#4 - Hoarding, Sorting, Organising, Friendship, Understanding. All On One Thread.

[Solo]

Are you a hoarder? Are you in a mess, untidy, disorganised? A bit lazy with housework? Are you are ill and not coping with the housework? Are you totally overwhelmed? Are you are emotionally attached to items for whatever reason and can't let them go? Are you unable to just ask someone in for a cuppa at a moments notice or do dread the meter reader asking for access?
Do you find yourself nodding whilst reading any of this? If you have a combination of any or all of these things or something completely different, please come and join us. There is no judging. We have something in common here and we have a common goal. We share our ideas and we share our disappointments no matter how big and our celebrations no matter how small. We cheer one another along and drag the drowners from the depths of despair.

Join us; we don't bite! Welcome to thread number 4.

Hurrah! All caught up with 4 mins on the bike left to go :o (doing 20mins each time ATM, having had to build back up from when I was very weak).

AF arrived so I’m feeling really rather crap but I’m determined to still get the decluttering done while sitting on my comfy bed!

Hope you’re ok @Solo and we’ve not heard from @cherrytree63 for a while :(

Ruby I very much hope your other half is actually helping more. Have you got your sense of taste and smell back yet? Mine is back to normal now - I had another tin of the same soup I had while recovering and it actually tasted nice this time rather than like bitter metal :o I am, on balance, fairly convinced we did have CV, going by the progression of weird symptoms in myself and the older two Caglets. I’d thought it was tonsillitis at first but TBH I’ve had that tons of times and with none of the additional issues we had this time! DH had a very sore throat and coughed a fair bit. We are of course acting as though we haven’t, and still being careful, but I am not so anxious. When the antibody tests are easily available I’ll be in the queue for sure!

One thing we’ve done since the start of this term is instigate a routine. We are far from successful at carrying it all out yet (especially the evening routine as we are all exhausted by then) but it’s definitely progress. DS asked if we can keep it after lockdown! I explained the reason we are trying it now is because we don’t have all the other stuff like sports clubs complicating things and that we are using this time to try and get used to a basic routine so yes we definitely want to keep it long term, it may just evolve as time goes on!

And the key thing is, we put a chore chart up for the older two Caglets (DD1 is 12, DS is 10, DD2 is only 2.5) and it’s working pretty well! We are going to add more to it today, as we warned them we would after they got used to it, and some things can now be adjusted as DS’ eczema on his hands is better (it got infected so didn’t want him doing things like putting bins out). I think the reason it’s working is that it’s predictable and set in stone but varied through the week (we may actually do a two week timetable this time like DD1 has for school! Most things would stay the same but it’d mean they can take turns at some weekly stuff). They grumble a bit when we just ask them off the cuff to do something random but this way they know the (pretty reasonable I think) expectations. Most of it is pretty quick and easy stuff anyway.

Right I’d best go and have breakfast before I get started on the Bags of Random Crap!

Been busy in the kitchen today. Still got loads to do but, I'm hoping to have enough energy to get more done after work tomorrow. I need a new kitchen - desperately. So, I think my wood burner is going to be shelved unless my Ds can pay me the loads of money he owes me. That could work (in my dreams!).

Hope you get your money back solo a new kitchen would be fab!

I had a mixed week with some very bad days and got no more decluttering done until yesterday. I think I just have to accept it’ll mostly be the weekends when I do stuff because during the week doing home ed with DS and keeping DD1 on track with schoolwork is really intense at the moment.

In more exciting news I’ve started thinking about careers, joined a couple of basic online courses and feel motivated to use this time even more to actually get everything sorted so that if I do start looking for work things at home will be ticking over more easily.

Chucked a binbag’s worth yesterday plus added more to the recycling pile. We don’t really have “big wins” anymore as we did a huge amount of decluttering before we moved here almost 2 years ago, and now the sorting takes much longer because it’s all tiny bits and pieces.

We still have bags and boxes full of random crap but it’s reducing a lot at the moment. Yesterday we did loads in our room and moved furniture round. We can see FLOOR!!!

Hope you are all ok.

Well done on all the decluttering @LaneBoy!! I keep the house (reasonably) tidy but anything in depth - like cleaning the bathroom - has to wait till the weekend for DP to take the DC out for an hour or so... like you, I just don't get time to do anything during the week other than the usual routine of cook/ tidy/ help with schoolwork/ try to stop the DC killing each other...

I think that's a really good idea about the chart though; my DM used to grumble that me and my DB didn't help round the house enough but when we'd say fine, what shall we do, she couldn't actually point to anything that she wanted us to do! We kept our own rooms tidy and would have done washing up/ vacuuming/ food prep if asked, but the house was always a complete tip and small efforts would have made zero difference. Looking back now I wish we could all have made a big effort, got it sorted and then kept on top of it, but even when we left home it made no difference!

Are you thinking of a career change? I was hoping to join a college course in September and train as a TA, but obviously I don't know yet if the course will even be running. Plus it was the best part of £1000 and I don't know now if we will have enough money for it

@Solo I hope you will be able to afford your kitchen soon!! We had ours put in five years ago just before the DC arrived. I would re-design it tomorrow if I could, there are many ways it could be far more practical - the joys of hindsight, eh?!

I’ve no career to change from really ruby as I haven’t worked for years due to illness, before that I was a library assistant (far too physical to go back to). So I’m basically starting from scratch. Just trying to start thinking of potentials rather than needing to rush into anything, which is pretty lucky. I have a few ideas (play/art therapy or something like that are the most interesting to me so far) but it’s a bit overwhelming!

Anyway we rebuilt the kallax in our room and have now put a load of proper games on there, long way to go to sort through the rest though.

Totally get you on the upbringing description. It’s a big reason for why we are doing the chart, I never learned this stuff and don’t want them growing up in a home like I did, getting told off for not helping when it’s not their fault that they don’t know what needs doing. Also tbh at the moment it gives them something to do! I’m pretty confident we can keep it going now. They don’t do jobs perfectly but a lot of it is stuff we weren’t getting done anyway so it’s still better!

I really hope you can still do the course when ready! 💐

DD1 is going to school on Thursday, and full time from Monday, schools are allowed to use their discretion for cases like her (young carer, SN without EHCP etc). Bit overwhelmed but I know it’s best for her really.

This thread disappeared from my TIO list, took me ages to find it!
I'll catch up with everyone before I bore you all with my life story

Hope to hear from you soon @cherrytree63! For no apparent reason, this thread never stays on my TIO either

Oooh do tell us some of your ideas @LaneBoy, TA is my best option at the moment (we have no free childcare, so I have to fit work round term times) but I'm open to other ideas. Ideally I'd love to qualify in something more practical - maybe an occupational health/ physio assistant - but it takes quite a long time, is expensive if you don't get sponsored by a Trust and again, doesn't fit round school hours.

I was remembering again how my DM used to go off the deep end about us not helping out around the house; fair enough if we hadn't done xyz that we were supposed to, but in actual fact DB & I were quite self sufficient (we had a much younger sibling and basically fended for ourselves after about 10 & 12), what she actually meant was that she wanted us to do stuff round the house but hadn't specified what... in the meantime we would make our own meals, do our own washing, tidy (and keep to) our rooms, watch TV for a bit but then go straight out etc so we couldn't see the problem. A chart would have been a great help!! With the benefit of hindsight I can appreciate that she was trying to look after a little one and two older kids, work, do everything round the house (my DF was, and is, useless in that respect) and was probably peri menopausal too. But of course teenagers aren't well known for seeing things from other people's points of view!

The hypocrisy hurts doesn’t it? I used to feel so confused by being shouted at for having a messy room when the rest of the house was awful - I really don’t want my kids feeling like that.

Career wise I’m still looking for ideas mostly. But the ones I’m drawn to are mostly things that help either autistic adults (because I am one :o) or kids with SEN. My therapist has also sincerely said that I would make a great therapist :o

It’s all hinging on confidence though TBH. I’ve never been a confident person anyway but it’s practically non existent now - I haven’t even tutored since I was pregnant with the toddler and yet I was doing quite well with it before that.

Sorted the toddler books today and got rid of a few really tatty ones. Nothing else done though as I’ve been pretty overwhelmed and any time I do have some energy I’m helping DD1 with schoolwork that she’s struggling with - can’t deny I’m really glad she will have more school input now.

Oh you're right @LaneBoy, that was my experience too! I remember being completely bemused when my DM would shout at us for not vacuuming or some other random task, even though it wouldn't have touched the level of mess and clutter in the house. Looking back I think that's when my hoarding tendencies developed; DM and DF would often promise to buy us something or take us somewhere, nothing wildly expensive (for example, we never went on holiday after our younger sibling was born) but even so it would be forgotten/ overlooked. I learned to just get what I could, when I could and hang on to it...

That's interesting about working with SEN children, it was one of the things I was looking at too, just depends whether I can get some experience at a school. My confidence is at rock bottom though having not worked (well, at a workplace, in other ways life with twin babies/ toddlers has been bloody hard work!) for five years and being 3st overweight... I think a college course would have helped but not sure yet whether I'll be able to do it.

Being a therapist would be amazingly rewarding... would you consider it?!

It’s hard to know when there are so many options out there! I do really like the idea of being a therapist of some kind but when it would likely mean working for myself, promoting myself etc that feels quite risky. I really crave working for someone else ATM. I’m thinking I want to qualify for something long term but maybe look for something vaguely related to do in the meantime. Obv depending on job market etc after all this. I’ll need to be so careful not to take on too much physically, so I’m not rushing into anything.

Today I had a FaceTime assessment (autism charity for the DCs) in front of the lovely stacked Kallax with all our board games which she commented on :o no decluttering though, I’m totally worn out, emotionally more than physically.

Hello LaneBoy Ruby and cherry :) Really good to see you all.

Well, I'm having to return to work at the office from Monday. Not happy about it, and will be leaving Dd at home alone for 3 out of 5 days. Whilst I know that I have left her on her own whilst working, potentially leaving her for 5 days a week (5 hours a day out of the house) until September I think is not going to be good for her mental health, so, I've negotiated 2 days at home. My ME has been pretty bad since last Sunday, and I am in pain and so, so tired.

This afternoon I have put a load of stuff away in the kitchen. I can't really use 2 double wall units as they are coming off the wall. The sink unit is rotten (and a little chewed by a rodent - which is gone btw). I must've had a bad bag of flour or similar as I've got pantry moth...I've cleaned out all the cupboards to try to tackle that; still got some moths appearing though. I feel like such a failure having been WFH since lockdown, it's given me more time in the house and I've not really got much done. Loads of clean clothes though - not that there was lots pending, I've just been able to get it done and on the line to dry which has been fab.
I've been baking a type of bread over the last month. Not sandwich-type bread but, it's fabulous to eat alongside what you'd normally put in a sandwich. It's so easy to make.

I wonder when the charity shops will reopen. I bet they'll be overwhelmed with donations.

Dd is completely unhelpful. It's a fight to get her to shower and clean her teeth at the moment. "Dd, you stink" is just not persuasive enough.

Your plans for work sound exciting; I do wish you both luck :)

My Db and I had certain jobs to do when we were kids. Mum was a bit of a Rottweiler when we were growing up, with a vicious tongue that matched her well-aimed smacks. She suffered with her mental health which has run in the family with both myself and my Db suffering and my own Ds...I wonder if it was my fault; maybe my parenting style was too strict. I do hope Dd doesn't suffer the same.
Anyway, we didn't dare not do our 'jobs' so, that wasn't an issue. I think my Grandad was a bit of a hoarder with his tools and car parts. Mum has become increasingly untidy over the years and she'd blame everyone in turn. It was my Db and my fault, then I left home, it was Db's fault. He left and it was the dog...then Dad's fault. Well, she's got no one left to blame and it's still untidy! Lol.

It's strange to me because I kept everything mostly tidy as an adult but, it's got worse and worse over the last 13 years in particular. It all stops me from doing so much and I hate it.

How are you all?

Hiya. I was doing ok for a bit other than dips in motivation but I’m just really fucking lonely and sad now. Which sounds ungrateful as I have my lovely family and plenty of stuff to do etc. But it’s hard to see the point in anything IYSWIM?
I am managing to do l little bits of sorting here and there but not as much as I want.

How are you feeling? Is the ME any better this week x

Hi Laney what has happened? Why the sadness and loneliness? Do you need to talk to your GP?
I'm the same; bits and pieces here and there. My ME is there, lurking in the background :( . I just have to keep going. But, you...you need to feel better . Is this feeling something that pops up now and again? I do get those feelings but, they aren't usually long-lasting - I hope it's the same for you too. Huge (((HUGS))) to you.x

for @LaneBoy and everyone else who's feeling low.
My house is a pig sty again .
I've actually been painting my dining room, chugging away, not to a professional finish but I've been pleased with my handywork.
But Grrrr OH decided it needed another coat of paint, so I got held up with painting the woodwork, but after telling me he's doing it tomorrow, for a bloody week, it never got done, he then took the mantelpiece down (not really a mantelpiece, just a random beam) with the intention of building a new one, but left this ten ton piece of wood blocking my skirting boards, then took 10 days to get round to refitting the cupboard doors.
I hadn't asked him to do any of it, just needed his help to move the furniture,.
Then I said my next project would be to sand and paint the front door, and he had the cheek to tell me not to start anything and then ask for his help ffs!
He then offered to help my tidy up, as long as I didn't start adding loads of jobs to the list, so I said I'd need him to Hoover the stairs.
Which he translated as all he needed to do was Hoover the stairs.
So we had a massive row about it and nothing got done.
I'm horrible when I row, and I was going through my very long list of "and another thing..." when I brought up that he never changes or washes the bed clothes, and he said he does half the job. He puts the clean sheet on for me and considers that his share.
I freely admit that I'm the untidy one, but we both create dirt.
I really don't think he's ever going to change and I'm very frustrated by it all.

Oh no! cherry :( . I feel for you. I have been very shouty at Dd for a while now. She's not being very nice, has a massive attitude and backchats me all the time, giving me those faces only a teenager can pull. She won't wash/shower/clean her teeth. Won't help me at all but, wonders why I am hacked off with her.

Kids, dogs, and men! Grrr!

Well done for getting the decorating done though

Thanks Solo.
I think my new goal is to tidy and clean one room each day and see if that doesn't mentally overwhelm me like the thought of the whole house needing cleaning does.

Cherry I think like that too but, I can't keep to one space at a time - I get distracted. Good luck though, let us know how you do.

Hi all. Sorry for my little vent the other day. I was really sad as my friends didn’t want to meet up when the rules relaxed and I was feeling quite bitter about it TBH (especially as one had actually offered) when seeing others meet up. Maybe it’ll change now though as it’s groups of 6 from Monday. I just miss seeing people.

Managed to get more decluttering done though, today I got rid of quite a lot of toys - it was ridiculous holding on to various incomplete sets of things in the hope that we’d find the other bits. Some of the things are too young for her now anyway and she’s missed out on time with the really lovely toys that she does have because I’ve felt like I needed to keep it all stored away as I was worried about losing bits. So. Less is more. I want her to have the really nice toys out and accessible on shelves downstairs, with the stuff like wooden blocks and duplo still upstairs so we can bring it down and then pack it up again.

We did a major “stash and dash” today in the living room so loads of stuff is now on random bags and boxes which is far from ideal but I don’t think I can organise the living room without doing that.

You've done well LaneBoy :)

Don't apologise either! If you can't rant/vent or anything in between, where can you? :)

I've wasted another weekend. Stupid of me as when things get back to proper normal, I won't even have weekends to do anything.

Thanks solo 💐
I totally hear you on the frustration. I really could have everything sorted by the time lockdown is over if I actually got on with it at a decent pace. As it is I seem to do a little bit which feels like a drop in the ocean, and then give up for a few days until I feel reinspired! Tomorrow is hopefully such a day, as I felt a bit better today and got some home ed prep done. Need to go through toddler clothes at the very least.

Here’s to a new month 😱

Hello everyone, I'd just like to say this is a lovely thread, no one seems to mind if we go off on a tangent or have a rant about whatever.
So I'm having a tangent rant if no one minds, partly because if my DIL is on MN (I doubt it, she's more of a "hun") she's not likely to look here.
I've touched on the subject before, she absolutely hates me, but I've remained the bigger person and not risen to any of her vitriol, I've apologised for any upset I've caused (it's too outing to write here, but everyone who knows has been totally wtf? at what caused it), but she threw it straight back in my face as it was "the wrong kind of apology".
But my son phoned me last week saying he wanted to jump off a bridge, that he was going to give up on his child as he can't stand the grief she gives him. I had to hand the phone to my OH for a while as I'd started crying, I'm 200 miles away and feel helpless.
Things have calmed down for him, but I've been very unsettled for a few days.
Anyway, back to house cleaning, the washing machine repair man is coming tomorrow, so I had to clean my kitchen, and DP HELPED with only a minor tantrum from me . My dining room is still tidy, I've given the hallway a quick lick and a promise, so I won't be too embarrassed to let him in.
Although I will shut all the bedroom doors in case he uses the loo .

Sorry I fell off the thread, it keeps going out of my 'threads I'm on' list and then I forget!! Ahhhhh!

Anyway, I hope you are feeling better now @LaneBoy, sounds like you made a lot of progress with the decluttering! I would love to meet friends but I very rarely get to, DP is so ruddy useless at looking after the DC that it's a rare treat for me to leave them with him. And then I have one particular 'friend' who kept letting me down - we'd make arrangements and then she'd tell me that she'd double booked that date and drop me. After the third time of that I gave up offering to get together to save myself from more hurt

I'm still struggling on with DTS1's ASD assessment, had a phone call from a lovely HV a fortnight ago who promised to send me a further questionnaire and then call me to follow up... neither happened. I've chased it up but don't think anything much will happen until lockdown finishes and we can re-book his hearing test to assess how much his (lack of) hearing affects things. And I'm no further on with the college course either, the college told me that a tutor would contact me to discuss it but again, nothing. I don't know if I want to spend almost £1000 on a course if they're proving to be this unhelpful even beforehand!

@Solo how is it going back at the office? Has your DD taken any of the personal hygiene hints?! My DM recently moved into a new house without my DF - she'd blamed him for all the clutter in the old house (despite him having moved out 20 years before!) so we'll see whether she manages to keep this one tidy. The thing is that her osteoarthritis is so bad now that I can't see how she can do any cleaning at all; my DB suggested that she get a cleaner but she refused, no idea how she plans to keep anything clean

Really sorry to hear about your DS @cherrytree63, how awful to feel helpless when he was so upset. I'm glad things have settled down now; is there anything that can be done to help sort things out now everything's calmer - child access etc? Major win though with your DP ACTUALLY HELPING WITH CLEANING!!

My DTs are back at school now but mornings only, which gives me a whole two hours a day to myself. Sadly it's nowhere near enough to work through my 'to do' list that built up during the endless years weeks of lockdown...

OMG cherry that’s so awful I’m sorry your DS has felt so low. It’s good he was able to talk to you.

Ruby sorry you’re getting no further with the course, that’s frustrating about the lack of communication, and from the ASD assessment too. I haven’t even started my distance learning qualification as I’ve been so focused on not letting DD1 fall further behind. She’s happy to be in school (only her bestie and about 6 other kids in a school of 1k) but she needs to understand she has to put the work in to keep up with lessons.

Solo I hope things aren’t too strained with DD and your ME is manageable.

I’m still pretty up and down mood wise. I’ve withdrawn a bit from some friends as it’s just upsetting me more.

Decluttering still very slow and the house is still a tip but there is some progress, in small snatches of time and energy. For example I went through all the toddler clothes yesterday and we can get rid of half as it’s outgrown, and we have just about enough in the next size other than jammies really.