My DH has been a sod to our cleaner

[CircleofWillis]

My DH hates spending money. We have a large house split into two parts. There are studios and rehearsal rooms in the lower part of the house and we live in a flat at the top of the house.

We have a cleaner who cleans the two kitchens, two bathrooms, and a shower room, one cloakroom, two lounges, 3 flights of stairs and the associated hallways in four hours.

She has been with us for nearly three years and has been totally reliable and lovely. I only see her briefly on the day she comes as I have to speed off to work.

My husband sent her a message last night suggesting she come for half an hour less time each week. He made no mention of reducing her jobs but stated that we seem to be keeping the place cleaner in between visits and do not need her as much.

He did not speak to me about this beforehand.

I am the one who prepares for the cleaner, tidying up, washing up and making sure surfaces are clear. All my DH does is top up the cleaning supplies.

We originally got the cleaner as DH was not pulling his weight around the house. Also I went back to work full time. It is paid for by the rent from the lower house but that goes to DH’s account so he probably feels like he it is coming out of his own money.

I left an extra weeks wages for her as an xmas present and he removed it from her card stating he had already tipped her in her wage packet but wouldn’t tell me how much. Last week he asked her to do some extra jobs as she finished early. She was not happy as she had deliberately worked faster so that she could get to her next job in time.

I personally am fine with her doing this but my DH believes it showed she doesn’t need 4 hours hence the text to her last night.

She has written back to say the commute to ours is very long and she will drop our keys round.

I am so annoyed with my DH. There is no difference in how I prepare the house before she comes apart from the fact that he does a bit more tidying in the week so I do a bit less preparation.

She has been on time and reliably for nearly three years and I trust her around my daughter, all the studio equipment and our precious objects.

I have sent her a txt asking if she will stay with the previous arrangement. But I think my DH needs to send a message too.

What a dick.

Has she answered your text?

I have a feeling you’ve lost a good cleaner there thanks to your DH and
ASD or not, he’s behaved appallingly!
If he really doesn’t understand suitable boundaries and behaviours then it should be made clear to him that he has no authority to change what you have in place.
ASD or not - I’d be bloody fuming with him

How dare he, doesn't your opinion matter??

I'd be angry

Make sure he carries on where she left off

No answer to my text yet. I don’t think she will stay. I wouldn’t and she said to my DH in her original text that she now lives two hours away by public transport.

I have pointed out to him how badly he has behaved and how he must have made her feel. I’ll also suggest that he apologises. I can’t make him and if he doesn’t, I will.

He is actually the person who hired her, pays her and communicates as I am at work. So he sees it as me interfering in his management. Ditto the Christmas card. I put money in with the expectation that he would not do it or would be somehow mean about it which is why he was annoyed and took it out.

For those people suggesting we offer her more money to stay - I wouldn’t do that as I think it would be insulting and suggest she is only concerned with the money while actually not being treated with respect and appreciation is the real problem. If she decides to stay My DH WILL be increasing the amount he pays her.

It is paid for by the rent from the lower house but that goes to DH’s account so he probably feels like he it is coming out of his own money

If you're married then it's family money - as in it's YOUR money too and you should have access to all it and the accounts pertaining to it.

Your dh sounds like a selfish dick.

All that and for what, a few pounds and he gets to be the boss.

I would be mightily insulted and wouldn't return either.

The one trait I find utterly unattractive is meanness.

I feel for you OP.

Two hour commute? Did she move in the 3 years? If she has and stayed on anyway because she didn't want to let you down. Then I don't think she'll stay.

" I can’t make him and if he doesn’t, I will. "

Do you mean apologise for him?

If so, why on earth would you do that?

He is actually the person who hired her, pays her and communicates as I am at work.

That actually changes my perspective on the entire thing.

Yes, he may have chased away the cleaner, but if he's the one who does all the arranging, and presumably will continue to do all the arranging, I would leave him to it. Either he'll find someone else to do it the way he wants or he won't, at which point he'll realise his mistake. It may be too late by then, but it's how we learn.

I also agree that if she's commuting 2 hours each way to get to you, she's probably glad of an excuse to stop!

I doubt your cleaner lives two hours away. She is saving face by telling you that. I think she is probably smarting from the insults your H delivered.

I don't think your text addressed the whole problem, which was that she was not given a Christmas bonus - I have no doubt that your H gave her nothing. The other element of the problem was that she was made to do extra work for the same pay when she had finished early.

ASD or no, your H is a prize dick. Prize dicks make terrible managers. He probably thinks he doesn't have to treat a contractor fairly when the contractor is a woman doing cleaning. I would try to address this aspect of it - the disrespect to a woman - in counselling if you have any more sessions.

Is he sabotaging your full time work by getting rid of the cleaner?

I think you should have offered her the Christmas bonus that was stolen from the card you left for her.

I doubt your cleaner lives two hours away. She is saving face by telling you that. I think she is probably smarting from the insults your H delivered.

Of course it's an excuse. She just doesn't want to work there anymore. And I bet she already has some where else to go to, if she's good.

I would be livid st his rudeness!

I'm autistic. It's not a free pass to act like a dick.

I vote ditch the husband and keep the cleaner.

Our lovely cleaner messaged me to say she is happy to stay now as she knows we trust her.

I’ll be at work when she arrives but I’m going to ask my DH to apologise with a bottle of wine and we are increasing her wages.

hmm.....nice side stepping of your real issues there

Not minimising our issues at all. Just updating the thread.

I wish we had a much better relationship. I wish he were different in many ways or I was able to accept the things I don't like. We are both actively working towards being in a better place in our marriage. If we are not successful we will have to separate.

I could give a portrait of the good weeks we have. We have a lot in common, we enjoy spending time together, share the same politics, religious beliefs and sense of humour. We are also both good parents and love our daughter intensely.

From the outside we look like the perfect family. However I am beginning to realise that we have different values in how we treat other people and in how we live our lives.

I'm glad your cleaner is staying on, but I hope you have really given your DH almost a script of things he is to say to her, so he doesn't upset her again!

Good luck with sorting things out with him - I'm not sure he'll be able to change as much as you'd like but maybe enough to live with.

Well done OP