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Original poster

Neighbour screaming abuse at her kids

99 replies

dawnie1 · 19/11/2004 17:35

We had new neighbours move in about 6 months ago, initially all seemed fine with them but the kids seemed very withdrawn and quiet. Recently the mother has been screaming the most horrendous stuff at her 2 children. She has a daughter of 10 years and a boy of 7 years. It started with the odd row - no swearing or verbal abuse just shouting but has now escalated into every morning and night, it goes on for atleast 20 mins and she says the most awful things- example at 7:30 this morning she burst into her daughters room (next to ours) and screamed 'I f...ing hate you, I hate you you little bi..., I wish I'd had an abortion, you are disgusting' and this type of things happends so regularly now - she then went into her sons room and screamed the same at him !!??!! Poor, poor children . I know that she has just been signed off work for 6 weeks for depression because she cannot cope with having the house decorated - she has freely admitted to me that she is obsessed with her house being immacualately tidy but FGS her poor children. Last week she was seen running out of her house after her 7 year old son with a tennis racket to hit him, later after she had calmed down she explained that he had lay down on her bed after she had spent at least 10 minutes making it-FGS - I can't understand it. I don't know what to do, if anything, but those poor children ??????? HELP, any advise would be greatly apreciated.

OP posts:
Freckle · 19/11/2004 17:38

Contact either the NSPCC or social services. It sounds as though the children might well be in danger. OK so their mum is depressed, but they need protecting. Chances are that she will just be given support rather than anything drastic, such as removing the children.

You can report it anonymously.

colette · 19/11/2004 17:51

I agree with freckle, it must be aweful to hear it let alone be a child on the receiving end. Poor kids

MummyToSteven · 19/11/2004 17:53

agree with freckle. it sounds like things are escalating, e.g. the tennis racket incident, so I think it would be in everybody's best interests if the mother/kids could receive some extra support asap.

Original poster
dawnie1 · 19/11/2004 18:03

Really, do you really think I should do that ? I'd feel awful reporting another mother to social services but the children shouldn't be exposed to that type of abuse. In a cowardly way I wouldn't want her to know it was me but then again quite a few of the neighbours saw her with the tennis reacket last week so it could be any one of us. If I knew her better I'd try talking to her but I really don't know her at all. I do think you're right, I feel desperately sorry for her children, if anything physical should happen to them it would be dreadful. Have you any idea what social services would do? I do think she needs help but they might not see it that way.

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colditzmum · 19/11/2004 18:13

do they go to a local school? you could make a call to the school and its in their hands then. you have to say something to someone, it sounds like she isn't coping.

Original poster
dawnie1 · 19/11/2004 18:15

Thats a good idea, thats what I'll do. Yes they do go locally, I recognise their uniform so it'll be easy to find out the schools details.

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merlot · 19/11/2004 18:19

Good Luck Please do something. Those kids dont deserve that treatment

Original poster
dawnie1 · 19/11/2004 18:25

I'll definately call the school on Monday, hopefully they'll call the kids in and have a chat with them. I do know that I have to do something but the thought of involving social services in somebody elses life seems wrong - social services seem so inept that they would probably make the situation worse (Apologies to anybody out there from social services, I know its the law that prevents you doing more). If the school could talk to the children and then call in the parents for a chat it might force her to calm down or seek help or direct her anger elsewhere. I should have thought of that before, didn't cross my mind.

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colette · 19/11/2004 18:27

GoodLuck dawnie1

littlemissbossy · 19/11/2004 18:34

Hi dawnie... I too was in a similar position a few years ago with my neighbour from hell and her son, who she verbally abused on a daily basis "get up those stairs, you f*ing little ba$tard" was a particular favourite of hers. At the time I chose not to get involved as they quickly moved on, but really regretted not having had the courage to get involved. Then months later, I read in our local newspaper that she had attacked her boyfriend with a golf club during an argument - all witnessed by her son. Your neighbour is clearly depressed and needs help herself, but those children have done nothing to deserve that sort of treatment.
If I ever find myself in that position again, I wouldn't hesitate to contact the NSPCC. HTH good luck

Blu · 19/11/2004 18:37

I'm not sure that it will work like that, Dawnie -I think the school may well tell you to call SS if you are worried, or do it themselves. I certainly don't think a school would be prepared to dicuss one of their pupils with someone they don't know. I would phone the NSPCC or SS, tbh. It is what they are there for. Feels horrid, I'm sure, but if the children are at risk, it's the best thing to do, if ultimately they are ok, and all the mum needs is some help and suppport, then that route should secure it. I also think it breaches their privacy to call a third party - the school.

merlot · 19/11/2004 18:38

go with your heart dawnie , but cant help wondering if you just leave it with the school the kids might be too scared to say anything.

merlot · 19/11/2004 18:39

blu and I crossed posts, but I agree with Blu.

Poshpaws · 19/11/2004 18:43

As far as I am aware, SS are not there to make the mother feel bad. They should assess the situation and find ways to help the family stay together by putting measures in place.

I agree with some of the others - the school will probably either tell you to contact SS or they will do it themselves (althougg maybe not if the kids go to school regularly and the staff have not seen or heard anything themselves).

Good luck whatever you do, but please do something!

hmb · 19/11/2004 18:44

I don't think that the school will be able to report anything that they haven't seen themselves. I can understand why you don't want to call the ss yourself, but I don't see what the school can do if they haven't got evidence themselves IYSWIM

acer · 19/11/2004 18:52

could you not approach her? maybe about the noise, say it is upsetting your children, ask her if she needs anything, otherwise you must tell someone like ss. Good luck

moomina · 19/11/2004 18:53

Dawnie, I can completely understand how you feel but I have to agree with everyone who says going to the school is probably not enough. They are unlikely to do anything on a neighbour's 'hearsay' - I know it's not that really but YKWIM, I hope. I honestly think you need to contact SS. I used to live next door to a family somewhat like that - screaming at all hours, kids being whacked and yelled at for the slightest thing, etc. The police came around one night because the mother was dangling her baby out of the 3rd floor window .

I know it's a difficult decision but I always regret not going to SS about them.

mishmish · 19/11/2004 19:07

Hi dawnie, does it happen at regular times? Could you get your HV to come to your house so s/he could hear it? Then it would be their responsibility to report it and get SS involved quickly. Good luck x

WigWamBam · 19/11/2004 19:19

You need to talk to someone, as much for the mother's sake as the children. It sounds to me as if she has OCD or other mental health issues as well as depression, and she needs help. Have you thought about the NSPCC ? Perhaps you could ring their hotline or leave an email asking what their advice would be.

Original poster
dawnie1 · 19/11/2004 19:30

She is at it again, its not loud enough to hear what she is saying but she is shouting at them again. Her husband is home now also -how can he witness his kids going through this and do nothing ? I think I will also phone the NSPCC tomorrow and see what they say.
It does happen at regular times - first thing in the morning before they go to school and again around about now - HV wouldn't be here at these times. I also wouldn't want to approach her about it, I don't think I know her well enough and its quite a sensitive situation. She used to be friendly and chat with us but she has also withdrawn and doesn't make eye contact any more - I think she is embarrassed, she has to know that we can hear her.

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mishmish · 19/11/2004 19:35

how awful for you, and for the little ones of course. I think the NSPCC idea is excellent advice. Good luck and thank goodness there are people like you who care enough to act, for all their sakes.

Demented · 19/11/2004 19:55

Definately agree with the advice to call the NSPCC, I believe you can make an anonymous call to them. Having been on the receiving end of a situation when I was accused of child abuse (can I please just say falsely) and the person who made the claim chose to go through my DS1's nursery this was the most hurtful thing ever, the School will be obliged to inform the Social Services, please involve no more people than you have to.

Original poster
dawnie1 · 19/11/2004 20:15

Demented thanks for that - I do not want to cause any more problems for the kids. My dh has also just said if I told the school that might be the only place the kids get away from it and they might not want their teachers to know/get involved. I'll phone the NSPCC and ask their advice tomorrow.
'I'm totally sick of you, get out into the garden you little fu.... , I don't want you here anymore' has just come through the walls at maximum volume

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ChicPea · 19/11/2004 21:13

ColditzMum, I don't think the school would do anything. I have a friend who is a school teacher and when she expressed concern over a child who she thought was being abused, the headmaster was just not interested. She said there is a lot of form filling and involvement with the Social Services which takes time and energy and generally schools don't want to get involved, especially when they have OFTED reports/inspections to get on with.
Could you knock on your neighbour's door when her kids are at school and invite her in for coffee? You might not even want her in your house (!) after her colourful language and her total disregard for her children and their feelings but you could have a chat and her problems may all come pouring out do you really want to hear them?) or you could ask her how she is and see what she says. You could tell her you hear that there are difficulties - difficult I know - and ask her if she can get any help.
What is sad is that there are children EVERYWHERE being treated like this and they have no escape whatsoever and they are expected to grow up into normal, balanced, happy human beings who will at some stage raise their own family. How do they stand a chance when they have had years of torture and violence and abuse from one or both of their parents who are supposed to absolutely CHERISH their children. How sad is that?

Slinky · 19/11/2004 21:54

Chicpea

I thought that schools had a duty to report suspected child abuse/neglect.

I know when I was working at a nursery, we had a step-by-step procedure that had to be followed with regards to the Children Act.

Perhaps you should print off the following and hand it to your friend??

this