This New Year, The Fledglings are Flying a new approach

[HillsBesideTheSea]

Hello and welcome to new and old.

If you are new around here. Hi, introduce yourself around the fire pit in the naughty corner where we are all sitting comfortably. The naughty corner is decked out with comfy, and snacks, and a place just to have a chat when things haven't gone to plan. We are a very long running thread but do love new blood stopping by to join us.

Welcome to those who are returning.

We had a chat on the previous thread about possibly trying a new twist on the fly lady system. We all know that the fly lady system is good for establishing routines when we follow it. But we also know that sometimes we need a quick hit of a big declutter. And that life has a habit of throwing curve balls making it very difficult to stay on track.

So this is the plan. Each evening I will post the babystep, a thought point and the flylady daily focuses. We are not giving up on the fly lady system but just bringing it into line with the individuality of our lives, and trying to resolve some of the issues that comes from being the family brain, trying to do all the things and generally having modern busy lives. The thought point is to try to get you to think differently. And may require a click on a link (video), a discussion on the thread, or just you considering things. I do not promise it will make you feel better, or magically change your house straight away. But hopefully it will help with the overall flow and approach. And may just tweak the twee out of the fly lady system to the point where it is now your system.

But before you entirely regret your choices in letting my try this craziness we are going to start with some key basics that I really do think has been incorporated well into the Flylady system.

1. the mess, disorder and chaos did not happen over night. Give yourself the grace and time to fix it. (also known as roman weren't built in a day so don't kill yourself trying to get your house immaculate in a day)

1. Goals vs system.

We will go into this a little more shortly but to start, the fly lady system has an end goal - a house which is tidy and clean that comes second nature. It achieves it by building habits and routines that make the steps needed to achieve that goal second nature. There is a lot of research that says goals don't work, systems do. And systems are built on the formation of habits.

1. You are never behind.

You might not be making the progress you would like, you may have taken a break. But you are not behind. So again, give yourself a break and drop the guilt. There is probably a reason why you have taken a break - illness, other demands on time, mental health etc etc. And yes some days it is an effort to make sure that everyone is fed and ok. But that is ok, so give yourself grace that on that day that was exactly what was needed and thus you succeeded in the essential goal of the day. guilt is just going to make things harder than it needs to be. It is ok not to feel guilty if you did not do all the things.

I will be back later with links for tomo. I am posting them in the evening the night before because some of us are morning people, and some of us are night people. And this way everyone will be able to see prior to when they need to consider it.

Come park your broom in the new thread for a little while and have a natter whilst we wait to bring in the New year.

Ohhhhh Hills and ED my dh is the absolute worst at this too! Anything he does: lawn mowing - mower gets left out for weeks - I am not physically strong enough to lift it alone and take it back downstairs. He does no DIY really but if he ever has to use a hammer or any sort of tool, it gets left out. Ditto cables, ladders, light bulbs, screwdrivers, spirit level, coats, shoes, books, papers, files, not to mention any sort of cooking utensil, it drives me nuts!

In fact, owing to recent discussions, he has offered to take on even more cooking (to be fair to him he already does a lot of cooking and food shopping which is very much appreciated) but he never tidies up between meals! So although it would be lovely not to have to think about cooking: the kitchen would be permanently scuzzy and untidy with stacks of washing up (we have dw so no need!) , the surfaces unwiped, the bin overflowing, and he wouldn't cook veg frequently enough ...more trouble than it is worth frankly I tend to tidy up my own cooking ( I tidy as I go along) and loathe having to tidy up dh's!

I have tried giving him more food shopping to do and he says he will do - and really means it - but then gets caught up with work, so again, not worth the hassle.

I constantly say to him "putting stuff away is an important part of the task" and he agrees, but then doesn't do it! Arrghhgggh

Call me cynical ED but a "collective" view about tidying up is highly convenient for men who don't do any!

I don’t usually buy panettone. I remember enjoying it in the past though (Italian family friends so we had it a lot!). I was wondering about trying some in French Toast form. I mean screw the calories when it’s Christmas right? :o

I am showered and dressed. DS has got himself up which is good as his sleep cycle got later and later during the holidays. Today is the first day back at (home)school for him - decided not to rush back for a couple of days last week.

Trying to think about habit stacking and what I can add next. So far I only really have basic self care stuff (stuff most people do without thinking, but as an ADHDer with two ADHD parents who thoroughly neglected self care, it has been an uphill climb to learn this stuff as an adult) - I get up and take meds immediately, brush my teeth when I visit the loo. I have to listen to or read at least a chapter before I get stuck into mumsnet or puzzle apps etc. I have to shower and dress before going downstairs for breakfast. So… I’m thinking about what’s next. Possibly something house related, but I also want to get into the habit of maybe just checking my work emails fairly early each day, as sometimes I tend to procrastinate (the disadvantage of being able to choose my own hours!).

The chapters I’ve listened to this morning (Atomic Habits) also discussed “temptation bundling” - so I could stack the habits I need between the habits I enjoy.

I really need to think about the bad habits too though. Hills I very much relate to the not putting stuff away

Right. Will go and have breakfast and then:

po3.1
❗️Get DS started on work
❗️Log on to work laptop
❗️Assemble drawers and see if I’ll need to paint the sides or not

Is it good the Atomic Habits book Sing? It has come up as one of the possible choices for our book club.

SC - to be fair to my DH he does do some of the collective tidying, he is pretty good with the kitchen after years of training. But in other rooms he does the "shove it in the nearest cupboard" technique so I can never find things and he only really clears the floors so he can vacuum and the sofa so he can put the throws straight. Tables, shelves, mantelpiece etc stay completely untouched. Another annoying thing at the moment is that he is into mountain biking and this means lots of layers of lycra, waterproofs, gloves, socks etc, none of which can go in the tumble dryer so he drapes them all over the radiators and leaves them there till next time he wants to use them instead of putting them away when they are dry.

All the reviews i have come across on youtube rave about it, and a lot of the thought points have probably been influenced by people who have read it who then make videos which i have found when searching. I particularly remember the author did a view about his own book because everyone else had done one. So it has the potential imo

ED that's fair enough then! If it really is collective! (Albeit not as though you would do it.). Sympathies over the mountain biking stuff though! DH likes to have stuff "to hand" as well ...which is why nothing is put away ...it's a question I think of not being socialised to think about everyone's convenience rather than just their own.

Spoiler alert: I will definitely need to paint more of the drawers and the chest itself. It’s more like staining as it’s soaked in well, so it shouldn’t affect the opening/closing. Will have to wait till Cagletini’s in bed!

DS has done maths and chemistry (turns out he has homework due tomorrow oops), I’ve done a bit of work. Not sure what to do next really. My brain clearly isn’t working! And actually I’m procrastinating over tutoring stuff. Sigh.

Why is balancing everything so bloody difficult?!

Atomic Habits is fab - very easy listen, interesting with lots of anecdotes and studies. Not preachy in the way that some books like that can be.

Red not been to those places yet but they are on our list. We've moved 100 miles north of our old house, so loads of new places to discover. It's very exciting.

ED my husband is a cupboard & drawer stuffer. His side of the wardrobe, under the stairs cupboard, the sideboard, and our bottom two office drawers now contain loads of random crap he's shoved in there. I can't complain as he does do a lot around the house as I can't bend.

I changed loads round in the app and made new categories, so I'll need to get stuck into the new zone stuff today.

Why is balancing everything so bloody difficult?!

I dunno Sung I haven't got it right yet, and I am almost liberated from hands-on parenting nowadays. In the run up to Christmas, it was hideous, but I did loads and remember thinking "if only I could skip Christmas this year, I could use this energy to really effect change in the house" and of course, now I have the time to do just that, it's the last thing I want to do! In other words, one of the biggest barriers to getting stuff done is myself!

So going forwards: it's got to be habits & routines again, strict timetable in 30 min increments, certain tasks on certain days, limited SM, tick lists and sequential objective chart. Christmas has been lovely but time to get my head down now and crack on worst luck. And catch up with health spots. I wish I could be more balanced but for me, for some unknown reason, it has to be full on or full off! On the positive side: I am very, very lucky to be able to spend one day a week with HOTLF to "renew my spirit" every week.

Health spots = health appts!

Real talk :why is balancing every thing so difficult?

we take on to much
we are not realistic about how much time actually something takes
we are failing to understand the more stuff the more cleaning that is necessary
we are failing to accept our limits and plan to those, rather than comparing ourselves to other/what society has conditioned us to feel we should be doing
we are expected to be on demand 24hrs a day by modern society and thus doing stuff. So we do not plan in time to be, and by "to be" i do not mean reading or engaging in some form of focused activity. Literally just to be
we do not take time to heal and recover and thus it take significantly longer than if we did. Convalescence was a thing for a reason.
We forget that once upon a time raising children and keeping house was considered a full time role
we try to be all the things to all the people
Society is so dysfunctional that half the times we don't ever recognise the lies it tells because it is so normalised (time concepts amongst other things)
In particular: We are told that there is no such thing as bad luck, but that we are just not working hard enough, wanting it enough, that our circumstances which are out of our control are our fault
We are told we need to find joy all the time, and made to feel defective if we don't. And quite frankly we do that thing because we have to but we hates it and it makes us feel like crap, we just know it is important so stick your constant love light and unicorn farts somewhere uncomfortable
We are jacks of all trades and masters of none ie we are striving to do all the things. Which basically means we are forgetting "Whilst you can do anything, you cannot do everything"

...I could go on.

BUT ultimately knowing the reasons probably doesn't solve the problems because we can't fix society, we can't spot other people putting demands on us (family and external organisations), and we are only one person. So starting with basics and systems could be a good way to focus on the changeable/in our control circle. Whilst we figure out what the fuck we as an individual can do to reduce the rest in a manner we are comfortable with.

...And there endth the rant.

Ta da:
early morning washing in TD
fed wms again
dog walk
DW emptied
kitchen sink shone, bin cleaned, crumbs swept up, surfaces washed down, all of ingreds DH used to cook with over w/e put away, swept floor (treble sigh)
collected all dirty laundry from all floors
picked up all wet towels and dirty laundry from bathroom floor (sigh)
found missing laundry baskets
made pea, broccoli and leek soup in soup-maker for lunch
roasted vegetables in oven, blitzed and made in to sauce, as accompaniment with cold cuts from yesterday's roast and and rice tonight
carry more dirty laundry downstairs
had heated family negotiation about distribution of tasks!

To do:
fold dried laundry and put away
write a few NY letters
general tidy
triage more laundry
ironing
start tidying home office which looks like a bomb site post Christmas
another dog walk
clean hall cloakroom and change towel
feed wms for tomorrow morning

All intensely boring!

We don't build in spare capacity and are constantly running on maxed out.

Hills

X post Hills wow that is quite a list! Not a rant at all but very observant, sensible, useful and reassuring advice! Thank you

Also, I am totally with you on the unicorn farts

I have eaten lunch (which is good as I forgot breakfast). Really struggling with knowing what to do still but must force myself to at least find a power of three!

po3.2
❗️Towel LOL
❗️Make and send an invoice and a zoom link
❗️Put a few things in a cupboard for selling stuff

DS has physics but he can do that with DH

Sing sometimes we need to look at what is high priority, what is an easy win, and what will help most in the long term.

So for me that would be:

1. get my study done
2. get up, showered and take a 30min walk
3. deal with ds and his situation.

I have done 1. About to do 2, and really really don't want to do 3.
Honestly I would probably rather go de-spider the shed with bare hands i hate spiders than deal with ds' situation. But it is important for the long term. So i need to suck it up.

😂 zoo 'Try not kill him(purely as be more stuff to clear up)'. Been there when my ex visits our DC 🤬

Hills loving todays thinking points! So far I've noticed...

1. Getting distracted by my phone from FOMO, especially missing calls/texts from BF so set him to emergency bypass and silenced the rest. Also terrible at popping on my phone to check something (recipe etc) but then things pinging while the phone is active so getting dragged into phone world for longer than planned.
2. Being overwhelmed by the 'always gets worse before it gets better' especially where cooking is concerned. To try to combat this I either set one day aside when I have childcare to batch a heap of stuff, make a large portion of whatever for tea to use and split, or do one easy recipe on an evening while DC in bed.

Will have to be mindful for next day or so to list 3-5 I think 🤔

Slinging thank you for sharing you dog experiences, I'd definitely have to feel right about the owners to take on a dog who hasn't been put through its paces at rescues (in terms of health and issues). I've actually fostered a red rage cocker previously- literally Jekyll and Hyde over seemingly normal activities (putting my socks on for example!), but that was preDC.

More on DSD (desperately seeking dog) for red slinging and anyone else who's been interested and helpful...
Two more days til one home rescue comes out of isolation, so we get to meet a couple of dogs that could potentially be shoehorned into our 'suitable' category (due to their size). And another rescue haven't listed our applied for dog as 'reserved' yet so every finger and toe crossed for that one as she's our favourite by miles!

My booster arm is sore today so still haven't sorted the car, but have baselined the house so far and will set a timer for the car and attack it with large bag in hand so I can sort it all out in warmer pastures!

Absolute bravos to the rant hills 🙌

Hills I cannot disagree with a single thing you’ve said. It’s all so true. We wear many hats and spin many plates.

Really, I (as a family, we) need to simplify things to make everything run smoother. Systems not goals for sure! But it’s difficult to find the energy to do that simplifying because all the daily stuff still needs doing.

I’m a bit gutted with myself that I didn’t do tutoring prep over Christmas for example - I wanted to use the time without pupils to really tidy up all my downloads and resources, make some new ones etc. But I didn’t. I don’t blame myself really as health was pretty rubbish throughout the holidays, but it’s frustrating that I am playing catch-up again. I still have time to sort more before starting uni.

My main focus though, as I keep coming back to, has to be the clutter. I can do all the organising in the world but if we have too much stuff that doesn’t have a home nothing will really change will it, we will still be living in chaos :( and like you said in your list hills more stuff is more to clean.

So with that in mind, once I’ve taken a few more towels down for the LOL, I will:

po3.3
❗️Pull out some BRCs from the trofast on the landing, and sift through them
❗️Reassign some tubs for Cagletini’s toys
❗️Tidy the tub that has spare bathroom stuff in

X-post hills that’s a really interesting point about the three types of priority. I will ponder that!

The easy wins are good for motivation but can end up just being "busy work" rather than "productive" if you have come across those definitions Sing it is something I have to be really mindful of as I am very good at slipping into Busy work, and failing to be productive.

Zoo I forgot to say this morning, I hope you have your own space back now!

Sing Give yourself a break; you were not at all well over Christmas, you couldn't prep lessons when everything was spinning! Think of it as resting properly, in order to recover, so that you can sort it from now on, slowly, over time! And I am with you on the clutter which has built up again after Christmas.

Ooh Frankie that's so exciting! Fingers crossed you will have your new dog very soon! If you have previously fostered a red rage Cocker then you have all the skills! and candidate dog will be very lucky to have a home with you!

RedSquirrel I meant to ask, were you able to talk to your DD via Zoom or similar over Christmas?

Busy work is definitely something DH does interestingly. I mean… I get it. He wants to tidy the living room as it gets bad quickly with three kids (and a lot of executive function lacking in the family)! But it does get frustrating because I can see that we are churning, moving stuff around to clear a space but it’s really not making any difference overall.

I’ve been very slow with the decluttering today, but you’re right SC I am going gently. I’ve sorted some easy stuff (some put away some rubbish/recycling) and I’ve also washed a couple of tubs. I’ve used some of my personal spends to buy a series online to watch (The Middle - not to be confused with Malcolm In The - hard to get most seasons on DVD!) and I’ve been enjoying that while sitting on the bed.

po3.4
❗️Sort the spare railway bits into a lidded tub (most is in a box at the back of a jam packed cupboard but there’s the odd bit lurking plus a little accessory from Christmas - that way it can go in the cupboard too for now
❗️Rehome a few more toys and fill a box with the random “not a big category” toys like her peg board
❗️Put the cables I’ve found in the big electronics box along with the cables I saw under the sink

Well i know what i will be doing shortly. Filing ALL the paperwork. I have just had a letter from the bank which requires a firm letter of complaint and a chasing of all the details first. I do hate a good curve ball.

Oh damn hills :(

I’m done. For now at least. The last journey up the stairs felt too difficult and my brain feels like it’s full of cloud so that’s a sign to stop! Don’t feel like I’ve achieved a huge amount but I know I have made a difference even if it’s not obvious. The key will be whether I build on it though as it goes back to the hideous mess so quickly.

For that reason I have found a little tub that I’ll use to collect stuff to take up - there is so much random crap on the Kallax/windowsills and much of it is easily rehomed upstairs - if I fill it to the top that’s an efficient use of one journey up the stairs. But I’ll wait until later as filling it means standing up for a while.

For now - rest rest rest.

And chocolate chip brioche.