The mind numbing boredom of infertility

[icy121]

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Thanks Icy121 I have been reading a bit of Robert Winstons stuff as was quite interested he recommended IUI instead of IVF its just shite ! Feel like even getting the polyp removed was a battle had to wait 18 months till they finally removed it . My OH is still in the ' it will happen when it happens' frame of mind which is just no support at all. Only other person I know I can talk to is my cousins wife as he had cancer as a child and they would only be able to conceive via a donor . All other family and friends seem fertile as fuck horrible got a cousin who's popped out 3 kids in 3 years and had the cheek to ask me if I knew when I ovulated ! Just pissed off with it all .i loved your comments on the beginning of this thread with the replies you'd give to people who make stupid comments about infertility have me a right giggle.

Karlafox It doesn't feel like 6 years because usually I am quite an optimistic person but getting that low AMH result just depressed me so much though I know theres a bit of debate on how reliable that test is. I have the worst PMT today thanks for letting me vent I love this thread

I was told my AMH was less than 4- they couldn't tell me the exact result as the hospital I go to don't have the facility to do that.. I didn't even know what an AMH was but by the look of the nurses face it wasn't good.. They skirted around the whole subject so I went home and googled it instead and that tipped me over the edge as I couldn't understand that if I ovulate every month, what's so wrong?!
In 1 way, I look forward to going to the private clinic as they may give me more detail and spend more time explaining things! And i can spend less time on the internet scaring myself witless.. Well that's the plan!

My AMH was 60. Fucking 60! If my Fallopian tubes weren't blocked I'd be popping out babies left, right and centre.

Karla IME private doctors are just as quick to smack you down for asking questions as NHS ones. But at least you can get shirty with them rather than having to be grateful they're seeing you at all! And getting shirty has its pleasures.

Pip 60!! That is some serious AMH. I'd almost be scared to unblock those tubes in case an egg avalanche ensued.

Chocolate - welcome! 6 years - ugh. So sorry your DH isn't more supportive. 'It'll happen when it happens' is the most irritating sentence in the world. That and 'it's just not meant to be'. And 'it is what it is'. Actually, it's amazing how many wanky ways there are to say essentially nothing. Ugh!

'Well done you for persevering' - it's amazing that that's all it takes to empathise with someone, and nobody can fucking do it! Except Karla's friend.

Karlafox I didn't even get told the exact number off my consultant she wrote to me saying it was ' a fraction on the low side' it was her secretary who told me the exact number wish I had never asked! It's bad enough knowing somethings up never mind feelings like you are on a timer to fix it ! It's weird the NHS tested mine as I gather they dont do that in every area?

Thanks Bip Bipidotta . Worst thing I have heard from a 'friend' after she texted me to say she was pregnant with number 2 was ' take it you guys have just gave up then ' that was followed by me hiding her on Facebook and ignoring any more texts . People are so fucking insensitive about it go told today I was too young to be worrying about infertility .

Pip can you have an op to clear the tubes out?

Had Icy, didn't work and creates the further problem that if one does sneak through there is a danger of ectopic pregnancy.

Chocolate - your friend was a total dick for saying that!! I'm worried that I'm going to be fobbed off by my consultant because of my age.. Any questions or advice? How much information/ far in advance treatment ideas can I ask for from them?

Icy do you mind me asking the name of that Robert winston book please?

Anyone else having a totally self pitying fuck the world day today? Two weeks late period (nice one PCOS) and another negative test. You'd think I'd stop letting myself get hopeful after over two years of trying but no, same thing everytime.
I've bought a fitness DVD and thrown all the junk food out so going to attempt to force my body into good health!

I too am awaiting the arrival of AF and had a sleepless night last night. I made the mistake of googling stuff and basically boils down to me being forever barren! Well that's my diagnosis anyway... So will join you on the feeling sorry for self day thanks!

Same here I have terrible cramp and toothache and we have really bad snow here so sitting watching telly and eating rubbish .Biscuits I still feel like I am getting fobbed off by consultants sometimes wish I had someone with me to ask questions etc. I have came away from every appointment with more questions than answers and ironically my consultant is now on mat leave

Hi all, welcome chocolate. So your Consultant is on mat leave? Well isn't that just the crowning turd in the water pipe. So for months she was seeing patients suffering from infertility while preggers and now she's off with her sprog? The universe really, really, really doesn't give a shit. Urgh.

Biscuits - I hear you on the hope thing. Even when you've given up, you really know it's impossible and you really don't want to care, somehow there's still this flicker of hope and it is utterly crushing when it is extinguished. Why why why? Sometimes I really want to not care and to not hope, for the sake of my mental health!

^^ that. Exactly that. I had pretty much lost all hope til the lap and drilling turned it back on. Was even more upset then when I continued to be, obviously, barren.

Is it bad yes I'm glad that so far on this board there hasn't been a sniff of a bfp. Not even a little one. Not even a cp. - that's not a "if you have the audacity to get knocked up fuck the fuck off and don't darken this door again" - anyone in the infertile section of this place I can feel happy for, but just remembering back to when I was naive and hopeful the amount of "yay congrats hope it's a sticky bean" (UGH! TWEE BOLLOCKS) relief not to be surrounded by it here

I looked over on the conception board and it seems everyone there is finding trying for three months hard and I'm glad this thread exists like you icy because I feel too cynical and tired of it all to want to go on those boards

"Sticky bean" makes me throw up in my mouth 😷

I never thought about fertility doctors getting pregnant before, I'm not sure I could handle seeing a bump every time I went for an appointment! Thank god my consultant is male.

Yes the LAST thing you want is somebody pregnant telling you how to get pregnant.
Fuck. Off.

Have I mentioned the Berries to you guys before.
They are all ladies over 30 who are trying for their first. Most are under some kind of fertility treatments.

Is that another thread on the infertility board? Xx

Hello I'm a barren lurker, much as I'd love to join you in lobbing glittery dog shit at preggos , I usually post on the berries thread over in conception. As pip says we're all over 30, ttc no.1 for over 12 months. Feel free to drop in and say hi.

Oh and I wanted to add that on my second ivf, my embryologist was pg, ready to pop and 2 weeks away from mat leave. So that was nice...

Fuck that! Fertility clinics have a duty to get noticably pregnant staff doing back room admin. A sodding duty.

I find all the photos of the clinics successes on the wall of the waiting room gut wrenching enough. Yes - they're all IVF babies, but right now that's not a given for me. Have a separate shrine to your success that the IVF lottery winners can visit. Leave the rest of us be.

Oh I'm happy for a change

Dry jan going well. Managed to get through cooking 2 meals today sans grog (cooking is my trigger. I'm happy with tea for everything else, but standing in kitchen with wine in hand is 'my' thing) so well done me.

Also, randomly, I bought a DIY chemical peel online. Bit stingy. Here's to 2016 vanity.

I'll never be an elderberry - by the time I get to 30 my OH will be 50 and we'll have retired from the game. The thought makes me feel frightened and sick and very small.

~waves at sesame~.

Really, do join the Berries, they are just brilliant.

My clinic was very good at keeping the baby pictures hidden away.

I met with a group of friends the other day and one who I don't know so well was rather pg. I mentioned in our conversation about my IVF (everyone else knew). She said that her pg was the result of IVF but she had to go miles to a clinic as she taught the children of two of the consultants and the near one. She couldn't stand the thought of people she knew looking up her foof.