Clearing parents' house when they pass

[Soffana]

I was just wondering if anyone else is dreading the task of clearing the parents house after they pass.

My dad died a few year ago and my mother lives by herself in my childhood home. The house is filled with stuff. A lot of it valuable, but who knows what as it is mixed with clutter.

Articles, old magazines, broken toys. But also lot of china and linen from my grandparents' houses.

She is trying to declutter but ends up just moving piles. And also - I will not tell her to get rid of stuff just to make my life easier when she dies!

How do you feel about this?

(English is not my first language so I am sorry about my mistakes.)

I've thought about it a bit though my parents are well and only in their seventies. We've had grandparental homes to clear. I think it's natural to consider what is needed and although it may feel like a pending burden, it's actually really important as part of a grieving process. It gives you time to be close to the person who has gone. I did a bit of my grandmas house and i really needed it as part of mourning.

In practical terms be ruthless but kind to yourself. If you want to keep something, keep it. It doesn't have to be valuable or beautiful. If you don't want something it goes, whether it's a Mona Lisa or what.

If there is a lot of rubbish get a skip, if good stuff find a project that is rehoming stuff to those in need and if distinctive clothes then take them to a charity shop in a neighbouring town. You don't need to run in to a stranger in familiar clothes in Tesco.

We had to do it last year and it's a really tough job.

The one thing it's made me do is start clearing out the crap from my own house! You have to be really ruthless and not think you have to keep every photo/keepsake just because your mother did - everything goes into four piles - keep, sell, donate, bin.

If your mum is trying to sort things out why not help her? Offer to take some stuff she doesn't want to the charity shop or recycling/tip.

My mother’s house was so bad we just got a house clearance company in to clear the lot (after rescuing one or two items of sentimental value or actual usefulness). It was the wisest move for many reasons.
We paid them a small fee (they negotiate based on their estimate of what they’ll be able to sell) but it was well worth it.
They were kind enough to set aside any family photos etc that turned up.

My mum died in her late 80's and to be honest it wasn't something I'd ever given a thought to before she died.
My sister and I did it sharing many tears and glasses of wine, it was a good thing to do actually, helped our grieving.
We did the sentimental stuff first then got a bit more ruthless as time went on.

It made me de clutter my own house too for our children!

I still have nightmares about clearing out my childhood home after my father's death and it was many, many decades ago now! My dad had hoarding tendencies, my mum had been in bad health for a good few years before he died and so hadn't been able to really keep on top of much of it and it was a large house with many, many hidden corners and cupboards so it was a big, big job! But, to be honest, although it was hard physical work at the time, also emotionally difficult, I did also find the process of readying the house to be passed on to another family, hopefully to love it and bring up their own children there was quite cathartic, although letting it go with all the memories etc was really sad, I found the state it had been allowed to slip into sadder, plus I actually found getting stuck into a solid, practical task quite helpful with the grief.

Things that help that you could think about doing now, I don't think it's reasonable to expect your mum to actually sort it all out, it's probably overwhelming for her esp if she's a bit frail. But what she could do maybe is identify the most precious items, make a list of what they are and where/which room they are in in the house and (if this isn't too morbid) note any particular requests about who should have them after she dies. This latter point would have helped me enormously because a bit like you, our house had become the repository for a lot of family 'heirlooms' (of dubious value and quality mostly!) and the absolute worst part for me was the family arguments and stress caused by my relations saying things like 'oh your Mum always said I could have Aunty Ethel's jewellery box', 'I'm really attached to Grandad's books, don't throw them away', when I didn't know where in our huge, disorganised pit of a house these things were and whether they'd been promised to someone else or already given away or what. In some cases the recipient was not even prepared to come and help find their cherished items themselves and take them away, they wanted me to search, find and package their items and somehow transport them to them safely, all paid from my own pocket of course! One case my uncles actually said to me that I absolutely couldn't get rid of a huge ugly mahogany bookcase because it was valuable and an heirloom but neither he nor anyone else in the family wanted it in their house, what I was I meant to do, just take it to my house and keep it on his say so?! It turned out to be worth about £50 btw!

So yes, I think the best tactic is to focus on preserving anything precious or sentimental you really want kept, and then the best thing TBH is to either turn the house over to professional clearers or turn totally dispassionate yourself and hire a skip or van for tip and charity shop runs and empty it quickly without doing too much picking over of individual items and sorting. I know this is probably wasteful but is the best way to get the job done without it taking a zillion years and absorbing your whole life and energy into it.

Would your mum ever consider moving out - your childhood home may become impractical for her to manage in her later years - my mum moved out and sold ours after my father's death and it was 100% the right choice for her. Personally I am a huge fan of sheltered/retirement flat complexes because they are so much easier for an elderly person to manage (bills etc are covered in your service charge or rent), extra help is usually very easy to arrange if needed, the manager of the site can usually advise and they may have on-site carers, cleaners etc already and a canteen or cafe for meals, plus there's a ready made community of similar aged people which can do wonders to combat loneliness. I know that's not the question you asked but I think it would be loads easier to sort and clear the house while your Mum is still with us so something to consider??

My father has embraced the whole death cleaning thing and is forever appearing with a box of stuff for me that he's found in the garage/shed/loft/spare room - the only problem being that he frequently claims to have "finally" cleared the garage/shed/loft/spare room. It seems the clearing is creating space for more crap.

I'm doing it at the moment. My Dad kept things fairly organised and he didn't have loads of stuff, but there's still a lot to go through.
Once we've taken the things we'd like to keep, we are going to get a house clearance company in to do it. Not necessarily the cheapest way, but both my brother and I work and have young children, so it's the most practical way.

This is what house clearance firms are for. You take all the personal/sentimental items & let them take the rest. It’s just such a relief & one less thing to deal with when someone dies.

I had to clear my mums house very quickly when she died because it was rented. We hired a skip for the furniture, kitchen stuff, etc (none of it was worth anything) everything else, clothes, papers, ornaments etc went into bin bags and I went through it at my home. When your mum dies and you come to clear it you'll be able to decide very quickly what to dump and what to keep. No need to keep linen from great grandparents for instance.

There are some good books and workbooks on Swedish Death Cleaning which she might look at with you? They are sympathetically written with a gentle focus on our duty not to leave a massive task for our loved ones after we go. Also on enjoying a less cluttered life as we age and potentially downsize anyway.

We did this with my DMil flat. Her parents moved in when they married, she and her sisters grew up in it. She lived there for 95 years.
I do not think she or anyone else has a "duty" to empty their home of everything that made it familiar and ties them to their family, memories and past, just for us to have less work because we consider their possessions 'crap and clutter' (while accepting the inheritance).

I think there’s something in what @AtlasPine has said. I’ve been on and off the elderly parents pages for years, with both a parent and grandparent who passed. Parent died very suddenly and clearing their house was tough as they were young and it was so quick. They hadn’t had chance to sort their affairs, to be fair, but lived somewhere practical for older age. Clearing the grandparent’s was harder as they were absolutely on the ball but very old and frail and buried their head in the sand about moving to somewhere more suitable. We were left with a property in real need of major work that had to be cleared of 50+ years of junk - and yes, a lot of it was junk/hoarding tendencies.

I don't dread it.
I will take a very few keepsakes, family will take anything larger that they want, and then I'll get a clearance in.
Like you op, I want DM to be surrounded by things she finds important and not stressed by it.
I'm quite minimalist and not particularly attached to things, even sentimental items, so I guess it makes it easier to think of facing this in the future.

I'm dreading this. There is very little anyone will want or need so most will be going to the charity shop or the tip. That will make me very sad.

It will be the same when I die. Nothing valuable but a few sentimental prices of jewellery and Christmas things my children may want.

Every time I visit my parents they check I know where the few valuable bits are, the key to the safe & main documents.
They have a large house and haven't moved (or updated furniture etc) in 60 years but are quite organised. Ultimately it will likely be us removing items we want, selling Dad's lathes and letting a house clearance team do the rest.

My parents have a huge house with outbuildings crammed with stuff. Cynically though one of my siblings has spent the last decade angling to take over the house for her family and move them into an annex, which it looks as if will happen. If it does then the least she and her family can do is deal with the clutter and cleaning!

If the house needs to be sold I think all the multiple siblings will have to take at least a week off work to clear it, working quite industriously, if we look at everything properly, or pay a company quite a lot.

I am on a mission to have nothing not in current use aside from photos in the communal areas of our own house by the end of this year. Our house is rented although we've lived in it 15 years and have security of tenure, it does help avoid actually taking root and forgetting everyone moves eventually, even if only when they die or go into a home!

My parents think it's all down to us to do which I think is mildly irritating and unhelpful

I would hire someone to do it for me.

My DB and I had to clear out my father's when he died in grim circumstances a few years ago, and it was HARD. He was a hoarder, and though we had for a few years before made regular attempts to visit and clear by stealth (I'd do the kitchen and DB would do the bathroom each visit), in the year before his death he had refused visits.
The clutter was extraordinary. Not one clear inch of carpet to be seen, cat pee, food debris everywhere. Because his home was part-owned by an equity company we had to clear the place out in 6 weeks so it could go on the market (was supposed to be 2 weeks but they took one look at property and gave us an extra 4 weeks thank god).
Anyway, we did it, took the ruthless approach and disposed of bags and bags of stuff, kept a few mementos, then once the place was relatively clutter-free got a local house clearance company in to remove the rest and strip out the carpet etc. It was a bit traumatic, but it was actually quite cathartic for my brother and I to be able to chat about our dad as we cleared the place over a few long weekends.

I go the opposite way myself, inasmuch as I live in quite a deliberately sparsely furnished and clutter-free way, perhaps as a result of his tendencies. I would never want to leave my children to deal with a hoarding clear-out.

I did this a few months ago
We decided what we wanted to keep personally
What we wanted to donate
Some little things that I knew his neighbour would like
Then we hired a Clearance company and they cleared the whole house within 2 -3 hrs
Cost £950
I wasn’t there as I think I would have found it to upsetting as it’s my parents whole life
But I would recommend a clearance company over a skip if you can afford it

Oh and that was for a 3 bed 2 reception Victorian Terrace
My DH supervised it to make sure they took everything and didn’t take stuff we wanted to keep
They were a brilliant company and I would recommend them to anyone .
I then paid £600 to a garden company to clear the garden
House has sold for 20k over the asking price so it was worth it

It is a horrid job, I've had to do it when my mum died.

MIL is determined to make it easy for people and is a rabid declutterer. She's got rid of so much there's barely anything left and you are hard pushed to find so much as a spare teaspoon.

My mil and fils house isn’t a full on horders paradise.
They are obsessed with designer “stuff” and I would classify it as functional hoarding as the house can (notionally) be used Eg you can sit in the living room and their bedroom can be used but you have to Rejig things
the guest bedroom can be accessed and has a clear bed you can sleep on but there is NO WHERE not even a window sill to put your stuff. every one of the built in wardrobes is filled top to bottom with their clothing… every surface has things on it.

The garage and utility is a narrow corridor with boxes and things stacked and ready to fall. I won’t go in as it’s too dangerous.

My DH and I have discussed agreed we will remove the valuable stuff and get professional clearer to sort the rest

I am going through this right now. A large 4 bedroom house they'd been in for nearly 40 years. There's so much stuff in there, I've been taking out bin liner after bin liner, but apart from about 1/4 of the attic having clear floor space and a few empty drawers you'd never know someone was trying to clear it out. It's a nightmare and I've barely scraped the surface yet, I'm still doing what I'd describe as rubbish rather than clearing actual belongings. I'm about to order a skip to try and speed things up a bit.

I've cleared 3 elderly family members houses as they went into care homes/passed away. One was a hoarder who hadn't moved for 40 years! It took months and months of weekends to clear and put a huge strain on my marriage. First priority as POA/executor was to collate bills and legal paperwork, then as said by other PPs sell, auction, donate, bin. Hire a skip. I think if I ever had to do it again I would clear relevant paperwork and then use a clearance company.
The experience has made me VERY particular about the tidiness of my own financial and legal paperwork as I really do not want DCs to have to go through drawers and cupboards to find paperwork when they're grieving. It just adds to the stress!