Leaving children 'home alone' - what do you think?

[KateMumsnet]

Hello all

A parent is arrested for leaving their child alone every day, according to new research.

The law doesn't currently specify the age at which children can be left on their own - and charges in the last three months of last year involved children between the ages of three months and 14 years.

What do you think? How old were your DC when you left them 'home alone' - and would you like to see the age at which a child can be left unsupervised defined in law?

5madthings perfectly put. I agree wholeheartedly.

Another aside, just for entertainment value. I read about a woman who would stop her car increasing distances from home, make her child get out and find his own way home to build self confidence and independence. She did this from the age of four. He is called Richard Branson

I think as a culture we have become very risk averse. I am an occupational therapist and part of my job over the years has been to assess whether people (either elderly or with disabilities) are safe to remain at home. Often relatives and even the social workers sometimes are keen to know/ensure that that person is safely looked after in residential care, whether they are happy there or not. Often my job has been to advocate for the elderly person with dementia,or the younger disabled adult and whilst acknowledging the risk, encouraging family to accept that is okay. It may lead to a catastrophe at some stage but often that catastrophe will not be completely averted in another environment. For example, if an elderly person is at risk of falls,you do not remove that risk by them being in a residential home....they are just likely to be found sooner. A person at home with dementia might leave the gas on at home, but you can remove the gas supply.They might not take their meds but you can arrange a carer. They might be wandering at night-time and sleeping at day time...so what? However, when this risk impacts others,you have to take action. Wandering at night when you share a house with a partner/child is very disruptive. Setting fire to a first floor flat has more consequences for more people than a detached house. All these things have to be weighed up before decisions can be made and we usually try and reduce the risks as much as we can.But I definitely talk to people on a daily basis who struggle with letting their parents (or young adults with disabilities) take any of those risks as they themselves do not want to live with the anxiety of what might happen. I can see this same mentality on this thread...the what ifs? I could not live my life like that,it would be too suffocating.

Another factor in all this is where is the nearest neighbour? Who could the child go to for help if (god forbid) you were knocked down and didn't come home? or if they locked themselves out? Would the child do something daft like put something metal in the microwave and start a fire? What would happen if a dodgy type came to the door - how good is your child at judging this sort of thing and just closing the door, not letting on they are alone? How far can a child work out how to stay in one piece? Do siblings fight, or can the suspend hostilities if necessary in order to manage a situation properly? Will you child feel upset at being left alone, or proud to test out their common sense? There is NO WAY a government can legislate for all this given that there are 18 year olds who struggle with some of this stuff.

Yes there was a time I wouldn't leave ds1 and ds2 together as they would fight, they don't do that now. You have to take sibling dynamics into account and that had varied with our five. I am very aware not to want to make our older kids too responsible for siblings. But equally I want to raise them to be capable adults and that means pitching in as a family with household responsibilities. I will be damed if I raise my four boys to think mummy does everything! So they all help out whether that's with cooking or laundry etc. I can safely go out and leave a few jobs to be done, washing up or tidying etc and know they will be done and then they will play xbox or whatever.

Ah the good old days when it was always sunny and in winter it always snowed. The kids played out from dawn til dusk and no one ever got hurt/lost/abducted.... Hmmm.
Or even further back when kids of 9 were going up chimneys you know and now you're scared to leave your 9 year old alone. Hmmm.
Not really compelling arguments to be honest.

I agree Boffin entirely up to your last couple of sentences because while I accept that there are some 18 year olds who wouldn't be capable I don't think there are any 10 year olds who WOULD. We're talking about setting a minimum age not a target.

Well I can only conclude you don't know many ten year old, mine is perfectly fine at home alone for short periods and to cycle to school or nip to the shop or library. So he should be he will be at high school in just over a year. I would be worried if he wasn't learning to do these things.

My 10 year old has been out with 2 other 10 year olds on their bikes for 3.5 hours today so far. He's just called to say he's going to get chips for his lunch. My 15 year old, on the other hand, has been glued to his PS4 in his room for a similar length of time. Go figure.

Last summer we stayed at a hostel place on holiday for a few days with a group of friends and their kids. Thete was space for the kids to play safely without direct supervision. Ds3 who was nine at the time tripped over a nd split hos head open. He knew to sit down and hold a cloth on it to stem the blood flow and my 12 yr old ran and fetched me. Neither panicked, they knew what to do. Unlike other adults who freaked at the sight of blood. I then took him to a&e they were not remotely bothered that ds3 was unsupervised when the accident occurred. You can't and shouldn't watch a child of that age constantly. He tripped over a rug, he could have done the same in the sitting room at home whilst I was in the shower or cooking etc. But he knew what to do as I have taught him and he has done a first aid course. They also do first aid at school, plus he has seen me deal with siblings who have hurt themselves.

He is fine to be home alone, he knows which neighbours to knock on or he had several of my friends he cam call. I was held up recently after collecting the little two and had forgotten to leave a key so he could get in. He called a friend of mine and cycled to her house and sent me a text so I knew where he was. He is a sensible boy.

Flower girl - the good old days. You're missing my point. Kids got abducted then just as they do now. Kids fell and hurt themselves just as they do now. My point is, when did Britain start getting so judgey and terrified by it all? Generally why are we so quick to judge another's parenting skills now whereas before we didn't. Hence my theory that kids are allowed less freedom because parents are afraid of being judged rather than the increased dangers

I'm currently 'in charge' of 4 nine/ten yr olds. I haven't seen them for an hour because they are playing out. Their parents know the way that I parent and none of them have a problem with it. I expect I'll see them in another hour or so when they come in for cake. If their parents did have a problem with it then they wouldn't have been invited. Judging by the screeching they have been joined by all the other kids that play out in our village and they will probably end up over the fields.

Sadly there will be one child (who lives at the back of us) listening to the noise and wishing she was allowed out there too. Her mum doesn't let her play out. She misses out completely and it causes a lot of problems for her. We've had her shouting out the window asking the others to come round here to play. But they don't want to.

God knows what her mother is thinking

After some digging I've found the case of the 14 year old. His mum was cautioned, which led to her being suspended from work (on full pay) for two years, but the case has been resolved now. What a load of fuss about nothing, and how much cost to the taxpayer? www.express.co.uk/news/uk/227553/Police-caution-mum-for-leaving-son-14-to-mind-three-year-old-brother

Mmm, as I thought the moral of that story is "Never accept a caution without legal advice!" It's actually the law abiding citizens who are more likely to get caught out not realising that they are instantly being convicted of a criminal offence which could lose them their job and make it incredibly difficult to get a new one.

I have a 12 yr old DD and would feel that I was being negligent if I didn't leave her home alone sometimes.

We are currently feeling our way with what's okay for both her and for us. So far she's fine for a couple of hours by herself, or 30 mins with herself and DD2 (8) but probably no longer than that. It's all part of the gradual process of encouraging more independence.

How far back are you going Vol? I'm in my early 40s so born in the 70s. I wasn't ever left alone before the age of 12/13. I never went out to loiter on the streets. In that respect I'm no different in my parenting to my parents (although I'm very different in other ways!). At 18 I went away to uni as an independent young woman, more than capable of handling life.

Bram- your child is 12 though. I think most would argue that's a reasonable age for short stays home alone. The NSPCC advice re babysitting is much older though.

thats what i thought too LadyIsabella

my kids have a pretty relaxed upbringing, as i did. my parents though sound feral, trips out alone all day to the middle of nowhere by train age 11, having to stay overnight in strangers houses during the smog on the way home from school age 11 again (no phones so no contact with parents), leaving school age 15, travelling to other side of the world for work age 16
ironically they were probably not left alone at home though, as both my grandmothers were housewives

I'm 46 so same era. As well as playing out til dark my parents left me for the whole weekend most weekends aged 15 when I no longer wanted to go to the caravan with them. I cooked my own meals, lit the coal fire more often or not had a pal back to stay. The only rules were no boys, no noise. In addition I stayed at home for the two week summer holiday, again fending for myself.
When I was 16 I was working full time. We both appeared to have turned out ok so no right or wrong way on our parents behaviour.

You've talked about being aged 15 and 16. I have little problem with anyone being alone at those ages! I'd be interested to know what the situation was at 7 or 8 (or even 4 or 5 as per some on here).

I'm 42 Voluptuagoodshag and it sounds like I had a similar childhood. I walked to school (just under 2 miles) from Junior age (7?) with my next door neighbour of the same age. I got home at about 3:30 and my mum got home shortly after, around 4 I think. I was definately a latchkey kid, although when the travs would leave a rabbit on the door handle I'd sit outside in the rain instead!

During school holidays I went to a childminder (my aunt) up to senior school - although that just meant I had different house to have lunch in because I'd still go over the park with my friends, thereafter I spent the time alone/with mates (age 11). The secondary school was closer to home than the junior school.

We had a caravan on the south coast throughout my childhood and mum still jokes now that she'd wave goodbye in the morning and not expect to see me again until teatime when I come in filthy and starving! That was from age 8 or 9 I think and we'd spend time on the beach, in the dunes, across the fields or at the fair.

That much freedom was pretty much universal with my mates and I try to give DD the same - the only difference really is that she doesn't need it as such because DH is home whereas no-one was in my house.

I think the point that voluptu is making though flowergirl is that you don't just wake up at 15 as a child that's independent and confident enough to be left home alone all weekend. It's usually a gradual build up over many years.

My younger DSD has never been left home alone - she's nearly 15. This is mainly through circumstances - she has older siblings, her mum doesn't work, etc - and she isn't confident to be left. When the circumstance did arise recently, she preferred to come out in the car with me to pick up DD rather than stay in alone. She would never have the confidence, or life skills to manage 24 hours on her own, and probably won't do in a year's time when she's 16 either. She's got a lot of growing up to do which she's going to have to pack into the next couple of years after that. I think that's a harder task for her than it would be for a child who's had their independence built up a bit more gradually.

The way my parents worked shifts I suppose there would always have been someone around. However I do remember pre school and probably aged 5/6 my Mum taking me to her office which was in the village until my Dad finished his shift, also in the village. Heaven knows why coz from about the age of seven I ran feral with my pals. And even if I was at home, my .dad would be sleeping as he'd juwt come off a night shift. I suppose given it was a village where everyone knew me and my parents I kinda knew I always had someone to turn to in an emergency but don't remember ever having to do that. Not until I was aged about 16/17 and the house had been rewired with a consumer unit. So when a bulb went out, the whole system tripped and I had no idea how to fix it. I went to my next door neighbour who came round with a torch and showed me how flick the switch back.

They are indeed all different. My DD (11) is very independent and enjoys being left at home for short times. Ds (10) is very much more a people person and sometimes he doesn't want to be left. In such cases I happily take him with me wherever I'm going. I always give them the choice. DS is always happy to stay if his sister or pals are around. He is mostly happy to stay alone if he knows I'll only be a short time and sometimes he asks to be left because he doesn't want to come to the post office with me to post a parcel. His choice and my judgement combine.
I'm sure DD would happily go and catch a train and a plane and come back in a fortnight if I let her. She has confidence in spades and no qualms about it.

Sometimes our children can be too confident though can't they because they don't see the risks. I know that's the case for my daughter.

I was left at home at the age of 11 in charge of my 8 year old brother, for about half an hour a day until my mum got back from her school (she was a teacher), and it was fine, as we had a nice neighbour either side who knew to be on standby in case I knocked on their door, and I was sensible. I think people would have thought it was total overkill to make any other arrangement, to be honest. Everyone did that sort of thing.