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Original poster

Nick Duerden in the Guardian - His wife "leaves me fully alone with my daughter for the first time" at 16 months!

492 replies

beanieb · 02/05/2009 23:57

piece

Is this normal, for a father to not be left with their child alone until they are over a year old?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 08/05/2009 13:26

that should say tiddly in CHARGE of a baby

do not put baby in a case

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/05/2009 13:28

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RumourOfAHurricane · 08/05/2009 13:28

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Voltaire · 08/05/2009 13:31

Fennel - The thing is nobody really knows what sort of parent they or their partner are going to make before there is a child on the scene. It's not until you become a parent that you really understand the huge lifestyle shift. He wasn't a wife batterer, absuive, lazy or anything, in fact he had much to recommend him.

smee · 08/05/2009 13:31

I don't have a problem with your article Nick, honestly I don't. I read it, and found it interesting. Made me smile actually, and I know many many men who've been reluctant fathers, then fallen head over heels for their offspring, so I'd bet lots read and gave a smile of recognition. Women too for that matter. My problem's more about the Family section of The Guardian. Am genuinely intrigued to know if the Editor would be as amazed as you to hear some negative reaction to your piece. I have a vague hope that they put your article in partly to provoke (good for them if so), but I'd guess it was more 'aw this is a warm loving story for Saturday morning coffee - which indeed it was. Trouble is that the stuff in the FG is so absurdly niche and cosy that it's an insult to readers. Such a massive shame as it could be a fantastic section as there's stacks you could do with it. Having said that, I do always read it..

seeker · 08/05/2009 13:31

Nick, how id you react/feel when your wife's reaction to coming home and finding you in tears was "What have you done?"?

Nonparent · 08/05/2009 13:31

wow - it must be great to be so perfect mums! heard about this thread from my childfree forum. couldn't quite believe it. precisely one of the many reasons i would never have kids. i think you could even be narked that your secret club of how wonderful parenthood is to be exposed. from what i've seen it's not all roses and maybe if people actually admitted it there wouldn't be so many crap parents out there thinking it was a walk in the park. i wonder how your dh's actually feel? have you even asked them i wonder? I don't read the guardian family and couldn't think of anything worse but good on someone who is bloody honest for once. now shouldn't you all be looking after your baybees?

whodathoughtit · 08/05/2009 13:31

Just thinking about the Living With Teenagers thing and wondering whether you think it's ethical to write about your children.

Everything you have written can be read by them when they are older, including the 'reluctant parent' stuff. You might think it won't matter but to a teenage girl it probably will.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 08/05/2009 13:32

Fair point Nick. I wasn't thrust unplanned into parenthood - however I felt almost as clueless as dh when faced with our baby for the first time and in some ways it was his faith in me that helped me through the first months.

Does your dw nag you into your half of the housework or it is less acrimonious than that (I have to nag and I hate it!)?

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 08/05/2009 13:32

"Nick, I see your book had had three 5 star reviews on Amazon..... That is a good start."

Probably from dads who have read the book and then gone "look I'm not as bad as I could be" to their wives/partners..

..disclaimer... I haven't read the reviews or the book..I am sure it answers many unanswered questions from the article and I hope someone else on MN is going to spend their hard-earned cash on it and then tell us...

TrillianAstra · 08/05/2009 13:32

I know Libras - was one of the things that sounded better in the article.

When women post here saying 'I want another baby but DP/H doesn't' the general response is that men don't understand a woman's physical need for another child, or something like that. So is it really so bad for a man to say to his wife 'okay, if you want a baby let's have a baby' even if he doesn't really really want one himself?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 08/05/2009 13:33

PMSL @ nonparent. Do you all sit around on your childfree forum talking about how awful parents are then? That must be fun.

rubyslippers · 08/05/2009 13:33

if you think MN mums class themsleves as perfect you have NO Clue what MN is about

we all know parenthood is not a bed of roses

and eugh @ baybees

Fennel · 08/05/2009 13:34

Voltaire, I would like to read an article on this by a woman though, because I do understand you can't tell beforehand whether a partner will make a good parent.

But I think the woman's perspective as the partner of such a man would be more interesting than hearing about yet another man finding parenthood hard.

morningpaper · 08/05/2009 13:34

Nonparent: Shouldn't you be busy touring South American in your VW campervan or something?

whodathoughtit · 08/05/2009 13:34

You sound very busy nonparent.

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/05/2009 13:35

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Merrylegs · 08/05/2009 13:35

(us parents are v. good at passive/aggressive grins btw)

bigmouthstrikesagain · 08/05/2009 13:35

OOh MN can we have a live discussion with 'Nonparent' one day that really would be fun!

RumourOfAHurricane · 08/05/2009 13:36

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Nonparent · 08/05/2009 13:36

no ladyg we just like to see what we could be missing out on, some people jump ship and become parents. alternative views and choices are allowed you know

NickDuerden · 08/05/2009 13:36

Libras: when I was researching the book, I spoke to several other fathers and the occasional child psychologist, and many told me that it is entirely common for men not to be so initially enthusiastic about starting a family. I loved my girlfriend and I wanted to be with her, so when she told me that she wanted to start a family - with me - I tried to come around to the idea. I really did want to want children, and I imagined/hoped that the feelings would follow through - as eventually they did. If I overanalysed my feelings - in my head as well as in the book - it's because I didn't want to make the same mistakes so many people make. I didn't want to be a bad father. I didn't want my relationship with my girlfriend to end. I wanted everything to be good. A baby, for me, represented a step into the unknown, and it scared me. I'd say that's natural, no?

I'm inclined to agree that not everyone is going to be interested in every last detail of everyone's family life, but the very popularity of mumsnet rather suggests that it is a topic of, actually, real interest. There is a division between me and some of my old friends now because I have children and they don't. We have made new friends with people who also have children, and we spend much of our time talking about them. And by the time they hit two years old, I find them completely fascinating. They are learning their way in the world and, in the case of my daughter at least, asserting herself in ways I still don't dare to. This, of course, is stating the bleeding obvious to all parents out there who have already been through this. But I never have. It's all still new to me.

smee · 08/05/2009 13:37

Methinks I smell a whiff of troll nonparent

Voltaire · 08/05/2009 13:37

Nonparent - Please link to your childfree forum so I can wade in and rant a bit whilst entirely missing the point.

morningpaper · 08/05/2009 13:38

Nonparent you are missing out on a vagina like Kent's cavern and years of bitterness and toil

does that help at all?

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