Good advice to new mothers? Have sex even if you don't feel ready

[shagmundfreud]

here

Or is yet another example of how this woman has completely failed to understand that motherhood is about RELATIONSHIPS, and it's not a fucking JOB.

UGH, that whole article is just ugh! Accompanied by the bizzarre soft focus pitcure too.

The thing I don't like about, err, certain childcare nobbers gurus (well, one of the things) is that her whole ethos seems to be about distancing babies from their mothers.
So within 6 weeks of the birth, parents should leave the new baby with someone else and go out?
See, this is what I hate. Leaving a tiny helpless baby for that long goes against most new mothers instincts (not all, I know), and crappy advice from this stupid, stupid, poor excuse of a woman is going to make some mothers question their instincts.
The first 10 weeks with ds1 was such a horrible, anxious time, because some thoughtful person bought me a copy of a certain book written to, um, make Little Babies become Contented.
I spent those first precious weeks feeling crap, because my baby didn't follow the rules, I felt I was getting it all wrong because ds fed so much. I had no idea that his behaviour was normal, because I'd read that fucking book.
If I felt like that, I'm pretty sure others did too, and I'm sure this new book is going to bring about more new mothers beating themselves up for not being perfect - even though they are entirely normal.

Butter - that's kind of my point.
When you have a baby, relationships change. The majority of men are fine with this (that I know anyway) and accept that things will be different - not better, not worse, just different.
But we have loons like this who spread the word that if things aren't just the same, or following a set pattern, you're failing.
She needs to be ignored.

Yabu. I agree with the article - a lot of women just make excuses and then wonder why their husbands feel marginalised and desperate.

Sometimes marriage is about going through the motions, or putting the other's needs first. Yes this goes both ways for women too but no sex for months isn't good for anyone.

Obviously not if there is a physical problem - though something should still be possible. Why not?

Intimacy with the father of your child surely isn't a bad thing?

Why can't people just leave others alone to do what is right for themselves. They shold be having sex as and when they feel ready for it not at the behest of either doctors or "specialists". I do think that she has a point about not neglecting your relationship just because you have a baby, but that doesn't need to mean having sex. Just putting some time aside for each other is great, and it's as much down to the man to make his wife feel sexy again as it os down to the woman. I know that just after giving birth I may feel like having sex but I really don't feel sexy and desirable.

Quite a few of the new young mums I know follow her advice.

And what is you opinion of that, adamschic?

your not you

Well that is the nature of "experts" giving advice on our children, health, nutrition, relationships, etc. - you can take it or leave it.

Some of it will ring true and help some people.

Lovey dovy evening without the baby.
What the Fuck!

DD1 drank nothing but breast milk until she was some thing like 8 months old because she screamed at the sight of a bootle.
DH and I had plenty of lovey dovy evenings in with the baby, from her being 1 day old. But I can't see her understanding that there's a huge amount more to coupledom than sex.

Ok - I do not have children so I am about as qualified as GF to comment :)

But I do not understand why the onus is always put on the woman. Where is all the advice for men on how to behave when a couple has a baby. Why is there nobody telling men that maybe they should be more understanding towards their partner after she has given birth and that they should be trying to look after their wife's needs?

Well even if she did have a baby she might be up for it quickly as everyone is different,(e.g. that woman who gave a bj in the immediately after the birth shower by the delivery room "I am woman, hear me roar.")

So it still wouldn't make her view any more valid.

I try to steer them towards mumsnet .

One young mum I know swears by her books so I suppose the others will be curious to read her methods. I cannot really comment as she wasn't around when mine was little and I haven't looked at her books.

I tried the naughty step and time out (not sure if the is GF) but mine wouldn't comply so I gave up and muddled through using my common sense. The method I used for bedtime was the same as my young mum friend is using.

As for getting back to sex so asap or grinning a bearing it. I think this is terrible advice and no-one should feel pressured before they are ready. Childbirth didn't stop me wanting to have sex, personally. I do think sex is an important part of a relationship and I wouldn't want to live with someone who I didn't want to have sex with in the long term.

I think she makes a good point actually though, about it getting harder the longer you leave it (fnar). Of course there are sometimes physical reasons why sex is inadvisable or unpleasant so soon after a baby, but I do think that if you don't have the 'let's see if it hurts' shag over with within a couple of months then you can get a mental block about it which can damage your relationship. Much better to get back in the saddle sooner rather than later IMO

Medical advice is to wait until after six weeks. The advice is there for a reason. If an individual decides to go against this advice it is entirely their call but to advertise yourself as a parenting advisor and then give conflicting advice is just plain irresponsible.

I went out with Dh for an anniversary meal with DH a month after ds1 was born. It was crap and I spent the majority of it slowly hand expressing into a restaurant sink. I never left them that young again.

We waited various amounts of time after each child (first time was over 4 months I'm sure) before trying penetrative sex and guess what we have four kids and are still married. Amaxing isn't it that decent marriages are built on more than just sex. Sitting next to each other on the sofa supposedly watching a film but instead gushing over your baby is intimate, it doesn't have to be about genital bashing

Shagmund your last post made me laugh so hard that dd stopped feeding to give me a worried look.
The whole approach outlined in that article seems to me to be pretty much devoid of empathy to women. The cartoon alongside the article is genius, though.

I don't know if I would class as a 'young mum' but I have took on board GF advice, and also use Mumsnet. Whilst the two viewpoints clash, I am able to look and see the benefits of both the 'GF' route and the stereotypical MN route. We really should be mature enough to do what we feel is best, and be able to pick out things that work for us, and discard those that don't.

People who follow GF are more likely to pick up her new book than those who don't, and therefore they allready know what they are 'getting' from her.

If someone dislikes GFs ways, they are not going to buy her book, and therefore don't need to feel like THEY are being told to get back in the saddle.

At the second useless NHS antenatal class we attended our midwife told us that we must start having sex with our husbands again after six weeks otherwise "he will be working late, getting comfort somewhere else, so ladies it is important you start again as soon as possible." DP was so insulted that he refused to go back. I was 30, with a good sense of self, but some of the women there were very young and vulnerable and I was pretty angry that she had said that. I wrote to the PCT but as part of a bunch of other stuff and they didn't respond to that part of it.

Jeez every time I read about GF I want to scream lots of very offensive words! I'm not going to repeat them on here though obviously.

It's completely different for every couple, with every baby. After dd1 her birth was so traumatic I couldn't even think about sex until she was about 2-3 months old. DD2's birth was completely different and such an enjoyable experience we did it 8 days after she was born. Huge contrast there.