Sad story re gay parents - what do you think?

[Nettee]

here

Don't know what the right answer is to this one can see all the parents' point of view. And such a shame the good friendship has fallen to pieces too. Not even sure what would be best for the little boy - a proper relationship with his dad or a stable family life with one home and two parents and a known biological father.

but the CHILD would be able to fully express an opinion in a year or so, that's the point. and loving mothers tend to go along with what their kids actually want when it comes down to it.

I think their claim that they have " a traditional view of the family unit" is bordering on ludicrous. They purposefully picked someone they knew, someone the mother was married to! So what if they had a plan in the abstract, none of us knew how we would feel about our children before they were born, and if this man wants to be more of a father to his son than originally planned then they shouldn't be preventing that.

They should stop fighting and realise how lucky they are that there are so many people who love this boy. 2 mothers and a father, just make the set up that you created work, rather than trying to backtrack and erase one of them.

or not, in the case of separated families where the mother (in this case the mothers) do not want the father playing a full role (or even a slightly larger role).

happens time and again.

not to mention the influence on the child generally - background stuff which children pick up on - which may well mean he never asks.

too much pressure to put the onus on the child. totally unfair, especially at such a young age.

the mothers are threatened, that's all. their baby is being taken away for more time than they are comfortable with, and for more time than was ever agreed or discussed. when their child is older i'd have faith that they would go along with their child's wishes, especially if they knew that he could also express a clear wish to go home if necessary.

i actually know someone else in a very similar position to this, funnily enough, although no gay element. just co parents who do realise that they want their child to be verbal before spending overnight time away from the primary carer. again, it's pretty civilised by comparison to all this, no courts etc.

and again i don't think that step-parents/divorced experience is relevant to this at all... at least not until the dad went to court and turned things toxic. these people were friends, there has been no outside situation to change that. it's a great shame that they couldn't resolve it like friends.

There was an almost identical scenario in Australia last year www.abc.net.au/pm/content/2011/s3295814.htm but the biological father was taken off the birth certificate. Seems like these kinds of problems will only increase.

the dad didn't have much choice if they refused him entirely, hardly fair to blame him for "turning things toxic".

They should all think less about themselves and more about their child.

I think the problem is how you think you will feel about donating sperm and having limited involvement with a child afterwards is probably different to how he does feel about it. The child is biologically his and he has contact - he has discovered that he wants a son not a nephew. I doubt there is any malicious intent on any side.

All should treat the matter as if it were contact in a divorce - the fact the child has two mothers isn't relevant, what is relevant is that they didn't use anonymous donor sperm and therefore the child and father has rights which they now have to deal with.

"it's a great shame that they couldn't resolve it like friends."

Indeed-but that would have meant things staying the way the mothers want?

he had five hours a fortnight with the wee boy and a good relationship with the mothers.

now he has ... undecided time... with the wee boy and they loathe him.

knucklehead play imo.

Really difficult.

Imagine if you were in a happy r'ship buit couldn't get pregnant. Someone agrees to donate sperm and you have a child. All is lovely.

Then the donor decides he is the biological parent and wants contact and fathering rights.

Not easy.

What was he supposed to do, then?

Ironically, all the lesbian parents I know are desperately trying to find stable male role models to be in their children's lives...

perhaps they could borrow him.

always a risk you run Hully if you aren't using anonymous sperm.

it's very similar - it's a breakdown of a relationship where neither side now trusts the other to honour the agreement.

according to the article, the father has been consistent in wanting a full role.

it is the mothers who are feeling threatened.

and what they should realise is, as others posters have said, ther eis nothing to feel threatened about. he is the father. he is competent. he loves his son.

they need to get on with the situation they have - reissting this, and forcing the father to go to court for better access is a situation of their making.

I don't think a child should be fully verbal before they are looked after by a loving parent, btw. I find that extraordinary - why would the child need to be fully verbal? the human race isn't like that - it smacks of wanting to be able to extract information about how the child is cared for, or not trusting that the other parent is competent.

DS have one loving parent. Three sounds bloody fantastic (though perhaps more so now he is six and very keen on jousting)

What is a shame is that they can't see how beneficial it would be for the child to have a close r'ship with a same sex parent. It needn't threaten their r'ship with e.other or the child.

Would you be happy with 5 hours a fortnight with you child? He should put up with whatever crumbs they offer him so as not to rock the boat? I find that attitude appalling.

yy Kew

Life and people change all the time.

Bend like the bamboo and all that.

I think these situations are a bit different to normal sperm donor situations because the couple invites the father to have more involvement with the child than would be usual. As if having broken down the traditional set up they want to replace it with a different, more inclusive, idealistic relationship. So boundaries and roles are confused. And then they fall out and want control.

Me too Paranoid.

How well you put it.

Surely him wanting more than they want him to have is the risk they took by using him as a donor?

The more I htink about it, the madder they are. Voluntary babysitting, weekends holidays...

I wanna get me one o them sperm dads.

well of course it smacks of not trusting the other parent... fair enough for the primary carer not to want to hand their child over to someone who might not have the first clue about parenting.

not sure how we know the dad is competent with children, btw. does it say that somewhere in the article or did you just make that up?

Not sure how we know the mothers are competent with children either. What's your point?

I've just read it again.

Where they are even madder is that they want to be a "traditional two parent family"