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MNHQ

More women staying at home because they want to spend time with the kids - is this the reason?

231 replies

JustineMumsnet · 10/04/2006 18:35

Hi all,
Am wrting in the Standard tomorrow about latest research suggesting stay at home mums are increasingly not returning to work because they want to spend more time with their children. Now Patricia Hewitt has said that Mothers who stayed at home had been under-valued for too long by the Goverment. What do you think - in an ideal world would you stay at home full time? Do you feel strongly about raising your kids yourself? If money were no object would you jack in the job and what, if anything, would make returning to work more attractive?
Have to say now I've chalked up four the thought of being a full-time mum is pretty terrifying (call in the professionals I say Grin)

OP posts:
MeAndMyBoy · 11/04/2006 10:46

Yes I feel very strongly about raising my son myself. I wanted to try and give him some independence and a chance to make his own friends on his own so have put him in a private nursery part time.

But I hate it. I am paying a large percentage of my salary for a complete stranger to raise my son in a way that I neither like nor agree with.

I would like to raise our son as our son and an individual rather than be dictated to by central government and nursery to produce another cloned hybrid of local stereotypes that has no relevance to our family.

In the area that I live in being a Sahm is seen as weird and unnatural and everything is structured to ensure parents work and children are raise in institutions (ie school nursery etc).

I feel that there should be a system in place that allows parents the choice of being at home with their children until they go to school at 4.

podkin · 11/04/2006 10:48

I hated my job - boooring. Work is overrated imo. Only reason I will regret giving it up is for the money.

tangerinecath · 11/04/2006 10:58

I'm in the situation where I earn more than dh so therefore we can't afford for me to cut my hours (I work ft) or give up completely. About 75-80% of my net income goes on childcare/travelling expenses etc etc but we need the remainder to make ends meet. This isn't about affording holidays or nice clothes, this is about paying the mortgage. In an ideal world I would work, say, 20 hours a week doing something far more interesting than I do now.

DH and I discussed the idea of him becoming a SAHD given that I am the main earner. However this would not work for us at all - he is happy with his work/life balance as it is whereas I am not. What's the point in us both being miserable?

I have no family near enough to look after dd but I am fortunate in that she goes to a great nursery where she is loved and cared for and is very happy. I'm just so sad that she's there for as long as she is. Now that she is a bit older (approaching 2) I would probably send her a couple of mornings a week anyway for the social interaction and time away from me. I could also get some ironing done! I am also lucky in that my Mum works in a school and MIL is close to retiring and both have offered to come and look after dd during the holidays when she starts school.

DH is currently awaiting a promotion following extensive training, if that comes off then hopefully I can cut my hours. I miss dd desperately when I am at work and I think the quality of my work has gone downhill because of it. Me being able to halve my hours would be the best of all worlds for everyone I think.

tangerinecath · 11/04/2006 11:02

Oh, and meant to say that I will be cutting my hours (employer permitting of course!) when dd starts school so that I don't need wraparound care. We will be saving enough in nursery fees for me to do this comfortably. Such a shame I can afford it once she's 5, but not before.

Assuming there's no little brother or sister in the offing by then of course... then the whole working to pay childcare fees kicks in again.

Issyfit · 11/04/2006 11:26

MI said: It's interesting that women on this site with very high-powered jobs and also very good nanny support can hold it all together much better than, er, me.

MI is right (she generally is). I wouldn't say that I had a 'very high-powered job' but I and DH together earn enough together to have excellent nanny and domestic support. Talking to other mothers (including ones in RL!) I think it's probably easier for us to hold it together this way than it would be if I had a less well-paid, possibly part-time job and was trying to juggle bits and pieces of child-care and all the domestic stuff.

Having said that, I think there is a tipping point where a job becomes so demanding that no amount of money or the childcare or domestic support it can buy really helps, because the hours spent with your family are just too short.

Twiglett · 11/04/2006 11:38

Meandmyboy .. if you don't like it .. don't do it .. there is normally an alternative way

mommie · 11/04/2006 11:39

re getting the standard on the net: i am useless at links but their website is called thisislondon

ssd · 11/04/2006 11:49

meandmyboy, if you don't mind me asking where do you live? Even if most people in your area are doing one thing it doesn't mean you couldn't break the mold. You might even start others!

meowmix · 11/04/2006 11:49

DH stopped work and because he's never been that career-ist the idea of never having a career path or ambition for work hasn't bothered him in the slightest. I do sometimes feel I got the short straw because I'm on such a treadmill to keep going, keep raising the bar so I get promoted, get more money, always think of the salary before the opportunity etc. But I'm better suited to dealing with that than DH which is why I work and he has the unmitigated joy of escorted toilet visits and dinosaur roars all day.

However I agree that there should be more talk about parents responsibilities rather than just mothers. Why is it that I am seen as an unnatural parent by so many people simply because I work to provide for my family? we always get talk about how courageous DH is being taking on this task (inference being that woman is using you to further her own career, you martyr you) and how I must be "so driven". Actually no, I'm just doing what any traditional father has to do.

(rant over... am going to go and snarl at someone professionally now)

joelalie · 11/04/2006 11:52

Would I give up work? Yes I would. I work part-time (just) and partly from home. DH works 8-6 most weekdays. Still not exactly rolling in dosh though. So there is now way I could give up work. I quite enjoy my work but what I do not enjoy is trying to do 2 jobs neither of which is done as well as I'd like. I hate the morning school/CM/work rush and tearing back to school after work to get there in time....often a few minutes late. And then it's time to start the other job....

And I too would like to know why some SAHM's on here resent help for working mothers? Why does it bother you if you have chosen not to work?

sharklet · 11/04/2006 12:01

I took 10 months maternity leave then returned to work on a flexible basis. I only work in term time for 5 or 10 week blocks and it generally works out at being one or two days a week. I also work as a freelancer. For me I have to continue to work on some level. My work relies on my good repuation and the word of mouth about my work and my reliability. I'd be turning away clients if I didn't work at all for 5 years or so I'd be starting again from nothing and handing over all the great client relations Ihave worked so hard to build to other artists.

I'm really lucky though that my job allows some flexibility. If i wasn't in that position I think I'd have to find a way to work from home.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 11/04/2006 12:06

When I was pregnant I worked full time and loved my job. At the time I was convinced I wanted to go back to work full time or 20 plus hours.
Of course being a first time Mum I had no idea how it would work!

Ds is now 15 months and I went back to do 16 hrs a week Mon - Fri. Luckily my job has early starts (I start at 6am, and walk 3 miles to get there!) so I am able to fit childcare in with dh hours as he is on flexi time anyway.

I think if I couldnt do early starts I would find it very difficult to do my present job and would have ended up doing a weekend job which I would have hated.

If I gave up work completely I couldnt afford luxuries such as my Car, Clothes, and haircuts etc. Working for me is 'still being me'
Benefits alone from the government would not be enough to live on as apparantley my dh 'earns too much'. As for childcare, well I looked into it and it is a waste of time for us. If I went back to work Full time, I would pay over half my wages to child care and I wasnt prepared to do that.

If money was no object I would possibly give up work, or I would start up my own business and have people work for me!

fennel · 11/04/2006 12:08

I think MI and Issyfit are right in that paid work is a lot more appealing if you have really good support for childcare. Whether that's a nanny or just good childcare and a lot of flexibility and supportive employers and partner.
I have a very supportive workplace - I can work flexibly, from home, the hours I choose, and a supportive Dp who works flexibly and part time. It makes all the difference.

Personally I really enjoy my job and would probably do it for free if childcare was provided. even if it was less flexible. for me, being at home full time is totally unappealing.

cod · 11/04/2006 12:09

still dont get whats is so hard abotu a few kids

crunchie · 11/04/2006 12:12

I found it!!!

But you have to sign up to the e-edition of teh evening standard
\link{http://standardonline.newspaperdirect.com/epaper/viewer.aspx\this might not work}

MeAndMyBoy · 11/04/2006 12:23

SSD - I live in an inner city area, if you don't mind won't say where as I'll be easily identifiable in RL. I find that my views and choices are derided in RL because I don't do what everyone else does and that has had the effect of socially alienating us from friends and family. I will not be starting a new trend any time soon :).

Twiglett I am working on doing things differently - unfortunately this is a real button push for me and I get very cross very quickly about it - which I know is obvious in my post. :)

melissasmummy · 11/04/2006 12:38

When I was pg I was convinces I wanted to go back to worke part time, all of peers have done this & I thought I wanted to, too. I worked for 2 weeks, handed in my notice & left after 6. I couldn't stand being told by my childminder (excellent tho she was) that my DD prefered warm petit folous, was rolling etc etc. It broke my heart that somebody knew what was happening to her before I did.

My DH earns enough so we can get by on 1 wage. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am glad I am able to raise my daughter in the way we want her raised.

kickassangel · 11/04/2006 12:49

i'm definitely in the minority at my work, and unfortunately some of the other working mums (almost all pt) do scimp on the hours & pretend to be ill when kids are at home etc. perhaps in management were more supportive, they'd be more committed, or maybe the over way around?

kickassangel · 11/04/2006 12:49

other, not over

Nightynight · 11/04/2006 13:24

Id LOVE to be a ft SAHM - but unfortunately I have to work ft to put a roof over my children's heads. So the latest research can go and stuff itself!Angry

And Patricia Hewitt's govt could value mothers more by making housing more affordable!

hellywobs · 11/04/2006 15:09

What would be nice would be if money were no object to the extent that both my husband and I could stay at home!

hellywobs · 11/04/2006 15:18

Some mums out there work because they need to have a roof over their heads, not just because they want to fund a lavish lifestyle. I work full-time and have an S reg car and have holidays with friends or family to save money. When ds goes to school next year life will be easier because school is "free" so both my dh and I can work 3 full days and 2 half days so we can collect him from school 4 days a week and on day 5 he'll go to friends/childminder/afterschool club.

If I did not work we would not have a house and if my dh did not work we would struggle to have a house and it is still not socially acceptable for men to be at home (wrong but there it is). Plus the fact we pay a lot in tax which helps the wider community. And it is utter rubbish that kids grow up delinquent because they go to nurseries - so nothing else ever influences them such as fmaily life, whether their parents stay together, whether they go to a school where they are bullied, what sort of friends they have etc etc etc? The French don't have any of this angst about childcare.

Why do we have to justify our choices? I've said it on another thread today - we are not all the same and all kids are not the same - when can we just accept that?

expatinscotland · 11/04/2006 15:44

What a laugh! I'd say for the vast majority of folks who work outside the home it's a necessity.

Lavish lifestyle? Another joke. We don't have a house, drive a P-reg car - that DH needs to get to his work, which is too far to walk and has no bus service, but that he schedules around caring for the kids - and don't go on holidays.

Our jobs are for food and shelter and clothes.

kama · 11/04/2006 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

serenity · 11/04/2006 18:53

S'Ok, wasn't stressed about it Smile

Can someone cut and paste the article, or direct me to it if that's already been done?