Anyone starting IVF soon? Join me (2)

[purplemeggie]

I see we've filled up the thread and thought I'd better start another one. How's everyone doing?

I have decided that donor egg is not for me and I will look into foster care if I feel I am done with IVF at some point. But I am so happy for you Purple that you are comfortable with it and feeling optimistic about your chance to complete your family. I am planning on trying IVF again one last time with my cycle which will start mid March so it sounds like I won't be far behind you in our IVF cycles - only I like your odds a lot better!

blue, I haven't heard of ERA. At work now but will have a look at your link later. Probably not necessary for me as my issue seems to be different to yours, but something to research and ponder while I fill in my time to mid March! I forgot about your fibroid that you had removed before your first cycle. Is that still a possibility for your implantation issues even after it has been removed?

Ow gawd. I'm having another one or my low days today. My friend came round and showed me her 3 month scan photos and I'm so genuinely happy for her, I've been giving her advice and she got pregnant after only 3 months (she's 36) and I didn't get upset at by the beautiful perfect photo but then she started on at me to lose weight because she wants so much for me to be pregnant at the same time as her. She was on about how I need to do more exercise because that's been proven to be a huge factor in fertility etc and I'm so deeply ashamed of myself for putting on weight I feel like such a failure. I can't even lose 2 stone for something as important as this. My consultant also told me to lose weight and I didn't.,It's just that I've been so down and sad I've been hiding away at home for 2 years and have it in my head that once I get pregnant I'll be out there again doing the things I used to and be the happy sociable person I was. I just don't have the confidence I used to. I've been at rock bottom and find little things so hard. I have no doubt the hormones have made me gain weight over the last 2.5 years and at 41 it's difficult to shift. Sounds like pathetic excuses.. Ive been better lately and enjoying my job more, doing yoga, making plans for holidays etc but I'm deeply hurt by this inability to get pregnant and struggle to get through the day sometimes.

I know I can't go on like this so I'm going to stop ttc this summer and go on the pill, build my self esteem up again and get on with life.

We are looking at adoption which I'll start in the summer after finishing treatment. DH will not do donor eggs and I accept that.

Purple I feel so excited for you and feel that this will work as the chances are so much better with donor eggs at our age. I remember you saying to me before that acceptance is fickle and you're so right. I can go for weeks feeling so steady and in control, accepting what life has dealt me and then I'm blind-sided by a scan photo / feelings of shame that I didn't have it in me to lose weight.

Of course I'm also feeling the immense pressure of having my one and only frozen embryo transferred in two weeks and facing the very real possibility that I'll come out of this with nothing.

Feel better already just by getting all that out. Sorry for the downer! Xx

Sending you the biggest of hugs, Annie - this is such a hard thing to have to do, isn't it? And I know what you mean....I'm carrying some extra weight that I know I need to shift and it IS hard when you're 41. (I'm still adamantly 41, even though I'll be 42 in 3 weeks time ). For me, that's another of the bonuses of DE - I know I've got a couple of months to shift some weight and I'm challenging myself to get a stone off...if I'm outsourcing the egg-making bit, I've got to make myself do something!

And I completely relate to the mixed feelings of other people's pregnancies - you can be happy for them and grieving for yourself at the same time. I'm a bit cross with your friend though, for putting pressure/guilt on you, when you're doing your best to be pregnant and I'm sure that being pregnant together is exactly what you want, too.

I so want that frosty to work out for you, lovely girl xxx

Thank you so much purple, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply as i know you understand and you say it so well.

My friend was mortified that I was upset. I broke down. She is a lovely kind friend and she absolutely loves me. She just happens to be a dietitian so it's what she does and she means well because she desperately wants me to be happy. If she was a vicar she'd have been trying to get me to pray. Anything to fix this.

Out sourcing . It is good not to have the pressure of growing eggs.

Got to work on building my strength of mind and that starts with walking, every day on the beach. Got to get through this next month. I have a lot of good things in my life and need to remember that every day. I am capable of doing this!

All will be better in the morning.
Thank you xxxx

Annie I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down. IVF is a miserable business. The whole process makes you feel like a failure, so please don't be hard on yourself for 'failing' to lose weight. Losing weight is incredibly hard to do at the best of times, not least when you're pumping yourself full of hormones, avoiding strenuous exercise and chugging milk. I'm guessing you're within BMI range, right? That's all that matters. Don't heap extra pressure on yourself to lose weight on top of all the other stuff you're dealing with. YOU ARE TRYING YOUR BEST!!

Your friend had the best of intentions no doubt. I have noticed that pregnant friends are usually very keen to hand out free advice, so I try to mentally prepare myself when I meet them. I usually hear 'you need to stop working so hard then you'll get pregnant', 'you travel too much and work long hours, that's why you're not getting pregnant', and 'you just need to go on holiday and relax, then it will happen'. Not a million miles from 'lose weight', and it makes me feel guilty and....yep, like a failure. If there is one thing I have learned from this whole sorry process it's that when and if I am ever pregnant, I will never dole out unrequested fertility advice to my non-pregnant friends!

So Annie my dear, I think we all sympathise. I really do hope this FET works out for you. If it doesn't, please know that it has nothing to do with your weight loss efforts or lack thereof. You really have no control over the outcome, all you can do is hope for the best. In the meantime we are all here for you x

Oh thank you blue, you are all so lovely and caring and it's so kind of you to help me when you're going through all this yourselves.

I am ashamed to say I am now beyond the healthy weight range and pretty far into the overweight range. I need to lose almost 2 stone to get down to a BMI of 30. I'm utterly ashamed because I know all of this, I knew I was putting on weight, I know it's a factor in infertility, I was told to lose weight by my ob/gyn and my ivf consultant, I work in health and have professionals around me who could help, i have friends who offered to take me to the gym, but I didn't do it. I did lose half a stone in the run up to EC when I was on the pill and felt so normal and balanced and full of energy but I put that back on when the ivf didn't work.

This all probably sounds like excuses. It may have happened because I don't believe that losing weight would make any difference to me. But then I do believe it's been proven by science and I do believe my consultants.. . I just know / believe that my problem is the chromosomes not matching at conception because they have already started to decay too much due to my 41.5 years. I've been pregnant twice in last 2 years. It's my age, my eggs are past it and there is nothing that can fix that.

My only hope is that there are a few random normal eggs in there amidst all the abnormal ones and that my little frozen embryo was one of them.

I am trying to lose weight though. I eat healthily and rarely drink alcohol now. It's just that I have become inactive and changed jobs to a completely inactive job. My lovely friend did say "you used to be slim" today. And I did! I can do it!!!
Xxx

Annie - try to stay positive. You managed to make a frosty so you know you're capable of producing decent embryos. This could be the one.

Regarding your weight, you can only try your best. Don't beat yourself up about it - get ready for the transfer by continuing to eat healthily, move as much as you can (doesn't have to be the gym, long walks work just as well!), and try to think positive. I am not very good at 'thinking positive' but I'm going to give it my best shot this time around....negative thoughts create stress hormones and anxiety. You might not lose 2 stone but you will have done what you can. Great to hear you are doing yoga, it really helps me mentally and physically.

Shellster is your appointment coming up this week?

Annie - I'm over the healthy range too...and my BMI took a battering during last year's fertility investigations, when I discovered I'm actually 2cm shorter than I've always thought! Food is so tangled up with our emotions and we are used to eating naughty treats to make us feel better - right from being tiny and being given a sweet to take our mind off a scraped knee/injection - it's so often the times that we're struggling with negative emotions that we comfort ourselves with food.
Walking sounds like a really good idea - not just for exercise, but for your happiness and mental well-being. Have you come across this book? I found it really helpful. And yy to yoga....absolute life-saver .
Hello Blue and Shellster xxx

Oh dear ladies I was so upset yesterday and feel a bit daft today. I think the beautiful perfect scan photo maaay the trigger there .

Purple that's so funny you realised you're 2cm shorter than you always thought you were - what a bummer!!! Thank you for the book recommendation I'll have a read.

Thanks Blue, you're so right we can only do our best. Went for a lovely long walk again today and felt so much better.

Onwards and upwards! xxx

*may have been

Annie I think it's healthy to vent in those circumstances - how could you not be upset and frustrated? Although your friend is a little tactless, she must be a good friend indeed to say those things to you and not repeat the usual meaningless platitudes. Have you had any counselling for infertility at all? I found it fairly helpful when I was in the throes of miscarriage and infertility hell. I also found writing three good things down each day - basically trying to thing of three nice/positive things that had happened each day. It helped sometimes. Big hug to you, this process is so destroying some days.

Purple that sounds really positive. Glad things are moving along for you!

I've got another appointment at our clinic tomorrow for detailed planning but I was looking at my drugs schedule and it has two lots of down regging on it. One week of Norethisterone on CD21 both Feb and March; starting stims after the March downreg. I queried this and they said it was due to lack of theatre space in Feb. But why take two lots of downreg? That sounds like an extremely bad idea for someone who is already a poor responder. I don't want to do it (unless they can convince me a very good reason why). I feel like I am being kept on "standby" in case they get a cancellation in Feb so they can fill the theatre slot.

Purple that book looks interesting, i might order it for my kindle. Quite funny that you are 2cm shorter than you thought....I always think I'm about 5 ft 6 (wishful thinking) when I know perfectly well that I'm 5 ft 4, so I do sympathise! :)

Chin up Annie, like Sunrise says, it sometimes helps to remind yourself of a few good things every day. When I'm mid-moan about some IVF related matter to my mum she often points out that it could be worse - at least I've got a lovely husband, a good job and family/friends who love me. Hard to stay relentlessly positive ALL the time though so feel free to have a vent on here!

Sunrise - the double downregging thing sounds weird, I would definitely query that. Why not just do one month of downregging like everyone else? Unless there's an advantage to 2 months of suppression (I haven't heard of that, but someone else may know more)

Second, that really does sound as though there is no other reason for it other than for you to be a 'fill-in' in case of a cancellation. I too am a poor responder and have also read that our ovaries don't bounce back as well after being overly suppressed. So I'm glad you're on top of the research and taking a stand to do what's best for your outcome rather than the clinics. Do you have another appt booked when you can tell them you don't want to do it, or be informed of some convincing medical reason rather than being on stand by?

Annie, I really feel for you. It's weird how self punishing we are. Here I am hating myself for eating badly after my last failed IVF, for having weighed myself and put on a few kilos yet still not be able to get back on track, for knowing eating my high protein low carb diet will up my chances next IVF yet still not be able to do it. I read your story and my heart just aches. I know how painful this all is and how impossible it is to be motivated to eat healthy and exercise when all you have received for your efforts is heartache. I want to tell you that you have to be kind to yourself, that you have endured so much and are so strong. I then realise that your story mimics mine of infertility and failed IVF, yet I can't apply the same to myself and still am ashamed of myself for being weak and not being able to do a simple thing of eating healthy. Perhaps we need to change this thread's tune to a health kick one instead. You me and Purple need to challenge eachother to walk each day for one week, or to lose just one kilo this week?

Yep blue, my appt is this Friday 30th. I got my day 2 blood results back. I don't require DHEA according to the results so I'm staying off it. My FSH was 11 IU/L. Eek. That sounds a bit high. I first got it tested Jan 2013 and it was 4. What two years of ageing does!

Does anyone know what the day 2/3 LH result means? I know that your FSH should be nice and low to indicate good ovarian reserve, and that your FSH/LH ratio should be close to 1:1, but I don't know why? My FSH was 11 yet my LH was 3.

Good luck with your appointment, Sunrise - don't let them stick you on the backup list!
Shellster - what a lovely idea...I'm all for challenges, and if there's anywhere we can have a non-judgemental, supportive weight loss challenge it's here! Don't know about the hormone levels, I'm afraid.

Hi Shellster - I'm afraid I have no idea what your blood results mean! I would need to consult Dr Google. I think an FSH of 11 is ok though, so don't worry about that. Apparently FSH and AMH levels change quite regularly - my clinic warned me not to get into a flap about the numbers (although I did of course...I seem to get into a flap about everything IVF related).

I don't need to lose weight but I'm happy to be official group cheerleader! I think a bit of weight loss motivation will do us all good. Is everyone on CoQ10? I'm loving it - I'm taking 600mg a day (split into 2 doses) and I feel great - full of energy. I'm assuming it's the CoQ10 because aside from that I'm only on multivitamins, omega 3 and L-Arginine. My workouts, runs and yoga sessions are definitely benefiting from the energy boost, I'm even walking faster to work. I wonder if I'm addicted?! Anyway, if you're not on it, give it a whirl.

Actually, a quick google consult confirmed that CoQ10 may help with fat burning/weight loss. Makes sense to me as I've definitely seen a difference in the 2-3 months I've been taking it, particularly in muscle definition. Sounds bonkers I know... it's no substitute for eat less/move more but I think it's one of the only positive things to have emerged from my miserable IVF treatment!
[[http://blog.perriconemd.com/what-is-coq10 here's some info]]

I did consult Dr Google and FSH of 11 was not great but not bad. Just not sure why I always read FSH / LH ratio should be close to 1:1 and mine is 11:3. It's on the list of questions for my Dr appt this Fri.

Wow blue, you are putting me to shame with your workouts, runs, yoga, walking to work and muscle definition! I used to be so much more motivated but really notice how I just have no energy now. I come home from work and am physically exhausted. I am sure it is from this infertility journey. I find it hard to cook dinner and wash dishes let alone then go for a jog. Today I told myself I will exercise for 2 minutes every 1/2 hour at work. I get up and jog on spot, or do squats etc.

Glad to hear the CoQ10 is giving you noticable benefits. Hopefully gives you confidence that it must be helping your eggs too! I haven't noticed any change but like I said, I think the emotional exhaustion of all this is the cause.

Hi Shellster, don't get me wrong, I'm not Elle McPherson! I've always exercised a lot so IVF hasn't really changed that. The CoQ10 is making me feel great though, which is good and weird all rolled into one. Hopefully it's doing something good down below, too.

I definitely hear you about the emotional exhaustion - it must be even tougher when you've got a child to look after. As women we put pressure on ourselves about everything and repeated IVF failure just amplifies that. The issue for me is work - I've got a really busy job that involves a lot of travel. I know I've got 3 work trips in the upcoming 2WW that I can't avoid. I feel horrendously guilty about it but aside from quitting my job (which isn't an option) I just don't know what else I can do. Trying to relax and 'stress less' just makes me stress more. All the exercise and CoQ10 in the world isn't going to help... I just need to figure out a way to separate work and life, and try not to let work pressure get to me. I do worry that it's affecting the IVF outcome.

Anyway ladies it seems like we all have our battles to fight. Shellster doing a small amount of exercise every day is achievable and realistic. You go girl!!

Sunrise what happened at your appointment? Any news?

Hello I'm in Edinburgh today, just had my appointment to check endometrium and consultant who is not my usual one said it was "absolutely beautiful"! She even did a "yes!" fist pump. It's just as well she's dealing with a compete cynic otherwise I'd be getting all excited by this. Good news though. Endo is 10.1mm so FET scheduled for Thursday next week. Heading to the airport now fingers crossed we're not snowbound. It's really snowy!

Continuing progynova and start cyclogest supps on Saturday x 2 a day.

Yes I think CQ10 gave me energy too and I felt it was good for metabolism. I ran out of tablets last week and need to order more.

Hope you got on well at appt Sunrise.

Blue, it's so hard getting through work and travel. I travel in uk a bit and while it is a pain I don't find it stressful. I find it hard to concentrate at work though sometimes and feel I'm not giving 100% because I have to prioritise IVF. I have an important meeting on Friday morning after Thursday's FET and it's too late to postpone so we just have to get on with it. It would be nice to feel in control of work/life balance but i feel like I'm getting away with it - just.

Thank you again for your lovely supportive messages. The emotional strain is the worst thing I've had to go through. The hormones can leave us very fragile. I must respond to this better when I get home xxx

Bah! I wrote a big message yesterday but it wouldn't post! Basically they ran through why there was two sets of downreg - it is to make sure the theatre scheduling works so I can have my slot for Egg Collection booked. they did say I could just do one lot of downreg but they wouldn't be able to do the egg collection booking so easily. I emphasised my worries about "switching me off" too much but the month rest in between each down reg, and only having Norethisterone for a week each time shouldn't have a lasting effet. Hmm. I guess I have to trust them on this. I feel they should be increasing their staff and theatre flexibility rather than programming people with drugs to suit them but that is the limitation of the clinic so I'll have to work with that.

Good news about your lining Annie! I agree about the emotional strain (and I'm not even taking anything yet). We have only the financial and emotional reserves to do this once, I can't hack this again on top of all our previous fetility/miscarriage history.

Annie the mini fist pump made me laugh! You can't get much better than that from a medical professional . Your lining sounds perfect, good for you. Hopefully this will give you a little optimism boost to get you through the next few days - lining is really important.

Sunrise, definitely sounds like one of those situations where you just have to put your faith in the clinic. Ultimately they want your cycle to be a success (for their stats!) so they won't do anything that might negatively affect the outcome. I can imagine the frustration though - the stress is bad enough without having to hear about theatre schedules and other administrative details. Which clinic are you using? Maybe fertility friends has a thread about it...it would be interesting to know if there are other women in your situation.

Any of you just catch the IVF programme on BBC2? Prob more relevant to me than to you ladies, because there was a donor element to all of them - it was either gay women or single women using donor sperm, but very good programme and quite emotional as a veteran IVFer watching it happening to them....

Yes I caught the end of it. It was good. The babies on it were very cute . The ladies seemed to be quite a bit over 40 from what I gathered. Would be good to see more IVF stories on TV.