I can't agree with this enough, the way my local NHS hospital treated my DH when DS2 was being born was a disgrace.
I came into full labour very quickly and DS2 was decelling, so the labour had to be forced rushed with a doctor dialating me the last 2/3 cm.
DS2 was then delivered and quickly placed in the resuscitator under the heat lamp, DH saw the midwife point something out to the doctor but when he asked what they were looking at they dismissed it as nothing.
At this point I was bleeding badly and they were administering the drugs to help the placenta detach. DH picked up our lovely DS2 for the first time and immediately realised that he had down syndrome and something wrong with his legs, again none of the staff mentioned anything.
So there he was holding DS2, me bleeding everywhere and confused to what is happening and him in shock wondering how he was going to tell me that our new son had ds.
He couldn't really get near me to show me our new son, until around 10 minutes later when the staff gave us some room, as soon as I set my eyes on our DS2 I said he looked like he had ds, it was only then that the midwife said 'I'm glad you said that, I wasn't sure how to tell you.'.
DH apologised for not telling me sooner, but I knew it had been impossible before and he assured me everything would be ok.
My blood pressure then plummeted, through the blood loss and the doctor tried helping the placenta detach without success, by now the whole room looked like something out of a horror movie. Within minutes the room was full of people and I was rushed off to the operating theatre for them to preform a manual placenta removal.
Nobody took the time to explain to DH exactly what was happening, infact it was hardly acknowledged he was there, the trainee midwife and the midwife just concentrated on what seemed to be them taking notes from the computer and putting them onto paper, without saying anything to DH. 15 minutes after I was wheeled out he said the midwifes had left and he was sat in this room with DS2 in his arms whilst a cleaner was mopping up all the blood around his feet, he says it was one of the most surreal moments of his life.
An hour after I had been taken to theatre he was still sat in this empty room and not one person had been to tell him what was happening or how I was, not to be melodramtic about it but he said he was sat there, shell shocked about the down syndrome and wondering how they were going to cope on their own (DS1 is 5 and profoundly autistic), he honestly thought I was dead.
20 minutes later the registar came and verbally confirmed that she was 99% positive that DS2 did indeed have down syndrome and bi-lateral talipes, but they would have to do some blood tests later to confirm it. The registar couldn't tell him how I was as she didn't know.
Another 10 minutes later the trainee midwife, who had been assisting the delivery came to the room and said that DH had to come with her and take DS2 to the transitional care ward. DH refused to go anywhere until someone found out what was happening with me, she went off to check.
I was in recovery and DH was allowed to see me briefly before having to go to transitional care ward. It had been an hour and a half since I was wheeled off, the placenta removal had only took a fraction of this time, but no one thought that DH might like to know that I was ok
I joined DH in the transitional care ward around 20 minutes later, we were allowed 20 minutes together before DH was asked to leave!
Now although we have both lived in the 'world' of special needs for quite a while now, we were still a bit shocked and this was the time that we really needed each other most, however our emotional needs obviously weren't important.
DH couldn't see either of us until late moring the next day when visiting hours began and had to stick to the visiting hours for the following week that we spent in there.
Because DS2 had down syndrome and bi-lateral talipes he had to have several tests, heart scans, renal scans, physio assessment and what seemed like a million blood tests, some of which DH had to miss because of the visiting hours.
During this week, DH was hardly asked his name, let alone had things discussed with him, his opinion asked for or dare I say it, support offered.
I think it is an absolute disgrace that in this day and age of equality of opportunity and anti-discrimination practice that the NHS (or at the very least, my hospital) could treat my DH and men in general which such disregard.
The sooner we accept that men can indeed play an important role in delivery and beyond, the better.
As a side note, the delivery of DS1 was no better with DH being sent home as I 'wasn't going to give birth for hours', only for me to almost immediately go into full blown labour.
As soon as he got home there was a message on the answering maching for him to come back, but by then I wasn't at all with it because of the gas and air. I know if DH was with me from the start, he would of helped me regulate the amount of gas and air a lot better, like he did with DS2's delivery.
I can hardly remember anything about the delivery of DS1 and that really upsets me.
DS1 was also born at night and DH was sent home with 10 minutes of me being placed on the maternity ward that time, luckily I only had to spend a couple of days in hospital with DS1.
However DH does feel that he missed out on a lot with DS1 but the restaining visiting hours keeping us apart, the first few days to bond with your child really are the most important, both for mother and father.
Unfortunately, because of the complications with DS2's birth, we have to have hospital births for all future deliverys, I just hope that by the next time we have to use the materity ward at my local hospital, it will have stopped being the medical version of 'ashes to ashes'.