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Original poster

Following on from Leslie Ash, Amanda Platell's idea of the 95% marriage - what do you think?

127 replies

Tinker · 04/05/2004 16:22

Haven't got a link but AP was all over the medai last week saying it's ok if a bloke (or woman) knocks their partner about a bit every few years or so as long as the remaining 95% of the relationship is good. This is based on her friend confiding in her. I would say her friend may not be telling her the whole truth and is looking for some support and permisssion to leave. Maybe.

Should you put up with any violence in a relationship? Discuss

OP posts:
Blu · 05/05/2004 16:25

And I agree re making aggressors feel it's ok.

Crunchie · 05/05/2004 18:34

I think Kalex and Twinkle have hit the nail on the head when they say the emaotional scars are the worst to get over and that is why min eand I can assume Dinasaur's relationships are good ones. It is not violent abuse, there is no emotional torment, so we don't spend days being scared or worrying, there are plenty of 100% happy days. My understanding of this 95% thing is that so many more women stay in abusive relationships that is mental torture, rather than physical. Therefore if your relationship is not one of these then a minor incident is not a problem.

hercules · 05/05/2004 18:39

Sorry but just cant see it.

hercules · 05/05/2004 18:42

Very interseting discussion though. Are you saying isolated incidents of violence are managable or even acceptable? Am i seeing it too black and whitely?

kalex · 05/05/2004 18:51

Hercules,
I stayed in a violent relationship, because afpart from the regular violence he had me belive that I was useless and nobody else would want me!

Which I believed, and couldn't find myself within.

I am with you it is black or white - if somebody hits me or emotionally abuses me, I'm out that door.

hercules · 05/05/2004 18:51

Glad you got out

Original poster
Tinker · 05/05/2004 18:55

But I think it isn't black and white though hercules. The bloke who uses psychological abuse and creates an atmosphere of menace and may hit the woman is a world away from the relationships Crunchie and Dinosaur are describing I think. Hence, why I asked yesterday if you have been in a good healthy relationship for years and out of the blue you had a row which resulted in someone smacking the other would you walk out?

OP posts:
hercules · 05/05/2004 18:58

I hope I would. Very hard to say though for definite but I hope so. I may be wrong as havent reread their messages but I dont think in their exapmples it was a one off incident completely out of the blue. Correct me if I'm wrong though as I havent reread but will do now.

Original poster
Tinker · 05/05/2004 19:00

For those who say it's zero tolerance, what about if your partner believes that smacking kids is ok and you don't? How do you resolve that? Is that an instant walk-out situation as well? Sincerely am just curious.

OP posts:
hercules · 05/05/2004 19:02

I dont feel comfortable tbh discussing their relationships and using them as examples. Their business really.
I certainly couldnt hold a normal conversation with a certain other mumsnetters dh who posted despite that person being very happy in their relationship which to me is abusive.
Very difficult thing, perhaps not so clearcut after all.

hercules · 05/05/2004 19:03

Good point about the smacking. I couldnt allow dh to smack and I know if he wanted to use this way of disciplining then for my kids I would leave.

hercules · 05/05/2004 19:04

Smacking is using violence. What else could it be?

kiwisbird · 05/05/2004 19:20

I have been assaulted before within a relationship but the whole relationship was based on fear manipulation and isolation. I got out, called the cops and prosecuted and left town, job and took my son out of school to protect ourselves.
However I can understand the line of though that if you have one major blowout in an otherwise strong relationship it is possible maybe to overcome it, but I know it is not a possibility (at least for me) for a relationship to funstion normally where there is fear.
But for me, if I was hit in anger as a loss of control then I would leave.
For me it is black and white, but I can see for others how it is grey

kiwisbird · 05/05/2004 19:22

And on the smacking thing, it was something we resolved before we ever had children. We prefer not to.

essbee · 05/05/2004 23:16

Message withdrawn

Crunchie · 06/05/2004 14:29

I am sorry that others cannot see my points about my relationship

I am not looking for anyway out - neither is DH - and although I do see your all of your other opinions, I don't believe they are relevant in our case. Must just check with DH Perhaps I should ask DH to post to explain his side as I am assuming that Hercules you wouldn't feel comfortable holding a 'normal' conversation with me as you think I am in an abusive relationship.

That is a shame as I know that we do not have an abusive relationship and that I am sorry you cannot see that shades of grey really do work. Like I previously posted what actually happens with us is that we start a row, which gets heated, I get really angry with him (for whatever reason) he gets angry at me (for whatever reason) then - maybe 3 or 4 times in 8 years I have hit him on the shoulder or back (a slap I think) in the corse of our row. He has got angry and punched the wall or door - fist through one (!) or thrown a chair (twice). These rows have a natural end, we BOTH apoligise, we try to look at what caused it (!) but we never dwell on then, he doesn't mentally abuse me, nor I him. I would say these 'minor incidents' have happened due to a series of occurences, usually hormonal (a while back a brand of the pill caused me to have massive PMT), and dh's depression.

Bear in mind I am the one that has hit him, he is the one that throws things I know that some of you feel I abuse him because of this, but surely we are both in the wrong, and although 2 wrongs don't make a right at least we are both equally as bad.

Original poster
Tinker · 06/05/2004 14:34

I see you point of view Crunchie. As I said, it's not black and white.

OP posts:
Crunchie · 06/05/2004 14:34

One question for you all, is it worse it the man uses violence or the woman?

If dh gave me a slap as I give him, it would b**dy hurt me, a damn sight more than when I have hit him. He would be able to send me flying, but he never has. Bear in mind he is about twice my size. I wish some of you knew me and dh, as you would see that I am not a monster abuser, but I do have a bit of a temper.

hercules · 06/05/2004 14:36

No crunchie!!!
I didnt explain myself very well at all!!!
I meant to say that it is confusing and maybe not as black and white as I thought as I have NO problem discussing anything under the sun with you or your dh for that matter but I do have a problem discussing even the price of bread with the other imposter mumsnetter!!
That is why it is confusing!!!
It seems strange to me that on the one hand I can say sero tolerance and feel distaste for the imposter who we know is abusive but on the other hand I feel no discomfort talking to you so there must be a difference.
Hard to explain but i hope you see what I mean. So sorry to make you feel that way.

hercules · 06/05/2004 14:38

I dont think you are a monster abuser.
Maybe that is the difference. You know you are not actually going to hurt dh, more venting frustration in a way that you know wont actually hurt him?

Crunchie · 06/05/2004 14:48

That's it Hercules I know I am not actually going to hurt him, and his shoulder is softer to hit than a door, he has knackered his knuckles doing that

I am unsure who you were talking about then, are you able to tell me?

hercules · 06/05/2004 14:52

Thought it was obvious. Don't like to mention someones do who's not here but Lavender1's dh.

Crunchie · 06/05/2004 15:07

I hardly ever look at the relationship threads, so must have missed that one

hercules · 06/05/2004 15:08

Bloomin heckers!

thingy · 06/05/2004 15:10

I've BTDT too, and I would say that most of the problem in my case was the endless terror..not that I was recovering from a physical hit..but that it might happen at any time, and for any reason.
Trivial things take on so much significance if you think they may be the trigger to whether you're going to spend another evening trying to decide whether to wake the children and run for it.

It wasn't a 95% relationship..it was 100% fear - unrelentless..all the time.

I have changed my name as I know some MN'ters in real life and I am still with dh.. after counselling, the fear is gone...and although his temper is still here, he takes 'responsibility' for it and apologises afterwards.

Crunchie -you said that you both apologise and don't dwell on it..I guess that's why you have a 'happy marriage' (much the same as the marriage I am in now..and wouldn't leave for the world)