What do you think about being forced to look after elderly parents? Baroness Deech says we should.

[BendyBob]

Here Would you do it? Should you be forced to do it?? Would you want dc to look after you?

I understand care of an ageing population needs more consideration, but no, I think I could not do it nor would I want dc to do it for me either.

Whats the alternative though? Some godawful home where they waste away, having to sll their house for the pleasure?

I would never look after my mother or father and would tell anyone who said I should to fuck off.

I would be very pleased if my children looked after me but I don't expect it and I wouldn't ask.

Bollocks to that. Wouldn't work for many families. And would lead to abuse of elderly people by unwilling, resentful relatives.

My mother has made it VERY clear that she does not ever want either of her daughters to care for her, after childhood experience of seeing her own mother driven into a nervous breakdown by caring for a relative with dementia. (She had the breakdown after the relative died.)

My parents and MIL deserve to be looked after and I would happily do it.
Some parents are awful and do their best to wreck their children's lives until they leave home. Imagine if they could continue to wreck them for the rest of the children's lives....

And I really doubt the stat that 4/5 grandparents provide free childcare, as in while the parents work. Lots of people live too far away from their families, for starters. (I am v. jealous of those who do get lots of help, though, ds's grandparents either don't live near us or are too frail.)

Imagine if you were both only children and so had to look after both sets of parents?

Don't you just love it when high earning women tell the rest of us what we should do with our families? Our parents both live miles away, and we don't have space for them in our house. Supposing all 3 of the grandparents needed looking after - exactly how would we do that?

I'd also love to know when I can expect all this free childcare from the grandparents that I should then repay them for.

Perhaps Lady Deech should stick to law from now on.

I think if people had more space time and money they might consider it an option. I don;t think I could put my parents in a home

I think my family/marriage would implode with the extra pressure.

I would possibly do it if I had the space. I think that would be the clincher on this.
But that would mean pooling the value of our houses and buying somewhere bigger. That'd cause arguments no doubt.

Then of course dh would be entitled to expect the same for his parents. Omg I can feel insanity loming as I type. It'd be like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory round here. It wouldn't work.

I don't think my parents would want it or expect it either though.

Complete lack of thought given to the idea. She says it should be gps who have given free childcare. What about those who don't should the state be responsible for them? Would many people accept 'free' childcare from gps if they would be responsible for future care costs?

Where free childcare really comes into its own are the families where mothers can only afford to work if childcare is free, esp single mothers. Simple solution is that they don't work with knock on effects on the economy and benefits bill.

Also, I am very close to my mum and would happily look after her to a limited extent. I would not be happy about being responsible for all her personal care and mum wouldn't want me to be. But I have brothers and a sister so how would the care be divided up. DH otoh is an only child. Would that mean we were responsible for the PILs who while perfectly nice, have absolutely no involvement with us or our DCs....

What planet does she live on? The same one as those twat Loose Women. A place where people have a big enough house and tons of money to support themselves, their kids AND the parents.

Must be nice!

When the 'Baroness' (anyone who uses a bollocks title like this is immediately in my book) Dench is willing to come live in my home and my life and I can live hers, then I'd be happy to take up her suggestion.

Otherwise, she's talking out her backside.

The reality of the situation can be quite hard though.
My mum is 63 and has alzheimers and dementia. She is depressed and has paranoid episodes every day. She has a bad leg and also has insomnia. She needs someone with her constantly and we've got busy lives. She doesn't even have the energy to keep up with us mental issues aside. Plus there are five of us in a two bedroom house with an open-plan downstairs so no idea where she'd live. And one of our kids is disabled.
Would be a case of the straw that broke the camel's back if she were with us.
That said the home she lives in is a horrible place and it would be fantastic if there were a better solution. Have tried to sort things out for her despite being 300 miles away, but that is the most I can do.

Luckily for me my parents smoke and drink far too much so I can't ever see them living long enough to need care from me.

The in-laws, however, moved to France 5 yrs ago. They have never baby sat for us and we have never been especially close. DH left home at 16 and have never provided him with any financial, emotional or practical support since.

FWIW I am not wiping anyones arse. I just couldn't. Looking after people with dementia is bloody hard work. At least toddlers are cute and cuddly and grow out of their annoying behaviour and don't weigh very much. Old people only get more ill and their needs more complex.

We need to have a debate about why the state is determined to make us live longer but with a crappy quality of life.

Noone in my family has ever left their own home or wanted to leave their home until they were in such a state that it was impossible for them to be looked after in a relative's home.

No way I could look after MIL, who is paralysed from waist downwards and considerably heavier than me in our 3 bed semi with its narrow staircase and no room for a lift or hoist. She would die from bed sores within a week as there is no way I could get her onto the commode. Hardly the way to repay all the years of kindness she has shown us. Instead, we gave her the help she needed and wanted by finding her a care home adapted to her needs.

And how do you combine the care of an aggresssive OAP suffering from senile dementia who cannot safely be left with the care of small children who need to be taken out?

Or what about my Gran, who admittedly had babysat my elder brother but never lost a chance to tell my younger brother that he wasn't as good as the rest of us because he was adopted: should he have been forced to grow up in the same house as her?

I could wipe somebody's arse, certainly. Have done that before. But I couldn't refuse to take dd to a hospital appointment because I was looking after an elderly relative who could not safely be left alone.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't look after my parents, but the suggestion that it should be compulsory doesn't take account of geographical mobility. My parents are in Cornwall, we are in London. So, are we supposed to transpose an elderly lady (I'm talking hypothetically, by the way, my parents are both about 70 and a long way from needing care, but supposed my Mum was widowed and needing care) who has lived in Cornwall all her life, to London, to a city, where she only knows us? Or if we move to Cornwall, where will we work?

And most of the people who go into homes need care all day. If it is compulsory to care for your parents, where does this leave people who work? Not everybody can afford to give up work, especially when you are a couple, so get no benefit if one of you stops working.

It's a silly suggestion that hasn't been thought through.

No way should people be forced, but I would want to look after my mum/dad or inlaws.
My granny lived with my aunt and her family until she died, and I believe it's the ideal. If you were looked after reasonably well, I just think that should be reciprocal.

My mum has said that she'd rather die than come to live with me though

This is already law in Germany - my friends husband is responsible for bills for his father who fucked off and left him & his mum in childhood. they have 3 small children to look after too. I think it is a very bad law - if you love your parents, and can help you will, if not, the law shouldn't presume a relationship that may well not be there...

considering how much training is necessary to care for those with alzheimers or dementia , how can it be expected that regular folk, with jobs/children etc look after them properly?

i don't have childcare from grandparents, apart from teh odd day here and tehre, but not enough to warrant being forced to provide live in round the clock care for an elderly person who might well have complicated needs

my spare room is on the top floor of my house, stairs to narrow for a stair lift, it is a cold draughty house too, no downstairs loo, and would be totally unsuitable for an elderly person, never mind one who was unwell

a great way to ensure women don't go back to work i think

I think from reading the article she is suggesting that people pay for the care their parents need. As an extra tax I guess - however as my MIL and my mother become elderly I have my own care package from SS due to disability, that limits both mine and my husbands earning potential. We will also have a growing child to support - financially supporting either of our parents care would substantially disadvantage our child nevermind ourselves.

The idea that we have a system of insurance is much more sensible as it is then spread further across the population. asking children to pay specifiaclly towards individual parents care would be a disaster and lead to much more poverty - including child poverty which is supposed to be being eradicated

Blimey..I am an only child...

Also, yes all this 'free childcare'. I wouldn't call it that exactly in our case.

Gp's are involved and are great, but not on a day in day out basis. It's ad hoc and mostly what they want to do. Which is great and dc have good relationships with them but to call it 'payback' for what they do? I think that's insult them. They do what they do because the want to (I hope).

Other families of course aren't lucky in this way and never see their gp's at all, or have bad relationships with them.

So many scenarios here already. It's a badly thought out solution.

if that ever came in the rates of elder abuse would increase dramatically.

looking after ill and elderly possibly disabled people is an exhausting and demanding 24hr job. Lots of people do it and I can only admire them. But it comes at a cost to their physical, mental and financial health.

Quite how Lady Deech squares this idea with the economic reality of needing 2 incomes to support a household I dont know and I note that the article makes no reference to that.

Perhaps she has the idea that women work for the fun of it. The other thing that struck me was that she notes that "A legal obligation would certainly become a burden on the women in the family, whose independence and career progression would take a setback"

No shit Sherlock.

It does make me wonder what parties are thinking of introducing given the ageing population and the spiralling costs.

this sounds like another form of taxation to me. i already feel exhausted most of the time through working, looking after 3 children and running the house - i'm not sure where she thinks caring for parents is going to fit in. plus i have no experience of looking after an infirm person. if i had to give up my job then this would mean massive student debts for children and DH having to retire much later. plus my mother has more or less ignored me since finding another partner

I could do this, but I doubt I'd be married after a year of it.

Also I'd be prosecuted for elder cruelty because in our 2-bed house the only way to fit my parents and in-laws in would be to stack them four deep in the small room while ds comes in with us.

Also there'd be murder done because Mum and Dad haven't lived together for 17 happy years.

I do agree with her in principle, but in Principles nothing ever fitted me.

Having seen an aunt's life pretty much blighted by having to look after her mother, my DH has stated that he'd rather top himself than ever have DD responsible for looking after us.

Fortunately my grandparents had the sense to save and the luck to have public sector pensions.