What do you think about being forced to look after elderly parents? Baroness Deech says we should.

[BendyBob]

Here Would you do it? Should you be forced to do it?? Would you want dc to look after you?

I understand care of an ageing population needs more consideration, but no, I think I could not do it nor would I want dc to do it for me either.

I'd happily look after my aprents as would DH- but only if we didn't have two disabled kids already.how would that work the way things are? Simply could not do itwell.

And we wouldn't have space.

FIL has rather sensibly found himself anice much younger fiancee LOLO so weareexemopt there, and MIL? Not a chance. Dh woudln't have her in the house anyway.

I'dbe very sad I coudln't take my aprents and tbh it isn't an isue as my sister has the space and intention of having them,but not everyone hs the right set up do they?

Would the boys look after me? They say they would but I doubt it, doubly so as even then I will come buy one get one free with an autistic by-then-adult (and Dh if he's still alive). Toomuch to ask.

On a similarfront WRT tocareforrelatives even if not strictly aprents

My dad fora time wascarer to his much oler sister who ahd Psych issues,she'dcome and go-livewith them a bit, drft off,back again.

When I was born, becuase of her MH issues and completelack of any notion of safety and responsibility Mum and dad were told its the Aunt or the child.let SW know which one today.

When dad took my Aunt straigvht around there later they tried to refuse him handing her over! Luckily Dadwasnt ahving any of it- I was the first to live after 6 pregnancies,he wasnt playing games.

What happens when elderly peoplewith the same type of disorders (and they do often happen with alzheimers etc) are taken into the homes of children then? that just cannot work.

(Oh and I bet they wouldnt raise carers allowance from £53 a week either oh no)

So if so many aren't willing to do it, what do you expect to happen to your parents? When they aren't able to look after themselves? Residential care which can be appalling or expensive or both? Quick and painless lethal injection? Don't you care?

I am struggling with this question atm. And I don't know the answer. I would struggle to look after my parents in our current home, and with both DH and I working it wouldn't be straightforward. But that doesn't mean the issue can just be dismissed with a wave of the hand.

Try looking at it the other way; imagine there isn't an alternative to family care. In some cases there isn't. Then you'd have to find a way - in the same way as you had to find childcare.

Well orm most people do have more than one child for a start- so even if it were obligatory then it swouldnt be everyone; thered often be one person better placed than others to do it.

But you know...iof your house is too small, or you have other reposibilities (after all technically you could end up with 4 parenst with dementia if both only children) the option has to be state care or woefully inadequate care. There has to be a state setup anyway for those who don't have children after all.

I am already committed tocaring fords3 until I die, my abilities aboc that will be limites,esp.as rheres always a goodchnce by the time they get infirm I wont be a yungster anyway- I knew someone in her70'scaring for he Mum.

I agree peachy. It would be difficult if not impossible for me, let alone you. But that doesn't mean it is outrageous for someone to suggest that it should be a consideration.

It obviously shouldn't be compulsory, but in general, families should look after elderly parents wherever feasible.

The cultural lack of respect for the elderly in Britain is appalling.

Families in India and China, with far greater poverty and cramped conditions than the poorest British family, do everything they possibly can to stay with their parents and grandparents.

We could learn a lot from their mentality.

I think parents should be looked after by their children
but many many exceptions apply

from serious medical conditions requiring 24hr care
to parents being downright unpleasant people
who don't deserve any consideration whatsoever

but it needs to be discussed and there should be more quality home care as well as respite solutions

Orm i agree that it should be aconsideration

And indeed,WRT my family it has been decided that sister (mum of 1,6 bedroom house) will set aside a room for our parents,and her DH's family ahs a long traidion of looking after relative in their own home via the medium of pots of cash.

I'm struggling with this answer. mum is 82 and now needs help from me. siblings are hundreds of miles away, physically and emotionally. we receive absolutely no free childcare from Gp's.
so we provide the care but don't get any of the free babysitting.
wonder what baroness whatserface would make of that.

no one wants to be a burden in their old age, my mum used to say "give me a pill when I'm old and needy" but then they get old and needy and its all a different story.

I think that baroness should live in the real world.

we're struggling with this issue at the moment. PIL is in a home and doesn't like it - he'd rather be at home. He needs care - we tried organising it for him but he's very difficult and after the third carer refused to look after him any more dh and his sister agreed that a home was the only option. Both we and sil have a spare room - however we all work so would still need carers as he can't be left alone all day and the behaviour issues make it very difficult. It's sad - but realistically i don't think we can cope with any other option.

I think there is a fundamental difference between being forced to look after elderly parents and doing so because that is the right thing to do and because you love them.

I think there is a feeling that DCs are 'entitled' to inherit from parents which probably should stop as either their assets will have to be used to pay for care homes or merged to afford a bigger house etc. I also think there should be serious consideration given to an insurance scheme to cover the costs of care as NICs really won;t cover it.

There should definitely be more suipport for families caring for a sick or elderly or both relative so there is proper respite but that isn't a new argument.

We also probably need to realise that if this is going to stay being primarily provided by the state, taxes will need to go up and there may have to becompulsion for anyone who can remotely afford it to take out a pension plan/ insurance etc...

When lady D has looked after 2 sets of elderly demented ill parents for 15 years, lost her career, ruined her health, neglected her children and run out of money, THEN she can tell the rest of us what to do.

she also displays a stunning amount of ignorance about just what it's like to look after someone with advanced dementia.

ok, and what if you are 45-55, for example, have ill or aging parents you are "required" to care for ASWELL AS those grandchildren you're expected to provide childcare for?? what then????? care for them all??

triggles - you forgot to mention the fulltime job that you have to do to pay the mortgage for a house thats large enough and to feed them all

yup... it's just insane

Yes, don't forget the part-time job on top of the full time job to put your DCs through university/college.

They won't get a job at the end of it and return home to live with you.

So essentially, we'll have our kids, grandkids, and elderly parents living with us. We won't be able to work because of it. And we'll go into debt caring for them all, but because we're not working, we'll have no pension ourselves..... um, yeah this is looking positive....

Yes, I think the Baby Boomers have shafted us (again). I notice they didn't look after their elderly parents, pay for uni and pay through the nose to buy their own home. A great deal of them retired early with an enormous final salary pension.

triggles has just said what I was trying to articulate - if Im meant to be looking after my elderly parents, just how am I meant to do the babysitting for my children which will apparently be the bargaining chip that earns me care from my children in the future?

I would have liked the opportunity to care for my father. As it stands after he died and after I had arranged everything my mother decided that having a servant was quite good really and thus now lives with me and my dts.

It did mean that I could go out to work shifts but that is grudged and I do hate leaving dts with her. We didn't have a great relationship - I was always made to feel she regretted having me and I was a disappointment.

Oh a whole bunch of stuff no one wants to hear.

So lets just say that from my position it was my overpowering sense of duty that made me agree to it. Whether or not that is worse than having someone else tell me to do it I don't know. If I end up like that I'll be booking the first flight to Switzerland because I wouldn't want dts to feel the way I do.

I found it interesting, also, that she made the comment about it affecting women's careers as well. So between maternity issues and carers issues, we're pretty much guaranteed to go nowhere fast.

God, I truly hate people who are obscenely wealthy and out of touch with the realities of normal living when they feel they need to comment on how they feel the world should be.

Main problems:

1. People are living much longer these days
2. Many more people with dementia
3. Housze prices have risen dramatically (and home ownership), greater outgoings and homes too small for an extra person

Wonder how much "free childcare" old Baroness provided for her children's kids?? Not much, I'll bet, being "one of Britian's most senior family lawyers."