The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Just handed over £5900 for drugs and the first part of IVF up to fertilisation. After that it's £300 for every embryo they test and then another few £k for freezing and FET transfer and storage and couriering embryos back & forth. Have already spent £6k on tests & procedures. I feel sick. Sick and stupid and delusional.

bip that's shocking!
And I am also now shitting it as I thought it would cost me £6k tops!
Better get some over time in..

Karla, it's the ICSI & PICSI & PGS that really whack up the cost, so if you're not doing those it won't be so bad. Prob cheaper out of London too. Clinics are a bit sneaky, they say 'IVF' costs X (about £3k at my clinic) but they don't always make it terribly clear that the drugs and blood screens & initial tests & follow-on investigations & consultant appts & nurse consultations & genetic counselling & various other bits & pieces they require you to do are not part of 'IVF' and are charged separately. Mine will have cost £13-£16k when it's all done, assuming they get any embryos to test. If you've got a more straightforward case / are not going for all the bells & whistles it will prob come in much cheaper. Worth having a thorough look at your clinic's pice list & asking to talk to someone about what you'll need to have done.

Thanks bip we have our 1st consultant appointment in a few weeks so I guess then we will see what sort of treatment we are looking at. I am expecting to need a lot, my afc result showed 12 follies. I googled it when I got home and that figure doesn't seem great! So assume that im going to need all the help I can get!

Hey karla, bip's right, it's the extras that up the cost. I had bog standard ivf. "Ivf" was £3500. Drugs were £1200. Booking appointments, nurse app, extra sperm check etc etc c. £700. Embryo glue £150. Culture spare embryos to five days £500. Freeze spare embryos £800. So total more like £7000. This is home counties.

bip you're not deluded. You're very brave. And we understand even if others wouldn't why you're doing this.

WTF is picsi though? That's a new one to me!

Happy Friday everyone. I guess we're the only ladies in Britain not hitting the vino tonight!

potatoes thanks for your info, I have the calculator out as we speak.
Not had one in a while 42 days and counting but may need a stiff drink once I have done the sums😅

Ditto potatoes comment, happy Friday everyone.

PICSI is where they sift through all DH's sperm and find the least mutated prettiest ones to inject into my eggs. Since 96% of his swimmers are deviant in some way or another & possibly carrying forms of genetic badness we want to get the most normal-looking ones in there.

It's been a shitty day - apart from parting with all that money I finally had the lab results back from my last miscarriage. It was Trisomy 22 - more likely than other trisomies to be caused by chromosomal translocations or microdeletions that won't have been picked up on our karyotypes (so that was a wasted £600). They also told me the embryo was female. Felt incredibly sad somehow to hear that.

So I'm bucking the trend and having a massive fucking glass of wine with my fish finger sandwiches tonight. Happy Friday all!

& karla 12 follicles really isn't bad at all - particularly as you're still young so they'll be nice & fresh & plump - that's what matters most.

Ahh bip what sad news. So sorry.
But thank you for your reassurance. After all the sad, shit times you are having. Taking the time to lift other people's spirits makes you amazing!.. Maybe not as amazing as that glass of wine you are drinking though? Gimme a sip

Praying for some good luck for you, think it must be your turn now.

bip that's sad to hear. I agree with karla, I'm equally grateful for and amazed by your ability to support others when you have so much going on. Enjoy your wine. And your fish finger sandwich omg am having a retro moment, yum. May the powers of glittery dog poo, science and blind luck bring you good fortune this cycle.

Here you go, Karla!

And I'm having Liquorice All Sorts for dessert. And watching some episodes of Silicon Valley. And then sleeping for as long as I possibly can.

Bip so sorry to hear that. Good on you for the glass of wine and TV last night, I hope you got a good sleep. X

Hello ladies!

Sorry I've been off radar for a bit, I've been lurking and catching up when I can but haven't managed to sit and write what's been happening for a bit.

Bip I completely understand why you're upset, and so sorry you've had to deal with that sad news.

karla the devil is in the detail when it comes to the moola! It's crazy how much it increases by isn't it?

So, on to update from me. I was last posting on here when I was unsure whether I'd had a very early very light period or something else was amiss. I had the blood tests done by a lovely nurse who took pity on me and waited for full period to kick in. It didn't. Emotions ran to high again this week when I was wondering whether to go for the ultrasound I'd booked in for day 12. My clinic in the Czech Rep have been fab, communicating with me daily (they must be dreading the day I go in!) and rethinking the protocol with each new result. My blood results came back bordering on normal which is better than before, and my ultrasound all looked good with 15 eggs in one ovary and couldn't see the other as there was a blood clot which signifies recentish ovulation. All normal-ish. Even better with DH's result - he's quadrupled his count although 90% are 'abnormal' so like Bip we'll be going along with PICSI to get the best swimmers.

I was the epitome of anti-fertility last weekend on a trip to Center Parcs with DH and 6 of our mates - I turned into a nocturnal alcoholic! Have never laughed so much in my life though and felt more brilliant than I have done for a while. It was an absolute tonic and I'm ready to get on with this treatment and face it head on. I start stims around March 2nd and EC should be 18th-20th March hopefully. Flights and hotel are booked and we're ready to rock!

It seems like we're on all sort of the same path heading up to real treatment now and I'm throwing glittery, sparkly shit at you all :)

lauraqc that's great news! Good luck with it.

bip sorry you have had such a shitty few days, you are awesome and so very brave! I hope today has been a better day xx

My week has been up and down, husband has made some VERY stupid comments which was rather upsetting. He seems to have apologised, unfortunately, the seed has been sown and his words are in my head :-(
EC is booked for Tuesday morning and I'm a little freaked out by it all.

meh men really can be idiots sometimes. They don't mean to be but I suppose they have to try to cope with all of this stress in their own ways. We get to come to terms with what's happening as we Google, research and spend hours studying signs and symptoms. They only know what we tell them! So I have learnt from experience to drip feed the info and let my OH deal with it all in his own way. Sometimes he's grumpy, sometimes he gets pissed and stays up all night watching trashy TV. I want to deck him for it but we just have to keep calm and carry on!
I hope Tuesday goes well for you.

Thanks karla
I know what you mean, it's all a bit complicated as for us it's MFI and so it's guilt and the loss of control I suppose. Was just hurt that he put everything on me (made comments about me eating). He did apologise but I have to admit all of that is in the back of my head and it sucks tbh. Just have to get on with it.

Kiwi thanks! Couldn't sleep last night but had an amazing nap this afternoon thanks to a long lunchtime bath. Naps & baths on a rainy day - more perks of the barrentastic lifestyle. If I had a kid I'd have had to spend the whole day at some grubby soft play centre catching norovirus.

Laura that all sounds like great news re: bloodwork and afc and sperm count! And brilliant that the clinic are so responsive. And your Centre Parcs weekend sounds awesome. Like a little sort of pre-IVF hen weekend. It all sounds like it's coming together.

Funny when they can't see one of your ovaries - my left one is always hiding, and they have to have a protracted eye-watering stab around with the dildocam until they get it in their sights.

Got my box of drugs today. I'm totally baffled, so many boxes and bags, all labelled confusingly, and I've no idea which needles go on which syringes, having not paid attention during the demonstration at the clinic. I was kind of expecting there would be some instructions in the box, but no. Feels like trying to make a baby out of an IKEA flat pack.

Meh, sorry your husband's put his foot in it. I think there's a big part of this stuff men will just never be able to understand, as it's not their body & feels abstract. The best you can hope for sometimes is that they understand that they don't understand. I know what you mean about words sticking in your mind though, particularly when you're feeling a bit alone and misunderstood. This is bound to be a super high stress time for you both. I've got everything crossed for you for egg collection.

Fractious, if you're out there, how are things going for you?

Potatoes your scan must be coming up soon - how are you feeling?

Pebbles you doing OK?

Meh cross post as lost internet for a while - he made comments about you eating? What a fucktard. You're stressed to fuck & pumped full of mad hormones & full of eggs like a spawning frog & he has a go at you for your diet? I know MFI is tough on a man, but the entire rest of the process is pretty brutal & humiliating for us so he needs to get over himself a touch. That must have been really upsetting.

Yeh, he is a fucktard. If I remember correctly one of the comments was along the lines of him finding it unfair that he may never having a baby because I can't control myself. I think I was just so shocked at what he said I couldn't reply. So now I'm freaking out every time I eat and trying to eat normally because that is important.

I was already scared/worried about the one free treatment not working that now I'm twice as scared if that's even possible.

To be fair to him, he apologised that night and continued to apologise for most of the week, he said he was scared and lashed out at me...doesn't take away the fact that the seed has been planted in my head now!

Sorry to moan ladies!

meh don't be sorry. I'm sure we will all be taking out turn to vent.
Life can be shit, we know it but it goes on so we have to deal with it.

Meh that's very unfair of him- you could say the same to him, that you find it unfair you may never have a baby because of MFI, but wouldn't of course! I can understand though that he's very stressed and so lashed out. Could you explain to him how those comments have really added to your stress and are making things even tougher for you? Hugs.

Bip omg the box of drugs without instructions scares me! At least I'll have all of you guys to advise me!

Laura exciting. Good luck to you.

Bit of an awkward situation for me this weekend. DH's boss asked us to do something with him and his wife today that involved drinking. I told DH we can't commit to that for obvious reasons. Boss kept asking DH. DH panicked cos he hates lying and told him a couple of excuses, one of which makes me out as very high maintenance and the other me being hung over from a work do last night. We are now seeing them for dinner tonight so must remember to pretend to be hungover Honestly, DH was an idiot! Having to go through these charades really pisses me off.

Barrentastic Sunday times for everyone I hope

Meh my DH wandered by & his eye was drawn to the word 'fucktard' on my screen. He's now given me a massive bollocking for calling your DH that. I promise I didn't mean it in a horrible way! I'm sure he's absolutely lovely - we all get things wrong under stress.

(But also, unless you're eating gravel & battery acid it's unlikely that your eating habits are going to scupper your chances of having a baby.)

Kiwi I'm a bit that your DH's boss wanted the both of you over for Valentine's Day. And that he was so insistent. Could they be swingers? If so, feigning a hangover could be a great excuse to lock yourself in the toilet and fend off the strange. Good luck!

Hi ladies.
bip stopping making me bloody laugh!!! Norovirus in a play centre!! Hope your feeling ok. Sorry for those test results you got back. Have you figured out the IKEA IVF box of tricks yet? Is it different from the last time?
laura a woman on another thread I was watching has just got a BFP on her first go from that clinic in Czech. They seem very good.
meh this shit really tests the strength and patience of a good relationship. I hope your feeling better. I am sure it was just in the heat of the moment and he feels awful for it.
Hope EC goes well x
kiwi I have excuses prepared for all events now. I try not to lie too much, just bend the truth have a lovely night. Don't look too glam, a little hungover!
Well it's op day tomorrow, have kept a brave face on all day. Had a little cry this morning because DH got me a card and flowers for V day even though we agreed no gifts. Very thoughtful of him, I thinks he's nervous. I am hoping it all goes well and I wake up with ovaries
I'll keep you posted.
Have a great week ladies x

Thanks ladies!
bip don't worry about it, I know what you meant and tbh I called him a fucktard too!
kiwi I was very close to saying that but I know that it would be something I could never take back and I was the bigger man in the end heh.

He has been apologetic since then and has made an effort. I got a box of chocolates for Valentine's day

Now I need to calm the rising panic of EC and all that it entails (mostly freaking out about it all happening and not working etc!)

Good luck with the boss and his wife tonight kiwi

Good luck pebbles