Clearing parents' house when they pass

[Soffana]

I was just wondering if anyone else is dreading the task of clearing the parents house after they pass.

My dad died a few year ago and my mother lives by herself in my childhood home. The house is filled with stuff. A lot of it valuable, but who knows what as it is mixed with clutter.

Articles, old magazines, broken toys. But also lot of china and linen from my grandparents' houses.

She is trying to declutter but ends up just moving piles. And also - I will not tell her to get rid of stuff just to make my life easier when she dies!

How do you feel about this?

(English is not my first language so I am sorry about my mistakes.)

Oh good yes
Their house is full to the brim with ‘stuff’. They proudly declare all the stuff could have value in future, and we will get it.

In truth, we will take a few sentimental item and then get house clearance in. I haven’t head space to sell 30,000 old books on the parachute regiment and similar.

Underneath all that stuff is a crumbling house that hasn’t been maintained so it will be sold for cheap or given to whoever in the family wants the challenge.

My DM was killed in at accident on holiday at 69, my DF had died young some years before so this was the absolute worst thing I've ever had to do. She wasn't a hoarder but it was still a mammoth job. Stuff was split between me and my DB, sold, given away or to charity. It was done in somewhat of a rush as the house sold quickly and I still wonder where some things ended up!
PIL bang on about their crap and clutter which goes back generations and how it will 'pass' to us. They fail to realise DH and SIL plan a big skip (or several) when they're gone as it's all decrepit or totally undesirable.
I wouldn't do that to my DC.

I think if you can afford professional clearance it’s much better than a skip
For me to use a skip one wouldn’t have been enough
Then there is the time factor and the emotional stuff
I just put what we wanted under the stairs
I think overall the clearance was £950
Hiring a skip or 2 would have been £500
Plus I would have to remove the stuff myself
So an extra £450 was well worth every £ not to have to break a nail 😂

@Snuggledupforwinter
That’s what I did I had all the relevant paperwork removed and kept it safe

I Let the neighbours and friends and families have what they wanted
Then a big clearance and garden in one day
You can’t under estimate the emotional and physical stress this takes all while your probably arranging a funeral and other stuff

My Mum downsized 4 years ago ( at age 81) to a bungalow After living in her home for 48 years..... it’s was a mammoth task .....we had to clear the loft, garage, 2 sheds and summer house before even starting on the house.....numerous trips to the tip....the charity shops....eBay Selling...,so much stuff....one or more of us went over every weekend for 4 months ( me, partner, 3 grown up kids and son in law) ..... it was a massive weight off my Mums shoulders to get rid of so much stuff... she is much more of a minimalist in her 2 bed bungalow....she has nothing in loft apart from Christmas decorations and she only has one small shed ...... we could clear this new house in a weekend if needed later down the line

We have just finished clearing my MIL’s house. Thankfully it was a team effort but that in itself can cause tensions as to who keeps what. Despite keeping a very tidy house, my MIL had a colossal amount of “stuff” most of which went to charity shops.
The most time consuming was the photographs. We didn’t want to throw away any of departed relatives but had to sift through all the holiday snaps to be sure!

If your mum is making an attempt to declutter but failing, it would be kinder to help her. If she's thinking she can't throw out things from her parents because the next generation will want it, you can persuade to let things go without guilt. Some people really struggle to do this on their own, but can power through with moral and/or practical support.

@pickingdaisies

If your mum is making an attempt to declutter but failing, it would be kinder to help her. If she's thinking she can't throw out things from her parents because the next generation will want it, you can persuade to let things go without guilt. Some people really struggle to do this on their own, but can power through with moral and/or practical support.

I am more worried about the alternative - them really needing to move to sheltered accommodation or a care home, and needing to manage a massive reduction with a distressed parent still alive. Or them feeling trapped in a big house with all the overwhelming stuff and it preventing them moving to somewhere smaller that could really give them back some quality of life.

Reducing your wordly possessions down to a couple of suitcases for a care home is heartbreaking. I think I'd rather they leave me with a big job later. I may regret saying this.

oops sorry, I didn't mean to quote you @pickingdaisies. Or rather I did, but only to say this was very good advice.

I helped clear my aunt's place. Drink in various "secret" places.
She would tell people she had some valuable jewellery. It didnt turn out to be so. You could tell that, even by looking at most of it.
All in all, a sad thing to have to do.

Like others, led me down my own decluttering path.

I'm at my mother's bungalow as I write trying to do this now. There is so much stuff here I find it hard to know where to begin - every surface is crammed with knick-knacks. I don't think DM and step dad ever threw away a Christmas card. I feel overwhelmed with the task - physically & mentally.

@AtlasPine

There are some good books and workbooks on Swedish Death Cleaning which she might look at with you? They are sympathetically written with a gentle focus on our duty not to leave a massive task for our loved ones after we go. Also on enjoying a less cluttered life as we age and potentially downsize anyway.

That's so interesting, I had no idea it had a name but this is what my mum did after my father died, she sorted all her things out and downsized into a bungalow, I have five kids and work full time, my siblings live a long way away and she didn't want this to be a burden to me after she goes.

It's really hard - I'm doing this at my dad's house from a distance, I go about once a month, and stay over a couple of nights.

Debating whether to get a clearance company before putting up for sale, but then wouldn't be able to stay over any more as there would be no furniture or stuff in it - how would we tame the garden this summer as we did last year? If we put up for sale this spring it will be our responsibility for one more summer. Maybe two lots of clearance once I've finished with clutter or booking an initial council collection of a few pieces that would be easier to physically move out. Trying to make a sensible plan on a piece of paper!

There are costs to this - travel is affordable but a hotel or guesthouse would be difficult for the sheer number of occasions over what will end up being over a year or more, plus sibling from a much greater distance will need to stay when next visiting.

I think you need to remember that you don't need to keep everything that has a sentimental attachment. Choose a big box full of your very favourite, most precious things, and let the professionals do the rest. My parents died a long time ago, and even though I have fond memories of my mother's house I never think my life would be better if I had one more memento.

I worry about this and DM is only 60! I helped with the last move, never again. When she passes I will hire a skip.

My DGM wanted to get rid of her wedding china to clear up space. No guessing where it's ended up

It is a mammoth task, and a hugely draining and emotional one.

Is there any way you can help your Mum now, as you say she is trying to declutter?
I know I would love someone to come and take things out of my house. Someone who would take the time to either get it to a charity that could use it, or individuals, or even sell it if they wanted to / had the skills and the time. My barrier to decluttering is that I don't like the thought of something that could be useful being thrown away (I think it stems from being poor myself when younger). If someone would be prepared to come and help that would just be wonderful.
Might you be able to help your Mum like that?
Even filtering a bit and then a bit more and a bit more, sort of in layers, rather than expecting her to move from clutter to minimalism in one go.

My DH died only on Sunday. Yesterday I went to put some clothes in his wardrobe and found clothes still in their wrapping. I know he was a hoarder it's obvious but as I go around the house looking for necessary documents I keep finding all sorts of surprises such as books that have never been unwrapped. I sat down and just wanted to cry(again), it's such a waste, and now I am having to think about how to deal with it. He always told me to sell it all when he had gone, but, bloody hell there is so much stuff.

loislovesstewie so sorry for your loss

@chubley
You could arrange with the clearance company to leave a bedroom - even just a bed and bedding and clear the rest of the house
They are really used to this sort of stuff and are pretty accommodating.

In my experience it’s just better to get it done in one or two goes rather than little and often
It’s like death by a thousand cuts that way

Although doing it from a distance is even harder
My parents were only a ten min walk away so much easier to deal with
The stair lift we got the company who installed it to remove it . We didn’t want any money for it
It’s was only 3-4 years old
So they were happy to take it away for free

I'm in the same position. Loads of old bank statements that even I'm now getting paranoid about getting rid of them!
Remove a small amount of old newspapers or broken things every time you visit.

@loislovesstewie

My DH died only on Sunday. Yesterday I went to put some clothes in his wardrobe and found clothes still in their wrapping. I know he was a hoarder it's obvious but as I go around the house looking for necessary documents I keep finding all sorts of surprises such as books that have never been unwrapped. I sat down and just wanted to cry(again), it's such a waste, and now I am having to think about how to deal with it. He always told me to sell it all when he had gone, but, bloody hell there is so much stuff.

💐💐💐

My parents - early 70s - are doing this now. It’s very hard for them but they’ve both lived with the consequences of parents NOT doing it and the months of travelling / time / stresses that brings.

PIL aren’t and I’ve already decided I’m having nothing to do with it when the time comes. Not my circus.

It’s one reason I run an organised home. It’s an act of love.

@loislovesstewie I'm so sorry, that must be so hard xx

My parents house is crammed full of ornaments. Some tat but lots of lladro, hummel, and china and expensive crystal. Aunts and Uncles have passed away over the past few years and it's suddenly really dawned on them how little interest we have in this stuff. We have been telling them for years and years and resisting any attempts to buy us this sort of stuff as gifts.

So now we get lots of sad and slightly passive aggressive comments about how we'll throw everything away like our cousins.....

I'm going through this at the moment, OP. DDad is disabled so we've actually moved into the house he used to share with DM to help get him moved somewhere more accessible and are gradually sorting stuff out and getting rid of things and will eventually sell. DM was very organized but also had many hobbies so there is just mountains of stuff - so much of it is beautiful or good quality which almost makes it harder in a way as we can't keep everything but don't want to just bin it as it's too nice. DD's school has benefited from a lot of very nice crafting materials!

My parents cleared both of their parents houses.

I remember my mum being frustrated that she now had a (large) collection of her MIL ornaments etc in her house.
My Dad finds it hard to throw anything away.
Together they eventually sold things and kept things.

But they modelled for me the idea of selecting things you like to remember the person and being pragmatic and practical about the rest.
Sell, charity, tip.

They moved a few years ago and massively cleared out their attic etc, sold anything they weren't using, and downsized.
Recently my mum has set about labelling things, so they are easy to sort.

I am really grateful to her for this. But I dread the time coming, as everything in her house is part of my life too. How do you let it all go?