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More women staying at home because they want to spend time with the kids - is this the reason?

231 replies

JustineMumsnet · 10/04/2006 18:35

Hi all,
Am wrting in the Standard tomorrow about latest research suggesting stay at home mums are increasingly not returning to work because they want to spend more time with their children. Now Patricia Hewitt has said that Mothers who stayed at home had been under-valued for too long by the Goverment. What do you think - in an ideal world would you stay at home full time? Do you feel strongly about raising your kids yourself? If money were no object would you jack in the job and what, if anything, would make returning to work more attractive?
Have to say now I've chalked up four the thought of being a full-time mum is pretty terrifying (call in the professionals I say Grin)

OP posts:
nothercules · 10/04/2006 18:39

If money were no object then I probably wouldnt work but not so I could stay at home with the kids. It would be to go to the gym each day, spend hours walking my dog and hobbies etc.

FastasleepInABunnySuit · 10/04/2006 18:40

I can't go to work until my kids are in, or nearly in school, I just feel that personally, for me, it would be wrong. They need me here! This is the time I get to spend with them before they grow up and don't want to be with me all the time, it's precious and it won't last long, to miss out on very much of it would be heart-wrenching.

We are undervalued, it's a hard job looking after kids, even when they're your own. We work hard an we don't get payed for it. People seem to think of us as lazy good for nothings Sad

We're not rich enough for me to be a stay at home mum, so I took on a job too, as a chatline operator, which I can do from home when the children are asleep. It's exhausting having two jobs. But the time with my kids is worth it!

I hope that was helpful in some wee way! Lol!

FastasleepInABunnySuit · 10/04/2006 18:41

If the kids were at school, I wouldn't be a sahm - there would be no point, they wouldn't be there to spend the time with!!!

Pruni · 10/04/2006 18:41

Just jacked in my career
Pressure of being all things to all people just too great
Deadlines all over the place
No space to think
No space to plan
AND toddler needs me (last on this list but not last in priority)
It isn't as simple as just wanting to be with the children imo
It's that working and having no family support means you are full-time employee and full-time parent but not doing either very well
What would make work more attractive for me would be a nanny, a good one, and enough money to make that not a luxury.

motherinferior · 10/04/2006 18:41

I think that there is pressure in many ways to return to work, but culturally we are (I think, and I know many people don't agree with me) pressure to stay at home.

If money were no object I would jack in some of the job but not all of it (ie would not troll round pathetically pleading with features editors to chuck a few crumbs my way); I'd have some childcare but probably only two or three days a week, not my current four; and would write the Great 21st Century novel.

mesenfantsmaman · 10/04/2006 18:41

I stay at home and we struggle financially as a result, I often feel undervalued as the government are always harping on about encouraging mums to go back to work. Whilst I believ that women should have the choice i feel that increasingly with wraparound care women are feeling pressured to work and are no longer getting flexibility from their employers. I think it suits the governemnt for mums to return to work as they it creates more jobs in childcare and two working parents are also paying taxes. I would like to see a better maternity/paternity leave structure put in place so that women are able to stay at home and then return to their careers after perhaps a longer break.

motherinferior · 10/04/2006 18:42

Good point, Pruni. It's interesting that women on this site with very high-powered jobs and also very good nanny support can hold it all together much better than, er, me.

Mind you, most people can hold it together better than me.

motherinferior · 10/04/2006 18:44

I also think that 'flexible working' becomes a 'mummy trap' - how many blokes do it, eh? (despite Fathers Direct going on and on and on about how they'd love to, really, if it didn't compromise their promotion prospects).

You need Fennel on that one, though, she's done proper work on it.

fuzzywuzzy · 10/04/2006 18:45

I personally don't need to go to work. But if I could I would work it's the childcare issue that stops me. On the other hand I wouldn't have left either of mine when they were tiny babies, just now when they're tantrumming toddlers.... So I wouldn't and didn't work for the first year of their lives, but I wouldn't give up my job and stay home till they're 18...

Tinker · 10/04/2006 18:45

If I could afford to, would work part-time or not at all but that is because work bores me. I would still use childcare some of the time. Feel very strongly that some consistent input from good childcarers is just as good as any raising that I would do (I'm lazy and lack patience)

Having said all that, am sure if we had to, I could give up my job but I haven't. So, fear of financial dependence on someone else is a big factor for me.

Tinker · 10/04/2006 18:47

Being a SAHM when the kids are at school would be fab.

foxinsocks · 10/04/2006 18:48

we are in much the same situation as Pruni

For my job (and dh's job) to work (and our family to actually function), we would need a full time live-out nanny (and before anyone says there are cheaper forms of childcare, we tried them and it just didn't work!). The cost of that would mean me working full-time which would
a) leave us with very little/no cash after my salary
b) mean I would see precious little of the kids

so for us it's probably as much a financial decision as it is wanting to be with the kids (which of course I do!).

drosophila · 10/04/2006 18:50

I’m going back to work next week and am not really looking forward to it. I have been at home for 14mths with baby no 2. I will be working PT (3 days aweek).

Reasons for me to stay at home would be mainly the stress. I worked full time with DS and I never felt at ease. Always rushing, always worrying (what do you say when they are sick to your boss) and the sheer exhaustion of doing so much. Staying at home is easier for me but I do feel a little disconnected with the world. Not much in the way of intellectual stimulation.

One of my main reasons for returning to work for me is the job security. I work in Public Sector and the pension is fantastic plus generally they are very tolerant. In an ideal world I think PT is the way forward but I think 1 or 2 days. Keep your sanity but spending the most time with the kids and doing the chores you end up doing anyway even if working FT.
Todays society is not natural and being at home on your own with kids with little or no social interaction with your peers is not healthy I think. If you have a big circle of friends that you can visit then it is much healthier but so many of us turn to MN for company.

motherinferior · 10/04/2006 18:52

I do feel very strongly that 'proper mothers' either stay at home with their children or long to be at home with their children.

I am an Improper Mother.

motherinferior · 10/04/2006 18:53

(I meant that as a cultural construct of proper mother, btw, feel v guilty that I don't fit it.)

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 10/04/2006 18:53

I think being a SAHM is undervalued both by the government and society. I feel the opposite to MI and think that culturally we are under more pressure to go back to work.

The government introduces free places at nursery, extended schools etc - my cynical side thinks all they want is us back at work and paying taxes into the coffers. On the other hand the media fills us with idea that a nursery environment is bad for little ones and that the rise in teenage bad behaviour is down to lack of direction at home. You can't do right for doing wrong......

I've worked full time, part-time and been a SAHM. The thing that encouraged me back is just what I have at the moment - really flexible, term-time working. The only downside is the pay is appalling and in real terms I'm probably earning per hour, half what I earned pre kids.

moondog · 10/04/2006 18:53

By the time I return to work,will have been away for three years.
Am terrified that I will have forgotten how to actually do it more than anything else.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/04/2006 18:55

oooo Justine - please please please do this about PARENTS not MUMS. there are Dads who want to work less and spend more time with their kids. We will never get anything approaching equality until we look at this in the round. I am sure there are plenty of women who don't return to work because they want to spend time with their kids, but writing exclusively about them and leaving the dads out of the picture perpetuates certain stereotypes taht aren't helpful to anyone - sahm, sahd, wohm, wohd and combinations thereof. The Guardian (allelujah) are running an article shortly about fathers working flexible hours.

Piffle · 10/04/2006 18:57

I am stay at home mum mostly because I really want to be. I am fortunate that my partner also likes this arrangement. My dd is verging on special needs which makes a return to work a seriously impractical idea, so my die is cast for the near future.
I am hoping to retrain for a proper job in the next 5 years, but that will be 90% home based study. She says hopefully, presuming that her brain will still actually work..

foxinsocks · 10/04/2006 18:57

I'm looking forward to going back to actually working - what I don't look forward to is all the organisation that comes with it (sickness, inset days, assemblies you have to be there for etc. etc.). I often think (certainly in London) that if you can find a local job that pays and cuts out the commute (which must add an hour on the morning and evening for most people), life would be a lot easier.

In fact, when I jacked in the job, I felt like cheering every morning that I wasn't stuck on some dreadful packed SWT.

motherinferior · 10/04/2006 18:57

As long as it's dads who do work flexible hours not all the ones who say oh yes they'd love to if the work culture wasn't stacked against them Angry....

Piffle · 10/04/2006 18:57

Oh yeah the downside is dp has to work away 5 days a week... So his family life suffers.

Tinker · 10/04/2006 18:58

Where are all these dads though? I'm Civil Service, flexible, pretty much anything goes working patterns are the norm for most mothers. But still get sneering comments from men (some of whom are fathers) about it being alright for some Angry

expatinscotland · 10/04/2006 18:58

I'd jack in my job quicker than you can say 'quick' if I could.

Caligula · 10/04/2006 18:59

I took a job based at home so that I could spend more time with my kids. But if I could afford to, I wouldn't do the job at all. I'd arse around on Mumsnet all day and do a bit of gardening. And maybe tidy the house occasionally.