The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

pip how quickly did you start to feel happier? I don't think I'm anywhere near ready to end this ordeal just yet, but I'd be really interested to hear what the process of making that decision was like in terms of how you coped it it, if you don't mind sharing? So glad you're feeling good again after all that.

I think about 6 months after the loss. I was fairly OK by the time we hit what would have been the due date.
I think it was helped by the fact that we know it can't happened naturally and that we were fortunate to have three rounds of IVF on the NHS. This gave us a natural cut off point. We had decided that right from the start we would stick to it and if it didn't happen then we would just suck it up, put it behind us and get on with our lives.
It does help a great deal that our best friends are child free by choice.

I wish I knew some of you ladies irl. My only infertility buddy is now preggers. I'm happy for her, but lonely.

pipbin I admire you for moving on. I'd like to seriously consider it. In my line of work we could move abroad and do something exciting, hard work and too much for a family with kids. My husband is more keen than me that we keep trying.

Fuck this shit.

Have any of you ladies thought about joining the Elderberries on the conception board?
We are all over 30 and trying for over 10 months. Most of us have had some kind of medical intervention.
I honestly don't know how I would have got through this without them all.
They are every so friendly and so much support.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2461948-Strapping-on-our-lady-balls-and-going-menkul-because-we-HATE-THIS-SHIT-The-Berries-a-lovely-bunch-of-30-something-Ladybros-TTC-1?

Oh Pipbin I remember you from one of the other threads (JSing perhaps? I was on there many moons ago under a different name).

So sorry to hear it didn't work out, but I admire you for being able to put it behind you. I really hope that if it doesn't work for me, I can be as positive as you. I don't want this to define me or drag me down forever. I love travelling, so I'll throw myself into that if we can't conceive.

I totally get the feeling of avoiding sex so you don't have to think about pregnancy. I'm currently on my period, and it's quite a relief for the mind, because it's the only time when I know I'm not pregnant and so I don't have that awful hope just waiting to be crushed.

So yesterday I text my sister to tell her I had spoken to the IVF clinic for the first time, and found out we're not eligible for NHS funding . Her reaction was first to tell me that it was because I had enough money to pay for private (she thinks it's means tested), and then to say "Stop moaning and get on with it".

Stop fucking moaning.

I'm so grateful I can moan here instead where I'm not confronted by heartless bastards who should know better.

I also listen to all the people I work with who have teenagers and listen to them complain about them, I don't think I'm missing much there.
I do feel very sad that I will never give birth or hold my baby but I am of the 'man the fuck up and get on with it, no point complaining' school of thought which I understand doesn't work for everyone and I would never suggest to anyone else.

I know what you mean Un, you can't let it define you.

I feel that for me having a cut of point has helped. Knowing that it won't ever happen so there is no point in thinking about it, no putting life on hold, no more knowing your exact cycle day. You can make plans. I do agree with having a pet. We got our cat halfway through cycle two and I don't think I could have coped without her.

I have a few childless friends who are really happy with their life choices, so that does help too. I think, well if it doesn't work, I'll just be like them.

I have two dogs who I adore. They're both getting old, so I know there's heartbreak on the horizon there, but I absolutely know that I'll always have dogs. Might even treat myself to a puppy if my IVF fails. That's a light at the end of the tunnel!

hello all. I think I have found my people. What a sad-funny-angry-lovely bunch you are.

UnGoogleable Fucking hell, if my sister had said that to me I'd have gone through the roof. Icy I don't think I'll search out that podcast, just reading about that bloke makes me angry. And also feeds my 'what if my husband does that' fear (I don't think he would)

I just got my period today which means the start of a new IVF cycle (it will be my second fresh cycle). I'm so disappointed that I didn't get pregnant naturally this month, which is ridiculous, because if I was likely to get pregnant naturally I wouldn't be doing IVF in the first place! But I couldn't quite let go of the little bit of against-all-the-odds BORING hope. It is so tedious you're right. Last two cycles (one fresh one frozen) I told quite a few people as I needed the support but I'm thinking about keeping this one quieter so that I don't bore everyone else to death as well.

So I feel a bit like today I'm grieving not getting pregnant naturally, and trying to accept I'm going to have to do all the drugs and scans and getting poked about with, all that is coming my way once more. It wasn't even all that awful the first time, I'm not scared of it now but I just don't want to do it because I just want to be able to be a NORMAL PERSON. You know, someone who is able to conceive with a tiny bit of privacy and who doesn't need to have half the damn county poking about her chuff to get within a shouting distance of a pregnancy.

Hey you have definitely touched a nerve with lots of us icy8 and thanks for saying what so many of us feel too.

Potatoes or anyone else, if you are anywhere in the East of England drop me a PM and we could go for a drink.

queenrollo that midwife sounds ace. It made me cry just reading that. She is so right too.

What an asshole onthemat. In fact total unfeeling bastard. Deserves a kick in the nuts and is in the wrong job. I had a rude registrar at my last appointment and it just made me feel so cross and helpless. And to then have them examine you afterwards just feels like an assault.

catnip I hear you and I feel the same. We have booked a few nights away over shag week next month - I'm of course miraculously going to get pg before my next ivf cycle! Haha.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. would second joining the berries thread - it's a godsend.

It took us nine years, endless clomid and two IVF rounds which we had to fund ourselves but we now have our two children.
Don't give up, I would have sold anything I owned to have them now. I just stopped talking about it with anyone other than my mam. Others I just said I didn't want kids/more kids.
I did all the endless googling too and stopped talking to friends and relatives who had the audacity to be fertile. My saviour was the group of women I met on here, we supported each other through thick and thin.

oh god....just thought of another good one.

First time I went to the doctors armed with all my tracking and temperature evidence....
Me: I pretty sure we are doing it at the right time of the month and we're trying really hard
Doctor: A baby is made out of love, so don't try to lose sight of that.
Me: Yes sure.
No it's fucking not you stupid bitch.

It's so weird why we just all take these idiotic comments. Oh yes, it's because we think if we just be nice and not rock the boat, the medical professional may actually be able to help us get a bun in the oven.

Well tigerdog at least you'll have a nice break and hopefully some nice shagging too, that's a pretty good thing in it's own right even if there's no pregnancy at the end! (But good luck....)

Ah allchat that'll be it then! Infertile people just don't love each other enough so that's why the special baby magic isn't working! It's so obvious!

turquoise sorry you had a hard path, great it worked out in the end.

pipbin I have looked at the Elderberries but I do find all the jokey ingroup shorthand and silly words a bit off putting too start with. Maybe I'll try again.

catnip Thanks for the offer! Unfortunately I'm quite a lot further West than East. I would send you wine instead but I can't work the bastard emojis on my phone.

allchat made out of love, right. SoI'm on the wing lines with ivf then. Sounds like I should try match.com instead. Either that or there you have a doctor whose knowledge of biology is scarily shit.

turquoise I might have to start saying not interested in kids because the half truths / half lies get tricky.

I've been with my partner for 14 years, married for 4, own a house, both have good jobs. I'm going to be 36 next week. The other day someone asked the old "have you guys thought of having kids yet? " question.

I went nuclear.

Noone. Nobody. No fucking person in a stable relationship, with ok money, a house, a job and with 36 year old ovaries has NOT THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING KIDS. At 36 of course you've fucking thought about it. And there are three obvious scenarios: you've decided not to, been told you can't, or you're trying. Option four - playing fertility roulette with your ageing eggs - is the LEAST LIKELY OPTION EVER.

Why don't ppl think before they speak? ?

Sorry, slightly excessive rage there! !

*wrong lines

People are generally arseholes . My favorite was always 'relax and it'll happen'. It used to fuck me right off. 'Don't give up' annoys me too and my all time favorite was 'why don't you just adopt'. That one used to send me nuclear which is ironic really

Pressed post too soon, so potatoes....I completely agree with your rant, you are fully justified!

allchat hah! What the actual fuck?! Sounds like a fairly sketchy grasp of human biology there... Also the Disney cutesy of that comment makes me want to spit. To be honest though, I'm reading the new Dr Robert Winston book and it doesn't surprise me. Apparently at med school the grand total of fuck all time is spent properly educating future docs about infertility - particularly about the emotional side of it all.

I got sent the attached today. Going to bear it in mind next time someone says 'something'. Sucking it up when other people chat their shit is probably part of what makes me seeth.

I've been angry for days -ungoogle your sisters text is stoking the rage flame. Stop fucking moaning?! Stop fucking moaning?!! WHAT.

I'm far from being done on this fertility path, but it's good to know that there is still a life to lead, even if at the moment I can't honestly say I believe it. I just cannt fathom a life without ever having a child. Obviously it's because I can't bring myself to imagine it, given my hopes for my future with my OH are so fundamentally pinned on our having a baby and my being a mother. There's a time limit for me though, my OH is 47 this year and he's just not up for giving it much longer. At 28 it's pretty galling, but that's the choice I made when I decided to be with him.

I'm in a comfortable financial position.

"At least you're in a financial position where you can afford IVF, I know someone going through it who hasn't got much money so it's a struggle"

So... You're telling an infertile person to basically check your privilege. Nice.

Not sure I'm really entitled to be here, I have a child, conceived the first time, 6 years ago. Been ttc#2 now for four long, boring years. I was that knobhead who tried to time a nice gap between children, time a mat leave for when DD started school. I'm not so smug now that I'm 35 and in the wilderness of month after month of disappointment with no sniff of a bfp in four years.

I have a blocked tube. 'It might just take a bit longer...no reason it shouldn't happen', the nurse said. Well, that turned out to be bollocks.

I'm pretty benign about it these days. Been through every emotion in the book and got nothing left in me to care. DD has given up asking for a sister/brother and just plays quietly on her own now or with a pretend sibling .

Someone in work has had four kids while I've been trying to have one. Wtf.

Like leccybill not sure I am right for this thread as I am ttc#2, now for over 2 years and about to embark on IVF2. But have joined mumsnet just to comment here as icy that is the most accurate summary of the shitness that is infertility I have read. I am so sorry that any of us have found ourselves here. Completely agree on the muppetness of peoples' "advice". One of my personal favourites "just go out and get really drunk, that's what we did". Actually that's the EXACT OPPOSITE of the expert advice but fuck it what do they know. But also speaking of experts, also have this feeling that there is something wrong that could be fixed if only someone knew how to find it?

I'm in a bit of a hurry, but wanted to say two things:

1. I bloody love this thread.
2. Infertility can f* right off.

Will attempt to contribute something more constructive later :)

icy absolutely bang on. I'm currently signed off work, been off for 6weeks as I just couldn't deal with every day life any more, and the fuck wits that surround me daily!!
Girl in work pregnant just now, other co worker must say to me at least every 2nd week (in a patronising voice) "aw i really thought it would be you next to get pregnant, don't leave it too long you know."

Fist to the face is all I can imagine doing. As you can prob tell no one in I'm work knows as it would just be gossip to most of them.

I as well have put my life on hold for over 4 years, no holidays, trying to eat well bla bla bla. Going through icsi just now which seems to actually be going well.

Only said to a handful of people my situation. My sister try's to be helpful but just doesn't have a clue she has 3 children, things she says to me, "aw sweetie i don't know if my eggs are my good but you could have some of mine !" Aye hold on the now and spread your legs I'll grab a couple then raise my niece nephew/child! That won't be awkward at all. I know she means well but fucking think about what your saying. Also, "don't get obsessed with it it's not good for you!" Aw really glad someone told me. "Just relax it'll happen when it happens, you can always take one of mine if you want!"

I feel like if this doesn't work out and we decide to stop I'll have to completely change my life I can't stay in the same job with the same people etc. I'll need a new fresh start at something.

Yy toast that there's something wrong they just can't (or won't) find it.

All my tests are normal. I have underactive thyroid which is a known factor in infertility and miscarriage. I am on medication but i still have shit loads of symptoms - cold, tired and , er, infertile. But because I'm on medication and my tests are now in the normal range they won't investigate any further even though it's likely to tender ivf useless. You might as well qualify as a doctor and treat yourself, you have to find out so much about it.

"So I feel a bit like today I'm grieving not getting pregnant naturally, and trying to accept I'm going to have to do all the drugs and scans and getting poked about with, all that is coming my way once more. It wasn't even all that awful the first time, I'm not scared of it now but I just don't want to do it because I just want to be able to be a NORMAL PERSON. You know, someone who is able to conceive with a tiny bit of privacy and who doesn't need to have half the damn county poking about her chuff to get within a shouting distance of a pregnancy"

^^THIS! This is exactly what I have been trying to say to friends but they don't get it! No one understands how horrible this is. My best friend (recently had her first baby) would say stuff that came across as if I should be grateful for ivf...! We had one email conversation where I told her the stats and that it's not guaranteed that after all the poking and gawking it still may not work. Now I'm trying to be all excited for her but I can't help but be sad as well. Just sucks.

I've told a lot of people, I'm so tired of trying to hide it and when people ask directly if I want kids I don't see why I shouldn't be honest. My colleagues are amazing and just listen - I can't tell my mum (she's been rather sick and I don't want to worry her or have to deal with her constant questioning) and so my colleagues have been fab.

One colleague is driving me bonkers, she's come back from maternity leave and is telling me I should be positive, I should do x and y. I've tried to explain the stats etc and she just looks at me blankly and tells me to be positive. It took all my strength not to scream in her face to shut up and listen to what I was saying! Gah! I realised afterwards that she doesn't get it, the emotional roller coaster, the disappointment etc. At one point she said something about how I didn't know about monitoring timings and making sure we had sex at the right time. She actually told me that IVF was EASIER because we'd automatically know we were doing it at the right time! I had to explain that we don't have sex for ivf treatment! That it's done outside of my body and that we have had 2.5 years of trying, of checking timings etc. We haven't just chosen to do this over naturally conceiving! Writing this has pissed me off all over again, but has made me realise she (and most people who haven't gone through this) have no fucking idea how difficult this is and that NO ONE chooses this. If only they'd hear what they are saying and think before they speak.

I have told 2 guy friends and they were brilliant, both simply said I'm so sorry you have to go through this and one of them just asked a few questions/made a couple of jokes and I explained what ivf was. That was it and the nicest things anyone can say in this situation.