Anyone starting IVF soon? Join me (2)

[purplemeggie]

I see we've filled up the thread and thought I'd better start another one. How's everyone doing?

No offence taken Annie. You are absolutely right. Sounds like Christmas is a tough time for many after going through IVF failure... that's why I am going on holiday tomorrow... just to avoid facing a pregnant in law at Christmas here. Now that IVF has failed, I wish I was putting the money towards another IVF. I really don't want to quit just yet. I will be 38 in July so just want to save hard now as my eggs are only going to go downhill.

As for doing all I could Blue, the one thing that went wrong last cycle was the trigger - again. When I pushed on the plunger to expel the air, I accidentally pushed too far and lost some of the medicine. Then after injecting, I was busy putting the needle and rubbish away, then looked down and saw lots of watery blood dripping from injection site - so I lost more trigger. Got blood test next day and my hCG was 160 when it should be around 330 after trigger. I had 7 mature follicles but because of this, I only got 3 mature eggs. Really annoyed that after all that preparation, I lost 4 eggs due to that. I could now be having a much cheaper FET cycle instead of having to save for months to do this all again.

Purple, you are right. This couldn't hurt any more and the emptiness is very real - DS or no DS. I just feel a bit guilty complaining on here that it hurts most for my son, when others are only dreaming of one, let alone then having to produce a sibling for them. Funny though, those on here going through this, children or not, are the most understanding.

Morning ladies, still no AF so I guess I'm still the game. However I'm so convinced this cycle hasn't worked that I'm already looking at donor egg clinics. I know it's bad and I should be feeling more hopeful, but the cramps are continuing and I just feel completely 'normal'. Almost caved in and peed on a stick earlier but didn't. I'm going to wait until Tuesday.

Shellster hopefully you can talk to the doctor about your trigger shot theory at your 'WTF meeting'. If you do another cycle perhaps you can go to the clinic for the trigger so you have peace of mind that it is done 'right'?

It's a normal coping strategy I think blue to be looking at a plan B so we don't fall to pieces if plan A fails. You're being very restrained with your testing.

I am not bothering with a WTF meeting just yet as I have to repay my credit card debt from this IVF and save again before I can do another cycle anyway. Hubby did trigger perfect first time and I got 5 mature eggs from 5 mature follicles. I have stuffed it up twice since as hubby was out. Next time I will make sure hubby is home! I found a much cheaper clinic not too far and am going to ring them tomorrow. The up side is that I will be able to afford IVF again sooner before my eggs go too much more down hill. The down side is they must be cheaper for a reason. My current clinic does calcium injection with the sperm into the egg which increases fert rate (important for when I only make a few eggs to begin with) and also does HA sperm selection (important to pick the best of the bunch when hubby has been diagnosed with dud sperm) and I don't think a cheap clinic will offer this. Will ring them tomorrow.

DH is convinced we can conceive again naturally but after 46 cycles of failure, I am not so convinced. As bizarre as this sounds, I am thinking of doing a home IUI this cycle. Even though hubby has dud sperm, I seem to make no fertile CM and so I wonder how much I am killing the sperm and contributing to the problem. I read that 99% of sperm is killed in vagina. If I can get more to where it has to go, surely that will up my odds from 0 to 1%. So I will have hubby deposit in a cup, then use a syringe and small catheter placed just into my cervix, and slowly squirt it in. Sounds bizarre I know. Because I can't afford IVF again for a while, I think I just need to try something new so I have a glimmer of hope instead of the emptiness I feel now.

Hi shellster interesting about your DIY IUI. I think this is a sensible Plan B. Everything that you need is available to you and making changes every time might just be the answer. Changing clinic is a good move.

I looked into General DIY AI this year, just as a "get there faster" remedy, this translates as using a loaded Softcup at the right time for up to 12 hours a day. It worked for others but not for me as I think it's my egg quality that's the prob.

My age is a big issue now at 41 so I have less choice. If January ET does not work then this is my strategy:

Plan B - try one more IVF fresh cycle at another clinic
Plan C - find somewhere to get Femera prescribed to boost ovulation and try naturally for another 8 months
Plan D - stop trying at be happy for all I have without having a child.

My DH has ruled out Egg donation which I'm ok with. I've ruled out adoption which he's ok with.

Have they looked into killer cells?
Have they looked into clotting?
Would you consider egg donation?
Are you showing signs of stress?
Are your friends concerned about you?

You are still relatively young (in my eyes!). Anyone who has been through IVF so many times will be feeling emotional stress. What can help you with (remember RALG?) time off work? More holidays?

I'm going to make 2015 the most relaxed year ever!

Hope you are RALGING the night away right now and having a wonderful holiday, let the happy times happen and enjoy your break. Merry Christmas Shellster you lovely lovely lady Xxxx

Thinking of you Blue, hope you get good news on Tues. X

Yes, when I had my scratch, they sent the product away for killer cell testing. All okay. Never looked into clotting but I have DS so I know that is not the issue. No, egg donation is not for me. Am I stressed? Well I just had my 9th IVF fail where I knew I was pregnant with my signs and symptoms and late period, but had an early miscarriage. I feel devastated and empty. I wasn't stressed about infertility when we first started trying and it didn't happen back then. Hubby had 98% abnormal sperm when he first got tested which has since gone to 100% and won't budge. So I can only assume my DS is one of the 2% before his sperm went from bad to worse. No amount of me RALG is going to fix that. Interesting he got his new job after DS which he hates. He whinges about it all the time and comes home depressed and zones out on the couch. They always talk about the woman needing to RALG, I wonder if the same applies to men and this is his sperm issue. He says he will look for a new job over Chrissy holidays and I hope it helps.

From a practical viewpoint, the diet and supplements I am doing seem to be working. My embryo quality was top notch this cycle and my embryo(s) did implant. Even at 37, I statistically have a good percentage of abnormal eggs so I can only assume this is the reason for the early miscarriage this IVF. If I can keep up the diet and supplements and repeat IVF and not stuff up the trigger so I get more eggs, surely 1/2 out of my 6 eggs will be genetically normal. If this were free, no problem. But the fact that I am in debt from this IVF and have to somehow come up with another deposit before my eggs go downhill is very stressful.

Anyway, off to get my silly blood test so the clinic can ring me this afternoon and rub it in my face that I am not pregnant!

I probably sound flippant about relaxing and letting go and the stress thing Shellster. Just to make it clear I don't believe that if you just relax you'll get pregnant. Been there, tried that.

The stress thing is v real to me right now as Im realising just how much I thought I was ok.

I went to the dentist on Tuesday and the first thing she asked was "are you stressed?". Apparently i've been grinding my teeth at night! I've never done this before. I was shocked and quite upset that my ivf stress is manifesting itself during the night in my unconscious mind and a dentist can diagnose me as stressed! And I've chipped a back tooth its so bad

I don't think there is enough research into male infertility and the impact of stress. My DH smokes (4 a day) and drinks every night (one or two). It must make a difference to their sperm quality and improve if they are active and healthy and unstressed. As long as he takes his vitamins I try not to go mad.

Great that the diet and supplements made a difference. I feel that too with the vits, ubiquinol , omega 3. I love taking them. I gave up the fresh royal jelly as it's v expensive.

I hope you feel better soon. Were all here for you xxx

I can imagine that must have been an eye opener - that a dentist has been able to diagnose your stress. I do sometimes wonder that perhaps I should forget it for a year and it might happen naturally. But then how could I ever really forget when it's something so important to me? Easy for men. But we get our period, then we know when we are ovulating, then we wait for our period. And already I am producing less eggs with a lower AMH at 37 than other women doing IVF over 40, so I really feel I need to make it happen in 2015 before it's game over.

I've booked my follow up WTF appt with my IVF Dr. Really, there is no answers she can give. I know the trigger went wrong this cycle so that not all my eggs were mature and I know how to fix it next cycle. I thought that I've put so much hard work into producing better quality eggs and I saw the results of that in the few eggs I did get last cycle. Why waste all that work. May as well keep this up and do another IVF sooner. But I know from experience I must take Aspirin for two cycles prior to IVF to increase my day 2 follicle count from 5-6 to 16-20. So it's this cycle and next cycle off while I take Aspirin then I'll try again. Two months is actually quite a long time when you are waiting to start IVF. Hopefully I can work on getting my head in the right place in the meantime.

When I get back from my holiday, I am going to look into foster care. My husband grew up with his parents taking in foster children so it just seems natural to hubby and something he is interested in anyway. For me, I feel the guilt of failing my son as he grows up alone, so a foster child is an alternative to allow me to look into my sons eyes without feeling guilty towards him. And I am hoping it will provide me with another place to focus to take my mind off IVF.

Sorry for the very me post. Just so empty after this failure and I need to let it out.

I assume no news from you Blue as you are just waiting til Tuesday? I am leaving for my holiday now so can't check in again til Wednesday (which will be Tue night your time). I will be thinking of you Blue.

Hi all, no news (or AF) here. I'm 99% sure this cycle hasn't worked though - the cramps now feel more like period pain and I think the progesterone is just keeping AF at bay. I feel the same as I did in the last cycle, which didn't work. I had a bit of a meltdown last night. I feel sorry for my DH. We seem to have beaten the odds continuously throughout all 3 cycles (collecting a reasonable number of eggs despite my very low AMH and getting to blasto stage twice) yet I'm still failing to implant. There is clearly something wrong with my eggs, which I guess makes sense given that we've been TTC for years. Perhaps I've unknowingly had loads of chemical pregnancies.

Anyway, I'm holding off until tomorrow to test because I didn't get a BFP until 16dpo in my last 2 cycles. Tomorrow is 15dpo, so let's see what happens. We're going to my mum's on Christmas Eve so I'd rather get the crying over and done with before we head up there.

As much as it pains me I just don't think another 'regular' round of IVF is the answer for us. Egg donation seems like the right thing. I'll start looking into it properly after Christmas. Annie good to see you on plan b,c and d. And Shellster, I'm intrigued by your home IUI idea although I want you to be very careful before you put anything in your cervix! I'll be Mum here and say that sounds a bit risky.

Thanks to everyone on here by the way, purple and everyone else. You have been so supportive xx

Hi ladies, looks like a BFN here. I stupidly used the the test the hospital gave me this morning instead of a 'proper' test and there is a tiny hint of a second line... possibly an evap line? I don't know and husband is out until tonight so can't ask. Gah. Now I need to double check. Advice please... is it better to wait until tomorrow morning for a definitive answer? I'm guessing so. Tomorrow is 16dpo for me. My clinic is closed so I can't go for a blood test. Maybe I'll just go and buy more pee sticks and test later today too?

I'm sure it's negative, I'm just thinking it might be another chemical. If there's a hint of a BFP I'd like to know so I can tell the doctor at my next meeting.

Anyway, I'm disappointed but not surprised. I've been mentally preparing myself for this for the last few days. Just feeling tired and fed up with it all.

Test again. Maybe a double pack of first response.
What colour is the test, it seems like cb type more likely evap lines.
See if you can see the line on a photo.

So sorry shellster. Hope you can work out a plan to go forward that you are happy with.
Hope you are still in the game blue.

Thanks Naty, it is a CB type test - blue lines. I have an FRER now so I'll test again tomorrow morning first pee of the day. That should give me a definite response I think (I'm drinking loads of water at the moment so probably not worth testing during the day). Looks like the blue dye tests are notorious for evap. Let this be a lesson to me for next time

Sending a big hug, Shellster - no need to apologise, if you can't talk about your feelings at a time like this, among those who really understand what you're going through, you're never going to let yourself talk, are you? And cry too...it's very therapeutic. You release cortisol in your tears. Hoping you have a good holiday in spite of everything and that a small boy being excited about Christmas is good medicine.

Keeping everything crossed for you, Blue - I got false negatives with both my pregnancies, so the tests aren't all that xxx

Hi everyone,

I'm so sorry I've missed everything, I've been chasing deadlines to distract myself for failing again to bear a Christmas Miracle Pregnancy (period has come and gone in the last week).

Shellster, I'm so sorry to hear you got a BFN. Huge hugs and love coming your way.

Blue, I know you're feeling negative, but I'm keeping up hope till we hear otherwise.

Purple, hallo, my lovely, how are you?

Naty, how are you?

Vixen and Sunrise, it's very nice to meet you both -- have you just started the process? Good luck!

Anniehoo, alas, I swear like a sailor, which is shocking for someone who has as many English degrees as I do -- it belies my vocabulary terribly. Where are you in the next process? Are you still giving Nature a go? I've got my next ACU appointment in January. It feels a very long way off.

Merry Festivus to those of you that celebrate it!

Hi all, BFN this morning as expected. We're disappointed but not surprised. Have a nice Christmas everyone, I'm giving myself a couple of days off from IVF thoughts! I'll be back and ready to launch plan B soon x

Oh Blue, I know the heartache that I have suffered and I know there are no words. It just doesn't seem fair. Despite your low AMH, you get good fertilisation and good embryos, and they even implant for a bit. So close and yet it all means nothing when it results in a BFN.

Emma, sorry to hear your period has come and gone and denied you of any hope of being pregnant this Christmas. I vividly remember doing IVF before last Christmas and thinking I would have a nice little secret and Christmas lunch. Instead I tried to hold back tears. And now another Christmas has come around so fast. Really scares me how next Christmas could be here just as quickly and still no BFP by which time my ovaries will be old and dry and I will somehow have to accept this and live with the guilt I feel every time I look my son in the eye.

Well I am on holidays now and just borrowed a computer to log in to check on you Blue. But now I probably wont be back here til the new year either. Hopefully the food and wine does us all some good.

Sending purple festiveness to all.
So sorry, Shellster and Blue that this isn't going to be the celebration you (we) were all hoping for. And you too, Emma.
Chuckling about the English degrees and swearyness....I don't think the two are incompatible....plenty of good Anglo-Saxon words to be proud of

Our news is that we've accepted an appointment in the Czech Republic on 21st January, so back on the rollercoaster for the New Year...

Just checking in to see how you are all doing. I'm really sorry there's no good news for you all ?? I know I found Christmas particularly difficult the last few years so I know how you are all feeling.

Annie have you tried accupunture for stress? I really found it helped me when times got really tough.

Sending you all lots of love and luck that 2015 can finally be your year x

Welcome Vixen And Sunrise hope you find support on here during IVF, it's been a lifeline for me, everyone is so lovely and we all can handhold each other through this.

Happy Christmas happily! How are you getting on with pregnancy? Hope you are feeling well. Thanks for the reminder that there are positive results sometimes .

Yes I really must to acupuncture now. It wasn't available locally until recently. How often did you go?

Blue I'm sorry it was a BFN. I hope you are ok. X

Hi Emma I was hoping for a Christmas Miracle Pregnancy too. I was due on Christmas Eve but no sign of AF yet. She's just messing with me though as I've tested every day and it's a BFN. Could be the Clomid making me late or stress. I actually hope she comes tomorrow in time for my down reg bum injection with the nurse!

January will be here soon and we can get on with the next thing. purple great news about clinic in Czech Republic . Not long now. X

Shellster I hope you had a lovely holiday x

Naty hope you are doing well and feeling good x

I'm off to have some trifle and a lie down . Ahh I love the holidays..

I went every couple of weeks for my stress levels but when I did the ivf I went more often and went the day of egg transfer too. I don't know if it worked but it definitely helped my stress levels and there have been links to Accupuncture and success rates of ivf so it's always worth a try.x

Hello lovely ladies. Good to hear from you Happily. Hope it's all going well. Annie I kept sane (ish) with acupuncture too. Generally once a week, but depended on where I was with the IVF.
I've just been for an evening out with my cousin and her daughter who offered to be an egg donor for us. It was good to see them face to gave and talk through our reasons for going abroad. . Was very worried about it, but actually we had a lovely evening together and they were very supportive. Silly of me really. Of course they would be. Anybody who is generous enough to offer something like that has to be a pretty amazing person, don't they?

That's lovely news purple and so true, your cousins seem like very kind people with integrity. Of course they are happy for you! I'm so pleased for you as it must be a relief to know.

Right, AF here, bum injection done. First scan booked for 12th jan. Must book acupuncture this week thanks for support x

Good luck Annie xxx

Hi everyone - nice to hear from you Happily) and Annie*, good to hear you are back on the IVF bus. Can I ask why you're on Clomid if you're planning another IVF cycle? Maybe I missed something...or perhaps this is a new treatment approach I haven't heard about?

Purple, must be nice to have a date in the diary for Czech Republic. I've actually been doing a bit of research on donor cycle options too. We've decided to have one last go with my own eggs first, then I think we'll also move to donor eggs. I'll be very interested to see how you get on with everything. I think we'd prefer to stay in the UK though, as we'd like there to be a 'traceable' donor if our future son/daughter wants to do the research (as far as I understand this isn't possible abroad - maybe you know different?). There is so much conflicting info out there it's hard to know what is what. The process definitely seems quicker, easier and cheaper abroad.

We have our 'WTF' meeting with the doctor next week. As mentioned above, we've decided to have one last go with my eggs...hopefully the doctor will agree. Luckily my health insurance is paying half towards the IVF treatment, so we've got the finances to have another go. I'm 38 in July so time is ticking away for me to use my own eggs, whereas a donor cycle can wait a while. I've decided to try a couple of slightly off the wall things to (possibly) help ....I've just sent off a sample of menstrual blood to IVF Serum in Athens for 'hidden infection' testing, and I'm also thinking about trying intralipids this cycle. I'm sure our doctor will think both are a load of nonsense but I can't see the harm in trying - it's only antibiotics and (umm) egg yolks.

Anyway sorry for the long 'me' post - quite nice to have a plan already in action. Glad to see everyone else is also in a new year, new start frame of mind. HAPPY NEW YEAR and let's hope that 2015 is a great year for everyone!