The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Meh - keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I'm off skiing today, so might not be around much this week. I guess I'll try the 'relax and it'll happen' tactic this month. Yeah right.

Xx

Fingers crossed Meh! Well done with the injecting, I have wondered if I'll struggle with that when I have to do it.

Enjoy skiing sammy, jealous! We aren't going this year as we had a big holiday over Xmas, sad to miss it!

Have a good week everyone.

Enjoy skiing sammy!

Hope everyone had a speedy Monday and storm Imogen hasn't been too much of a cow where you are! Our garden wall totally collapsed in the wind!

Had my hycospy today. The radiographer came to get me from the waiting room - my bosses wife. Talk about small town problems! Luckily she's the loveliest person possibly on the whole planet so she asked her colleague to do it instead. Not the most comfortable experience but not too bad! The radiographer said that she had to send everything to my consultant, but that off the record everything looks okay so that's one thing to hold on to!

Great news, Biscuits! Hope it wasn't too awkward with your boss's wife! Hope this doesn't mean you're rumbled at work in a way that makes things difficult.

I'm back in pre-IVF panic and despair mode, just in time to pick up my drugs on Weds. It all seems such a pointless and destructive waste. Have actually put together a flow chart (!) of all the ways it can fuck up, at any point in the process from stims to 40 weeks. DH was saying the other day he knows in his bones that we will never have a family. The idea that pregnancy ends in anything other than death just seems absurd and illogical. But we have to do IVF so that we know we tried everything, for our own peace of mind.

Only I wonder whether it will give us any peace of mind, or just exacerbate the horror of everything that's already happened. The prospect of the medical & emotional nightmare of the next 3.5 months (and possibly beyond) just seems unbearable to me today.

Does everyone get pre-IVF terror like this? Is this a normal cold feet response?

Bip your post breaks my heart. Your poor DH. I know what he means about knowing in your bones, I feel it as well. We're all here on this shit train, but sorry you're feeling particularly freaked out by it all. It's completely & totally understandable. Also get it how you need to know you've done your best. That makes complete sense. Haha I like your gant chart style! My old job was property development so I know my way round a programme... And a cash flow 😒
All I can say is you have to try to be strong. Coming from the angry-barren school of though, I like summon and harness my bitterness and think if I'm not being strong then all the people who would wish me ill (OH ex wife chiefly) are winning. Otherwise I've seen poncy show off wellbeing cunt types want on about good things about headspace

Biscuits - presumably the radiographer couldn't tell her husband about you bc of patient confidentiality? If she did and you got badly affected at work then you should lawyer up as fast as hell and/or negotiate free treatment. Glad the hycopsy went well as can be expected though.

sammy enjoy the snow! Plenty of work people been on mountains recently, looks like conditions are amazing!!

IVF start up meeting tomorrow (£245 for the cashflow). I said to OH that I don't think it'll work, he said "well with that attitude" and then I start googling "helpful" shit about 'talking to your unborn child and welcoming it and letting it know it's loved and wanted' and my reaction is "ohhhhh! That's a good idea! No, wait.." There's some study about cancer patients, attitudes and outcomes. Outcome: being happy or miserable has fuck all impact on the prognosis.

Smear today (ugh, the scrapey scrapey makes me cringe) and then consultant in AM. I had an amh test last week, so I've been making out I have some kind of vague low level diabetes "got another test tonight then a follow up tomorrow". I can tell boss is thinking "wtf" - but even if he thinks to ask his wife (as she's probably more likely to know about fertility shit) she'll be stumped too. cackles fucker.

In other news, I had my first bath this evening since getting my cats. They didn't know what the fuck to think. They both jumped up in the sink to get a better view of what the crazy woman human was doing. Tabby was particularly concerned about the whole thing, kept getting her paws up on side of bath having a good look. The bath bomb I used turned the water a horrible piss-yellow probaby didn't help 🙀🙀

Yeah, the positivity stuff really winds me up - antenatal classes are full of it. Went to a hypnobirthing class run by a pig-ignorant new age megalomaniac who professed that anyone could have a pain-free, 4-hour labour, but only if they spent enough money on her classes & recordings- visualised it enough, with total conviction, and surrendered all their doubts and negative thoughts.

We were invited to report our 'birth stories' back to the group, and we only ever heard from the people who'd had a quick & easy labour. Those who had complications tended either to drop off the radar, or to tell their story with enormous shame, desperately trying to put a happy spin on the fact they were ripped arse to navel and nearly bled to death ('my episiotomy was actually quite a spiritual experience, and I repeated my positivity mantras the whole time as they sewed me back up!'). Meanwhile the women who had an easy natural labour were encouraged to feel proud of their good fortune, and that they had cultivated superior mindpower and attained a higher spiritual plane or whatever.

So I think there's actually very little compassion in 'positivity' culture. It assigns credit for good luck, and it punishes bad luck by shaming the unlucky or banishing their stories from consciousness. And if that's not a negative attitude I don't know what is.

Whew, that was cathartic! Actually feeling a bit less morose after that.

Icy good luck for your IVF start-up appointment today! And well done for keeping the cats out of the bathwater . One of mine likes to attack my head through the shower curtain, Norman Bates style.

^ (Potatoes really hope my bitter childbirth talk didn't freak you out - suddenly realised that wasn't the most sensitive example to illustrate the ethical shortcomings of positive thinking...)

Excellent- my af arrived this morning after a month where I actually convinced myself it could be The Month (foolish foolish) and now sat in gynaecology/infertility waiting room which is also same waiting room as ante-natal. There are 8 adults in here and 5 babies /toddlers. Tactful, really tactful. Sure they won't give me my clomid today because BMI will still be too high (despite mad stupid weight loss in last few weeks) but if they did I cold begin it tomorrow. Of course not, far too positive. sigh thanks for the moan!

icy good luck!

bip I have never been this far down IVF route but definitely having the scary feeling about it not working. Firstly because we will be hugely in debt with nothing to show for it and then because of my sanity!
We had our first IVF AFC scan yesterday.
I was amazed at how much detail they tell you about the procedure etc. We got to see everything. OH prob saw more than he bargained for as I had my backside hanging off the bed and legs in stirrups 🙈
Apparently my uterus is fine, I have a retroverted cervix which they say doesn't affect pregnancy and the follicle count was 12 in total. I'm not sure what that means interms of treatment as we now have a month wait to see the consultant.

Sorry ladies, I've been away! No where nice just motel desperation! Just finished my period. So that means I am definitely out of the conceive naturally game, op next week! Me and DH don't talk about it and just act as though everything is fine and dandy. Quite scary really!!
Bip how do you manage to make me laugh a little even when your feeling a little poo? I admire you! You have to try and your DH has the right attidude. Sorry your feeling like that and having to go through all this shit again, you deserve a happy ending.
biscuits hope you get the results back quickly. Is it a tiny village that you live in?
icy hope the appointment went well. Your another step closer. Your cat story made me smile, I love animals.
inthis those waiting rooms are like a bad dream, the irony of them is cruel. Well done in the weight loss so far, you'll get that clomid soon, if not today.
How's every one else? potatoes?
sorry if I've missed anything or anyone.
Hope the storm and what ever else life has to throw at us fucks off soon

Inthis - I've got some clomid left over, having given up. 50mg dosage. Happy to post them to you. at least you'll know it's the real deal?! What weight loss regime you using btw? Definitely stick with it, all the literature/experiments show that getting bmi down helps. It's in your control but I do know how hard it is - I struggle so much with the drinking and not eating shit. I'm lucky in that bmi is acceptable but my doc is still giving me shit for my carby/starchy/insulin resistant diet!! Meal plans from diabetes.co.uk are dull as fuck.

Bip you're so right - praise for good luck is bullshit. No one would say "oh well done you, your clever hard work really paid off and got you that eurolotto win".

Karla I know exactly what you mean about wasting money and time and the whole thing being fruitless. Think of the fucking lovely kitchen, or Birkin, we could get instead. Haha I'm sure your husband has seen it all before - - nay, I HOPE he has!! Get him down there ;-) waiting waiting waiting you never know in the meantime you might get dif... Sorry I'll stop!

So today was the pre-start-up meeting. Met with consultant (again) and the nurse. Made a plan for the start-up (15 March). We're on holiday when period arrives and they need to do the dildocam on day 2 or whatever... thanks to long cycles, probably won't bleed again until end-March. Then the consultant has put me on long protocol so EC will be early May. He's got me back on metformin and bucked me up on the insulin friendly diet. Wish I'd had more waitrose chocolate covered biscuits last night when I was "ignorant" aka pretending not to remember the diet advice because it was given to me so fucking long ago.

Clinic does the EC under a general which I'm glad about bc I found the smear yesterday about my limit. He said ET is "just" like a smear (easy to say when you're toting a penis.

Christ we cope with so much. Don't let the fuckers win.

Icy May is a long time to wait. But I suppose at least you have some idea of a timeline, and things are getting underway in the meantime. You can argue for general anaesthetic for ET too - I've insisted with my clinic. Costs £200 extra, but for me it's worth it.

Pebbles hope you've managed to check out of motel desperation. Really sorry to hear about your period starting. God it's relentless. Thinking of you for next week's op & hoping you're OK in general.

O happy days, I think I'm about to get the 3-day shitting virus that's been doing the rounds. Stomach cramps, back pain, and frightening noises emanating from my belly. Just in time for a fertility clinic appointment where they may try to have a shufti with the dildocam. I really don't want anything trying to get up me when so much is threatening to come out. Terrible visions of dung-showering the nurse.

Oh icy that's really kind, the gynaecologist yesterday spent my whole appointment yawning - literally every 30 seconds- and rewriting everything that was already in my notes. Of course my BMI of 31.3 was too high- having PCOS and managed a weight loss of nearly 8 stone a couple of years ago (doing LighterLife as someome asked above) she is still pedantically niggling over another stone so more dieting and "come and see us again in 2 months and we'll give you clomid". That may be 2 yawning months for her but for me it's 2 months creeping closer to 3 years ttc and more friends instadiffing and more nosy bastards asking whether i want kids. When I asked her about any mental help / support as it's really starting to get me down she very helpfully told me to "stay positive". No joke. That was the sum total of her advice. I don't know how to do a p.m on here to send you my address but if you are serious about your offer icy I'd love to have the clomid- anything at the moment to give me some hope. As she said, she's happy to put me on it and I'm still dieting to get to this miracle weight so I feel confident that it's safe to take. Thanks !

Hi ladies, just checking in from the snow to mark my place. Hope you're all ok? Sorry for those feeling rubbish, and bip I hope you don't get ill. And if you do, I hope you don't have to have a dildo cam... For the nurses sake if nothing else! Xx

bip I hope the bugs stayed away. Dildo cam would be very unfortunate for all involved!! I am feeling a little better now, it comes in waves. But have to face reality and deal with it head on.
How was it sammy? Hope all is well with you.
inthis click on the dots at the bottom of icy's last post and the PM option to her will show up. What a horrible consultant, obviously you have been positive, you've managed to lose 8 stone!! A little support from a professional is not a lot to ask for! if your going to use Icy's clomid, be careful, I've heard it's powerful stuff for some people. Not discouraging you, bc I'd do the same but maybe have a google on the best times to take it etc And be prepared for some small side effects I.e headaches etc. I am not assuming your going to take it willy nilly, I am sure you know what your doing!
icy sounds like a good appointment, those dates are not that long away. Hope your happy with the plan, apart from the EC bit.

inthis 'stay positive'? Ffs, that was the best she could do?! Amazing work on weight loss to date, that's a stunning accomplishment. Can't believe they're quibbling over the last bit, the fuckers.

Managed not to shit on the nurse today (yay!), but dildocam revealed my afc has plummeted by 1/3 in the past 6 months. Still enough to work with but shows how shockingly quickly you can burn through your egg reserve at my age. Consultant stood in the doorway barking about my results to the nurse as though I weren't there. And fuck the needles on those syringes are long.

Hey ladies! I missed you.

On the positivity thing... Man that winds me up. Cos you know, women have been giving birth for millions of years and it's perfectly natural. Or rather, women have been dying in childbirth, left incontinent or infertile for millions of years and the plague is natural but it doesn't mean I want it, thank you very much.

I have a friend, and when I say a friend I mean someone I went to school with who is still friends with some of my other friends so I occasionally occasionally see her, who is a proper positive living hippie. She practices reiki and massage and worships the solstice (not kidding). She once told me the reason I couldn't get pregnant was because I didn't really want to. You know, like really want it in my spirit. When I could accept in my soul that I would have a baby then I could conceive. That kind of friend.

Anyway, as the free living spirit she is, she planned a home water birth with no drugs, the midwife would bring gas and air but that was of course just routine and wouldn't be needed. Candles, cuddles and her cats would be enough.

I am delighted to report that this ended in a screaming row with the midwife, a hospital transfer by ambulance and a highly medicalised delivery with lots of drugs. HA HA HA.

Anyway. Back to you lovely ladies. Thank you for still having me - there is no better place to hang out. Although the stick says I'm pregnant I don't feel it. It's just like the 2ww and will be until I see a heartbeat. My boobs are a bit swollen and sore but the clinic said this is because I'm taking progesterone myself and is not necessarily a symptom. You would have thought they would be keen to give me a bit of positivity, given that they essentially sell hope, but no. There was a 35% chance I would conceive. Now there is a 30% chance I'll miscarry.

bip I haven't felt positive for a long time about anything. Although Zita West and my acupuncturist seem to think that's the most important thing, I'm not convinced. If it was about the month we felt positive it had worked we'd all have been pregnant years ago. I'm convinced it's as much random as anything else. The glass of wine, the chocolate bar, the day you slipped over on the stairs, the day you felt really depressed - none of these things is the reason you didn't get pregnant. It's luck, random shit and a bit of science. Best of luck with the cycle, keep on keeping on.

sammy brilliant stealth boast from the slopes, love it

icy, karla, biscuits, meh sounds like wheels are well and truly in motion. Great stuff. pebbles good luck for the op, thinking of you. inthis fuck the doctors, you're doing great, bastard bmi. Hang in there another month, hopefully the numbers will be right. laura* how are things?

I've had a "stay positive" from the doctor and now a "just relax", a "you need to put a timescale on it", a "you always said you'd be happy to adopt, so what's the problem?" and a "just be grateful for your lovely DH" from 2 of my oldest friends (one of whom had her 4-month old on her first ever month ttc) in the space of 24 hours. It's cliche central!

I'm getting to the point where i don't want to speak to my oldest friends now ( i never talk about it with them, or anyone in fact) because we're so far apart in experiences now as they cannot empathise (i do NOT wish they could, don't get me wrong!) but it's just so fucking lonely isn't it?

Potatoes yours is the first pregnancy in ages that I'm really happy about, I'll not congratulate you but I might do a little "well done" under my breath instead.

Bip well done for not shitting - i could have quite happily shit on mine yesterday but that's another matter...!

Sammy yes indeed hot liquid marmite was quite as bad as it sounds - i have a large bottle of whiskey but I'm not listening to it's calls. I will not break.

icy you're damn right we do cope with so much - it's impressive that we don't all combust in a glittery-dog-shit pile of misery. Thanks for keeping me sane, all.

Sighs and grumbles to everyone.

inthis so you just need a "just get drunk, that's what we did" for a full house! Seriously, thank you for your kind words. I hope you find some decent support in real life. It was a couple of years until I shared with people and I found support in places I didn't expect, including a work colleague I had known but not been close to before. She's been amazing. She's had ivf five times and a miscarriage herself, how she finds the strength to support others I don't know.

Potatoes I hope your hippy acquaintance picked up the ambulance transfer bill. Bint.

My "children are a gift not a given" friend was moaning about how she felt sad because, whilst she and her husband bought a nice house which has gone up in value, because of their jobs their earning potential is limited & they'll never be able to "better" themselves. This was instigated when she saw a local house she loves was on market but they can't get a mortgage to buy it.

SO I SAID:
A friend of mine, when he was with his ex, got this £600k huge mortgage which really stretched them & bought a 5 bed terrace in zone 2 for £800k. Then she left him for someone else, so he had to borrow £100k off family to pay her off, and the next month he was made redundant. So he had 3 lodgers and a shit time. But then he got a new job, could afford to lose the lodgers, met his now wife and had a baby and now his house is worth nearly £2m, so it just goes to show you need to really want it and really push yourself.

Relevant? No
Helpful? No

Heh heh, nothing like giving them a taste of their own medicine Icy.

Potatoes surely anyone who's made it as far as IVF knows the stats, and not to get their hopes up, without needing to be reminded by the staff at the fertility clinic! Incidentally, while progesterone might make your boobs sore it can also suppress other pregnancy symptoms, like nausea. So they can fuck off.

Potatoes> everything of mine is crossed for you (even my hot cross buns - I nearly typed hot buns but then worried it would sound a bit dodge). I know you must feel very anxious, yet another horrible outcome of our situation.

Today I got another 'you are soooo lucky don't have kids' from a couple of people with young children. I am a long way from being certain that an answer of 'Yes, I'm soooo lucky I'm infertile!' will not be followed by copious amounts of tears, but I very nearly said it anyway, which I think is progress. One day I will say it and it will be oh so satisfying, just have to conquer the crying bit.

Also if another parent tells me that I should watch Michael McIntyre's routine about how people without children can't possibly know what it's like (Ironically I hated him even before he did this routine because I thought he came across as smug, so my head would probably explode if I actually watched this routine), I will not be responsible for my reaction.

tammy your hot buns sound awesome! Thank you for your good wishes.

bip I did NOT know that. You are a gold mine of information. Off to google.

Everyone thanks for keeping me sane and putting a smile on my face! Potatoes, found your pep talk about pregnancy being due to chance not down to what we have or haven't done very reassuring

Fingers crossed potatoes, thinking of you.

Icy good news you have an IVF date even if it's a while away. Smear sounded not nice but like your (silent) response to the consultant!

Bip hope all going OK and everyone else having treatment and appointments.

I'm just waiting for my first referral appointment in three weeks time. Luckily our GP agreed to let us have the blood tests etc done again ahead of time, as we've had it all done before when we were living in another area and were nearly at treatment stage. Hoping we can move things along faster once we have the appointment- will probably frustrate me hugely though as they will see it as step one whereas we're at 2.5 years now and I often feel i can't handle any more delays!

Have a good weekend all