My DH has been a sod to our cleaner

[CircleofWillis]

My DH hates spending money. We have a large house split into two parts. There are studios and rehearsal rooms in the lower part of the house and we live in a flat at the top of the house.

We have a cleaner who cleans the two kitchens, two bathrooms, and a shower room, one cloakroom, two lounges, 3 flights of stairs and the associated hallways in four hours.

She has been with us for nearly three years and has been totally reliable and lovely. I only see her briefly on the day she comes as I have to speed off to work.

My husband sent her a message last night suggesting she come for half an hour less time each week. He made no mention of reducing her jobs but stated that we seem to be keeping the place cleaner in between visits and do not need her as much.

He did not speak to me about this beforehand.

I am the one who prepares for the cleaner, tidying up, washing up and making sure surfaces are clear. All my DH does is top up the cleaning supplies.

We originally got the cleaner as DH was not pulling his weight around the house. Also I went back to work full time. It is paid for by the rent from the lower house but that goes to DH’s account so he probably feels like he it is coming out of his own money.

I left an extra weeks wages for her as an xmas present and he removed it from her card stating he had already tipped her in her wage packet but wouldn’t tell me how much. Last week he asked her to do some extra jobs as she finished early. She was not happy as she had deliberately worked faster so that she could get to her next job in time.

I personally am fine with her doing this but my DH believes it showed she doesn’t need 4 hours hence the text to her last night.

She has written back to say the commute to ours is very long and she will drop our keys round.

I am so annoyed with my DH. There is no difference in how I prepare the house before she comes apart from the fact that he does a bit more tidying in the week so I do a bit less preparation.

She has been on time and reliably for nearly three years and I trust her around my daughter, all the studio equipment and our precious objects.

I have sent her a txt asking if she will stay with the previous arrangement. But I think my DH needs to send a message too.

My goodness what a dick, I agree, I don't think he's tipped her in her wage packet at all. I would ask him to do the cleaning routine she does, to the standard she does, and stand there with your stop watch and time him.

He sounds like a right arse!

Also you sound a but kowtowed to him eg letting him take out the tip money and not finding out how much he had actulaly given her (50p????).

I have told him he needs to do her cleaning until he finds another cleaner I am happy with.

Good.

I didn’t apologise overtly in my text as I feel it is my DH rather than me who owes her the

Yeah but he never was going to apologies was he? He doesn't think he has done anyting wrong.

I'd be very surprised if she came back, his behaviour was disgraceful and he hasn't even apologised
If you get another cleaner I'd advise you forbid him to have any contact with them and certainty he should have nothing to do with their payment.
What an insult to that poor woman.
I don't accept that ASD is an excuse either.

Why did he open her christmas card? Did you replace and give her the money?

Yes, this. How dare he?

I don't think you'll get her back, OP, sad to say. But I think your text to her was good.

Is cleanng really menial and unskilled..?as a previous poster said?? I,m very intelligent in most ways but rubbish at cleaning. I respect people who can work in any area and do a good job.

"his behaviour was disgraceful and he hasn't even apologised"

That's the problem really, isn't it?

If the commute to you is long plus it makes it hard to get to the next job & she's good so would easily replace your hours, why would she come back?

Why are you not sitting down with him and telling him what a major faux-paus this is? And all the different aspects that are wrong?
Why aren't you standing up for yourself?

I would be seriously pissed of at dh. We had a fabulous cleaner who worked quickly and was thorough but she got cancer and had to leave. We had two others after but none were anywhere near as good as 1st one. The last one never got all of the jobs finished and had half an hour extra. When you find a really good cleaner do everything you can to hold on to them as they are like gold dust. I would be making your dh do all the cleaning and if your cleaner does not return to interview new one.

why dont you draft a text for him to send in which he says that he now realises that he owes her an apolgy and that he really would like her to stay on. If he doesnt want to send it he can clean the property and I would bet he takes more than 4 hours.

Probably wont make any difference now but she deserves the apology anyway.

I seriously can't get over this.
FGS sake woman, grow a spine, will you?

Maybe someone here can help you with the Polish for 'he's a knobhead and has been kicked hard in the balls and next time you come I really will give you your Christmas tip'.

Google translate:
on jest pałką i został ciężko kopnięty w kulki, a następnym razem, gdy przyjdziesz, naprawdę dam ci świąteczną wskazówkę

Love these last 2 posts Oblomov and Strange. OP, please do what they say!

I'm sorry you asked her to stay. I hope she says no. Your DH is a dick. You choose to put up with him, she shouldn't have to.

Interesting that he feels people are out to cheat him when his behaviour seems very much about trying to cheat other people.

I would be livid. He clearly has no idea how difficult it is to get a good, reliable cleaner. When DH makes a minor comment about something our new cleaner doesn't do I make it clear how difficult it has been to find someone decent to replace our previous wonderful cleaner.

And I'd ask her how much tip she got. I'm thinking it was something insultingly low.

Why does your DH think he has a right to interfere in your relationship with her? It's unbelievable that he opened the card and removed money.

The problem isn’t just with the cleaner though.
It’s also about the way he is treating the OP. Like someone who can’t be trusted (to evaluate if the cleaner should be given money for Christmas for example or if she working ‘hard enough’).
It’s the fact he thinks he can just take over (See the text with said cleaner) when she had the responsibility for it, she was the one to employ her etc....
And more importantly that HE is RIGHT. Always.

Interesting that he feels people are out to cheat him when his behaviour seems very much about trying to cheat other people

That's an interesting comment, because we do judge others by our own standards. If we behave one way, it's reasonable for us to assume others also behave this way, unless we fully understand our behaviour is wrong.

It might be nice to send her her Christmas tip even if she doesn't come back... If he won't tell you how much it was, then it was offensively low if anything at all.

Was the tip your money, or his?

I’m a cleaner and a bloody good one (yes I’m bragging lol) I’m my experience good cleaners work flipping hard for the money they earn and “we” get looked down on a lot. There is nothing more demoralising than working your arse off and doing your absolute best and someone making you feel under appreciated. Your husband has probably made your cleaner feel like crap while increasing her work load and then reducing her hours and pay. Tbh if he treated me the same I’d be off. If she’s as good as you say she is she will be able to fill the slot in no time but your going to be left trying to find a equally good cleaner which I know is easier said than done.
He does not sound like a very kind man tbh

OP it is striking how quickly you jumped in to defend your DH and find an excuse for his appalling behaviour. Do you find you often have to make excuses for his behaviour, to both yourself and others? I would think that would get quite wearing and make you feel like the only responsible person in the household.

Your DH is an adult, he is not diagnosed with any condition and even if he were, you are not responsible for him in the same way your are for your child. I think you need to stop making excuses for him.

Keep the cleaner, ditch the DH. He sounds awful, micromanaging and undermining you as much as he's micromanaging and undermining the cleaner.

Everyone saying he'll have to do the cleaning in the meantime- he probably won't because he thinks cleaning, and cleaners are beneath him. It smacks of master of the house and it wouldn't sit well with me at all.
That was a lovely text you sent though, OP. I hope you can sort this to suit all parties.

OP I don't know how you can stand being with someone so mean. Quite honestly your cleaner sounds wonderful .

Op your dh is NOT going to do the cleaning. You are going to have to do it.
He looks down on the cleaner because he obviously believes she is beneath him.
I suspect that your dh hasn’t been kind to the cleaner and she’s had enough.
Stop defending him fgs