Following on from Leslie Ash, Amanda Platell's idea of the 95% marriage - what do you think?

[Tinker]

Haven't got a link but AP was all over the medai last week saying it's ok if a bloke (or woman) knocks their partner about a bit every few years or so as long as the remaining 95% of the relationship is good. This is based on her friend confiding in her. I would say her friend may not be telling her the whole truth and is looking for some support and permisssion to leave. Maybe.

Should you put up with any violence in a relationship? Discuss

I have to say too before I get too involved and angry about this but as a woman you seem to see violence by your partner as not being as bad as a man walking up to you in the street and doing the same - one thing I said to SD ages ago that hit home was he has no right to do this because he is your husband if it were a stranger you would call the police and press charges and people would actually be more appalled than it being your partner - well to me it is more disgusting that it is your partner that it is someone who has said they loved you, shared things with you and had children with you - a stranger has no emotional or physical conection with you and so to me that is not as bad (although I depolre any kind of violence).

If these women could leave, had the supprt and back up and funds as wobbly has said I am sure they would.

I know I am waffling here but having been on the receiving end of the odd slap that escalated to horrible violence I can honestly say that no matter how cross I am or upset I respect DP that much that I would never ever raise my hand to him as much as I would not to DD. and I know he would not to me either.

Sorry said to SB.

twinkie - couldn't agree more, which is why I think the media should be responsible once in a while and take a much harder line. They should tell AP (who AFAIK has no personal experience) to keep her gob shut and listen to someone who's been through it and knows what they're talking about.

Go girl!

Hercules, should my husband leave me then?

We love each other, but like a lot of couples we row. Sometimes thoses rows escalate into screaming matches (very immature) and sometimes I have got sooooo frustrated with dh that I have thumped him on the back in sheer anger. I know I shouldn't, I should hit a pillow or whatever. When he gets into such a state he thumps a door/wall or throws something. None of this is great, but I would say I have a fantastic marriage overall, I love dh more than anything, and I am happy with him, as he is happy with me. Perhaps this is what Amanda Platell is talking about. The 5% where I hate his guts and I'm so miserable that I want to leave (for about an hour or so), the 5% of the time when PMT makes me irrationable, and the 5% that makes his depression so bad he wants to jump of a bridge and kill himself. Does this make a bad marriage? Should we split up because sometimes, just sometimes this 5% makes us lash out? Isn't our great life with 2 kids, a nice house, a great relationship worth far far more. Which would be better for our kids??

I am not condoning violence dh has never lifted a finger to me, but has scared me with his anger. But I know that is his anger, and just one emotion in his body, it is not him. As a person he is kind/loving etc etc Sometimes that 5% comes out. Would supressing it make our relationship better? Would a simmering sence of frustration and annoyence be a better environment? Or that 2 hr horrid moment once a month that we get over, never hark back on and apoligise profusely for? Personally I like my 95% marriage, I'd love a 100% one of course, but not everything is perfect.

Sorry crunchie but imo yes. Violence is unacceptable from either.

Crunchie - are either of you getting or have had help (eg for your DH'd depression?)

Sorry, but have to agree with herc, if anyone in a relationship EVER feels unsafe, they should be out of there until they can be SURE (100%) that they're safe again.

crunchie - IMO it's the same as if either of you had a terrible contagious disease - you'd still love each other but the only safe thing would be to stay away from the danger until it was cured.

But Crunchie hasn't ever said she feels unsafe has she?

Depends what she means by being scared. If she feels fine with the anger, then ok but it sounds like for the 'danger' period both of you feel unsafe IYSWIM crunchie.

I remember my mam running out of the house and thinking I'd jump out of the window if dad came upstairs. Also remember him coming into the bedroom drunk but a lot more's a blur. I had night terrors when I first moved in with my gentle DH and he once found me on the windowsill trying to get out of the window I don't have them now thank the Lord. I wouldn't even let our kids hear us havin a blazing row (we dont anyway) as they wouldn't understand. We do shout a bit but kids see it resolved.

Yes, she said he has scared her. No relationship is 100% but this doesnt maje them unhealthy. If a relationship or the people in that relationship are made to feel unsafe or are unable to control themselves then something has to change.

I think the point Crunchie was making was that, like me, she didn't feel unsafe, and neither did her partner. Neither is anyone saying it is a mature or civilized way to go on in a relationship!
I do agree that publicising this sort of thing in columns in the press and making it seem ok is irresponsible, esp when it merely gives a cachet to the writer, as Aloha says below.

Counselling is great as long as it is actually done but if the person needs it wont go for it then safety has to come first.

Counselling is great as long as it is actually done but if the person needs it wont go for it then safety has to come first.

I don't get this breaking your relationship up into percentages of time - it is as a whole - yes things are good sometimes and sometimes things are bad but you can't say oh this is only a certain percentage of the time and the rest is great - that 5% would taint every bit of my relationship and I think it very niave to think a man who losses it enough to hit a wall or a door will never hurt you especially if you hurt him physically - its only a hairs breath away believe me walls and doors often got the brunt of my x2bs temper until I pissed him off enought ot turn on me.

Hercules, that question was in response to your post of 2:19 - took me this long to post!!

I wish my mum had left my father when I was growing up. Thankfully she has now. This kind of thing will affect your kids no matter how it is the rest of the time.

Blimey this thread is running away form me

I guessed that.

Sorry if this offends anyone but IMHO if you lash out then you can't control your anger and if you can't control it, even you don't know what you could do. So why should anyone live with that risk.

If people can get their anger under control with counselling, then fine, but that's their responsibility.

I can get really angry (but only with my dad and UH, long stories there!) but the most I will ever do is shout or scream (once or twice rather excessively) but there's never even a temptation to physically lash out, even at an inanimate object.

that was in response to your 2.57 not 2.59!