I'm astonished that so many people are in favour of...

[emkana]

... smacking

I was smacked as a child and I totally disagree with it.In my case it was used both 'reasonably' i.e. if my Mum had told us to stop doing something and then continued and also unreasonably i.e. she lost her temper and she would really go for it, definitely leaving marks. Not something that would in those days have been seen as oiutrageous but it did make me fear my Mum.

I think my main argument against it is that it causes the child to think violence is in some degree acceptable, a line has been crossed. And we all used to hit and kick etc a lot more than a lot of other kids (there were 5 of us all close in age, hence the losing of the rag on my Mum's part)

I know my experience is different in that it was more extreme and I know most parents who smack do not cause real pain but I am sure there are more effective and creative methods to use.

For quite a lot of myu adult life I was actually scared to have children in case I repeated my Mum's behaviour. It certainly did do me harm and it has affected my relationship with my MUM.

I must admit I am tempted to smack DD sometimes and I have to rein it in, leave the room and swear to myself. I also lose my temper sometimes and then I feel shxx but at least I haven't hit her/hurt her and I know I would feel a lot worse if I did. And smacks do hurt, even if they aremild otherwise there would be no point in them would there?

I'm really impressed with you, KSMum for managing to keep yourself together under such difficult circumstances. I know how children can push you to the very limits of endurance, and if you have been smacked as a child like you were, it takes a lot of courage to walk away and try to find another way. Personally, as someone who was smacked as a child, I find that I'm even more shocked by my parents' behavior now than I was as a child (when I just accepted it as the norm). I look at my DS and I can't immagine what could move my mother to actually hit her own child in anger. Along those lines, does anyone ever have qualms about leaving their children with Grandparents for fear of them smacking? I'm pretty certain that my mother wouldn't try to interfere with my parenting choices, but it still worries me....

Hi, very interesting thread. As i child i was smacked a lot.My mum is Bi-polar (manic depressive) and she used to get quite violent with me and my brother.
Once when i was 11 yrs old she dragged me down the stairs by my hair because i was making too much noise and the neighbour next door had complained. All i did was listen to some music on a tape recorder not even a powerfull sound system.
For years even until i was 25yrs old if my mum came near me and i was sitting down and she lifted her arm i would flinch automatically.
My mum also used a carpet beater to keep us in line but thankfully never actually hit us with it.
She would just hit the furniture with it and scream at us. When is was 14yrs old i managed to hide it from her and throw it in a skip- i hated it.
Now i have 2 lovely dds aged 4yrs and 22 months and have only smacked my 4yr old 2 times but i've always given her lots of warnings that she may get a smack if i'm tired, hungry or upset myself.
I use the naughty step a lot and would NEVER resort to the THREAT of punishement like my mum did.
By the way, i'm still scared of my mum sometimes.
Adele.

I have just switched off TV - it is awful and I am actually reduced to tears. My dp felt so sick about it too that we turned off.

Have even resorted to contacting police regarding child protection issues and am now trying to find tel number for TV Watchdog.

People say smacking works and is a measured response. Imo it is boarish bullying showing a complete lack of ability to reason.

It is completely obvious it isnt working.. children now behaviourial problmes and fighting and hitting eachother. They are frightened of parents and are probably more likely to drink/drugs etc

I've just turned it off in tears as well, Awen.

there is another thread where they are talking about the show bugmum. COme and join in

so far the people on that programme range from incompetent to downright mad. They make the people in the AP programme look positively main stream. Off to find other thread.

Let's not confuse 'smacking' with 'hitting'.

I know my mother smacked us as children but I don't remember particular instances or how I felt/feel about it.

I'm surprised that the figures supporting smacking are so high. But then 92.4% of statistics are made up on the spot

OK, i was smacked and it did't do me anyharm.BUT!!!- I respected my elders, didn't sit playing extremely violent playstation games, or live in a society where it is ok to talk back to teachers because i know they cannot do a damn thing about it.

It obviously did do harm as smacking is a form of agression and is not ok. Tbh if that programme tonght didnt make you think twice i dont know what will. Yes there are other aspects to consider incl violent games etc but how many parents who actively do not smack because of the violence then acutally go and buy violent games? Then you can do a whole Marge Simpson and ban all cartoons. There is a balance to be met but one thin is for sure you either smack or you dont, an 'occasional' tap doesnt cut it with me. My side of the fence is not smacking. Up to other parents to choose theres.. remember what we do with our kids affects their babies too

I promised myself to stay out of this, but I just wanted to support Mrs Doolittle and say my views and approach are/were very similar.

Ds is now 6. He was smacked between the ages of c.2 and c.4.5 - maybe a total of 5 times. Very few anyway. All after due warning and never out of anger on my part (when I defnitely wouldn't have smacked). Wouldn't due it now, as other punishments and/or encouragements for apporpriate behaviour are more effctive.

If we had another child, I would porbably follow a simialr apporach - I say probably, because parenting also has to adapt to the particular character of the child.

I am genuinely curious as to waht people see as so bad about a light tap on the hand (which is what I classify as a smack - which shocks rather than hurts), as opposed to say, time out - which used to really distress ds or going to bed without their supper/early, which does still distress ds (as we still use that) - and as someone suggested earlier, could be seen as abuse as you are deliberately making a child hungry?

Another totally doolally programme! Thought that the biggest point the programme makers were missing was that it was not really an issue of whether these parents smacked or not but more that for the main parent their parenting skills and techniques were clearly deficient. The only people that seemed to have it right (as in right for a family who have chosen to smack) were the Christian family but they obviously didn't make good enough telly so only got three minutes.

80% of people think smacking's OK.

And society is falling down around our ears.

Therefore...

Seriously though, teachers aren't allowed to smack children now - and some of you think this is a backwards step?!

I don't use the naughty step and I don't send DS1 to bed without dinner either - why on earth do people who smack think that these are the only options open to parents?!

Message withdrawn

I am not saying that these are the only options - it is just that these are often amongst the options that are proposed by the anti-smackers as alternatives.

My take on it is that it is just evidence that there are a range of possible parenting techniques - some of which other parents may not find acceptable. And that includes "time out", "going to bed without supper", "being given a talking to", "being ignored", "leaving them to cry". They are all just techniques. Some of which work with some kids and some families and some of which don't.

I used the "rope" trick (from Toddler Taming)on ds when he was making the transition from cot to bed, to stop him getting in the habit of coming through to our bed at earlier and earlier times. Some parents hate the idea of a child effectively being locked into their room. But it worked for us.

For the record - I came from a family where both mum and dad did very occasionally smack us (and who still agree with the principle) - but we are still close to our parents. My main memory of a punshment threat was of being threatened wit h my mouth being washed out with soap for "using bad words" .

And 30 years ago, my mother was unusual in being a teacher who didn't (and wouldn't) use the belt (Scottish corporal punishment), and yet was known for good discipline in her classes.

ok... so a child getting into mischief.. alot of the time the parent sits on the sofa or infront of the pc on mumsnet and calls to their little darlings to stop what they are doing without acutally getting off said arses and moving the child from danger or distracting toddler from behaviour or actually having one on one quality time. Usually there is a reason if a child is generally misbhaving - problem at school, worrys that are getting to them, poor diet or sleep. Sorry but discipline and boundries are not cut and dried. Perhaps if some parents were more pro-active it wouldnt always get to crisis point!

Message withdrawn

Haven't read all of thread but have read enough so here's my views:

I don't support smacking although I have done it a couple of times when I lost my temper. Felt terrible afterwards.

Was smacked and hit often as a child and my parents constantly had arguments where they hit each other. Eventually I would just hit my parents if they hit me. One of the main results has been that I find it really hard to control my desire to smack my children when they are winding me up becuase its become an automatic response.

Finally, I'm interested that so many people talk about methods of discipline as "punishments". Isn't discipline meant to be about teaching children self control and how to behave in the world? It doesn't need to be negative and punitive - hence we use time out to calm down rather than naughty step/ positive incentives such as star charts etc. For us it has the best results and I sure feel a whole lot better about myself than the times that I have hit my children.

-I do not hit

-I do not use time outs

-I do not send anyone to bed without their supper

-I do not leave my kids to cry

-I do not ignore them

No bank-robbers in the Filly household yet

I have never heard anybody (on TV, on mumsnet, in a book) recommend that a child be sent to bed without supper as a punishment. If DS didn't want to eat supper I wouldn't make him eat it, but equally (as long as I felt the meal on offer to him was a reasonable thing for him to eat) I wouldn't cook him an alternative meal - this wouldn't be a punishment - its just giving him a choice.

Meanwhile, I think some of you are misunderstanding timeout - It is a method of letting a tantruming child (or adult) cool down for a very short period of time. If I am upset at work or have had an argument with DH I go off on my own to sort myself out. Obviously it can be overused and used inappropriately. I agree with MrsSpoon about the TV programme - the families in had problems that went way beyond what punishment method they used.

no naughty step/pasta jars/sticker charts/timeouts here as I cannot be bothered with them

I did start a sticker chart once but the dds and I got bored with it after one day

The dds just do as they are told, except when they don't, then I get cross. That seems to work. If they are throwing a massive strop then bath and bed gets moved forward a bit as tiredness usually the cause in 99% of cases.

No smacking either.

they dont oyu liar! you said dd2 was pissing abotu a few months ago

custy that post was patronising and daft

you aren't the only person that lives in the real world although I know that we all kind of treat you as if you are on here

and I do love you most of the time but your post really irritated me

yes they are naughty

and dd2 is a brat often