This New Year, The Fledglings are Flying a new approach

[HillsBesideTheSea]

Hello and welcome to new and old.

If you are new around here. Hi, introduce yourself around the fire pit in the naughty corner where we are all sitting comfortably. The naughty corner is decked out with comfy, and snacks, and a place just to have a chat when things haven't gone to plan. We are a very long running thread but do love new blood stopping by to join us.

Welcome to those who are returning.

We had a chat on the previous thread about possibly trying a new twist on the fly lady system. We all know that the fly lady system is good for establishing routines when we follow it. But we also know that sometimes we need a quick hit of a big declutter. And that life has a habit of throwing curve balls making it very difficult to stay on track.

So this is the plan. Each evening I will post the babystep, a thought point and the flylady daily focuses. We are not giving up on the fly lady system but just bringing it into line with the individuality of our lives, and trying to resolve some of the issues that comes from being the family brain, trying to do all the things and generally having modern busy lives. The thought point is to try to get you to think differently. And may require a click on a link (video), a discussion on the thread, or just you considering things. I do not promise it will make you feel better, or magically change your house straight away. But hopefully it will help with the overall flow and approach. And may just tweak the twee out of the fly lady system to the point where it is now your system.

But before you entirely regret your choices in letting my try this craziness we are going to start with some key basics that I really do think has been incorporated well into the Flylady system.

1. the mess, disorder and chaos did not happen over night. Give yourself the grace and time to fix it. (also known as roman weren't built in a day so don't kill yourself trying to get your house immaculate in a day)

1. Goals vs system.

We will go into this a little more shortly but to start, the fly lady system has an end goal - a house which is tidy and clean that comes second nature. It achieves it by building habits and routines that make the steps needed to achieve that goal second nature. There is a lot of research that says goals don't work, systems do. And systems are built on the formation of habits.

1. You are never behind.

You might not be making the progress you would like, you may have taken a break. But you are not behind. So again, give yourself a break and drop the guilt. There is probably a reason why you have taken a break - illness, other demands on time, mental health etc etc. And yes some days it is an effort to make sure that everyone is fed and ok. But that is ok, so give yourself grace that on that day that was exactly what was needed and thus you succeeded in the essential goal of the day. guilt is just going to make things harder than it needs to be. It is ok not to feel guilty if you did not do all the things.

I will be back later with links for tomo. I am posting them in the evening the night before because some of us are morning people, and some of us are night people. And this way everyone will be able to see prior to when they need to consider it.

Come park your broom in the new thread for a little while and have a natter whilst we wait to bring in the New year.

Thank you so much Hills Lots of useful stuff. One thing I resonated with from those videos was if I don't have a schedule then I can't fail at keeping to it.

I've gotten so I manage work and am 'on it' but can't seem to extend that to home. I'm now considering whether that's because I allow hyperfocus mode to run free with work stuff and actually the rest of the time is just knackered and recovering.

Anyway it's late. Day off of work tomorrow and only really need to mark one set of assessments and plan a lesson so technically there should be plenty of time in the day to do other stuff.... I actually bought myself a manual timer so maybe I can commit to putting it to use tomorrow and trying some 'chunking' of tasks and breaks/transitions.

I have an appointment with a doctor a proper one face to face! Ta Da!

He agrees that these symptoms could be nothing much or something concerning. Could be more than one thing. So off to see him tomorrow afternoon and he is going to prod my abdomen and do a string of tests. Continual pain for the last four days with no other symptoms than pain has swung it I think. Had a good chat and answered lots of questions. Considering ovaries as well as hernia, bowel and appendicitis as I reminded him about grumbling appendix from years ago. Let’s just hope it isn’t something awful.He did mention about something not really being in that position but then a quick silence ‘ah but it is you!’

I iced the last cake today and we have sampled it. DH has declared it ‘worthy of Paul Hollywood handshake.’ I think it will be handed out with a Do not drive after eating this cake notice.

🦋I did all the ironing, it has not been put away as DH has to carry the basket up. I have just noticed it has arrived. He must have done that after eating the cake.

🐞iced last cake and washed up utensils.
🦋made banana cake x2 with some of the manky bananas. Two had actually gone too far and as I had double the mixture beforehand I put some walnuts and dates in. Should be interesting. 2 loaf cakes.
🐞washed up again. Then did night dishes as DH made the tea- sausage and mash with his beloved onion and bistro gravy. Cabbage. Loaded DW.
🦋wrote some things in my new diary. DH doesn’t know he bought me that for Christmas.
🐞 S&S, also the shower drain🤮didn’t continue as interrupted by something DH shouted.
🦋LOL

Oh no that bloody pain has just moved around to my right kidney. So all the right side from navel to hip and below ribs and now my back and kidney. I’ve felt grim all day today. I need to show him a lump on my arm that I am a bit worried about. It has been there for ages.

Wassailing 💜 maybe they were captured by aliens👽

Hills what is it in the jelly sweets that upsets you?Why do we do it? I had some cream with my Pavlova on Christmas Day and then when I got away with it I had some more on Boxing Day. I had oat cream after that. I do wonder if that started all this...idiot!

Why I am asking about the jelly sweets is that I saw some vegan ones in the Grape something. It used to go under another name. I will look tomorrow as I pick up a leaflet.

We had a laundry when I was a teen. The first one was under our flat. It had two big tubs( you could bath a child in) and an old copper which you filled with water from a hose and lit underneath 🔥 then you poked and stirred it with a big stick brought it to the boil for sheets and nappies and the through two lots of clean rinse water and passed it through a mangle you fixed over the sinks.

The other was outside the kitchen and bathroom. It had a window from the bathroom so you could chuck stuff through the window if you were in the shower. It was a top loader washing machine that took a huge amount of washing like the American ones in films. There was a normal sink. It had a lot of wildlife in there.

I am looking forward to Call the Midwife as it goes into 1967 I can remember the sixties. Newbies - old person alert🔊🔔

🍒👋🍒👋🍒👋🍒👋🍒👋

p.s. I know I don't need to justify myself but I had a bad dose of glandular fever which started when I was nearly 15 and I wasn't allowed time off or proper rest and it basically turned into ME/CFS but that wasn't acknowledged till later after I'd ended up being diagnosed with depression and treated for that for a few years from about 17 onwards (I had a string of trauma and loss type events in the build up to dx so it makes sense and I was depressed but the more constant issue for me is lack of energy and being wiped out really easily and that tends to stay even when depression/anxiety is really well under control). I only work outside of the home 3 short days a week but for me that takes up a huge portion of my energy.

I also realised a while back that I likely have also always had adhd but it wasn't really a 'thing' when I was young and I utilised hyperfocus well to pull things out of the back last minute and pull all nighters etc to get through education relatively successfully despite awful attendance and inability to be consistent.

Basically I'm aware that stuff I beat myself up about because it should be simple my mind and it is for many people is actually not simple for me and I'm overwhelmed quite a lot of the time and if I let that start tapping into shame or guilt or total overwhelm then I risk depression and anxiety kicking off (which has been pretty serious stuff at points in my life so I take seriously avoiding that). It's all a bit of a delicate tight rope walk.

Thank you again Hills for your sensitive empathetic support and advice.

Not worries swallowed if those videos helped I would advise finding the channel on youtube. She has a whole huge heap of videos that make a whole heap of sense. There was recently a live video to celebrate a subscriber mile stone. It was advertised as being on one day: que message in the community tab which start Hi, so I have ADHD and things don't always got to plan (or something like that). The actual live ended up being a week later. Her channel is real (and sometimes makes you feel called out but in the best way)

You are not the only one here with CFS and probably ADHD. And boom and bust approach is definitely one many of us can fall into. Look after yourself. And if you need to chat, pull up a chair in the naughty corner there is a wealth of experience on the thread.

Frankiefirstyear May I suggest that you do yourself a favour. Stop looking at the list of what you didn't get done, and celebrate the success of the things that you did get done. You achieved a lot even if you didn't think so. There will always be more and focusing on what you didn't do is training your brain to think that the effort and what you did get done is pointless, and if is it pointless than where is the point in doing it because you are "failing". which is a lie. You are making progress, it is not as fast as you like but it is still progress.

Red the natural colourant paprikka. Stupid arsing nightshades! I know better than to risk the ones that actually have potato flour in them.

Also it was the ones from the grape tree... Good place to buy herbs in bulk at a not horrific price. But thanks for offering.

Morning all, I've read the last couple of days but feel utterly exhausted so won't comment individually, but sending everyone who needs it positive vibes.
I went to start car to take it for mot, wouldn't start!! Ended up being taken by AA to a different garage to get fixed and I still don't have it back/mot done. We live incredibly rurally and this is overwhelming tbh.
Ta Da:
I made leek and potato soup overnight for tonight's dinner.
The sink is done
That's it ☹️
Up at 4am with youngest and already today is just ugh. But, focus and plan so, I hope today to manage to clear everything from the living room that doesn't belong there, mop and vacuum rugs. And have an important phone meeting that is probably the real reason I'm so tired as it's been worrying me for weeks.

Granny I'm sorry the youngest conspired to get you up early when you have worrying things today. Hopefully just the passage of time will get the phone call out of the way and reduce some of the stress. It's ok if today is an Everyone Fed, Nobody Dead sort of day - you've already sorted dinner and shined the sink. Everything else counts as a bonus win. Hope the MOT is done today, managing without a car in rural areas can be a nightmare I'm sure.

Frankie six hours childfree is not just an opportunity to go flat-out for that time! You made good use of the time you had and, I hope, had some time for you. I love my job, but sometimes it feels like half my head is in the wrong century.

Swallowed you are doing really well to stay on top of work. DS2 had glandular fever / post-viral fatigue from 9-15 so I do understand how awful it can be when society says "just get on with it!". We are always here to listen - No Fledgling Left Behind.

Red glad you are getting a hands-on appt and hope the Dr can offer some insight and assistance. 🤞 it's easily resolved.

Up glad DD2 is behaving herself and growing madly. I look at the tiny premie sleepsuits (I kept one cos I'm a softie) we had to buy for our hulking great 20 yr old and wonder how he ever fitted in them!

Very tired today as the dog was up at 1.30 and 6.30. It's not as if he's a puppy, I need to work out what the issue is and stop it.

To do:
🐧 Morning routine
🐧 Pilates
🐧 Ring DM
🐧 More chasing of this errant family - I think they've hopped across a county border. But which one?
🐧 Work planning
🐧 Finally put away Christmas bedding from the spare room (duvets and pillows as well as covers)
🐧 Catch up on archaeology and Around The World In Eighty Days

Fly I have no wise words 💐💜

Feeling like shit this morning. I went to bed at 9.45 but the extra sleep hasn’t helped in the slightest. Wishing I hadn’t agreed to attend a coffee morning.

Must get up and breakfasted.

Right. Dryer is on cool setting with work stuff. I have eaten. We have all three Caglets at home today and it all feels a bit chaotic and lethargic at the same time! I have an hour till my bus but DH is in a zoom appt for the next hour.

po3.1
❗️Quick check of work emails
❗️Shower and dressed
❗️Make sure older Caglets get on with some work/homework before I go

What i should be doing : sorting boxes of paperwork

what i have actually done :
rearrange all the washroom cupboards
sort out the picture that needs dealing with
half load the dishwasher
pull out a load of boxes and see what the contents are
figure out the storage solution that will be implemented for the first aid kit
rearrange the plants
water the plant
watch the lonely few remaining fish - can't restock until figured out if cured the cause of the problems.
attempt to get ds up
sort laundry for putting a load on

i have also tidied the lounge and about to hoover it once i have thrown some clothes on, which do get it to a point where i would be happy to sit on the floor to sort paperwork, and kinda counts towards achieving that goal. But it doesn't solve the issue of the missing paperwork.

Can anyone say productive procrastination?!

Red can't think that I've ever read specifics about your issues but sounds nasty! Hope you get some answers and help today
You too fly

Thank you hills it's true what you say, I think once I've moved the piles of things from my car I will start to feel like I'm getting somewhere rather than I'm just moving the chaos from one place to another when I want to be free of it 😅

Wassailing I always forget the 'everyone fed, nobody dead' moto, I'm going to write it on my bojo board thank you! Also, I struggle to take on board that I need any me-time, and usually do go flat out whenever I'm child free, though I do put an 9pm limit so I can chill a bit or I'd never sleep.

Been to see two dogs today, one being a hound variety which I've never had before and he done a hound bark the whole time 😱 anyone with experience of hounds and if they're so noisy in a home environment? Then another even bigger Heinz57 who was lovely but much bigger than I was looking for.
Was really looking for a dog I can carry under one arm to get over the countryside gates easier 🙈

Just checking in on lunch break, Thursdays tend to drag a bit workwise.

Hills - I am going to try and look at those videos later in the week, but I am completely unlike you in that I avoid video content for the most part and strongly prefer to read. I just never seem to find time and a quiet place for video whereas reading can be done anywhere at any time and in very short bursts.

It's been a hectic week, will try and catch up later.

Definitely right to get it checked out Red - it makes me think of my twisted bowel - pain can be abdominal pain can be nothing or something really serious.

Thanks again to Hills and to you Willing

Today I've been mostly stuck to my bed because I was in work from 10-5.30 yesterday and used a lot of energy and had a good day but definitely wiped out today.

I have managed to do a lol and hang it out and put away a small amount of clean laundry. Plus the obvious morning routines for animals and boy. I also ordered some holiday clothes for ds and sorted out some banking stuff and done a tiny bit of work stuff but that's about it. I have a set of assessments to mark but I don't start early tomorrow and I will wake up early and do them before work.

My goal I think is to have the house sorted and clean by the time I go away for the Easter holidays. a) I may need someone to come in and out to feed the cat or if he'll agree have my nephew come stay here to look after cat and dog whilst I'm away and b) It's really horrible coming home to a messy, disorganised house after the bliss of only having to deal with a handful of possessions and a simple life for a while ime.

At the weekend I will try and have a go at doing your list idea Hills - think it was once and done and recurring for the columns? The idea scares me which is stupid I know. It's the overwhelm I can't stand.

In the interests of openness and accountability I spend a LOT of my life in my bed. I also drink too much really - not vast alcoholic binging just far too consistently and definitely more than we should in a kind of self medicating way.

My more hyper modes are generally more about zoomed in focus to one thing and that's usually more of a mental activity than any kind of physical busy-ness unfortunately. Teaching takes a lot of energy from me but suits me because it's sort of 5 things at once and for a contained period of time eg. till the bell goes so it keeps my attention and draws on my strengths. My attention issues don't even turn into starting five jobs but not finishing them unfortunately but are more like I need to be watching something and playing a game on my phone and mentally planning work in the background itms. So not all that productive.

I 'think' that yes I need to try and build a schedule but I need to be massively realistic about how much I put into it on days off work and how long I need in between tasks. On my days off my periods of rest and be are definitely way way longer than my periods of activity. I'm better at short bursts of the latter so maybe I need to plan that in.

At work I even have a marking schedule and homework setting schedule so I know what I'm marking which day, when homework is going out and when it's coming in from each class etc. Home is just a free for all and even the idea of setting a system or rules or routine freaks me out. I also really identified with what one of the videos was saying about time perception. I generally don't get bored and something like an idea or a concept I see mentioned or a medication or whatever can cross my awareness and I go hmm that's interesting and decide to learn more about it and I can be lost in that for hours. My mental life is busy and really active and eat the majority of my life meaning yes home a mess and daily routine out the window etc but also can mean I just don't feel the need to see anyone or go out or keep in contact people but I know those things are important in theory and I should make space for them.

If I didn't work I think it would be very easy for me to be pretty much agoraphobic and live in my head and be really isolated except ironically when I spontaneously decide I need to be on the other side of the world for a month and will be super social and busy.

I'm trying to say all of this (whilst feeling awful for droning on and coming across as weird and self indulgent and excuse making) and not just feel ashamed and mentally judge myself as lazy, weird/weak, childish, just need to grow up and adult like everyone else etc but go ok this is how I am but let's see if we can't find some ways of working with that a bit better. It has taken a fair bit of time to get to the stage where I'm coping with work and feel reliable and competent and like wow actually I've been keeping up this level of organisation and managing in the same job (unusual for me) for years now! I'm also really good with finances and and planning and keeping an eye on savings, pensions, moving bank accounts to take advantage of switch offers or benefits etc. Maybe, possibly, gradually it's possible to extend that to other areas of my life?

Sorry for very long post.

I've somehow ended up with a chi Frankie - never thought that would happen. They're definitely easy to stick under your arm. Can I interest you in mine?

willing it'll be Northamptonshire. Northamptonshire is my bugbear.

Oxfordshire crops up occasionally in the Other Set of [Surname] but it's rare enough to be noticeable.

Staffordshire is Annoying for that particular surname because a totally unrelated but veeeeeeery similar surname is all over the place there; but only one of us appears to have ever bothered going that far and he died ten months before his daughter was born (which I thought was quite clever...).

H had an email from Sainsbury's which included a summary of the year's spending. Not very much because we're the other side of town and usually go to Tesco, but apparently we're the area's Top Purchaser of PLJ

S1 has got the train. No choir because of The Situation. About to make KFC-copy baked chicken. Ooh, ought to iron S2's last few bits of washing.

Fly just wanted to give you a huge high five for being so self aware and coming up with ways to work with the grain, rather than against it. Recognising your strengths, weaknesses and where you'd like to improve is such an achievement in itself so just wanted to recognise that.
As much as I've heard lots of 'you should do it for yourself and not just someone else' I also find it more motivating to reach a goal when someone else will benefit (your nephew).
And yes I'd take your chi in a heartbeat I'm in a battle of head and heart with these two I've seen today.

Frankie I've heard hounds can be a bit barky but they are lovely. We have a large Labrador and I often wish I'd chosen a smaller dog that I could pick up. It's so hard choosing isn't it.

Today: Had a bad night last night, palpitations, twinges, etc and DH said I needed a day off "that ruddy cleaning app" lol. Then I saw the devastation in the family kids bathroom (which included them ruining an expensive JL towel dumped in my cloth rinsing bleach bucket). I ended up doing the bathroom in 15min chunks throughout the day. At least it's done now & was one my zones.

I have had things come up here and potentially need to go awol until after the weekend. Will someone be so kind as to post the links for me for tomo, sat and sun when relevent?

TIA

Happy to do that Hills. Hope all is OK.

YesTaDa
🥨audiobook
🥨got DS to do maths
🥨ordered meds
🥨paid tap invoice and put money in savings
🥨park/food with friends
🥨zoom meeting for work
🥨sorted a load of pens and pencils
🥨LOL

ta da
🚖shower
🚖laundry hung out/in dryer
🚖sorted some more pens and pencils
🚖got DS to start some physics
🚖bought a few next size up clothes for Cagletini in Boots sale
🚖coffee morning for work
🚖taught maths lesson on zoom
🚖hid under a duvet on the sofa for several hours - daring to leave the house two days in a row appears to have finished me off
🚖work emails and finished 1to1 form

Just lost my post as I got booted off mumsnet. Damn!

Basically been to GP was good to see him after so long. Took bloods, physical exam of tummy and have a test for tomorrow to hand in. Says that will give quite a bit of info and we can work from there but to let him know if I get a temperature or anything else untoward that I am worried about. Passing blood etc phone. I am hoping it is nothing serious and so is he. Had a chat about other things for a couple of minutes.
Advised to get booster. Going tomorrow if possible. Self care.
Posting

Thought I was going to lose that as well.

Frankie I wouldn’t get a hound. We live in hound country and I have known people take them on. In fact someone got one before Christmas as her old dog had died. She is an experienced dog person...she said he is hard work. Most of them are not used to being inside. They are out in kennels in part of the park. Also you wouldn’t be able to trust them with a small child. If you have never seen hounds out hunting you won’t realise how they can behave and would they distinguish between a small child and an animal( Fox) I am talking about fox hounds not beagles, Bassett hounds. Lovely to look at.Not used to being on a lead, though their is a woman in the next village that walks hers on leads , many are not. Take your time and you will find the right dog.

On getting up to go for a wee I noticed a basket and then realised I hadn’t posted my TA Das

So
Put away the ironing from yesterday.
Stripped and remade bed.
Went through a box of random crapBRC and sorted it out. Some sewing/ mending to do.
Going to look at what is left in my bedroom and consider what is holding me back from getting it sorted/ put away( maybe no space in drawers) or what I could do to rectify this.
Washed up.
Noted three BRC in dining room to sort through.

Just a quick flying through whilst taking a break from the crazy here (don't ask)

Swallowed
Yes it is 2 columns: 1 and done, and repeating.
from the 1 and done list you look for the quick and simple task and the important tasks first (and important task might be important because of time sensitivity, or it might be because it has other things that are blocked if not done)
The repeating tasks are things that you are looking to build a system, repeated routines and habits so they become second nature. Like on monday evening we take out the bins, clean the bin and set it up again for the week because tuesday morning is bin day so the wheely bin needs to go on the drive.

The goal is NOT to use the list to beat yourself up. In fact I am an advocate of writing the lists and then putting them away for a week. Brain dumping it can help to trick the brain into not trying to remind you every 5 mins so you don't forget to do the thing. I should probably pull my lists out and cross things off the lists as i have not look at them in a couple of months.

It can also help you see success because one and done are solid successes and when you live seems to be a constant repeat of stupid things like picking up the same damn lego again and again it is easy to get discouraged because as the bigger picture it literally seems never ending.

Right 3rd quarter is about to start and the capitals need to kick some butt.

I recognise a lot of what you are saying Swallow i self medicated with coffee because it helped to focus me. Stimulants are a treatment for ADHD. But 10-15 cups of coffee in a day is just not healthy. I am done to typically 1 or 2 but today has been a day and it has been 3 caffienated cups.

Also i am the kind of person that used to have the tv on whilst listening to the radio and doing homework all at the same time and could tell you what was going on in each. My adhd is very mental with an inability to be still even when I am confined to bed on a flare day.

Step one: figure out what is a potential problem
step two: decide if it is a problem
step three: look at the solutions
step four: implement chosen solution.

You have got this, and remember you don't HAVE to start by writing a schedule, you can just start by recording what you do and when. It is really really useful for spotting patterns.
Eg: a crash day will always follow a high stress day, Mondays and fridays my butt is superglued and i really don't make 5000 steps.
Have i figured out what the solutions are to these issues yet? nope. Is there good reasons for this? yep Is there any point in telling myself i am failing at pacing or my 5000 steps per day? nope. I just need to figure out HOW to get it to work now I have identified the problem.

Like i said before you have got this, just be kind to yourself, it is a process and you wouldn't be the first person to find it makes you feel a little raw to start off with. It does get better, it does get easier.