Good advice to new mothers? Have sex even if you don't feel ready

[shagmundfreud]

here

Or is yet another example of how this woman has completely failed to understand that motherhood is about RELATIONSHIPS, and it's not a fucking JOB.

Funny advice from someone who has never had a child herself! I can't stand the woman.

This thread will self implode in 10, 9, 8, 7.........

I've posted and now I'm going to run away and get my hair done.

GF commented once that it didn't matter that she hadn't had children. It didn't make her advice any less valid. After all, you wouldn't choose a heart surgeon on the basis that he or she had experienced heart disease.

Which is a brilliant illustration of her failings: she simply doesn't understand that the way you parent a child grows from the person you are and the relationship you have with them and with the other people in your life. Mothering is not a job that anyone can tell you how to do. It's a relationship. One which she has no expertise in and no useful knowledge of.

Ditto relationships with partners.

what kind of a man would want to do that anyway, if his wife/gf wasn't ready?

The contented mother? wtf? i know she doesn't think much to babies anyway, what with her bloody controlled crying..... but seriously.... how can she comment on having sex post childbirth when she has no knowledge of how you feel after going through that process?

Every woman will feel different, as every birth is different!

I was still bleeding quite heavily 4 weeks post partum, mmm sexy .

The woman doesn't have a clue what giving birth does to both your physical and mental state, the only thing going on in my bed at 4 weeks was sleep.

What a pile of patronising SHITE.

Do you remember when feeling pressurised into having sex with a partner when you didn't feel emotionally or physically ready was called statutory rape?

This is probably the most damaging thing to womankind that I have ever read. I think most men would also feel incredibly insulted to think that their partner was tolerating sex with them because an 'expert' had said they should. That is not helpful to a loving relationship. Men are not incapable of understanding that their partner needs to recover from giving birth before they can ressume their sex life.

When you have had a child and actually experienced the reality not the text book version you understand.

Insulting all round.

I think the last thread about this lasted at least half an hour, maybe a wee bit more. But I don't hold out much hope of this one staying. The discussion might be valid, the comments equally so but ...

Oh dear, slightly off tangent but related, I love shows like supernanny etc but they have a lot to answer for, I've noticed people are giving opinions on parenting away like leaflets and feel they have a right to give opinions even if like others say , they have no actual experience.

grrr

I think it's a great pity that GF has never had children and the opportunity to understand what's involved in parent relationships.

Is she really "Britain's most popular childcare writer? I doubt it. Just because anxious new mums buy this rubbish doesn't mean it's put into practice, or even popular!

The divorcee, who has never had children

says it all really

Contented! I would feel anything but if I felt obliged to have sex when I didn't feel ready. I am pretty sure that DH would be able to tell that too and it wouldn't exactly put him in the mood either. This sounds like something out of the 1950's!

There's an interesting book by Stefan Ramaeker and Judith Suissa about parenting advice and the increasing scientisation of parenthood/childcare (at the expense of the relationships aspect of it). Suissa also did a slot on Thinking Allowed about it (the second half of the programme, along with Frank Furedi), if anyone's interested.

The argument is very similar to the OP's point; parenthood is about fostering personal relationships not about the application of specific skills and techniques.

I think it's relevant. I think intercourse might be problematic but intimacy needs restoring as soon as possible. GF generally strikes me as being as mad as a box of frogs but I think a lot of women take their partners needs too lightly. A decent man won't push for sex when his partner doesn't feel up to it but he surely still deserves attention.

The problem as I see it (as someone who has never given birth) is that not being intimate can quickly become habit. I think the solution is encouraging intimacy that works post-birth so things like getting him to wash your hair for you or giving you a foot massage. Keep being naked around each other, keep touching and then try sex eventually.

I think I get what GF was saying but she was really ham fisted about it.

Oh my DH would feel just super if he knew I was "grinning and bearing it"

Silly me - I though our sex life involved mutual enjoyment - I didn't know it was all about him and that he is so selfish he wouldn't mind if I was in pain and hating every minute

Why is she a "childcare guru"? WHY?

"or giving you a foot massage"

Waitingforme - what makes you think that intimacy stops?

The fact that you have created this new little life together just drew me and my dh closer than ever, we would snuggle up just looking at this new little person.....

He thought I was superwoman and i wast just overflowing with love for him.......

Doesn't mean I was (or he was) up for a shag!

shagmund

I am imagining him washing my hair whilst most of it falls out due to lovely post partum hormone effect thingy..........all the while trying not to look at my leaking boobs and stretch marks

ah the romance.....

shagmundfreud

I had to hold DS2 pretty much 24 hours a day for about the first 4 or so months. He would not be put down. Any time not holding him was spent getting absolutely necessary things done or catching any sleep I could. Bugger DH's 'needs'; my need to pee/eat/sleep was far more important.

I hate all this talk of forgetting your partner's 'needs'; it always makes women sound like they exist simply to service them.