The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

How old are you Icy? I'll vouch for you with the berries.

I bloody love this thread throws glittery dog shit and runs off to lurk again two years in and no optimism here.

Ugh, Icy, how awful to have that sort of timeline on it. When does your IVF referral come through? Well done on cooking w/o grog! I know it's hard.

Chocolate pregnant consultant sounds hideous. Do you suppose they get each other up the duff with injectables & donor sperm on their tea breaks? Like hairdressers do each other's hair during slow times at the salon?

My IVF consultant looks just like a despised ex boyfriend from years ago. He's not looked up my foof yet but I'm sure I will need sedation for when he does. If he ever does. They've delayed my cycle by a month, the fuckers. For no good reason except they're overbooked. I hate them.

I'm ignoring a friend of mine who's been in touch, just on the off-chance she's trying to tell me she's pg. Even though I know she's in a miserable sexless marriage. Can't risk that they might have decided to have a baby to save the relationship. Some people I just won't be able to see until we're all safely past menopause.

Had a bit of a sour night out w/ our remaining childless friends - one is single & wants to meet someone; one is in relationship & wants to get married; and then there's us. You'd think we could all empathise with each other but somehow there was this horrible hierarchy where DH and I were at the top - 'at least you're married', 'at least you have someone', etc, where it seemed greedy of us to want a baby as well.

So glad I can be bitter & self-pitying here!

Welcome Sesame and BlackCat!

I just saw this pic on fbook. If I ever get a baby this is the only kind of newborn pic I will even consider posting!

I posted that picture. Everyone knows I've had IVF and I don't mind reminding people what a fucker it is. I didn't even get a baby at the end of it.

BipBipidotta you sound like me sometimes you just know when a pregnancy announcement is looming I have a horrible cousin who seems to specialise in dropping announcements usually when I have got AF and feeling barren as fuck . Her last one was just before Christmas the one before that was at her wedding and one before that they announced on Facebook but made a special point of telling everyone the sex of their first child at their engagement party . Honestly think she has delusions of being Katie Price or something . I'm sorry of in limbo the now as the hospital want me to have four months from the polypectomy D and C before I go back . Have any of you had a polyp removal I feel mine was a complete waste of time as periods seem to be just as heavy and long as before .

I never had any symptoms of mine other than pelvic pain which is still there mind you got a cyst which has been there a while not sure if it's causing the pain . Wish they'd took it out while they were in there .

Bip "Do you suppose they get each other up the duff with injectables & donor sperm on their tea breaks? Like hairdressers do each other's hair during slow times at the salon?"
Cracking up ;-)

Am 27. Oh 47. Own fault for choosing older man I suppose. Have 2 stepdaughters, which is equally blessing/curse. Referral should've gone last week anticipate getting appt in March with it all falling in quite quickly after.

I hear you on keeping the preggo staff to the back office icy.

big fc staff getting each other diffed in their tea breaks . I do believe that's an actual thing.

sammy That photo reminds me of the myth that ivf = baby. When I first saw it I gave it a good scan to see if I could spot any of the makes of pre-filled syringe.

pip One of the countless people who's looked up my foof turned up in my yoga class. Every time I see her there she calls me by my Sunday name and reminds me that despite 2 years of 'treatment', I'm still barren.

chocolate I had a polyp removal. Did no good (sorry!). I didn't even know I had one, no symptoms. After they found it on the scan they rushed me in within five days to have it removed under general, I thought bloody hell it must be really serious, then.......

Nothing!

and here I am 18 months later and still not pregnant!

bip I love the idea of ivf consultangs getting each other up the duff in their breaks. Thanks for that - I have to see one on Tuesday and will now be trying not to laugh in her face!

Also, yes, the hierarchy of shit. Am I better or worse off than a single friend with no partner who wants kids, a cousin who has just got divorced at 35 while childless and fears she won't find someone in time, a friend who got pregnant quickly but had a miscarriage although is likely to get pregnant quickly again, the work colleague whose baby died from a rare genetic condition the same day it was born... Urgh. It's all hard. But better to save the bitterness for this thread ;-)

Also, the progesterone pessaries and making me very bloated and flatulant, which is obviously fun for me and those around me. It keeps on getting better!

Potatoes is your ET Tuesday? Or have you already done it?

Period due and am constipated and windy. Did a particularly horrendous fart whilst shopping. Shamelessly kept on browsing the rails.

I think part of what makes old people untouchable in their views/behaviours is their total inability to give a fuck. And maybe part of that is bitterness that life is behind them. being a bitter barren has an upside!

Bip - ET is Tuesday. Bit worried about how much it hurts. Putting that out of my mind for the moment!

Icy - my DH seems to think his part is done now he's delivered his contribution and today he kept patting my bum as though I am sexy and not inflated, sore and smelly. Every pat lead to a little parp. The glamour.

Fractious - I know what you mean!
DH came home from a night out a couple of weeks ago and told me that one couple from our friendship group are ttc. They've been trying for 2 months, and the girl is really upset that it hasn't happened! 2 months! Seriously.

I don't even think I'm going to ov this cycle, cd14 and the almost positive opks of a few days ago have disappeared and my temp hasn't gone up. That's bound to mess with the timings of our pencilled in end of February IVF. And we've booked a holiday second week of feb.

I'll join in with the grumpiness of today if that's ok?

Potatoes - is this your first ET? (Sorry, still trying to get to grips with everyone's backgrounds). I didn't find ET too bad, uncomfortable but not painful. No where near as bad as hycosy. And easier to deal with as I knew it was possible it could lead to a baby. Xx

Hi ladies. Nice to see we are all still throwing shitty glitter around
Icy well done on the dry Jan, your doing great because it sounds like you could do with a x
Chocolate your so called friend should think before she speaks. Hope she didn't upset you too much.
Pip you sound very similar to me my AMH was in the 90s! But my blocked tubes are stopping any eggs getting anywhere useful.
Does AMH really matter anyway?
Hello to everyone else, seems where all feeling a bit shitty and in need of a good rant!
AFM I have a date for my tubal removal next month!!! Fucking shitting my self! I know they need to go, to give IVF the best chance but what if I wake up and it's all gone wrong!! Keep imaging the worst and it makes me want to vomit! Also have my IVF appt. the week after the surgery so at least I don't have to wait too long for that! Really really scared now and just hoping it goes well and we can hopefully start IVF in a few months.
Have a good week ladies, I have the Sunday blues as well as the fertility blues

pebbles your pending surgery sounds scary.. Hope all goes well!
I try not to talk too much about my situation with friends/colleagues as I get 'told off' for being so negative for daring to say I'm fed up and feeling desperate.. the default advice is that I can always adopt. Which OBVIOUSLY I am well aware of and perhaps many many years down the line we may consider it but right now, I can't give up the need for my own baby.
Currently waiting for my period to start.. Wish it would hurry up and arrive so I can get my last NHS freebie before throwing money at greedy doctors who sniff out desperation! I was nervous about going to a private clinic and starting the process over again but I will now just picture all those doctors and nurses on their lunch breaks in their kinky nursey uniforms syringing each other with super sperm whilst eating their ham salad sarnies

When I was pregnant, for the one and only time, last year there were 6 other people in my department who were pregnant at the same time or their partners were. One had a baby due two days before mine. I lost my baby at 13 weeks.
But after all that, (one of the other women sadly lost her baby too) there was still one fucking women who bleated on that she found it too stressful to be around all these pregnant women as she had been trying for 6 months. I didn't hit her.

Ivy, I'll pop over to the Berries and introduce you.

Icy, not Ivy.

Potatoes - best of luck for Tuesday! Your sexy farts have made me laugh!

Frac- the two month whingers are the worst :( try over TWO YEARS then complain "Huns"

Pip - that's bloody horrendous. Well done for your self restraint.

Karla- I understand what you mean by being told off by friends, as if I should just be GRATEFUL for any scrap the NHS is going to throw to me. And if one more person dares to say "oh you should just adopt!" I'm actually going to punch them in the ovaries. This is my life not a revival of Annie the musical!

Sammy - I hope everything works out in time for February. As if our bodies aren't fucking us about enough!

Icy- were the same age and never would I have thought in a million years I'd have all this shit to deal with at this age. It doesn't help that my husband has "super sperm" as our GP described it, so I feel even more shit that it's all my failings! I'm fed up of being told "oh you're so young there's plenty of time for it to work for you" by absolute upduffed stupid bellends. Plenty of time to watch the years go by bitterly and childlessly more like.

God I'm a barrel of laughs tonight.

Do you mind me asking where everyone is based? We're in South Wales and the waiting times are RIDICULOUS. we have our first appointment this week after ten months of waiting for a referral and I just know it's going to be pointless as they're going to want to do all their tests again because of the time that's passed! Any one got any experience of private fertility clinics in my neck of the woods?

I'm based in Nottingham. To be fair the NHS clinic here is quite quick with treatment.. But also strict with their criteria!
Planning on using NURTURE clinic for our private treatment..