The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Fractious - oh right! "Looking forward" to learning all about it :-/
Sorry it's still sore. Life is crap. Well done on the flexible job though lady! My boss is a fucking stickler for arses on chairs. Twat.

Re boozing - dry jan as a started (socially acceptable) and then I aim to carry it on. Maybe the odd one small glass here or there where completely unavoidable, but no drinking at home as Friday+box set+bottle red wine each is too easily done, and frankly I'm done wth the hangovers and all the fuzziness and greasiness that surrounds it. Well.,, at least that's what I'm saying now. For sure though, if the treatment all runs it's course and doesn't work out, I fully intend to quit my job and spend a good amount of time drinking hard.

Karla shame on that nurse. It's her job - nay - DUTY to be unfailingly neutral and professional with all patients. No false hope chirpiness, no fucking pity. None of it. Tosser. The supplements though sound interesting, and you definitely need to report back on if they promote any golf ball follicles.

Boring long dull day. Period not shown up yet so hope glimmers and makes me feel even sadder because I know it's a fairytale.

Early night for me. OH away with work. Me and the cats in bed tonight :-)

I thank my lucky stars I've never had painful periods. or or whatever treats you're allowed to those suffering.

Karla sorry to hear you're on the injections again. How do you find IUI generally? I'm wondering whether I shouldn't give that a go in the month between now and IVF, just for shits and giggles.

Fractious when do you start stimming?

FWIW, I did actually get pregnant the month before IVF was due to start, just like all the fuckers told me would happen. Got a positive test literally the morning of my initial appt. They all said, 'I told you so!'. Then I miscarried. The whole episode has set me back 3 months.

Oh bip I think we should give you your own series, or at least a column somewhere. The shit you've been through. Yuck.

bip I find IUI fine. I am sure it's a breeze in comparison to what IVF entails.
It's basically internal scans between days 5-10 with the meds to mature the follicles then when it's grown to an ok size they give you an ovulation trigger and bring you back along with a fresh sample from DP/hubby etc were they wash and prep it then basically lay you on the couch and insert via a catheter (which is the most uncomfortable bit) and bobs your uncle (apparently )
The only thing I was surprised at is that I don't get scanned on the day as well - I expected they would want to see if the eggs still attached to the ovary or something. Especially for people like me who seem to ovulated all over the place. But it's the NHS, perhaps private treatment is different
It would cost around £790 at the private clinic I am thinking of using so it's still a toss up ( excuse the pun) between paying for another go privately or putting the cash towards IVF.

Karla do tell if that C10 or whatever it's named works! I cannot afford anymore supplements TBH. My Holland and Barrett spending is out of control! I could have bought a bloody baby at this rate . Hope that nurse realised how much of a dickhead she is.
Pot I got a little flip in my stomach at the thought of you in work with that little embryo inside you. How can you do any work? Do you have any nice colleagues that you have confided in?
Fractious hang on in there! Hope it eases off soon and you find something that will soothe the pain ?
Have a nice weekend ladies. F/YOU dry January!!! Could do with a large G&T when I get home tomorrow
Xx

Potatoes missed your post earlier - really sorry know that this sounds gauche but try not to think about it! Do as I say not as I do, yeh?

I've just realise that every time I see a pregnant woman or an image of one I visibly flinch!

Fractious please don't worry about the ibuprofen. If it was a massive, life-threatening, IVF-thwarting no-no they definitely would have made this clear.

potatoes brilliant you're feeling happy & relaxed. There is some consolation in there being nothing left to do.

Dunno if anyone else gets this, but today I feel I've totally lost sight of the fact that I'm trying to have a family. I'm so narrowly focused on the epic struggle of Me vs Biology, and so focused on making my stupid body do what it's supposed to, that the idea that this could possibly culminate in raising a child seems absurd and abstract and irrelevant. I worry sometimes that I keep trying because I've got something to prove.

Potatoes - so glad you're doing well!

Bip and frac - I'm DEFINATELY in that mentality of "battle winning" I think it just creeps up on you. I'm so competitive that I know I'm just going to push and push to "prove" I can do it. It's quite worrying..

I have my first appointment with my consultant today. I think I've officially lost it because I'm currently stood infront of my wardrobe picking out an outfit that says " professional and not going to fuck a future child up" so she doesn't see my age and think " playing at mummies and daddies" plus I have my fancy new diary ready for stats and facts, but I think that's just the lawyer in me!

Fully aware I'm officially unhinged for this! polishes badge

Period started today, which is good because it means I can now start it all over again! Didn't get upset so at least I'm numb again.

Completely get it re winning the battle rather than desperately wanting a child. Of course it's both. But I don't even think about a baby or a child anymore. When I think about the future, I only see the bitter, childless version. any baby/child fantasies I've ever harboured have just ebbed away. I have started to think about the future in terms of once all this is over (and I'm childless) I will [insert childless whatever]. Oh god why'sit so FUCKING shiiiiiit?!

Oh Icy. I'm so sorry. Numbness is at least a relief from the awful hope. But no way to live.

I know what you mean re: only seeing the future in childless terms. We're going to travel around the world, then move to the countryside & get a dog. Further down the line I plan to go mad with plastic surgery in a way that makes everyone around me uncomfortable. Then off to Dignitas because I'll have spent all my pension money on IVF and facelifts and won't be able to afford to live past 67.

That's the dream, anyway.

Biscuits Good luck for today! What outfit did you decide on?

Bip a nose job is on the list too! I'll probably crash diet for a few months and get extremely skinny as a way of punishing my body. Quit job, obviously, won't need to earn money for anything. Get a puppy.

My other idea is to become a snake oil infertility merchant of some sort. Take on the "oh it's been 3 months" brigade and rinse them for cash. will of course refund anyone who's actually fucked.

Currently sitting on stationary m25. Ugh! Desperate to pee.

My acupuncturist has nicked your post-infertility plans. Asked her the other day what led her to train as an acupuncturist. She said, 'I had acupuncture for infertility & got interested in it'. She has no children. I'm such a mug that I keep going anyway.

I always felt with the woo needles that she just shoved them in randomly, went outside to laugh for 25 mins, composed herself and came back in. Definitely the way to go. £55 an hour, probably about £30 after renting a room at the back of some overpriced health shop. Still. Money for jam.

Mine left a needle in, once, by accident - stuck right in the top of my head. I had no idea & walked around half the day with a mad lone deely-bopper bobbing around from my scalp, looking like some sort of sci fi lunatic.

Fractious I hear you on winning the lottery. I wildly overestimate how much ££ not having kids will 'save' us. Love the van of dogs idea! Harder with cats. Saw a couple once hiking around Exmoor with their 22-year-old cat in a Baby Bjorn. Can't see y cats going for that at all.

Glad to hear things are going well Potatoes, and good luck with your downregging, Fractious.

Bip and Icy, I’m totally with you on ‘picturing a childless future’ thing. I feel like I’m letting go of the mental image of what our children would look like and subconsciously forming plans for travel, flash cars, buying inappropriate gifts for godchildren and maintaining an acceptable level of drunkenness at family functions, etc, for the rest of my life. I’m slowly isolating myself from a lot of my friends; particularly a big group of (extremely fertile) friends who want to organise a big meet-up this summer. Quite frankly I can’t think of anything I’d rather not do, especially now three-quarters of them are either knocked up or have kids.

On another note, did anyone watch Location Location Location last night? Another classic example of how women are considered worthless if they don’t have children (sorry, rant alert but I’ve been noticing this more and more and it’s really bugging me at the moment).

Phil Spencer was showing a London flat to an attractive, successful, single woman in her 30s (guessing). Kirsty bundles in and INSISTS he asks her if she’s planning on having children at any point, as she’ll need to consider the size of the second bedroom. Cue Phil looking bemused and saying it’s not really any of their business, it’s not been discussed, etc. and Kirsty going on and on about how he HAS to ask, and you don’t need a man for a baby, he’s a wimp, etc.

It really made me cross – did the two male hipster househunters on the same episode get asked if they were planning on becoming Dads in the future? Of course they didn’t. It just makes me mad that a woman in a great job who’s saved enough money to buy a £450k flat on her own is STILL reduced to ‘Oh but are you going to have children at some point?’

Kirsty Allsop have been widely quoted on how women should have children early and as many as they can (and tbf I know the crux of her argument was that it’s getting harder for some women as they leave it so late), but I really resent this whole ‘I never knew real love until I became a mother’ shite that I see spouted online. Not all of us get to join that magical special club you’re all going on about, so pipe the fuck down.

Rant over (sorry!)

Kirsty Allsop is a dick.

Had a weird time at the consultants today. After two GP's and all the people who did my investigative scans and bloods etc telling us that Ivf was the only way forward, today they've told us that my bloods from ten months ago indicated that I did ovulate. So we've left with absolutely no treatment plan apart from to lose 10% of my body weight (even though my BMI is 23) and to wait eight weeks for an hsg scan appointment, to see if it's just PCOS or if there's anything underlying down in there.

One hormone should be around 5 point something but was 23.3 and another was 2.7 but should normally be one- something or other.

So I'm really confused, and feel a bit shafted to be honest. I have no idea where we now stand! And their parting words were "maybe when you come back in eight weeks you'll be pregnant" maybe you should shut up doctor..

Any advice/ideas?

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your lovely good wishes. It still all feels a bit unreal. Like it's out of my hands until the horrid test day when reality will come crashing back in. I've already planned what dates I can do the next cycle to give me something to focus on if it's negative.

I totally have no-kid plans. I think the only thing any of my friends envy is that we have the time and money to go on holiday which we do, a lot. I'll switch jobs to a different bit of my org that involves lots of exotic travel that you can't do if you're trying to get knocked up or have kids. And we'll either live abroad for a bit, or permanently, or travel shit loads. I'll get a moderately sized house that will be immaculate. And I'll be amazingly fit.

Ok so I wandered off into fantasy a bit at the end there.

biscuits how was the appointment?

angelica I hate KA for that reason and I think that is shitty behaviour from her. I would have been so angry to watch that!

Sorry cross post biscuits

"Maybe when you come back you'll be pregnant" is just the shittest thing to say.

That is bad re: the conflicting advice.

I'm not a great expert so I can't advise however I would say two things: 1. I ovulate but I still need ivf because after 3 yrs I'm not pregnant, theyjust don't know why but 2. Having the ink thing (hifosy, hsg or whatever, there'll all similar) is a standard part of pre ivf investigations to check tubes. It can even help if a narrow or blocked tube is the issue. So I would say you should do that. But it might be worth seeing if you can find other ppl with a gp they would recommend to help you through the test stage as the support you've had so far is poor.

Sorry I can't be more help. Hopefully someone else will know more than me!

Biscuit I have pcos. To be pcos you need 2 of the 3 symptoms: present with side effects of pcos (overweight, acne, thinning hair, hairy face/arms/etc), irregular periods and an ultrasound to show multiple follicles growing on your ovaries. An HSG doesn't answer any of those queries. You are being fobbed off, IMO.

I don't know your financial circumstances, but I would find a clinic and get the dildocam up there for a scan of ovaries (shouldn't be more than £100) to check for multiple follicles. On the weight thing - my bmi is sub 20 and I've got pcos so weight isn't an indicator. However even a slight increased weigh gain can apparently make a difference.

I would go back to doc and demand a glucose tolerance test. Pcos is thought to be linked to insulin resistance. My GTT cost hundred of pounds, so tell your doc you suspect type 2 diabetes or something and demand one. Just lie, it's not worth your time educating some doctor who's not interested.

You need to fully understand whether you've got pcos first. It may will be that you're going to need IVF, but in Essential Fertility, Robert Winston is all about diagnosing the cause & therefore eliminating the infertility rather than just treating the symptom (not being pregnant).

Even though I'm still a million miles from pregnancy I think I'm glad I've done it this one step at a time approach - cause when IF IVF doesn't work for me I'll know I did everything right which should help with the grieving.