My DH has been a sod to our cleaner

[CircleofWillis]

My DH hates spending money. We have a large house split into two parts. There are studios and rehearsal rooms in the lower part of the house and we live in a flat at the top of the house.

We have a cleaner who cleans the two kitchens, two bathrooms, and a shower room, one cloakroom, two lounges, 3 flights of stairs and the associated hallways in four hours.

She has been with us for nearly three years and has been totally reliable and lovely. I only see her briefly on the day she comes as I have to speed off to work.

My husband sent her a message last night suggesting she come for half an hour less time each week. He made no mention of reducing her jobs but stated that we seem to be keeping the place cleaner in between visits and do not need her as much.

He did not speak to me about this beforehand.

I am the one who prepares for the cleaner, tidying up, washing up and making sure surfaces are clear. All my DH does is top up the cleaning supplies.

We originally got the cleaner as DH was not pulling his weight around the house. Also I went back to work full time. It is paid for by the rent from the lower house but that goes to DH’s account so he probably feels like he it is coming out of his own money.

I left an extra weeks wages for her as an xmas present and he removed it from her card stating he had already tipped her in her wage packet but wouldn’t tell me how much. Last week he asked her to do some extra jobs as she finished early. She was not happy as she had deliberately worked faster so that she could get to her next job in time.

I personally am fine with her doing this but my DH believes it showed she doesn’t need 4 hours hence the text to her last night.

She has written back to say the commute to ours is very long and she will drop our keys round.

I am so annoyed with my DH. There is no difference in how I prepare the house before she comes apart from the fact that he does a bit more tidying in the week so I do a bit less preparation.

She has been on time and reliably for nearly three years and I trust her around my daughter, all the studio equipment and our precious objects.

I have sent her a txt asking if she will stay with the previous arrangement. But I think my DH needs to send a message too.

All of the above.
Show him this thread op.

In effect he has engineered a situation where the cleaner will leave because he isn’t happy with you using a cleaner.
The fact the issue was coming form HIM not pulling his weight in the first place will have gone over his head.

I have to say, I dint think I would try and ask that cleaner to come back. I would thank her profusely and tell her how much you’ve appreciated what she did.
But then, I would tell DH that, as he wa the one to basically kick the cleaner out, he is now the one in charge of all the work she wa doing.
Don’t do anything more and let him deal with it. He might want to clean (for 4+ hours every week), he might actually decide that it’s too hard work and find (another) cleaner. But I would let him get away with being an arse (to you and to the cleaner) and then rest knowing that you will be the one to pick up the slack anyway.

Dh is a numpty of the highest order.

If the cleaner is doing the studios, she's a business expense anyway for tax purposes.

He thinks people are out to cheat him

Whether that's a trait of your husband's ASD or not, you must see how it would come across to your cleaner.

Any employee would be upset if they were left an abrupt note telling them their hours and pay were being cut without discussion and they were still expected to complete the same work load to the same standard.
There's no choice but to suck that up or leave.

Your dh is implying that the cleaner has lied about how much she can do/ she's being lazy? That's really insulting.
I really don't blame her for leaving. The working relationship has been fucked now.

She might come back if you offer her a substantial payrise and a promise that your husband is out of the house when she is there.

I don't see any mention of an apology to the cleaner at all. Your DH has behaved disgracefully and you are failing to address this.

I would not want to work for either of you.

My daughter has ASD and we both believe that my husband has strong ASD traits so LTB is not so appropriate.

Sorry but having ASD doesn’t mean that you can’t be a twat of the first order too, nor does it mean you can’t LTB.
It doesn’t also mean he gets to treat people appallingly wo facing the consequences.
ASD for example doesn’t mean that it’s ok for him to think everyone is out there to trick him.
Nor does it mean he can override you the way he is (taking the Christmas money out of the card, contacting her whe he normally has nothing to do with her etc...).

You need to sort this out with your DH.

I have a friend who is a bit like your DH. They have a 4 storey, 4 bedroom house in London and they are messy as hell. They think it's humanly possible to clean all that space in 4 hours a week and they moan constantly that the cleaner doesn't do a good job. I couldn't clean their kitchen from its current state to a decent condition in 4 hours, let alone the rest of the house. The areas you are talking about would take at least 4 hours to clean well.

You didn’t apologise in your text, not that you should but seeing as your husband won’t - it’s a text that makes it sound like it was all a bit of a misunderstanding, which it wasn’t -it was your husband being wrong and taking it out on someone who has done a good job, who you trust enough to have keys to your house after he’s already screwed her over at Christmas. I’ve left cleaning jobs after a similar sort of thing, it’s not an easy job to come back to after you realise that the people you work for think so little of you.

I’ve always thought that extreme tightwas-ness was like a mental illness. However, I don’t think you can blame ASD for this one.

Op I don't think your text grovelled enough, though your intention was right. It sounds like a signing off.

I know ASD doesn’t mean he can treat people appallingly. I mentioned it in this thread as I felt I was not being fair to him by not giving this context.

I have told him he needs to do her cleaning until he finds another cleaner I am happy with.

I didn’t apologise overtly in my text as I feel it is my DH rather than me who owes her the apology.

I have said to him in our counselling sessions that he is not a very kind man. By that I mean he does things for people but does not generally go out of his way to do things for people. E.g. he offered a lift to a friend to a party but suggested she travel 30 minutes to ours rather than us going 10 minutes out of our way to collect her.

Also agree LTB is OTT.

Why did he open her christmas card? Did you replace and give her the money?

You're making excuses for him.

I think he thinks that most people are out to cheat him or take advantage of him which is why he gets into this kind of situation every now and then.

My ex H is like this, he too has a spectrum condition. It's exhausting and distressing to deal with. I feel for you.

That said he's treated her abominably and I wouldn't come back if was her. I'm not sure your letter went far enough in apologising either, I know you want to be loyal to your husband but I would have told her I had read him the riot act and was embarrassed by his behaviour.

I don't even know what to say. I'd be very disappointed to discover that my husband could do something so mean, interfering, petty and short-sighted.

I suppose if you're in counselling and you suspect he has ASD then you need to weigh things up differently than I would. Personally, I'd be inclined to show him the door.

Maybe someone here can help you with the Polish for 'he's a knobhead and has been kicked hard in the balls and next time you come I really will give you your Christmas tip'. Or similar.

But this behaviour around the cleaner is just the tip of the iceberg isn't it OP. You allude to this when you talk about the money from the rent going into his account so he thinks it's his. And the fact he doesn't pull his weight around the house but resents having to pay for a cleaner - implying he expects you to do it all.

None of this behaviour has anything to do with ASD. It is to do with his sense of entitlement that the money coming into the household is his to spend as he wishes and domestic chores are your responsibility.

I think if you know he is like this, why let him deal with her? Or have him discuss agreements in advance and make joint decisions when it impacts both of you? Why let him away with the Xmas thing? Traits of asd is not as far as I know lying to ones spouse.

As said though, I suspect she was just looking for an excuse to quit and he handed it to her.

That sounds a good amount of cleaning to get done in four hours.

Sounds like your DH needs to learn to ask questions rather than make assumptions e.g. about whether she can and would always clean faster.

Penny wise, pound foolish seems a relevant phrase. I bet the change of cleaner costs him! Finding a new one is definitely his responsibility.

He can have asd without being controlling and rude.

and of course his four hours of cleaning wouldn't be as good, it would take him 6 or 7 probably. Not that he's going to do it, is he!