Following on from Leslie Ash, Amanda Platell's idea of the 95% marriage - what do you think?

[Tinker]

Haven't got a link but AP was all over the medai last week saying it's ok if a bloke (or woman) knocks their partner about a bit every few years or so as long as the remaining 95% of the relationship is good. This is based on her friend confiding in her. I would say her friend may not be telling her the whole truth and is looking for some support and permisssion to leave. Maybe.

Should you put up with any violence in a relationship? Discuss

In response I sometimes have felt scared by dh's anger - he's a big guy. But never what I would consider 'unsafe'.

It is an immature childish side of our relationship that I dislike, but I would say I have a great marriage and that I have never been happier. Why should we break up?

The reason we get so angry at times usually come from outside influences, such as work, money etc I get angry at him for not understanding money at times, he gets angry at me for trying to arrange our lives We have discussed councelling, but don't feel that we truely need it. He has been treated for depression, but was refered to a phsycaiatrist about 18 months ago - one appointment that took 12 months to get and promises of future stuff, but.... He is off AD's now and we are muddling through on our own.

I know some of you have been through the most horrific experiences of violence, and I understand your stance, but dh and I are equals he doesn't put me down or demean me in any way. It probably does seem odd to some of you, but we are happy and it works. I am glad I'm not the only one who has stupid rows like this.

Juniper when I first got together with DP he used to shout at the telly or at other drivers and I used to flinch and get scared that I had done something wrong - yes I could cope with it but it took me a lot of time and couunselling to realise that it was wrong and DP felt awful scaring me like it - it is not just the actual conection between the hand and the body or face but the whole situation and atmosphere that is damaging to a person.

I hoep to god that no one allows their children to see this happenning or hear it happening - that is actually classed as a form of child abuse by the NSPCC!!

my mother was never actually hit but suffered verbal abuse and fists through doors, things thrown at her etc for years. I cant condone it and say it is acceptable no matter what the rest of the relationship is like. It is shitty growing up in that type of household as well. My father will not accept still that he has a problem and would never have considered counselling. I havent spoken to him for nearly 12 years and have no regrets at all about this.

dinosaur - I'm not saying you should leave immediately but IMO you should get counselling.

crunchie - if you (and your DH) feel so comfortable in your relationship that you don't think that what we're saying applies to you, then do what you feel happy with.

Hercules, I know our kids have seen us row - another thing to feel bad about But they also see far far more of the happy side. We truly love each other and couldn't be without each other, it is not a distructive relationship. I would say it is a very honest one, at least we say how we feel and don't button anything up. Every experince will affect the kids in some way, I never saw a cross word between my parents, dh's were the same. Our familes are all together all brothers/sisters/parents still married and we see it as something to work at, not to split at a row over dirty pants left on the floor!! That is the level of childishness that set one arguement off We had a massive row where I acused him of a total lack of respect for me as he expected me to pick up his dirty pants and I wasn't going to anymore I seem to rememebr leaving thehouse for a couple of hours deciding what I would do if he wasn't there. The first hour I was really happy, thinking of it being me and the kids and no extra b*dy pants Then I wondered what the f*k I was doing leaving dh for a pair of pants, so I started laughing and went home to apoligise Life isn't perfect, and we still laugh about that row. Ultimeatly that is the thing, we both laugh about it afterwards, and both apoligise - does that sound like a bad relationship??

herc - really sorry you had to go through that and I think he's completely wrong. It's not just how you affect each other, you do have to think about your kids as well. I think your mum was actually quite lucky never to be hit because a lot of violence against objects progresses to violence against the other person.

Crunchie - after 2 yeasr fo being away from me and her fathers arguements and his violence to me DD still tells DP and I not to argue or shout if she hears us - funny thing is we don't and it will only be in jest that she does - it has effected her that much though - Idon;'t think saying the other 95% will make the kids see that you have ahaooy healthy relationship and not give them psychological problems at all - every day things are every day things it is the every so often huge things that effect us just as profoundly.

DP leaves his pants on the floor and I have actually realised that it is not because he has no respect for me but because he is a man and this does not bother him - like with children I think I would pick my battles and not get so wound up over trivia - then if we do have words DP knows I have a good reason to feel sad or aggrieved.

Oh, my daughter tells me not to shout - and I lived on my own!

Twinkie I know what you mean. I can't deny it is so bad, I feel worse about argueing in front of the kids than anything else. The violence (such as it is) has never been seen by them, but the screaming yes

I wish it didn't happen, I know we are the grown ups and should be able to control anger, but we aren't great and we do try.

Please don't think too badly of us, we are both similar and quite passonate/forceful people and therefore go ott at times

Don't be glib Tinker - my daughters reactions to arguements and violence are from watching her father hit me- I think I would probably still be there if it had not got to the stage where it affected her - sad eh!!

Twinkie I know what you mean. I can't deny it is so bad, I feel worse about argueing in front of the kids than anything else. The violence (such as it is) has never been seen by them, but the screaming yes

I wish it didn't happen, I know we are the grown ups and should be able to control anger, but we aren't great and we do try.

Please don't think too badly of us, we are both similar and quite passonate/forceful people and therefore go ott at times

dinosaur - anger management (IMO)

dinosaur - like I said before, if you and your other half feel so happy together that you don't think this could possibly apply to you, then it probably doesn't. I just think domestic violence is covered up so much it's seen as almost just another part of marriage, which is totally wrong.

I heard most of the interview on Woman's Hour with Platell, it was interesting.

dinosaur - I'm not saying that you're about to do something dreadful but a small percentage of people who can't control their anger do and there's no way to tell who it will be naturally everyone should deal with it before it gets to the stage of something happening. Sorry, that sounds muddled.

Having living through an extremely abusive first marriage, and taking a long time to leave. I think that the emotional damage that I suffered was far worse than the physical. Bruises on the skin heal, the ones inside stayed for years and affected me long after the event.

I now would walk away from a physically violent relationship without hesitition, an emotionally damaging one is far harder, as your self confidence ebbs away over a long period of time. It took about 2 years before I felt like the person I had been before the relationship.

However I think that it is really important that your children see you and your partner disagree. (Not fight) This allows them to realise that you don't always have to agree in order to have a good relationship.

oh bum.

I'll try again

Good points kalex - IMO the emotional damage is far worse than the physical (but not downplaying that AT ALL), and they go hand in hand. If UH had only hit me, I could easily have left him the first time but he was far too clever and played with my mind so much that I didn't have a clue how I really felt or what to do. That's what I feel really angry with him for now. Feel angry that he dared to lift a finger to me but feel far worse that he messed with my head for so long.

I also think you have to realise that it takes time, help and support to realise that what is happening to you is wrong, the time help and supportr also helps you become the person that you are without being frightened or worried about everything you do and say!!

How on earth do you manage to put statistics like "5 per cent" or "95 per cent" on these type of issues?! It is just crazy stupid talk trying to quantify and evaluate love, trust and happiness over fear, violence and misery. It just isn?t that simple and only some one who has not been/is not in a relationship where violence is a part of every day life would ever dream of coming up with such utter patronising and stupid nonsense.
Anyone in a relationship with a degree of violence doesn?t have "blissful wonderful 100 per cent happy days" and then out of the blue horrific ones. You have to try so hard to be happy and forget the bad moments, ignore the underlying fear that it could flare up at any time, constantly pretending that you aren?t double checking each other?s moods to second guess if ereything is going to be ok...Do I really need to go on?
I know that levels of violence can vary within different relationships and different couples can "manage" the violence more or less successfully depending on what else is going on, but to sugegst that you can quantify and so "justify" using psuedo statistics is outrageous. Who is this really for? Is it to make the victims feel justified in staying? or is to make the agressors feel that it is ok if they are nice and polite enough the rest of the time? Dodgy ethics and social message however you look at it.

I haven't read the original article, but isn't it a rather inept figure of speech rather than a scientific %?