The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Bip - that is awful, il so sorry you've had to deal with that. Xx

Karlafox I read thatRobert Winston thing too and like you I thought that will be me ! Bipbipidotta that's appalling everything that's been happening to you ! Have any of you been tempted to try any of the supplement things like DHEA off of the Internet ?

I tried DHEA for a couple of months, until suddenly half my hair fell out. Decided I'd rather be barren than bald.

I can recommend DHEA as a legal high though. It's not unlike speed. I had endless stamina at the gym, wrote a 10k word dissertation in about 4 days... and was constantly grinding my jaw and picking fights with people.

Potatoes - so glad! How are you feeling? Do you have much time off work?

I'm totally sense here but what's DHEA?

DHEA is a steroid used by infertile women & bodybuilders (hence the insane roid rage when you take it). Some US fertility clinics suggest older women take it for a few months prior to IVF to improve egg quality. No real evidence suggesting it works, but that didn't stop me necking it without a second thought.

- there you go, fractious

Potatoes - hope you get a good rest tonight. Sending good implantation vibes your way.

Fractious I hear you on the wine. I've been hammering the sober blogs out there to try to stay on track. Am not an alcoholic but definitely have that Northern European habit of enjoying a glass too many. No hangovers is nice though. That's the only thing that's getting me through the evenings.

Bip roid rage and baldness sounds mental. And yet entirely understandable because it might be the elusive silver bullet.

Potatoes all the best for it, really really hoping that it comes good.

I went to a legal seminar in the City this evening on tenants exercising break clauses in commercial leases and some pitfalls/things to avoid. Then diet coke, shamelessly hoovered canapés like a student for dinner and home. On the one hand get a life, but at least it was an evening thinking about something else. But mainly get a life!

Oh I have thin hair as it is so glad I heard about the bald side effect don't fancy that

It's been busy in here lately!

bip I can't quite believe that about your entitlement. Seems utterly cruel. I've not heard of hair falling out from DHEA but I will avoid anyway - it's only recommended if you have very low AMH anyway, I think.

Potatoes I'm keeping everything crossed for you for a calm 2ww and a bfp at the end. I went a bit mental in the ivf 2ww - From about day 9 or so I started getting symptoms and I couldn't think about anything else or function at work.

I'm midlands too fractious, but I work in London at the moment so registered here for ivf purposes. I used my one go in Birmingham (bfn) but I am entitled to another one under my London CCG. The wait for this cycle has been 8 months and it would have been 10 if they hadn't squeezed me in to a cancellation. Birmingham was at least a year from initial referral to actually doing the cycle - like you said, long gaps between appointments etc, plus I had a lap
and hysteroscopy.

karla I do that too. I'm obsessed with age and pregnancy of friends and famous people.

I can't bloody stand those 'am I pregnant threads'. One day I will write 'THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT IS TO DO A TEST YOU FUCKWIT. For the sake of humanity, let's hope not'.

I do worry that it is karma from the universe for thinking these thoughts that is behind my own infertility!!

Hope everyone else is doing ok. I had my kick off apointment yesterday so now have drugs, needles and a plan - don't start until early feb though, so a few weeks of getting myself prepared ahead.

Hello ladies, this IVF lottery is bloody crap. all hospitals should have the same budgets to help patients in the same fair way. But we don't live in la la land do we?
BipI read the thread the other day and your story has stuck in my mind. Cannot believe what you have been through. You deserve a break and another chance at IVF working for you. Have you considered appealing against your trust? I know you said you didn't after what happened, but it seems unfair they are able to get away with that. Xx
Potatoes cannot imagine what a 2ww must feel like! I've read woman eat pineapple, Brazil nuts and pomegranate juice, supposed to help with implantation?? Who knows?! You trying any of that stuff?
I am a crazy googler and would probably OD on nuts and turn into a giant fruit
Shitty Glitter bombs to everyone.
P.S anyone else using Inositol? I use it to help my PCOS (it regulated my cycles, from none to 35days) also meant to help with egg quality x

Pebbles - I would be interested to try the inositol (poor egg quality) do you know if there are any side effects or reasons not to use with other meds. I am on Gonal F.

I don't think so Karla it's even mentioned in the book 'it starts with an egg' and that's all about what foods, supplements to use pre and during IVF.
I get mine on line from My protein.com. I take a heaped teaspoon every morning (4g) in about 3 inches of water. Some people do 2g AM and 2g PM.
I am sure if you google the book you will find the info xx

Pebbles - think I'll give that a go. Can't hurt.

Didn't track anything at all over December. Fairly sure I ovulated between Xmas and new year (as could feel swollen ovary) so reckon am due on soon. Dec was first month "off" trying since we started. Clomid hadn't worked for 8 rounds, so ditched it, along with metformin. No opk either... just took the view that as since we'll be IVFing this year, we can just give up on all the guff.

Keep feeling like period is starting today, but not yet. Wish it just bloody would. Trying to quash the tiny little flicker of ironidiff hope. Talk me down! I don't need stupid irrational hope.

Thanks pebbles I'm on to it now, although I am a bit of a wuss when it comes to this sort of thing re side affects etc ( never even puffed on a fag!!) but reckon the pro's must out weigh the con's!

Thanks, lovelies, for your kind thoughts.

Though again about appealing decision yesterday, but even if I did get a referral, the waiting list is around 18 months, so I'd be 40 before I got anywhere. If I am still doing this at 40, please somebody shoot me. I had such different plans for middle age.

Icy Those days before your period, when you're not sure when you ovulated, are a very special type of hell. Particularly without booze. Hang in there.

Congrats on your needles & drugs & plan, Tigerdog! Are you doing short or long protocol?

Icy been there last week it's torture ! I still do that stupid knicker checking thing though you would think after as long I'd know better .

Icy 8 months of clomid sounds dreadful. Sometimes you just need a rest. I found knowing ivf was coming up meant I could switch off a bit (like it was out of my hands). And to an extent it has been like that throughout - each day someone tells me what to do, and tells me not to have sex for six weeks. It has been bliss (sometimes). I hope that works for you. But don't tell anyone you're going on to ivf because the fuckers will confidently inform you that you'll DEFINTIELY get pregnant the month before you start because that's what happens to everyone. Or one person they heard of once through their mum's neighbour who may, in fact, be made up.

Best wishes to everyone starting drugs now, especially those of you injecting to down reg as well as stim, that's a lot of needles. Ice cube on the spot before you inject helps I found.

Dietry tips all very intersting. I've been super shit at diet this time round, because I focussed on making time, space and relaxing. I hate any restrictions on my food. So I took the " if it makes me happy, it must a good thing" approach. Sadly mince pies, cake and chocolate make me happy. And (caffeinated) tea. I even drank a little alcohol while stimming. If it doesn't work this time I'll consider a stricter diet next time so let me know how you find it. Oh and diet during the 2ww is mainly prunes because the progesterone is making me really really constipated. Lovely.

Fertility massage?! Reading this & tempted...!

www.fertilitymassage.co.uk/client-testimonials/

I'm doing a type of long protocol bip. Norethisterone followed by a week or so of Burserelin and then stimming. I don't blame you for not wanting to wait, the wait following my referral (8 months) has been hellish - I don't think I could have lasted twice as long.

That tiny flicker of hope is a bastard icy. I had a very rare long cycle last month and I was starting to get hopeful. ha.

potatoes if diet was the answer, then only the healthiest people would get pregnant. I can't really talk because I'm terrible for beating myself up about what I eat/drink but but ultimately I can't imagine it makes much difference.

I'd try it Icy and Karla I haven't heard of any side effects.
Bip don't give up, a lot can happen in 18 months. I know a few woman who are very very close to me who have had children at the age of 40 and 41, not IVF but still beat statistics etc.
Potatoes I would need chocolate, wine and crisps if I was on a 6 week sex ban!
The irony of no sex to make a baby, thank the universe for science!
Really hope I get to give IVF a shot (in the bum)
Icy I've rubbed my abdomen many a time after googling those massages, cannot do any harm at all!!!
Tiger good luck with your up coming cycle

Still playing the game fractious, oh yes. Shitbody has been shit for a long time now, though, so deep down I know it will never fail to disappoint!! Wish I could drink (but drinking doesn't solve problems just makes them worse [insert random AA mantra] etc etc).

Sorry to hear about your painful period. Before I had the lap my periods were awful. I used to have to leave my desk, escape to stairwell and lean on bannister and groan gently to help ease pain. Also mainline feminax. The doc (unsurprisingly) found a load of endo which he duly zapped. Period pain returning tho as the endo grows back. Cunt.

What was the buserelin for? For a long term barren i know fuck all about treatment!!

Periods suck never mind painful ones. Mine sometimes are so bad I get the sweats and shakes.
Day 4 scan today. 1 follicle measuring 1.1cm so off I go with the Gonal F injections again. The nurse couldn't remember what number IUI I am now on, when I said 3rd and final she said 'okkkkay' with so much pitty in her voice I wanted to cry and punch her ( in the ovaries) at the same time.
So on my lunch break I decided to motivate myself and do some on line shopping.
pebbles i took your advice and purchased the book, also ordered the vitamin C and E suppliaments, and searched for the cheapest website to get the recommended CoQ10. Shit that's some expensive stuff!
So by this time next month I expect to have eggs the size of golf balls ready and ripe for fertilising

Hah icy I'm the same - I've just done a whole round of ivf and don't actually know the names of any of the drugs I took! Basically just sniffed / injected / inserted in my fanny whatever I was told to. (Sounds like I should audition for 50 shades of grey with that approach!)

All going ok here. Back at work. Happy. Relaxed. Not feeling like a person who is pregnant though. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it in a week or so I guess.