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Original poster

Following on from Leslie Ash, Amanda Platell's idea of the 95% marriage - what do you think?

127 replies

Tinker · 04/05/2004 16:22

Haven't got a link but AP was all over the medai last week saying it's ok if a bloke (or woman) knocks their partner about a bit every few years or so as long as the remaining 95% of the relationship is good. This is based on her friend confiding in her. I would say her friend may not be telling her the whole truth and is looking for some support and permisssion to leave. Maybe.

Should you put up with any violence in a relationship? Discuss

OP posts:
hmb · 04/05/2004 18:53

I don't think that I could love or respect a man who hit me in anger. And I need to be able to do both of these things. And I don't think that I could ever trust him again. And I would expect him to say the same thing of me.

WideWebWitch · 04/05/2004 18:56

No pph, I've never read anything she's written and thought it was good either. Load of pants this 5% nonsense. ffs!

Hulababy · 04/05/2004 19:09

Tinker - I ahve no idea how I would react. It would be so out of character for both of us. I would be so shocked and appalled. Trouble is I think the trust would have gone by then and every arguement there would be that fear in my/his head of it reocuring. I am not sure I could live like that.

hmb · 04/05/2004 19:12

5% of the year is 18 days. So you could slap someone about a bit for two and a half weeks a year and that is OK, but if it were 3 weeks that would be bad? I'm sorry but that is just insane in my books. But each to their own I suppose.

discordia · 04/05/2004 19:29

OK, if my h hit me I'd be out the door without a backward glance BUT surely whether or not it's acceptable depends on the individual relationship? Obviously commiting ABH is not acceptable but if both partners hit out at each other occasionally and neither is intimidated is this always the end of the relationship? There was a woman on Jeremy Vine the other day in a relationship where some fisticuffs went on and she felt that it would be wrong to end an otherwise strong marriage because of it.

Moomin · 04/05/2004 19:45

On occasion I've felt very very tempted to hit out/slap dh at the height of a row and I see that as totally MY problem, not his. I've always manage to control myself before anything happens and mercifully, these rows just don't happen very often, if at all, any more.
However, I slapped him once when he was really drunk at a friend's house and he wee'd in her wardrobe. It was the middle of the night and he was stumbling about and I could see he wasn't heading for the bathroom because he was so pissed and disorientated. I felt so frustrated and ashamed that I slapped him and pushed him back onto the bed. He couldn't remember a thing the next day but I told him what I'd done (and what HE'D done to warrant this behaviour from me). We were both pretty upset by it all. It was very out of character for him to behave so appallingly by getting ridiculously drunk, and I let my anger get the better of me, so I guess that people can at times behave in an out-of-character way. I don't know if I'd be so blase about it if he'd slapped me, though?!

aloha · 04/05/2004 19:47

Amanda Platell is rubbish. Not 95% rubbish, but 100% rubbish. This is just controversial stuff to try and make her a bit famous so the Standard won't sack her.

Original poster
Tinker · 04/05/2004 19:49

Moomin - I used to get really wound-up and angry when I was younger - still do but control it better. I remember kicking my boyfriend at the time because I was so pissed off with him and him saying "You know I can never do that to you". Did pull me up a bit.

OP posts:
Paula71 · 04/05/2004 21:06

What happens if that 5% of violence ends up killing?

What a moronic thing to say - do these media types just think of something that will court controversy rather than use their common sense? No wonder this country is so upside down!

Sorry, but if DH so much as laid one finger on me, for the sake of myself and my sons he would be out on his ear! Same goes if I did the same to him!

Crunchie · 05/05/2004 10:11

I have to say DH and I have had the odd 'episode' Usually me smacking him - he has never hit me. Why is it acceptable for our realationship to continue? If the situations were reversed you would all be on at me to leave. The truth be known I think we have a 95% relationship, in that it is great most of the time, but on the rare occassions it isn't, it is hell. I couldn't beat him black and blue if I tried, he is twice my size, and I have only ever hit him on the shoulder or back out of sheer frustration. He hits the doors or throws chairs across the room or breaks something. It is horrible but it isn't often

Marina · 05/05/2004 10:59

I left a long-standing ex the very same day he shoved me across a room. I had no qualms but have never forgiven my parents entirely for their refusal to believe he'd done it.
Abusive partners are so adept at presenting a different front to relatives and friends. Amanda Platell really is a fool and should be utterly ashamed of herself (fat chance).

wobblyknicks · 05/05/2004 11:05

I think it boils down to whether the violence was enough to scare you, never mind whether you're male or female. If it scares you at all, it should never happen again, end of story. If the realationship has to break up to ensure it doesn't, so be it.

jasper · 05/05/2004 14:13

I thought her ideas ( as I had understood them discussed by others ) were pure pants till I heard her on Jeremy Vine and thought she put forward a very good case.
She did NOT say it is acceptable to get thumped, but that women who choose to stay in marriages that were 95% perfect ( NOT the same as getting thumped 5% of the time) should not be castigated by other women if their husbands hit them and they choose to stay.

At no point at all did she say it was acceptable for anyone to hit anyone.

wobblyknicks · 05/05/2004 14:17

jasper - I understand what you're saying but it puts a very bad message across. If it looks like its ok to be hit once in a while, as long as it isn't 'too often', then you get into a dangerous grey area of how much is too much.

IMHO, it would be better for a 'zero-tolerance' attitude to be put across. Then, if anyone's that confident in their relationship that they KNOW they're not in danger, then they probably aren't. Not saying people should be encouraged to leave their partners for the sake of it, but definitely if they're be abused.

wobblyknicks · 05/05/2004 14:18

I know she has the right to say what she feels but anyone in the public eye has to be careful what they say because it has such far reaching effects.

hercules · 05/05/2004 14:19

But surely even if someone is hit 5% of the time that says something about the WHOLE relationship?
Unacceptable from either party. If i hit dh i would be too ashamed to stay with him nor would i want my children to stay with me either. I would give him custody as the innocent party although i would still expect access.
Zerop tolerance.

lou33 · 05/05/2004 14:20

Is there anyone who has a 100% perfect marriage though? Not talking about being physically violent. Mine isn't.

aloha · 05/05/2004 14:21

"choosing' to stay in a violent relationship is often not really a choice at all - where do you go if he won't leave? I think Wobblyknicks makes really good points. Mind you, I don't think Leslie Ash's marriage sounds even like a 5% one to me.

juniper68 · 05/05/2004 14:31

DH and I were driving today and he waved at a guy. Turns out this guy is an ex magistrate. His nickname was slapper because some years back he had a guy in court who'd hit his girlfriend. This guy under no circumstances wanted to be in the paper. The mag said to guy 'you have no right to punch your girlfriend, a slap now and again yes but punching no'
The press were camped out in magistrates garden, girlfriend gave interview,so guy was certainly in the papers - even the times

Btw, hitting is disrespectful whether it be to adult or child. If you can't control yourself then get help.

wobblyknicks · 05/05/2004 14:31

The thing is with all these 'grey areas' many people in violent relationships don't feel supported (by society) or as if they're 'entitled' to leave, which is totally wrong IMHO.

If the opinion was extremely anti-any-violence, zero-tolerance, then I think a lot more people would be encouraged to get help. And you can't say there'd be many (if any) people who'd be badly affected by that view. Who, in a reasonably happy marriage, is going to feel forced to leave after one slap (or something else they feel is minor) just because society becomes hard on violence?

hercules · 05/05/2004 14:33

Excellent posts wobbly!

wobblyknicks · 05/05/2004 14:34

Thanks herc, and aloha - just wish I didn't speak from personal experience.

Northerner · 05/05/2004 14:34

There is a big difference IMO between an abusive relationship and occassionally 'losing your rag' it is not acceptable for a husband to abuse his partner physically, emotionally or verbally. However, like Blu and Crunchie my dh and I, very occasionally have blazing rows. I have slapped him and he has punched walls/doors etc and we've both thrown things. I'd say we have a fantastic relationship 99% of the time. But even in that 1% I dont EVER feel unsafe and that's the difference.

Twinkie · 05/05/2004 14:34

I don't for the life of me think these women 'choose' to stay - I think if they had the confidence, money, belief and somewheer to go without getting any threats, grief or more violence they would!!

Any violence whether it perpetrated by a man or a woman is wrong and shows a level of loss of control that is dangerous!!

wobblyknicks · 05/05/2004 14:35

Also, IMO, whoever let AP air these views should be feeling guilty too.