More women staying at home because they want to spend time with the kids - is this the reason?

[JustineMumsnet]

Hi all,
Am wrting in the Standard tomorrow about latest research suggesting stay at home mums are increasingly not returning to work because they want to spend more time with their children. Now Patricia Hewitt has said that Mothers who stayed at home had been under-valued for too long by the Goverment. What do you think - in an ideal world would you stay at home full time? Do you feel strongly about raising your kids yourself? If money were no object would you jack in the job and what, if anything, would make returning to work more attractive?
Have to say now I've chalked up four the thought of being a full-time mum is pretty terrifying (call in the professionals I say )

"in an ideal world would you stay at home full time?"

I think i'd still do some work and would still want my children to spend some time at nursery and definitely at school, I wouldn't home educate.

I would make almost any sacrifice possible in order to stay at home with the kids because I think that's my responsibility and its what they need, but I know I'm in the minority

Yes, Beartime, few people make sacrifices for their children. You are right to think you are in the minority.

My world is ideal. Both me and DH work fulltime flexi. I enjoy both working and spending time with my children and the way we have organised our lives, I get to do both. My children also enjoy and benefit from going to nursery. To me its all about balance in your life.

I resent that many SAHMS on this thread seem to think that better childcare and wraparound care is an attack on their status. I assume SAHMS want money to stay at home. Why not come up with solutions as to how you want the government to helps SAHMS rather than grump about the support they are trying to give working parents?

Bingo, is that the sort of thing you do every day then ?

dh works for a very volatile company so i had to return to work, and at first i was happy to. thing have changes, as a toddler dd wants more of me (obsessively, and i love it), policy at work has changed, so if she's ill i don't get paid to stay home & look after her (dh does), and since having her i've applied for 2 promotions, which i didn't get, before her i got every promotion i appliedfor. now the jobs go to men/women who won't have babies, imo. i just resent being there, although i still enjoy the actual work, i can't stand the management who frequently apply pressure to attend more meetings, work in holidays! (i'm a teacher) i'm seriuosly thinking of taking a demotion jus to leave the place. incidentally, i work full time, about 45 - 50 hours a week, and today dd is in nursery so i can do my marking (not play on here), but still i'm not committed enough! to top it all, they aren't yet aware that parental leave is a legal right!

Unsurprisingly, i've been ill for 2 months - nothing major, just constant cough, tummy bugs etc. could it be stress?

totally agree with beartime.

Fairymum "my world is ideal". Smug or what!

Does anyone know if we can get the Standard on the net? I will not be able to get hold of a copy today.

SSD, why am I smug? I am happy because I have found what works for me and my family and it's ideal for us. Isn't that great?

I'm a SAHM and have been for 3 years

I did go back to work when DS was 6 months old .. dropped him at childminders at 8.30 picked him up at 6.30 put him to bed at 8 went back to work in office at home (I was board level) .. did this full time .. some weekends too

I felt like I had to ask childminder how to deal with my DS .. felt very little bond with him

This went on for 10 months until I finally left .. I loved my job and earnt a lot .. as a family we have made big financial concessions for me to be a SAHM (holidays / budgeting etc) but are LUCKY to be in a position where we can afford it (no ability to save / have given up any chance of a personal pension)

But I have 2 children now and have been a SAHM since July 2002 .. it was actually the best decision I ever made .. there will be a stage when I can return to work .. but for me that won't be till both my children are in at least year 1 at primary .. and even then I want to be home at 3.30 so they aren't latch-key kids

I'll never have the earning power I had before though .. nor the opportunity

I have seen parents in tears because their maternity leave is ending and they have to go back to work .. but they readjust that is human nature .. whether that's the right thing is another topic .

. parents can separate off being a mum or dad and being in work .. few parents actually think of their children whilst iworking .. does that make the children, the parents or the family unit happier or healthier

FM, yeah great.

twig I thought about my son all the time whilst working - huge problem at work

we have made concessions too in that we are utterly, utterly skint.
TBH it is not sustainable to be this skint.

I work 3 days a week and like motherinferior even if money was no object, I would still continue to do this (dds are nearly 3 and nearly 6) because it works for us.

I think this is because I have confidence in the childcare we have and I like my job. If you don't have both of those then the way I do it really isn't for you. But sadly many women - and it is women usually - end up putting up with a situation they don't enjoy, and that can't be good for them/their family. Staying at home would be like that for me.

anyone found the article yet - is it online?

I need to work for my own sanity. Not every woman is cut out to be a full time SAHM. As much as I love being with my daughter on my 2 days at home, I can feel isolated and bored. Much better when we spend time with granny for both DD and me.

I would love to be at home fulltime. I work p/time 3 days and I hate hate hate waking up my sleeping children to rush them out of the door to my MIL. I see them for 15 mins then get about 90 mins at night, the WORST part of the day when they are tired and grumpy (as am I) and we have mealtime and bathtime battles and no fun.

Then on my 'days off' I try and keep on top of housework and fit in some fun times as well.

Work to me is a way of paying the bills and of no enjoyment whatsoever (apart from being free to Mumnset in peace) and go round the shops at lunchtime without a buggy.

ssd what is your problem? or am I reading sarcasm where it wasn't meant?

TBH FM you haven't got the perfect life, I have :o

No seriously I would work a little less if I could, I work full time, as I am the main breadwinner. But I work 10 mins from home, I can get home by 5.45 and still usually drop the kids at school. I can be flexible if I need to be and work from home with a sick kid etc, without using holiday etc. My DH is an actor and is in and out of work, when he does work he pays for childcare, if he isn't working he does teh childcare.

Do I feel guilty about going to work, no not really. I am past that stage as my kids are now at school. Did I feel bad when they were younger? no really, only pangs sometimes. I had a brilliant nanny for 2.5 years (don't tell me I could have given up work to afford her I couldn't, my parents gave us the money for a bit) and my kids were so happy. I did change jobs 4 years ago so I could get teh balance right, I took a 30% salary cut to avoid 4 hrs of commute, and to spend time with my kids.

I am SICK TO DEATH with all of this unsupportive, you should be doing this that or the other, trying to make EVERY woman guilty whether they stay at home, work or fly to the Fing moon. WHY DO WE DO THIS??????? WHY CAN'T WE ACCEPT DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS< each have merit.

We seem to have a mini-utopia in the MN world in that no-one posts to confess that they hated their job anyway and this is a factor in considering it better to be a SAHP.

Everyone says its either

A) the prohibitive costs/juggling/commuting logistics etc

or

B) They firmly believe it is the right thing to
when their children are small.

Personally I have non MN friends who say "it's OK for you because you love your work and find it stimulating and are well-paid" but they themselves didn't particularly like their work/employer or work colleagues and the drop in income from not working wasn't so large to start with so therefore being a SAHP was by comparision, more attractive.

Where are these people in the MN world ?

Call me a cynic if you like but are there really two seperate types of SAHP, MN'ers and those in RL ?

I'll happily say that a factor in SAHMdom was hating my job! As it happens, I wouldn't have felt ready to go back to work until DS was 18 months ish anyway, so that would have blown the career anyway.

So my initial answer: basic laziness (can't be arsed to go out to work) doesn't really cut it does it? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

I do think that mothers who stay home are undervalued. It doesn't help that the government seem to be pumping as much money and resources into shoving us out of the home and our children into childcare no matter how we feel as individuals.

I never thought that SAHdom would be for me. I'm not the most maternal of people (lol... and me with 5), but I can honestly say that I have loved and continue to love it! It's not just about being at home with the kids, but it's the freedom to sit still during those short hours when the youngest are at playgroup (or is that just me?).

Having been a SAHM I have to say that it has really worked for me, but then I've never been one of those "fill their every waking moment" kind of mums. We move smoothly and calmly (apart from twin tantrums) through life. The children are happy and so am I. So, if money were no object then yes I would stay home but as has been mentioned before not just because of the children. Personally I think that work is overrated lol.

I used to have a very stressful, grown up job before I had dd. Once she was born, I took 10 months off and then returned to the same job part time (3 days a week). However, although my boss kept saying he was supportive of my decision to go part-time, he still expected the same amount of work from me as when I had been full time, which meant I was working also taking work home and having to do it every day and every weekend.

I made the decision to move to a less stressful job, working 2.5 days a week. The money is slightly less, but the main thing is that I absolutely love it! I go to work, really stretch my mind doing a job which really makes a difference to other people, knowing that my dd is with a wonderful childminder who treats her like one of the family. Dd also has a day with her grandmother being thoroughly spoiled, which means that I get half a day to myself every week.

So, would I stay at home full time??? Probably not. I had been working for 16 years before I had dd and much as I adore my dd, I know I need the stimulation of working. I like the balance I have now of 4 days a week with my dd, 2.5 days a week at work and half a day for me!

Madame de Mars

Basic laziness with 5 children, you underestimate yourself.

I work and I know which I find the most physically draining, a day at home with ds !

I am lucky in that I have people to do the boring work and secretarial/P.A. support but that means I am held responsible for other people's errors if I don't spot them all which is mentally challenging.

It must just be that SAHM just diesn't bring out the best/ suit some women best and I know from the work environment that you never have a happy situation for anyone if you try and bash square pegs into round holes.

I am analytical of my childcare providers but not critical as I have confidence in them and I think someone earlier made an extremely important point that a parent will not be completely happy with the idea of working if they don't have confidence in their childcare provider.

The square peg/round hole situation is exactly how I described my own sentiments about work

kama - not quite sure what the problem is but..... 'proper' (in quotes so indicating that I'm being slightly flippant) SAHM don't work. So, I'm saying given the choice I'd rather not have to go out when the children are in bed and do another job (ie I'd rather 'stay at home')

I'm sorry you get so little sleep (I assume you have a baby) but I wasn't posting that for sympathy or to start a competition ( I get more sleep now than when I did this and DD was a baby) It was an illustration of why I would rather not be working, to answer J's question.