The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Guys, I've caught up and I'm thinking of you all but I honestly need a fucking rant tonight!

Work colleague on maternity leave brought her six week old in today. Went through the usual "aww lovely" motions from a distance and declined a cuddle politely. Major improvement from sloping off to the ladies for a cry into my cardigan. ANYWAY. about twenty minutes after this a separate colleague took me off for a "chat" about how I'd offended the mum by saying no to a hold of the baby, and that I should be more sensitive and appreciative of the fact that she managed to come all the way in to see us, and that i really should be more of a team player and that by not being all over the baby made me look quite bad.

At which point I lost it and asked her if she had a) any idea what infertility felt like and b) any clue how much of an interfering lunatic she sounded. She just tutted at me and said that maybe we weren't conceiving because I need to lighten up, and "now go back out there and be nice to that poor girl and her lovely baby"

I'm so embarrassed and humiliated and ashamed at being told off like a naughty child after I did nothing to deserve it. I wasn't mean or rude to my colleague or her kid. Swinging between absolute tears and raging murderous thoughts. Ready to jack my job in and fuck them all but the mortgage won't pay itself.

Booked my hycospy scan for next Monday and left them all in the lurch with a massive project so hello karma. Can I just ask if any of you have gone through this, what should I ask/ look out for, and were you allowed to take someone with you?

Sorry for giant rage post!

Oh my god. Biscuits you poor thing. What a bitch. Did she know about your struggles prior to this? Not that it really matters as you mentioned it. Was she a manager? Just s colleague? Who on earth decided that we should all want to hold someone else's baby. And also, who does the mum think she is telling someone else that she's offended that you don't want to coo at her baby???? I am so angry for you.

My hycosy wasn't pleasant, but not awful. I took my mum, but don't think you're allowed anyone in the actual room with you. The worst bit for me was that my blood pressure plummeted afterwards (which can apparently happen when they touch the cervix) which made me feel dizzy and sick. It passed quickly though, don't worry about it.

Kiwi - I had counselling with my clinic. Not sure how much it actually helped, but was nice to be able to rant and cry without someone trying to cheer me up. She did offer some good advice for how to deal with dh. Our coping mechanisms are quite different so we had both been struggling. Xx

biscuits that is OUTRAGEOUS behaviour from your colleague! Not her business, not her fucking place. And a fucking stupid thing to say anyway. She was lucky to get the sharp end of your tongue not the flat end of your fist.

Re: hycosy had DH in with me. It's not pleasant but not awful. I found it v painful because I have a history of vaginismus and I tend to clamp down on speculums but without that it would just have been uncomfortable. Wear a sanitary pad, you will dribble ink afterwards.

Re: counselling, we haven't yet. I'm saving it for my likely miscarriage

bip Thanks for the giggle, you really should get on and write a book! They're scanning me at eight weeks so two weeks to go.

Two years ago I started doing stuff like looking up mat clothes online etc (sad I know). Anyway one of the things I did was pick an independent midwife. I reckon that's the way to go with infertility+vaginismus. So this week I bite the bullet and contact her. Thought it would make it 'real'. Guess what? Go on, guess? Yep - she's on mat leave having fucking baby. So that's my dance teacher, my hair dresser (and not my regular dresser - she's on mat leave - the one covering fit her is ALSO pregnant) and now the midwife I wanted.

Seriously you lot are wasting your time on ivf. Just find a way into my life as a vague acquaintance and you will instantly get preggers.

Oh my word Biscuits that is horrible! Can't believe how insensitive she was.

I have to admit the only person I've met has been my boss (who's gone through it all) When I need to vent she will just listen and agree that things are shit, but when colleagues bring their babies in for cuddles she'll make sure I'm ok (or whisk me off for an important meeting we have to have ) Don't know what I'd do without her!

Hope all appointments this week are ok!

Omg Biscuits I'm raging on your behalf ! What an insensitive cow your colleague is . It's a workplace not a bloody baby centre . I can't believe how you have been treated . I hope you bloody well do leave them in the lurch ! I had a hysteroscopy to remove a polyp back in November . I went in at 12 got gowned up and taken 430. Didn't have any pain with the Iv going in woke up with a cramp and got Oxcoydin and Parcetamol in the Iv ,forgot to say this was under general anaesthetic . Was very sleepy for about 2 hours then began to feel more alert had tea and toast then was sick . Went home with a pack Of towels had some bleeding and cramp but nothing worse than the 3rd day of a period for me . I took the full week off work though as I had flu and shouldn't have probably had the procedure but had already had it cancelled before so just wanted it done . It definitely wasn't as bad as I imagined and the sleep after it was amazing ! Good luck with yours and hope you take all the time you need to recover.

Jesus Biscuits. You could put in a complaint about that colleague of yours. I sure as fuck would. What on earth would have offended the mother about your not having a cuddle? Not surprised you're raging!

Not had a hycosy, but had a hysteroscopy last week under general anaesthetic and that was totally fine (apart from the bit where I had to stick a painkiller suppository up my bum beforehand & was terrified that my sphincter would relax under sedation & the suppository would shoot out of my arse like a bullet and put the consultant's eye out).

Kiwi I think whether counselling is helpful or not greatly depends on your relationship with your counsellor, and what you hope to get out of it. I've been seeing my therapist for over a year & find our sessions hugely helpful for some things & less so for others. For me it's a regular opportunity to cry, and to talk about the loss of my daughter, horrific details about the birth, etc, without feeling I'm upsetting anyone close to me. I also find it helpful to talk about stuff to do with my fucked-up family of origin & how that affects my feelings about having/not having a family of my own. She's not so hot on basic biology & the ins and outs (so to speak) of IVF. You can't have everything I guess.

Might be worth seeing if your work can find you someone who has experience of working with fertility issues. [http://bica.net/directory/view These people]] might also be helpful. EAPs generally only get you 6 sessions, which might or might not be enough depending on what you want to bring to it.

biscuits that's fucking horrible of your colleague. So fucking what if you don't want to hold a new born baby. She had no right to do that to you, she should have checked to make sure you was ok. The woman with the baby should of kept her mouth shut or realised from a females perspective that something may have upset you.
I cannot believe that has happened in the work place!
Sorry you've had to deal with that fucking shit today. Hope the project go tits ups and your appointment goes well. Take care this week Hun xxx
potatoes your a super star! How nice of you to make all those woman around you pregnant with your fertility aura. Where do you live? I'll pop round and walk out up duff I really hope you have a smooth ride in all of this, you've given me some hope.
bip you always manage to make me smile, I had a funny image of a flat arse before...made me chuckle. I am really down, not going to lie on here and say everything is dandy. Let's face it, it's not! My op is in a few weeks. Feel quite numb about the whole thing.
Hello to every one and the newbies xx

Biscuits - I've woken up still thinking about your horrible day. I think you should contact HR. That's bullying in the work place and should not be allowed. It was nothing to do with your job, you weren't refusing to do a work task, and so really was no one else's business. Really hope you're ok. Xx

Thank you everyone. She isn't a manager or my senior, just an old doddery woman who thinks age has made her and expert, when it's just made her an interfering old busybody that the entire office has to quietly tolerate. I asked the girl who sits on a desk by ours if I had offended the mum, as they were stood chatting the whole time and she was a bit WTAF as the mum hasn't even hinted at being annoyed let alone said anything to anyone, so it seems to just be a case of this nasty interfering old woman getting her two pence in.

Thanks sammy - Definately taking it further. I have a managers meeting with HR today actually so am going to hang back and speak with them then. Spent last night applying for other jobs as this really is the last straw.

Potatoes- I'm moving your way for upduff stalking purposes

Thank you all for your advice about the scan next week!

I've half written about ten posts and then not quite finished them so whatever happens I will press send this time! Love this thread, am always reading for a chuckle or a rage at the latest bullshit that some poor person is dealing with.

biscuits your colleague is a bitch. How dare she?! I'm sorry you have to deal with that shit and fair play to you taking it further. I think it was you that mentioned 'the weight of the of living' a few posts back. I thought that was such an apt way to describe when life in general is exhausting and only the basics are just about manageable. I definitely have stretches like that.

fractious I'm really sorry to hear your cycle isn't going as planned. Don't feel you have to drop off the thread, lots of support on offer whatever happens. Also, having had a failed cycle at BWH, if there's anything else you want to ask then please do. Thinking of you.

Not sure who was asking about hycosy - I had a hsg rather than hycosy at the hospital site I worked at and then went off to a meeting straight after. I was a bit crampy but not worse than my usual evil periods.

bip you are nails, and bloody amazing to boot. I'm in awe of your strength and I can't begin to imagine how tough your loss must be and then to not have it acknowledged. Keep being hilarious though, I laughed out loud at the sad flat arse comment.

Potatoes hope you're hanging in there.

pebbles I hate the fact that we're supposed to be chipper in the face of the grinding misery that is infertility. It's ok to be down - brave faces not required.

I'm sure I've missed stuff but if I don't press send now then I'll forget again! Back later to rant about my own work shite and catch up on the rest of the thread!!

Biscuits, un- fucking- believable!! Definitely sounds like a case of meddling old woman though. Good on you going to HR, I hope they fire her ass (we can hope).

Thanks everyone for your comments re counseling. Sammy interesting re the help with DH, that could be useful- guess I'll see how it goes. Bip, I do only get six sessions- thanks very much for that link.

Hope everyone is having an OK day x

Biscuits - glad your taking it further, hope she gets what she deserves.

Kiwi - yeah, I'd say it's worth a try. If you don't like it you don't have to go back.

I just had a brilliant auto correct on another thread. Was talking about medications and my phone auto corrected cyclogest pessaries to cyclogest predators!

Had planning appointment today so am now good to go with IVF on my next AF, so sometime around the 26th as CD7 today. 1 last shot (haha) at a natural bfp. X

That's great news Sammy , fingers crossed for a successful cycle (or a pre ivf ironidiff)

pebbles I know what you mean about numb. Sometimes so much of this stuff happens "to" us and there's not much we can actually do. And sometimes it's hard to care. Just want to get on with it! Good luck preparing for the op.

fractious I hope you're ok. I know you said it's not going well. We're here if you want to rant or share.

laura reading your post reminded that life seems to divided into "waiting for tests", "waiting for test results" and "working out what test results mean", leading to "booking more tests". I hope the wait isn't too long for you and that everything stays on track.

Lots of stuff kicking off for lots of you lovely ladies. Sorry for those I haven't specifically mentioned. Thinking of you all, and not sending you any baby dust

Oh God, Fractious that sounds so stressful. And the dose fuck-up & ensuing row sounds hugely upsetting. I'm always astonished that they leave all the measuring of meds to patients. Seems so easy to over- or under-medicate yourself (/your partner...) in a moment of carelessness. How are you & DH doing now? I hope you're not feeling too rough physically - never-ending stims can't be a walk in the park. I'm wishing hard for things to turn around for you.

Sammy fingers crossed for a Valentine's Day ironidiff - otherwise we'll be on a similar IVF schedule. I start injecting around 16th or so.

Laura how's it going? Has your period started or are you still in limbo?

Biscuits (or Buscuits as Fractious's typo-tastic phone has it, so that I now read Fractious's posts in a kiwi accent) I can't stop thinking about how much I want to punch your awful colleague. Really hope HR give her a stern talking-to at the very least. WTF.

Pebbles thinking of you - do rant away if it's at all helpful.

Potatoes really hoping all is going smoothly for you.

Ovulated this week. Managed 4 consecutive days in the run-up. A good effort & under extreme duress, too - DH's cock should get a medal for bravery. He came home in floods of tears on peak sex day but still managed to get those sperm up there in possibly the most heartbroken and despairing shag I've ever had. Afterwards I was thinking of what someone's contemptible shit of a fertility consultant said to them about babies being 'made from love', and laughed bitterly to myself.

Be as me me me as you like fractious because that sucks. Here's hoping the extra drugs kick in. As for a new level of boredom - it certainly is! Clock watching, timed, injected boredom. Best of luck

Oh frac that's bloody shit! You take all the time/emotions/wine/cake that you need because you're totally in your right to feel like that! Really hope things pick up for you!

Potatoes how long now until your appointment? I'm on pins for you!

Sammy - joining you on the Valentine's Day duffing. How romantic..

Pebbles let it all out, you'll drive yourself mental otherwise and if anyone understands, it's us.

Bip I may change my name to buscuits. I'm feeling it. HR are notoriously relaxed where I work so I'm pinning my hopes on the old hag falling down one of the well-deep potholes in the car park. Fingers crossed.

Congrats on the ovulation! Your poor DH's heart break shag made me pull a muscle laughing! I totally get where you're coming from with the "born out of love" shite - DH and I once had sex during a blazing row, set to the sweet nothings of " this doesn't mean I forgive you" and "you're still a total shitface" sexy..

Just thought I would have a quick catch up.

potatoes good luck with the scan!

fractious I hope your shity cycle hasn't got any shitier!

My week to date:
Monday- heavy spotting (with clots) TMI I know, sorry guys! So that officially means on to IVF we go. Haven't told OH yet can't face it. So you are the first to know.

Tuesday- I collected my niece from pre school for the first time, I felt like an utter fraud I felt so out of place stood with all the yummy mummies, I just stared at the ground the whole time feeling barren and awkward.

Weds- glanced at Facebook for the first time in days and the first thing I see is a scan photo of a friend who's first kid only just turned 1.. Fertile fukers!

Today I booked my pre consultation scan appointment for the IVF treatment, I think I assumed as its private they will magic up any appointment I demand.. Wrong! Plus it's a months wait for the first consultation with a consultant..so with it being Valentine's Day soon, I ordered some edible nipple tassels and chocolate body paint Which is so not like me! But I though why the hell not, get the OH into a frenzie and make them god damn sperm swim for their lives! 😅

Anyway Happy weekend everyone.

oh why do i do it to myself? On the Other boards looking for the same crap i look for every month before The Witch arrives and I sink into self-pity again. So many "TTC #1 Cycle #1 BFP" and "With my other 4 I had my bfp at 3dpo - why isn't it here after 6dpo this time - am I out?"
cue woo-hoo congrats and blah blah blah... fuck off.
I'm so silly to even look. Currently in that stupid phase of poas in vain every day and then squinty squinty squint for the invisible line. Also on mental diet involving no booze / food at all - so when AF does inevitably show up I will have a cup of hot marmite to cry into.
Love being able to vent on here , cheers ladies.

I come bearing news that there are good people in the world!

All my friends are mega fertile and we have a whatsapp group that is mostly about breastfeeding and potty training.

They know what's going on with me and have varied in their degree of empathy - pregnancy for them is exciting, not terrifying amd fragile. However one lovely lady said she was sorry she didn't know how I felt but knew it must be hard, and I've just received a surprise parcel of chocolate, tea, slipper socks and a mindfulness colouring book.

I feel genuinely touched that SOMEONE GETS IT! Yes!

karla fantastic valentines plans! Although this is the home of tmi you can maybe spare us some of the details

bip I think I love your dh a little bit. You guys have been through so much. These things either bring you together or tear you apart. He sounds so lovely. And good skills for four in a row. That would definitely have been a "pot" day for us.

biscuits still a week and a half to go until the scan. So long! I'm back to testing every day. Yes I've literally lost the plot.

Hi everyone! How are you all doing?

I'm still trying to catch up with the posts over the last few days. I've missed a lot! Biscuit, the old hag needs a smack. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I've started to inject myself, that's fun isn't it (!) I was shit scared doing it...not because of the injecting but because it feels more real and the risk of it not working is very real too! Unfortunately I have nothing to throw myself into. My conference is done and dusted (all went well so I had a glass of champagne to celebrate...It was goooood!)

InThis I hear you. I wish I could just take my eyeballs out post ovulation. Stick squinting is awful. But not half so awful as hot liquid marmite! Please tell me you won't really drink that, I might have to stage an intervention.

Potatoes, respect for being able to endure that Whatsapp group. And I'm so pleased you've got a lovely friend who gets it. Here's to the good-hearted people / .

Karla - sorry things are shitty. I highly advocate baileys and a bar of chocolate the size of a wardrobe. I eat my feelings..

Potatoes - Christ well done on that whatsapp group you deserve a medal! You piss on those sticks! I'd be exactly the same! Your gifty friend sounds lovely - is she in the market for a needy emotionally unstable Welsh buddy?

Meh - I'd love to smack her one, but I've trawled through the staff handbook and unfortunately it turns out that lamping grannies is frowned upon by senior management. Killjoys. Stupid question but have you tried that numbing gel and those frozen ice packs to numb where you're injecting? Total respect, I dry heave just at the thought of it! if all else fails, tubs of Ben and jerrys could work as both a cold compress and a stab-bribe. Winner.

Oooh Bip, my IVF buddy! Lol.
I'm doing a FET so no needles involved for me this time. Just one hell of a lot of estrogen to try and get a nice thick lining. Af is due 26th so baseline will be around the 29th and the drugs will start then!

Fractious - I hope things have improved. I had the opposite problem on my fresh round, I got OHSS. But responded really badly in my FET and lining never got thick enough for transfer and I got sick from the drugs. It sucks, hang in there.

Karla - edible nipple tassels?! I didn't even know they were a thing! Lol.

Inthis - hit liquid marmite sounds awful!

Potatoes - your friend sounds awesome. I think I'm going to confide in a work friend, she's very private and I trust that she wouldn't tell anyone. Fx she is as lively as your friend.

Meh - good work on the injections :). You can do it! I know what you mean about the risk of it failing feeling more real. I felt the same. Xx

Heh@ checking the handbook! If only there was a section on when it is ok to smack interfering old biddies!

Tbh the first day I had to inject was the last night of our conference, I legged it just before starters to inject myself and had a back up plan of asking a colleague to do it in case I couldn't. As it was dinner time I decided it would be mean and I should get on with it! Don't need the ice...It's such a small needle that it doesn't hurt at all (teeny tiny pin prick)

Thanks sammylou I have only been doing it for 3 days and am already bloated :-(