I'm Jack Monroe. Ask me anything.

[MxJackMonroe]

Hi Mumsnet.

It seems every time I am in the news, a MN thread about all things transgender crops up. I didn't see the last one (yesterday?) as I don't come on here very often these days - people who eavesdrop etc etc. I was cooking in a tent in a muddy field all day, having a ball, not googling myself on the internet!

The thread was deleted - which was nothing to do with me, nor my lawyer. The day I call him about a MN thread is the day I pack everything in for good. So far only the Mail and Hopkins have had legal action taken against them, and both for quite serious statements. I'm not rich enough nor quite bothered enough to call him every time someone says mean words on the internets.

ANYWAY. Threads about me tend to get deleted. So here's a new one. Because there are clearly some questions that keep coming up, criticisms that I could answer, speculation I could clarify and untruths that could do with correction.

So I'm taking questions. I'm an adult and I take an awful lot of criticism and unkindness online, on the chin. I am pretty mentally stable right now, and feel this could be a constructive discussion.

In order to stop this descending into pandemonium, using general 'chair' rules, to start with I'll take one question from each user - if it's quiet and everything gets answered, feel free to add follow up questions.

It doesn't have to be about boobs, dresses, hormones. Literally ask me anything.

MN - please don't delete this thread. I think people have valid things to say and I'm here with my big girl/boy pants on to hear them.

Over to you.

On the "what is a woman?" tip, here is a slightly different question:

What gender am I?

The body I want to have is slim, breastless (not flat chested - literally without breasts - I have fed two children and I am not having any more) and with a vagina. I would be the same height as I am - 5'4" - have the same face and hair, have wiry hard-muscled supple limbs and a flat belly. I would wear trousers and and shirts sometimes, and look good in them because they would hang well on my lean body. Other times I would wear dresses and look completely fabulous, with a lovely collarbone out and slim, neat pretty arms. What gender am I? And what do I say to get help in having my body surgically altered to be like that?

In terms of personality: I am analytic, and creative; I have few deep emotional relatinships but have learnt to be, or pretend to be, more empathetic than comes naturally

Gender diagnose me!

FloraFox: Jack I don't see any indication that you have actually engaged with any of the points people have made on here about using non-binary as a label for personality and the harm it causes to women by saying you are not a woman because you like boy things. When you post things like the New Scientist piece which basically says the opposite to the concept of being non-binary, it makes me wonder if you have thought about this critically or whether you are mainly influenced by the trend to uncritically embrace trans notions because you see yourself as progressive, kind and inclusive.

I have no real system for answering questions but I hope I will get around to all of them. Some of the more complex ones will have to be tackled when I am not restricted to typing on my phone, and not trying to entertain a 6 year old. I am engaging, but some questions will take more thought than ones about olive oil and biscuits. I started this myself to engage, please don't accuse me of not engaging just because I am taking time to consider more complex questions, ffs.

Maudlin

I can't.

A practical question and also a personal one..

What does your son call you? Having 'different' parents can be hard for children and we live in a world of 'mum, dad. mother. father'.

Also - when you go to a public toilet or changing rooms, where do you go to be comfortable and safe?

TheDuchyOfGrandFenwick: What is your favorite homemade meal? I'm looking for inspiration for tomorrows main meal.

Curry, always curry. Simple and delicious. I like mushroom rogan josh, kormas, jalfrezis, Nepalese curries, every kind of curry.

Well done for starting this thread and responding graciously. I tend to avoid the trans threads on MN due to the clear hostility toward trans people and the (IMO) irrelevant solutions-in-search-of-a-problem emphasis.

As a child, I categorically refused to wear dresses, rejected dolls, invariably chose to be male characters during imaginative play, etc. However, I never once felt that inside I was a boy or meant to be a boy. So I truly have no idea what it feels like to be trans. But I am not arrogant enough to assert that my experience must be the same as everyone else's. Trans people exist, and I see no reason to demand that their experience of themselves must rigidly adhere to anyone else's. I'm glad we live in a time that allows for more openness about these topics, though I think we have a long way to go (as many threads on MN prove, alas) in terms of acceptance.

What do you think of people who believe they should have been born blind/without legs, etc and want their bodies altered accordingly?

What do you think about those who say they were born the wrong race?

Is "wrong gender" different from these examples and, if so, why?

Can you describe gender without using sex stereotypes?

Soren I 100% agree with your post at 16:14.
Kudos to you Jack, for starting this thread. You're fab.

Jack -
Part of me really doesn't care if you identify as a lesbian. But part of me thinks that it will only harm lesbians. Lesbians are told all the time by men that they must fancy some men. If some who call themselves lesbians do have sex with men and are open to relationships with men, does that not just make it harder for actual lesbians who would never ever have sex with a man?

Jack, I think you're coming across really well on this thread. Clever, funny and open to answering tricky questions.

I am a woman biologically but don't identify as anything other than a human. Do you think "transitioning" to non binary is just the same as asking to be treated as a person without expectations of gender stereotypes?

Giving this a label and suggesting it is something we need to transition into is to undo the work of many years of feminism?

Also, in total agreement with the Robins re bisexuality. I hate speaking to others about my sexuality as it's assumed I'm a closet lesbian, attention seeking or in the business of seeking to titilate men with my attraction to women. Lesbians do not have their sexuality questioned in the same way as bisexual women ime.

Lesbians do have their sexuality questioned a lot.
How can you know you are a lesbian if you have never had sex with a man?
Maybe you just haven't met the right man?
It is VERY common.

sorenofthejnaii: A practical question and also a personal one.. What does your son call you? Having 'different' parents can be hard for children and we live in a world of 'mum, dad. mother. father'. Also - when you go to a public toilet or changing rooms, where do you go to be comfortable and safe?

My son calls me Mama, because that is what he has always known and I saw no need to impose a change on him. He also knows 'Mama is like a girl sometimes and like a boy sometimes' and that my 'singing voice has changed'. He went through a phase of MamaPapa but that was more to do with the Barbapapa books we were reading at the time. Sometimes MamaBear.

Re public toilets, it depends on how I present. If I am in full drag, chest binder and suit etc, I will sometimes use the mens, if only to avoid being thrown out of the womens. But only if there are stalls. Usually I use the ladies. When I have my son, no matter how I am dressed, we both use the ladies. When on my period, I use the ladies, as there are rarely facilities in the mens for tampons etc.

Come on Jack. You know we all want to know.

What's your favourite 'dirty food'? Mine's own brand onion rings and pickled onions (not at the same time). Greasy, salty, yet satisfying.

The discussion on here seems to be leading in the direction that the vast majority of us are non-binary - the only people who aren't are the self proclaimed 'girlie' women and 'blokey' men and I will bet most of those have times when they step outside that.

Doesn't that make 'non-binary' into a meaningless phrase? The real problem is the social expectation that anyone actually would be binary in this way, a battle feminists have been fighting for years.

practy: Part of me really doesn't care if you identify as a lesbian. But part of me thinks that it will only harm lesbians. Lesbians are told all the time by men that they must fancy some men. If some who call themselves lesbians do have sex with men and are open to relationships with men, does that not just make it harder for actual lesbians who would never ever have sex with a man?

I think the kind of men who perpetuate this probably aren't going to be holding me up as an example.

originalmavis: Come on Jack. You know we all want to know. What's your favourite 'dirty food'? Mine's own brand onion rings and pickled onions (not at the same time). Greasy, salty, yet satisfying.

Ketchup on white toast as a quick fix never fails to hit the spot.

Do you think you 'pass' as a male sufficiently that you would be challenged in the female loo and not challenged in the male loo? I think you're probably wrong there

Lesbians do have their sexuality questioned a lot.

I know they do, practy. I suppose what I should have added is that bisexual women tend to face cynicism from within both the straight and gay community.
Lesbians don't tend to question the sexuality of other lesbians.

My 2p worth especially re kids /teens - why do they have to be gendered at all?

Yes you may have anatomical male or female genes and genitalia , but you feels inside " like you" don't you? I don't know if I feel " like a woman" except that that construct has been applied by society.

I guess it's a but Utopian to say be who you are, wear what you like and (in the context of a consensual adult relationship) do what you like with who you like in what ever combination of anatomy you like , as long as it hurts no one?

It'd take so much angst out of life wouldn't it- all those school uniform issues, what to wear on that big night out , what toys my child " should" play with, who it's " right" to sleep with etc etc

In the 21st century why does skin colour matter not a bit in terms of who you are/what you can do and yet those pesky X and Y chromosomes still do- well apart from making sure an XX and XY meet to reproduce.... but we can let co of social " norms" which seem to be there to ensure the survival of the species. If we survive as a race it's not going to be affected by what gender we identify with or don't now is it??

MephistoMarley: Do you think you 'pass' as a male sufficiently that you would be challenged in the female loo and not challenged in the male loo? I think you're probably wrong there

It has happened several times in the female loo and never in the male ones. Usually nightclub toilets where they have attendants but I have had snarky comments from women too about 'this is the ladies'. I get called Sir sometimes in restaurants. Chatted up by gay men in sex shops. One quite crap incident where I was browsing in Prowler and a guy made a grab for my crotch and got VERY angry when there was nothing of note there. I politely pointed out that I should be the angry one that he felt he had the right to grope me, rather than his indignation that the subject of his unwanted aggressive sexual advances didn't have a cock.

It happens. Please don't tell me I am wrong about my own experiences.

I'm just wondering if in years to come people will just find a place on the gender spectrum and be happy in that niche. I suppose mostly binary people but a huge proportion finding their own placing to really be themselves. Not quite sure of the exact terminology but my sons friends - male and female - are very happy and comfortable to experiment with their orientation, maybe adding on a gender dimension to that will become more common. We no longer need marriage, or a male and a female to make babies, interesting and maybe kinder times ahead.

"When I have my son, no matter how I am dressed, we both use the ladies"

This is very telling. Why is that then?

Thanks for this thread by the way. Especially to those voicing very well why gender is a social construct used to oppress biological women and being "queer" or "trans" or whatever doesn't change that.

You say that, jack, but they will and they do.

It's not about some 'kind of men'. It's women too - including women who are lesbians.

If you go around saying that straight women kiss their mates, and lesbians sometimes like to sleep with men too, you do make people think that all women's sexuality is up for negotiation.

As I say, I do understand why you shy away from 'bisexual' as a term and I also understand why you might want a 'best fit' label - I am in a similar boat here - but I don't think we can ignore this as an issue.

The discussion on here seems to be leading in the direction that the vast majority of us are non-binary - the only people who aren't are the self proclaimed 'girlie' women and 'blokey' men

I would agree with that OddBoots. Isn't this just about equality? This quote from Jack in The Guardian "I want to be treated as a person, not as a woman or a man" is all that anyone wants isn't it?