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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Original poster

Secondary infertility

297 replies

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 19/04/2013 13:46

Am in cycle 19 TTC #2. We have a beautiful DD who took a while to conceive (managed on cycle 16, got my BFP the day before our referral appointment for fertility treatment!) so I expected it to take a while to get a second. However, time is ticking by (am 37) and I really do want DD to have a sibling, so I have been to the GP. First set of investigations have been done and and DH and I have an appointment with the GP this afternoon to get test results and hopefully a referral.

I am feeling a strange combination of emotions. I feel a bit guilty for wanting another child so much when I already have a wonderful DD. I am worried about what treatment may be necessary, how we can pay for it, even if it would be appropriate to fund trying to conceive another child when we could spend those resources on giving the child we already have the best possible start in life.

I even feel a tiny bit guilty for even posting this here, as I already have a child and should be grateful for what I have (and I am, very much). But I can't help longing for another, I get so envious of friends who have / are going on to have second children (and in some cases contemplating a third). I am a mummy, I no longer have to deal with the awful feeling of wondering if I will ever know the joy of parenthood, but every month I have the same disappointment and sense of failure when AF arrives, coupled with the anxiety that every month lost makes the potential age gap bigger.

So please tell me your good news about secondary infertility. Did you get your BFP eventually? Or did you manage to come to terms with not having another and make the most of your smaller than planned family? And if you did go down the path of intervention, what did it involve? Was it successful? Do you have any regrets?

OP posts:
stoopstofolly · 17/12/2013 09:05

Me Trew is who I saw- and my friend. He was lovely and moved things along very quickly!

Desperatelyseekingcompletion · 17/12/2013 09:51

Amazing!! I'll make some enquiries xxx

goddessnic · 17/12/2013 11:50

Hi stoopstofolly and desperately seeking completion, I had a d and c after my son as I was haemorraging at 2 weeks post birth. I have always wondered if this caused scarring. I too had the dye thingy but everything looked normal. Do you mind me asking if you had the test done privately?
Desperately I have had no treatment as nothing is wrong supposedly, but we are saving for IUI and I am trying to lose weight.

stoopstofolly · 17/12/2013 13:06

I'm not sure if our dye tests were the same- the test I had done involved having radioactive dye injected into the uterine cavity whilst they performed an X-ray (not fun!). I am very lucky to get private healthcare through work- insurers won't refund fertility treatment, but I presented to my doctor that I thought it could be a medical problem (gave her a whole list of real and exaggerated gyne symptoms and got her to refer me). I was lucky to be referred to Mr Trew......As it was a medical problem that was causing infertility, not fertility treatment it was covered privately, but should also be covered by the NHS.
Hope this helps!

goddessnic · 18/12/2013 12:41

Hi yes this is the test I had, bloody uncomfortable, it felt like my insides were going to burst. The dye went through though and it was all deemed as normal. I guess that's the end if that theory for me then :-(
Thanks for the advice though x

Desperatelyseekingcompletion · 18/12/2013 17:50

I had the same but under anaesthesia. Mine were clear too so I think it will rule me out too :0(

Still dieting and saving and praying for a miracle xx

KatyS36 · 18/12/2013 21:25

Ladies.

I want to say the biggest thank you to all of you. Every so often you read something that changes your life and you will remember forever. For me this has been one of those occasions.

I have cried so much since reading this, and whilst it has been with sadness it has also been with the most overwhelming relief. This thread has helped me to sort out so many of my feelings - I could have written so many of these posts, but couldn't put the whole story together like you have done for me.

I conceived dd, now 4, quickly and easily at 36, and we, along with everyone else thought our next would be straightforward to, but that isn't turning out to be the case.

So many of the circumstances and emotions you have described are exactly what has happened to me, but I thought it was just me as all my peers have had their second, or made a consciousness decision not to try. Like many of you I didn't fell comfortable on other fertility sites - I've figured that for me it feels like whilst secondary infertility does deserve compassion and support, a primary infertility group doesn't seem the appropriate place to seek this.

The most heart wrenching aspect is when dd asks if we can have a baby. She would make an amazing big sister and nothing prepared me for how this would feel. I haven't been able to admit this before as I felt so ashamed and that I was a bad mother. You have helped me to see that this is one of those terribly sad things that happens sometimes and helped to remove the stigma that I felt.

Thank you again for being so brave, open and articulate.

Katy

goddessnic · 18/12/2013 22:11

Oh Katy, bless you. Its so sad isn't it. I bet there are loads of us out there. Every time I read someone's story I cry, for the reasons you have just articulated so well. I feel like I have failed my son too, like I have failed as a mother. I can't even complete my family properly!
Thanks for your post, too x

KatyS36 · 18/12/2013 23:18

Exactly.

I really thought i was the only one

Everybody I know who expected and tried to have another did, apart from me. I've felt delighted for everyone on an individual basis, but it feels so cruel that it is just me who is left out.

There has also been the across the board expectation that I can just have another, so it has felt like it is my fault that so far i haven't been able to.

It also feels like it rips away your support system. All those ladies with whom you shared your first now have conversations where you just feel left out. And the last thing I have wanted is to make a mother of a new second baby feel guilty.

What i have also found difficult (feel bad admitting this here, and apologies that this could be insensitive) is that I am able to afford private ivf. You read about so many women who can't that makes me feel even more guilty - I have one child AND I can afford ivf to try for a second.

At the clinic, whilst the nurses have been lovely, I feel that I don't deserve their support as much as the women who don't even have one.

Find out this week if my second round of ivf has worked.

Thank you

Katy

Shellster52 · 19/12/2013 03:13

I am yet another in the secondary infertility boat. Been trying for two long years now to conceive no 2. Husband was diagnosed with 100% abnormal sperm missing the acrosome cap so it cannot penetrate the egg. Don't know how we got the first! Have done 3 rounds of IVF with ICSI to inject sperm into egg. Have currently got my period after 3rd IVF failure :( I am in Australia and have been going to cheaper clinic and am now fed up and have made appointment for better clinic - but more expensive. How far do I go putting our family into debt because of my selfishness to want a second when I already have number who is is absolutely perfect!

KatyS36 · 19/12/2013 15:29

Shellster.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sad outcome. Its so hard isn't it?

A comment i read a while back made so much sense to me . It was an obstetrician and his observation was that a lot of older mums spend so much time and energy trying to have a second that they forget to enjoy their first. I've been determined not to fall into this trap, or at least minimise how far in i go.

I always knew that I didn't want to still be there in three years time having round number eight-although I fully respect the decisions of others who want to go down this route.

One of the key questions we asking before starting ivf was how many rounds. We got what for us was a very helpful answer.

It was a leading professor, and he said that for most people who ivf is going to work for it works in the first Three or four rounds. After this, while there are some folk who get lucky in round five, or eight, this doesn't generally happen. This view has been backed up elsewhere.

Then and there we made a firm decision that four would be our maximum.

My decision now is if to carry on past round two, as I've had a really tough time with side effects and I feel it's taken so much time and energy away from the family i already have.

I realise this is a very personal decision and views, so I don't want to imply this is right, ots just right for us.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Katy

resipsa · 19/12/2013 16:41

Katy, have you had your test result? I got a BFP from IVF round 2 on Sunday but started to bleed on Tuesday. It's not looking good. Life sucks is an understatement.

KatyS36 · 19/12/2013 19:23

I'm so sorry.

I get my results tomorrow.

The only positive at the moment is that I am feeling so much better than at any point in the last 8 weeks as the drugs (particularly the bucerelyn) have worn off now. Sadly though I expect this sudden feeling of wellness isn't indicative of pregnancy.

Katy

goddessnic · 19/12/2013 22:38

Katy please dont feel guilty about being able to afford ivf, if I could afford it I definitely would have it. I am going to do whatever I can afford to in order to conceive a child.
I know what you mean about your support network disappearing, my friends are on their second or third child.
Good luck with your ivf results this week.
Good luck shellster and resispa fingers crossed x

goddessnic · 19/12/2013 22:45

I also worry about not enjoying the child I already have, in fact about a year in I noticed I was really unhappy and not enjoying him. I make a converted effort now to enjoy him as much as possible. It's bitter sweet looking at him when I have found out I'm not pregnant yet again.

KatyS36 · 20/12/2013 17:16

Bfn

I'm sad that I won't be having another baby, but gutted dd won't get to be the big sister that she longs to be. Feel like I'm failing her, and my dh.

Katy

goddessnic · 20/12/2013 18:15

Oh katy I'm so sorry x x

You are not failing your daughter or your husband. We cannot make these things happen however much we will it.

resipsa · 21/12/2013 09:33

Katy - sorry. Beyond shit. Hope you are OK.

goddessnic · 21/12/2013 11:54

Resispa how are you doing?

KatyS36 · 21/12/2013 22:11

Thank you.

Before I started this round I was quite philosophical. After actually getting some embryos and thinking what might have been its just heartbreaking.

Away for Christmas and family don't know so no space.

Thinking of you guys and thank you for your support.

Katy

Shellster52 · 21/12/2013 23:04

So nice to have found this thread.

Thanks for you comments Katy. Yes that obstetrician must think we are crazy from an outside viewpoint. We have a beautiful child in front of us and we are spending our time alone and upset about a child we don't have. Can't help but still do it though!

I too have heard that if IVF is going to work, it usually happens in the first 3/4 rounds. Gulp. Doesn't look good for me who has just had round 3 fail. I had a great quality embryo last round but BFN. Just read a study that thin lining (

KatyS36 · 22/12/2013 22:11

Hope things go well with your new clinic-sounds like a sensible move.

With the enjoying your first quote, just wanted to say that the context it was written in was constructive and compassionate, as opposed to judgemental. I think that is really important when you are trying to decide where it applies in your own life.

Take care

Katy

Shellster52 · 23/12/2013 05:12

Thank you Katy. So am I reading correctly that you have decided not to do IVF anymore and are moving on? It would be nice to have my life and my mind back but I just don't know how you do it! Not sure if age is a factor for you or if you have been given any reason for your secondary infertility that helps your decision. I hope you find peace. I am 36 and feel like I have to go hard at TTC so that I can look back in peace and know I gave it 100%. I have been trying to take a practical approach to all this and learn from each IVF - and I have seen embryo quality improvement with all 3 cycles. So that gives me hope to go on. After having read about thin linings drastically reducing implantation success, I have to give it one more go while this problem is being rectified to know I have tried everything.

Have you been given any explanation as to why your IVF's haven't worked? Sorry, you may not want to be thinking about this if you are trying to move on. I am just trying to learn from everyone's experiences.

goddessnic · 07/01/2014 09:39

Hi all. I have just had a negative pregnancy test but am really confused. My period is late, and I'm never late, I have had 4 days of mild cramping and now my breasts are getting painful and tingling. I ovulated late this month ( day 18) so today was only 11 days after ovulation. I'm wondering if its too early to test.
Do you always have periods after ovulation? Maybe just missing a period this month. If so, this is not good news for my fertility.

Desperatelyseekingcompletion · 07/01/2014 11:08

It may be too soon to test. I am having a strange month too. I have had sore breasts since cd19 now on cd23 and very sore. My cycle is 27/28 days. It's unusual for me to be so sore so early. I've not tested. I can't bare the disappointment.
I hope you get a BFP - maybe try again in a few days or consult your GP?