Clearing parents' house when they pass

[Soffana]

I was just wondering if anyone else is dreading the task of clearing the parents house after they pass.

My dad died a few year ago and my mother lives by herself in my childhood home. The house is filled with stuff. A lot of it valuable, but who knows what as it is mixed with clutter.

Articles, old magazines, broken toys. But also lot of china and linen from my grandparents' houses.

She is trying to declutter but ends up just moving piles. And also - I will not tell her to get rid of stuff just to make my life easier when she dies!

How do you feel about this?

(English is not my first language so I am sorry about my mistakes.)

I'm not sure whether it was better or worse for us as we had to start clearing our parents house whilst they were both still alive but had moved into a care home due to dementia plus some physical difficulties. My brother and I both had financial POA.

In this situation there were some things that went with my parents to their new home, some clothing, CDs and a couple of bits of furniture, ornaments and pictures so they felt in familiar surroundings .

My mother, in particular had kept a lot of items inherited from her parents, aunts etc which were in cupboards and never used. I think seeing just how much 'stuff' they owned which was not in use helped my brother and I resolve not to take on anything we didn't actually need as we didn't want our children to be faced with the huge task we had .

We kept just paperwork, photographs and a just a couple of sentimental items .

It took us a long time as we took as much as we could to charity and then used 'free to collect' on gumtree for furniture the BHF had rejected . It was helpful having my brothers partner work with us as she was a bit removed from it all. In retrospect we may have been better getting a house clearance service in, particularly if we had had a tighter deadline to move towards.

Been there and sadly got the Tshirt for this after DM died and I found cheque stubs and Xmas cards in a trunk in the loft from before I was born! Took me months of weekends to clear the house.

I've just told another elderly family member I will NOT be their executor (when they asked as they were updating their will) as their house is just as cluttered!
It's also made me organise my own filing for my own DC/executor when the time comes!!

I did this in 2020. My brother and I went through twice to take anything we wanted and anything with actual value to sell. Then I paid a house clearance company to come in and deal with everything else. If I'd been geographically closer and it hadn't been lockdown I would have sent more to charity shops, but tbh getting the house cleared out was the main priority as I didn't want to draw out the process and it was over and done with in 2 days

My parents have just moved into a retirement flat. Downsizing hasn't been easy for them as they have always been used to large houses. Looking back, I wish I'd asked them if there was anything they wanted me to take to the charity shop when I'd visited. If I'd taken away a box or two of stuff every month or so the task of downsizing wouldn't have been quite so great.

Thank you for all your replies. I am sorry for all of your losses, but @loislovesstewie that sounds so hard. I hope you have support.

I think the idea of helping her declutter is very good. I have done that but it will try to do it even more. The worst thing is I am also quite bad at it. But I will try to get rid of a bag everytime I go there.

Another thing that someone mentioned was that choosing a few things of sentimental value, but only a few.

My parents died within 3 months of each other last year,. They had stuff they’d brought with them from their previous house 65 years earlier, stacks of Illustrated Life and Evening Post 😳, all mouldy and rotting.
We cleared the sentimental items and personal stuff leaving furniture, china etc that the new buyers were happy to have so avoided total clearance. It was a huge relief because it was a big 5 bedroom house with outbuildings and would have taken an age and cost a lot of money.
I wasn’t aware thar a buyer might do this and we’re very grateful to them.

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp that is a good point.

We bought our first house from a lady who was moving into sheltered housing. Her son arranged with us to leave all the curtains and a few bits of furniture. It worked for both sides. 20 years on her old curtains are still our dustsheets.

Death cleaning. I will not leave my home in the state my MiL left hers. It took a long time to part with stuff, and there was A LOT of stuff.

I've been fortunate in that DM has gradually cleared stuff over the five odd years since Df died. She has always been v.organised (I'm not bad but she leaves me standing) and likes things orderly.

I've sold what I can on eBay or at car boots as the requests have arisen and the rest has gone (with some initial white lies in respect of worn out clothes) to charity or recycling.

Dbro tells me the loft is clear and other than general contents I don't think there will be an all consuming task awaiting.Like pp it's made me clear out stuff of my own. I really don't want dc having a major house clearance to do on top of everything else.

In your situation I think I'd encourage gentle converstaions about help with one category at a time. Starting with easy stuff like the ancient mags which coincidentally is where DM started (think yonks old local football programmes).

I had this recently with my dm house.
She kept absolutely everything and was a very heavy smoker.
It was quite sad the amount of good stuff I had to chuck away.
I kept a couple of items but the rest had to go
It’s also made me a bit more ruthless in my own home

I joined my mum to clear her parents house of 50+ years. It was definitely a big part of the grieving process for us. We were lucky that neither of us were working at the time though: she had just retired and I was on maternity leave. It was an emotional and very bonding time for the two of us.
Grandparents had grown up in the war era, and saved everything so we did our utmost to honour them and make sure we only dumped what couldn't be reused. We recycled, sold, or gave away everything that we possibly good and only resorted to the bin if that was the only option left. They would have approved.

I'm widowed and retired and becoming very aware of the task that awaits my DDs when I die. I'm not a hoarder, but have amassed a lot of stuff over the decades. It feels like a burden to me suddenly, never mind to them. So I'm slowly trying to get rid of stuff, but it is hard.

At some point I'm going to get that Swedish death cleaning book, in the hope that it helps me be more ruthless. But there are so many memories attached to things that are otherwise quite banal.

Everything from my mum's house is in a container unit in a farmer's field somewhere. She had a massive stroke 12 years ago, and lived six hours away. So when it was clear she could never return, we had no option but to ask a removal firm to just empty the house and bring it to a storage facility near my brother. I can't begin to imagine what awaits us when she dies and we open that container..

My DF has recently downsized from our large, old family home to a small 2 bedroom GF flat.

It’s taken me and my db all of last year to help sort the old house (don’t ask where the other 2 siblings have been in all of this….). There was so much stuff from the last 30 years that had just been in our family home, never used or wanted. It was just there, taking up space! DM died 15 years ago and it quickly became apparent that DF hadn’t even been in some cupboards in all that time - food that had gone out of date the year after DM had died etc.
There were some things that he thought were valuable, but after a bit of investigation weren’t at all.
We used the local FB page to give away lots of things - furniture, garden tools, books, unwanted kitchen stuff etc and we took other things to charity shops. I also had a lot of trips to the local tip where things were recycled appropriately. Very little ended up in landfill which we’re all pleased about.
DF is now set up in his flat and is so much more relaxed. He has what he needs. He didn’t need huge casserole dishes and a slow cooker to cook for 6. Now he has small pots and pans and a suitable sized slow cooker. Family heirlooms are boxed up together and labelled. Photos are in albums rather than fallen over on dusty shelves. It’’s been a huge amount of work but we know what’s what and where the important stuff is now.
As we cleared the house, it became apparent how neglected some parts really were. I’m so pleased that it’s now sold to someone who wants it and can give it the attention that it needs.
OP If you’re able to work towards getting your DM to a similar situation, it’s a weight off everyone’s mind.

We helped bil clear out his df place. It was FULL of stuff, every wall was full of shelves with crap on and he only had 2 weeks to clear it all as it was a HA house so we where round there most days. The amount of crap he had to clear just added to the trauma imo

What one of my relatives is doing, is that when he stays with her for a week or whatever, he goes through a couple of drawers with her. That way they are both slowly getting rid of things, and she is able to tell him her memories.

After clearing both my father's and MILs houses in the last two years (both rammed with stuff) DH and I have decided that's not happening for our daughter. Whilst only in our 50s we are decluttering ourselves. On Saturday we totally cleared the loft! (it's in the spare bedroom being sorted into charity /tip: we're keeping nothing as we haven't needed it in the last 10 years). The bedrooms currently a state but hey ... we have an empty loft.

We’re having a big declutter of our own house, I certainly don’t want our DCs facing a massive task when we go ( not that we’re planning to yet! We’re late 60’s/early 70’s)
I intend to have only what gives me pleasure or is necessary, no more ‘stuff’.
It’s actually really invigorating!

So far 350-400 books have gone to the library, 13 black bags and 7 boxes to the charity shop, the dresser is on Facebook marketplace and someone is collecting it Friday, and a bag of unused toiletries has gone to the village food bank.
I still need to prune my wardrobe further but it’s a good start! Kitchen, utility room, bedroom, living room and craft room done.

I love the idea of doing a drawer at a time with an elderly relative, and going through their memories with them while you do so. I’m going to do that with my mother.

I thought it was rather genius too.

Ddad downsized after DM died so did a lot of the hard work for us. He used oxfam books and BHF to clear a lot of unwanted books and excess furniture. Some lovely bits had to go though. None of us children had the space. Really sad about that but the memories remain.

Managed to pass on/ keep some large items of furniture when he passed which made me happy. Unfortunately we just don't have the space for a gorgeous old grandfather clock. I hope it went to a good home.

Definitely having a big clear out in 20 years time so my own children don't have to do too much.

I recently had to do this when DM and her husband both died last year. To be fair, she had been giving stuff away, and selling some of the more valuable stuff over the last couple of years (some of which I wanted, but hey, that's a whole other story), so it wasn't too bad.

My brothers and I did a quick sweep through for sentimental photo's and suchlike, we didn't want anything else. A clearance company came in and cleared for free, they make their money from selling on. They cleared everything, the house, garage, shed, loft, all the white goods, everything. It was wonderful, they cleared the lot in a morning, and I got a professional cleaning company to come in and do a full top to bottom clean the next day. Job done.

It goes both ways. 20 years ago I had a similar discussion with my friend who just had her second baby - her parents were in their 70s at the time. But she was the one who died first and her mum had to organise clearing out her clutter + raising her kids and she really struggled to cope with it all at the time. She’s fine now, has raised three amazing gc and is now swanning around the world chasing after them, but it did encourage me to declutter regularly.

I designated one chest (what my grandmother called a blanket box a but it was about a metre deep) and put everything that I wanted to keep - letters, photos, memorabilia - inside it and then cleared away the rest. It is brutal but it needs to be done. There are some things that you can’t throw away.

I'm dreading this as my DM and DF live in a tip. They also have semi hoarding tendencies. Their bathroom is filthy with rags clogging up leaks and old lino covering up cracked tiles. Their have been incontinence issues in the bedrooms never cleared up properly. I barely visit and they know why. I've paid for a deep clean twice. I've asked them to start putting photos and sentimental things into boxes but I doubt it will happen.