Sad story re gay parents - what do you think?

[Nettee]

here

Don't know what the right answer is to this one can see all the parents' point of view. And such a shame the good friendship has fallen to pieces too. Not even sure what would be best for the little boy - a proper relationship with his dad or a stable family life with one home and two parents and a known biological father.

My friend has a daughter with her ex-h , and lives with her new fiance (female).

They all have a positive role in the little girls life , and they have produced the most lovely child. Mainly because they all put the child first .

This shouldnt ever be about the parents sexuallity , but what they can bring into the childs world , and how they can make that childs life a better one.

If they cant do that , then they shouldnt be parents.

Well said Droves

It says it all droves-there is nothing to add.

I think Edith has a good point. I occasionally thought before I had the dc that if dh had a fertility problem and we needed a sperm donar then it would be preferable to ask his db or df first. If that had happend and the childs's uncle or grandfather (biologically the father) started to ask for regular weekends and holidays away I don't think I would have been comfortable with it.

Yet maybe the issue here is that the father is not so closely linked to the family and expecially not to the non biological parent and it is harder because they have fallen out (which could equally happen in the senario I am describing).

Maybe it wouldn't be so good when very young Nettee, but as he gets older it is lovely for a DC to have a grandparent, god parent, uncle etc that they have a close relationship with and can go on holiday with. An extended family making their own relationships, without the parent necessarily being with them, can only be good. Possessiveness of DCs is just as bad as possessiveness of a partner. They can love more than two people!

yes you are probably right. I would indeed be happy for my 4 and 7 year olds to go away for the odd weekend with their grandparents and aunts and uncles. even the 7 year old to do a whole week. wouldn't want it to be all the time though. But probably not as bad as I imagine.

. back later when I've read the link ?

Such a shame that this can't be resolved amicably and also in the best interests of the child. Either party, the couple, or the man, could give more on this. I don't see why the child shouldn't have an occasional over-night stay or go on a brief holiday with the man ( his biological father, and previously friend of the mother )
Similarly I don't see why it has to progress to a "three parents, two homes" situation.
Compromise and tolerance - even friendship, and love (especially for the boy) these are what is really needed !
A shame the lawyers were ever let into this situation IMHO !

The child will benefit from a real male role model, it's natural and the biological dad will have the childs best interests at heart. In years to come the child will resent the mother and her pseudo mother if they deny the child a relationship with its real dad.

I wouldn't call the mother's partner a "pseudo mother"

But I think as a boy it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to have some good male role models. Given the situation his biological father seems quite an obvious choice - but I guess it depends how much they have all fallen out over this.

I don't know if the partner would want to be called a step mother either, surely she wouldn't want to be called dad. No, its far from an ideal situation. Maybe the adults need to start acting responsibly and put the childs need first regardless of titles.

'Sorry if i cause offence , but unless the mothers partner has adopted the child , then she is only a step-parent'

You are causing offence, I'm afraid. My nephews have two parents, both women. So do lots of the children of lesbian MNers.

FFS.

Anyway, Grumpla put it better than me.

motherinferior what does the child call its two female "parents"? (If it is old enough). Or indeed what do they want he/she to call them?

Well, that depends on the family. Why don't you go and ask on the lesbian parenting boards?

I think the fact that the main parental unit are lesbians is irrelevant.

It doesn't say if the bio dad has pr. if they didn't arrange this at birth then I don't think he should have an automatic right to demand it now.

No, he doesn't have the right charlotte, but he can also be done for child support if the mother so chooses. If you want a sperm donor, use a sperm donor IMO.

What a bloody mess :(

ok mother inferior ... no personal offence should be taken by my post.

My friends daughter calls her mum , her stepmum by her first name , and her father "dad" .

Unless there is a new term i haven`t heard of that applies specifically for gay couples, then a partner of a parent is a step-parent.

If im wrong then tell me the correct term to use and i will .

So what do you call the person who planned a baby, was involved before his/her conception, has always been there as a parent? Again, just go and ask the lesbian parents. Some of them gave birth to their children, some are the non-biological parent.

Don't ask me, ffs, I am someone who conceived a child far less responsibly than all the lesbian parents I know, with a partner I'd only been seeing for five months. I'm the one who 'had a baby as a lifestyle choice', not all these lovely women.

I don't see it as a mess. The DC has 3 parents who love him. The only mess is two of them being insecure and thinking it takes love away from them.
It only becomes a mess if the parents fight, instead of getting together and all thinking of the DC first and forgetting about themselves.

motherinferior .....id call them a step-parent...because there is no other suitable name you could describe them with. Technically anyway.

If the step -parent then applies for parental rights or formally adopts the child then in the eyes of the law they are as much that childs parent as the one who gave birth.

Whether the child calls both parents mum is really up to the family in question.

But why shouldnt a child legally have 3 parents all with equal rights ?
And someone should come up with a proper title ....

lol @ non-bio parent . just makes them sound like washing powder ...

.

Well, if you don't want to ask the lesbian parents on MN, just ask some of the lesbian parents you know in RL. There are loads around.

The names are unimportant-they all need to do the best for the DC.

A "pseudo mother" ? A step-mother? Those are incredibly insulting as well as inaccurate terms.

I can only assume that you're using them through either ignorance or homophobia or both.

I don't think you'd refer to a father whose partner had conceived using donor sperm as a "pseudo father" or a stepfather, would you?

As I said in my earlier post, there's a BIG difference between a partner of a parent who arrives on the scene after the relationship of that child's parents breaks down (a step-parent) and a non-biological parent who is in a relationship with the biological parent when their shared child is planned, conceived, born and raised. They are a parent. Nothing "step" or "pseudo" about it.

Also, why assume that the child of lesbian parents would have no male role models in their life? What about grandfathers, uncles, family friends etc? Just because lesbians don't tend to have sex with men doesn't mean they don't know, like and in some cases even live with them!

I really do think this is a sad case, and the problem is probably caused by the fact that there wasn't clear enough communication between the various parties about what the extent of the donor's involvement in the child's life would be.

But I know that if, say, a friend of ours had donated their sperm so that DH and I could have a baby, and then demanded to take that baby away from us for the weekend, we would be fucking horrified. And I very much doubt that DH and I would be vilified for not wanting to "share" our child in this way. I very much doubt that DH would be referred to as a "pseudo father" or accused of not putting the interests of our child first.