got over myself not going for promotions in case I let people down ( in case I have to leave to go on mat leave). I think fuck it, I've given this organisation years of life. When that happens it's a benefit I've earned. The only reason I would stop pushing myself would be if I thought the stress was having a detrimental effect. On the other hand I get so much so much self valuation from work that it's important to me to focus on it.

What a ramble!

moomin This apparent confusion about my feelings is making me feel so stressed

This, 1000x this.

Pipbin I wonder if I'm the same re wanting a baby not a child. I've never been particularly good with my OH's children, not very maternal or even particularly happy to have them around. But I always put that down to a deep-rooted unhappiness that they're his kids with his hideous ex wife and whilst I don't want to get into step-parenting (it'll only end in a barrage of flaming), maybe it's actually just me not being that good with kids. Albeit I'm better with kids which aren't his, much to his chargain. And my own, I hate I'm not better at demonstrating more (any?) maternal prowess. I'm better with the cats.

Currently pissing on expensive clearblue purple ovulation sticks. BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING THAT FOR 2 YEARS BOOOOOORRRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGGG

I got told by a friend last night that I should 'relax as much as possible to make it happen'. Thanks

Then the topic gets dismissed with 'of course it will happen' with absolutely no acknowledgement of how hard the previous three years and failed round of ivf have been. I don't want much if I put myself out there to tell someone, just an acknowledgement that it's a bit hard. Of course, she has two children and conceived them straight away!

potatoes the work thing is tough. I've had two different jobs whilst TTC and am looking for my third. At the moment I am feeling so hugely disatisfied with my job. I moved for a promotion and, unsurprisingly, it isn't enough for me because all I really want is to be at home with a baby/child. I hate my field, having moved into the public sector thinking it would be family friendly. I don't know if any job would work for me right now though. I also earn more than DH so can't really quit, not that it would've practical to do so.

I think I'm the opposite to some of you. I'm not overly focused on having a baby but I desperately want a family. I can't wait to have children who I can make things with, establish traditions and get to know as people. I have three nephews who I love very much, and I want that bustling noisy family experience for myself. I am worried that I'll only manage one child if that and that is also a source of sadness as I want two or three.

icy I think it is hard to love someone else's children when you want your own. I used to love kids and be really good with them but I've lost that a bit now. I think I've had to emotionally disengage for self preservation.

I think I've found my thread.

3 fucking bastarding twatting years of life wasted.

I have endometriosis so every failed month is also crippling agony.
Supposed to start self funded IVF at the beginning of the year, postponed due to a thyroid anomaly on my bloods.
Supposed to start IVF mid year, postponed because the three years of life destroying, relentless, agonising stress has triggered fibromyalgia and burn out in my already fucked up body.

So that's that. Stuck here, trying to get better from an illness caused by immeasurable pressure to get pregnant, whilst obviously unable to do the only thing that would make me feel better - get pregnant.

Friends tell me when they're ttc. Thoughtful in theory but then I'm on tenterhooks waiting for the announcement, which always happens so quickly, further compounding my feelings of complete and utter fucking inadequacy.

I avoid them. I avoid their beautiful children. I can't cope with being around their happy families, I feel like they've stolen my dream, stolen my life. I fucking hate myself for it.

DH says the only person putting pressure on me is myself. Fuck you DH. I hear him sigh when looking at Facebook and seeing baby pictures, I hear him sigh when babies come on tv. I see the look of wonderment when he sees pregnant women. I recognise the folorn expression on his face when we meet new arrivals. And it MAKES. ME. FEEL. LIKE. A. BAG. OF. FUCKING. SHIT. So no, I'm not putting the fucking pressure on my fucking self!

I am a failure.
And I've tried everything, haven't we all, so I don't even bother opening myself up to suggestions anymore. I feel desolate. Like every time we get close, the goalposts move. As a result, I am now on ADs, I have isolated myself and I've pretty much given up! Sick to fucking death of living my life by my cycle day. It is no life, no life at all.

Tigerdog- i too am worried that I'll only manage one baby. I feel panicked that now I have just turned 35 I won't have 1 never mind more!

Currently sat in front of the TV feeling totally fed up -DH is upstairs probably avoiding my miserable face as I currently have raging PMT so am stuffing myself stupid with chocolate thinking here we go again!.. On the bright side, the 2WW ( that feels more like the 10000WW) is over.
I am exhausted already at the thought of another month of injecting myself with God knows what and trapesing backwards and forwards to the hospital like an idiot because I know deep down its all in vain!

Pheww, where's that diary milk...

Tiger I agree with the 'establishing' traditions thing. That is something that makes me sad.

Ahhh I recognise so much of this.

Trying to be happy for friends but sometimes it's so hard to hang out with them and their kids.

Waiting for the pregnancy announcements you know are coming.

Your happy dream of 2.4 kids by your mid thirties becoming the thought that your kid might be an only child. And you'll be 40.

The cold black fear in your worst moments when you confront the fact that this might NEVER happen.

People trying to help by sympathising because it took them six months (you know, a normal length of time)

The thing I find hardest about the bad advice and misplaced sympathy is that it denies my experience. When you say "just relax", "my friend struggled but it did happen", "it will happen for you", "I know how you feel it took me six months" - when you say those things I hear "your problem is not that bad". It denies my permission to feel bad.

This is real. Stop denying it's bad. Don't tell me it's not serious. Don't just tell me to feel better when I feel dreadful. I don't have much. Let me at least have the reality of my situation, the fact it's hard, feeling shit, feeling sad. Don't deny that's real.

to all those going through this, it really is the most stressful shitty thing and takes over your whole life. I remember reading a study that compared stress levels in those going through infertility and those going through cancer and they were similar, I hope that does not offend anyone but I was surprised by it and it made me feel more justified about how awful I felt. The rage I felt towards friends who got pregnant so easily and then whinged about it, or when their due dates coincided with my latest miscarriage. Christmas after Christmas feeling empty because there were no babies or children in the house.
It put huge pressure on our marriage as sex become something my husband described as 'joyless'. We had so many rows about it including one where I left the house and just walked for hours in the pouring rain crying as DH said TTC had brought nothing but stress and misery and he wanted to stop trying.
Living your life based on your cycle day (refusing initiations because you need to be at home to DTD), planning life around treatment cycles, not drinking, taking absurd amounts of supplements etc. Grim.

We had the double whammy of infertility and recurrent MC but we got there eventually. But I will never forget the pain and horror of that time and try to support friends going through the same (sadly lots at the moment)

I think we have to establish our own traditions. Even if there are no children, there is still 'family' isn't there? Albeit a small one. I am trying to establish traditions with DH - well, they're creeping up on us, and I'm glad they are ours even if they are stupidly small things.

Really interesting to read about the stress levels. It makes sense. The whole' why me, why not them' thing, the 'it's not fair,' the 'why can't we have what they have' the 'but why are we so unlucky' the 'but I don't want to spend my life in a hospital making impossible choices' the 'but I want to be thinking about other things.' The life's lottery. But doubled up with the fact that we get no sodding sympathy or understanding with it. There are no pink ribbons for this, are there?

I'm just about to be 39 and think I'm slap bang in the middle of grieving for my family that is very unlikely to happen. Just postponed our hospital appointment to tell consultant if we're doing IVF or not because the whole subject now upsets us both to the point where we can barely discuss it, and we simply don't know if we're brave enough to do it and face the inevitable failure (current flawed thinking is that we're already infertile so why take loads of drugs and still fail?)

to all of us. Whatever is happening we are turning into very strong, very empathetic people and I think we should be bloody proud for just surviving what is a massive, massive, existential shock, trauma, and life event. That everyone else just conveniently brushes aside because they simply don't understand.

Somedaymummy you are NOT, NOT, NOT a failure. You've been dealt an extraordinarily shitty hand but you are NOT a failure. In fact you must be incredibly strong. Please know that.

So I ring the fertility clinic this morning (5 minutes after they open) and tell them it's day 1 today ( what a surprise) so I need to book my day 5 scan. Only to be told 'oooo errrr errrrm, well we are fully booked Monday so err can we call you back'. I waited 6 hours and called them again to be told ' yeh we have you on the list but will know more tomorrow' ..
So now I am panicking in case they can't fit me in, in the mean time, Mother Nature also decided to play tricks as as quick as my period started, it stopped!! this all really helps someone who's stress levels are already though the roof!
I hate my life right now!!!!

someday you are certainly not a failure.

Farfalla I'm glad you got there in the end. I'm dreading Christmas as it is our anniversary of ttc.

view we do try to establish traditions, I agree it's important. I hope you can come to a decision about what to do next. What you said about this being a huge trauma that everyone else just brushes aside is so so true.

Karla the frustration of some admin person at a hospital standing between you and progress - beyond annoying! Fingers crossed they get you in. I have months to wait for my next appt and it's killing me. I just want to get on.

Getting a dog has helped me hugely, I love my funny, fearful rescue dog! We refer to ourselves (privately) as a family and joke about things like going on family outings with our furbaby. Sometimes though it just feels a bit sad and not that funny.

I love this thread! Completely sums up the total crapness of it all!

We're waiting to start our first IVF cycle after a holiday in few weeks, I had to tell work as I had a massive tear filled breakdown in the middle of the office because I am surrounded by morons! Totally set my career back by about 2 years ??

I had to have 2 weeks off work to recover my composure, when I went back to work on Monday my lead asked me if I was ok now, so I told him no infertility is life changing, we've gone from planning to have 3 kids to praying we're lucky enough to conceive one! He turned around and said....."well getting pregnant is life changing too" with this weird smug look on his face?! I could have punched him through the wall insensitive dick!

2 girls in the office are currently pregnant, I have to avoid them smug fertile bitches

Sorry I sound really bitter......