The Hoarders Anonymous Thread Part Two...Still Sorting It Out ~ Together!

[Solo]

Sorting out the home when you're a hoarder (big or small) is never going to be easy and we should know! but having someone else to support you, talk about it with you and make you feel much less of a freak of mother nature makes a huge difference!

If you are any of the following:
A hoarder. In a mess. Untidy. Disorganised. Lazy with housework that has lead to something that you now feel unable to deal with. If you are ill and not coping with the housework. If you are emotionally attached to items for whatever reason. If you have a combination of any or all of these things or something completely different, please join us. No one here will judge you. We have something in common and we have a common goal. We share our ideas and we share our disappointments no matter how big and our celebrations no matter how small.

Welcome to thread number 2! :)

Having worked myself to an inwardly seething and trapped state by DH/DS/PIL (they keep passing 'treasures' on) clutter...I realised that I still have a lot of my own stuff to do....did some yesterday evening and now going back in!

Hoping it will give me some mental clarity because I'm pretty sure it's not normal to have such an adverse reaction to 'stuff' //.

Going to fill and bin back now and load the car up for a charity shop and tip run before I do anything else!

You are all sounding good!

Just back from the charity shop & tip - managed to fill the boot of the estate so not too shabby!

Managed to convince DH to finally part with the 80's/90's pine framed picture that has been in the back of our wardrobe since I moved in...thirteen years ago. The rest was approximately a 50:50 mix of mine and DS's things.

Loads more to do but think I have hit the brick wall now and really should do some work...

Sung that's a bit how I feel when people innocently give me presents; I want to wail, but I've just got rid of my favourite mugs and now you are giving me more cr**p. The thing is, it is not their fault, it is genuinely a present, sometimes I think the point of throwing stuff away is to be able to genuinely appreciate it when people give you something they have chosen and want to treat you with.

However, family members passing on "treasures" is not actually a gift at all. They are just avoiding dealing with the decluttering themselves by forcing you to make the decision. So unfair. If they really believe the object is of great value, they should either keep themselves, sell it, dispose of it, or ask you whether you actually want it. However, this is something that might have to be tackled slowly and gently rather than reacting to objects as they come in. Maybe just say in advance, what a kind thought, unfortunately we don't have room for that/we are making our own memories etc.

When someone gives you a present/treasure you don't want, I think there is a limit to how much time you need to live with that "present". make it clear that a treasure might be sold in the next year or given away, in which case do they still want you to have it? Imagine if someone gave you a box of soap you were allergic to and forced you to use it, no you'd would probably think you were justified in giving it away to someone else.

On the other hand I do have a friend who is obsessed by removing clutter to the extent it is controlling, and who actually will not accept gifts of food or drink because there is no "room" in her fridge cupboard for them. And this stems from her own bad experiences with a mother who was incredibly cluttered and her desire to remove herself from this past life - I think you have to really work through issues to see things clearly and distinguish very violent reactions to "stuff" (other people's stuff which you cannot control) from normal sensible reactions to having enough and no more. Same friend is strangely keen on giving other people presents too, it is as if the patterns than affect her own household management do not stop her wanting to buy stuff like her mum did, only she then gives it to other people.

Today I am working through the kids school books, finding lots of lovely things to keep, but throwing a mass of non important "paper" bits of exercise books that weren't used, maths books, boring bits of science books. It is such a wonderful capsule of memories to read their school books from ten years ago, I will definitely keep a pared down version - I think it is for THEM, not just me.

husband found a poster at back of loft (now that I've cleared it) and put it up on the bedroom wall, it looks a amazing, An Enormous Black Cat in sort of Toulouse Lautrec style. I like the way we are finding things which were previously lost in sea of mess. I found some sheepskin aviator boots yesterday at the back of a cupboard when I cleared it out properly, have been wearing them ever since, so comfy - and I thought they were lost forever in some hellish bin liner of winter clothes, the kind I am perpetually stocking up and losing at the back of loft, as there are now far too many of these bridging bags.

As I chucked things in tip this morning I was still wondering whether to really chuck them..things are that bad...it takes a monumental effort to dispose of useful things.

I left two puzzles, still shrinkwrapped, outside my house this morning, and they were taken away by a delighted lady, who kept asking me, did I really mind? It is so easy to give happiness to others when you leave stuff outside your house for passers by to take!!!!

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying knittingwithnettles.

I have refused treasures in the past but PIL now just give them straight to DH/DS to avoid the chance of that happening. I see some of them as passive aggressive or at least thoughtless (passing on old filthy things for DS from when DH was a kid and not even bothering to clean them/check they aren't broken grates a little when they are young retired with plenty of time (and MIL hasn't worked since before she had kids) and we...aren't!). It would be ok if DH/DS were good at getting rid of things but they are not that way inclined.

We have converted our loft and our garage so there is little scope in our house for simply boxing it up and forgetting about it. We do have a small store room in the loft conversion and room in the eaves for seasonal/occasional items though. I've been at the sorting, decluttering and organising for years now and it is pretty organised.

Mercifully DH has his own office/man cave at home (loft conversion) so I can pretty much shut the door and forget about that - his problem (which he doesn't think he has...and maybe he doesn't...).

I wonder whether my anxiety over having everything perfectly decluttered and organised (but never quite getting there) stems from growing up in a messy and at times dirty house too.

That's great that you found some real treasures and are now enjoying them again...and found the strength to part with some things are still technically useful. I had a wobble over a bin bag of DS's stuff and nearly hid it in the wardrobe instead...just in case.

Anyway, I'll just keep chipping away at it and try to enjoy it rather than getting all...furious at it! I'll try! Planning an evening of alternating work (marking - teacher) with some scanning and shredding although tempting to just open a bottle wine and forget about it! No-brainer as to which will bring happiness longer term though.

Solo! You are NOT a failure. You are trying, it takes a long time to get over years of hoarding! Please don't beat yourself up over lack of progress xx

I haven't done anything today BTW, hope to get back to it tomorrow

I've managed to sort out all the school memorabilia and chuck at least half of it, put it in a box, and it will go in newly decluttered loft (where there is now room)

We've decorated Christmas tree, which means another lot of clutter has gone from under the bed, so I might tackle further investigations there. I think there is a secret stash of train track I need to assess

Then to my shame I found a whole lot of brand new Christmas cards I bought 2 months ago, which had already been absorbed into clutter heaven (a decorated box which I had forgotten had anything in it) I really struggle to remember where I stash things, it is like being a demented squirrel, kept thinking oh this might be useful and then digging a little hole for it Really need to WRITE THE XMAS CARDS NOW as I have so many packets, newly discovered from one place or another.

A bag of clothes, books to charity shop now in the car, and another big bag of paper to recycle at the tip (the school stuff)

Also dd decluttered two pairs of trainers in order to have a new pair which were the next size up.

tomorrow I have to face a whole lot of sentimental treasures, a waistcoat from First Communion of ds2, a dress I made for Wbookday for dd Lucy from Narnia, and some baby blankets a friend knitted for me. Surely I can keep them all? Please tell me I can...sigh.

Well currently have a skip, flooring to go as futility room needs redoing. I finally got through to DH that the old plastic bin from previous owners is rubbish, and it's now in said skip. He struggles because his parents are hoarders. He hates clutter but also resists getting rid. His stress when ILs visit causes me to shove things in random cupboards, it's that or leave when he's on one, so I now have loads of things to go through I'm going to do it while he is away this week.

We got rid of 3 huge bags of clothes from DDs rooms recently.

knitting I would keep the first communion thing and 1 of the baby blankets.

Sung my PIL are similar. We lived abroad and had an "episode" where stepson helpfully took ornaments from the lounge, black bagged and actually binned them. I can honestly tell ILs I don't know where they are when get around to quizzing us, because I have no clue where the landfill site is and DH has told them not to buy or give us anymore. I'm waiting to see what happens at Christmas.

Definitely not a failure Solo. Have a and get back to it when you feel ready.

I'm trying to escape! Looking for a cheap accommodation for me and Dd for 3 nights over Christmas! I can't get started with this crap at home!

Sounds like a plan Solo

We've had a busy decluttering day here.

where did you decide to go Solo? sounds like an excelletn idea to escape the clutter...and have a renewed purpose when you return.

I've talked to a friend and decided to throw away the Lucy from Narnia outfit I made dd in Year 4 (it was really was decidedly manky) Happy memories, but it is laid to rest. I've put another bit of clutter, an embroidered baby blanket on the back of a sofa as an anticimaccasar, and if it isn't enjoyed over next year, well that needs to go too [firm with myself]

Otherwise I managed to give the same friend an entire set of carpentry tools and some chisels which I had never used. The workbench had sadly rotted in the shed, so that is being binned.

But now we are hoarding logs, as tree man has cut down tree in garden and kindly left us some bits - I couldn't resist reusing it somehow in fireplace...[haven't lit fire for two years - we have central heating and it is not a woodburner, just a vict fireplace) sigh. More hoarding tendencies.

Now I am going to throw away 4 packets of old Quinoa that I bought and have never used, and never will.

Wrote lots of christmas cards so that is good, to deliver locally.

And I've thrown away a very old horrid candle that ds decorated 2 years ago, and churns out black smoke when you light it. I put it out, and just thought, I must let it go, it was fun decorating it, but now it is Christmas Past.

I also put an old lawnmower which had rusted in the car to take the tip, and an old rattan chest of drawers which was missing some drawers, but I could have reused and kept the rattan drawers as planters just in case I needed them, but I haven't this time. phew

And in course of decluttering I found 4 very useful things.

A retractable kitchen drainer thing for plug hole which had been long lost in the garden
A basin plug in rattan drawer, also long lost and missed
Two electric toothbrushes, also mislaid
and a roasting tin under a lot of junk in the garden, a very good one, which will be useful at Christmas

Ladies I just want to say well done to you all. I wish my MIL felt similarly to you all and would admit her problem and access all the support she has been offered to address it. She has two entire houses full and the way that she lives is dangerous and tragic. But DH and I have given up now as we already cleaned out all of the downstairs of the house she lives in about two years ago for which she never said thanks once and made it as difficult as possible, didn't help with any of the cleaning or sorting even things she could legitimately do (she is disabled but I'm not sorry to say not nearly as much as she claims) and then proceeded to let it all go back to how it was, it was soul destroying all the time and effort we put into it and now it's even worse than before . Then we cleaned out most of the downstairs of her other house as she said she wanted to move in there and then that eventually ended in a huge fight between her and DH because she wouldn't let him take a school report with him when he had already conceded every single other piece of his childhood to her. And because of her lack of compromise he flipped and instead took a massive sackfull of stuff. Thing is when she grabbed the school report out of his hand she then scrunched it up...so surely she can't have been that bothered about it?? I know hoarding disorder is a legitimate thing and we have always tried to be patient, we've spent hours and hours of our life trying to get her to access specialist services that she's been offered, cleaning and decluttering her houses for her, and always for no thanks just a load of abuse back and then she turns it back to how it was and refuses to throw anything out and gets really aggressive.

DH now has had no contact with her since the above incident which was in August. He has tried to call her loads of times but she won't answer and won't contact us. And he only does that out of kindness, it is her who gets things out of a relationship with us, we only get stress, anxiety and work out a relationship with her (she is often extremely nasty and emotionally abusive). But we tried to help and now there's not really anything else we can do.

Oh Meadow I am sorry :( that sounds horrendous, and at the same time scarily common for families with severe hoarders :( it's a frustrating fact that there is just no changing a hoarder unless they choose to do it themselves. You have been a wonderful DIL to do all that, and I don't blame you at all for stepping back now. It's devastating.

I fear it happening with my dad, I think he is just about escaping it for the moment but I am worried about when he becomes elderly. Especially with food, I grew up with mouldy food, expired packets of stuff older than me etc - I now have issues with food because of it and while they still lived in my childhood home I would avoid eating there. Even now mum lives in a nice flat alone (long story) I usually sneak into the kitchen to check the dates of things she has used in the meal, I can't help it :( if I can't check then I don't eat it.

Well done knitting you are making awesome progress! I really found the Marie Kondo thing helpful when it comes to emotional stuff like the Lucy dress. We don't need the actual item to keep the good memories. The memories are enough. I have been discovering all sorts of sentimental things in the last couple of days, like tickets and cards and stuff, but they are just stuff, and saying goodbye to them doesn't mean I'm saying goodbye to the memories of the play we saw, or the knowledge that DH feels what he wrote in the cards etc. :)

Yes Caglio but it is always hard as well to know when mental illness stops and personality begins. She easily fits the criteria for BPD and may even have a diagnosis of it, I don't think she would tell us if she did as she is super adamant that she "only" has depression and anxiety and nothing else because she is "not mad" and the inference is that any other mental illness = crazy so she definitely doesn't have it. Despite the fact that she's been on antipsychotics for years and years now...and is clearly delusional and paranoid much of the time.

Sorry I don't want to derail the thread, honestly you are all doing such a great job, it is so heartening to see and I do get that for people like who don't understand we can't understand the emotional attachment people with hoarding disorder or hoarding tendancies have to things so I do get that it must be super difficult. But it is so lovely to see people on track and helping themselves and things.

Hoarding seems to run in DH's family to be honest, his mum has hoarding disorder and as I say lives in very unsafe and dirty conditions, but then her brother and sister also have quite cluttered houses, especially her sister who last time we went to her house parts of her house were inaccessible due to the clutter, which is I think where it starts to get worrying. But still you can't compare her to DH's mum who only has a small path through her house to walk through etc.

Also I know what you mean about the food issue a little as DH has a similar problem with his auntie who frequently used to give him very out of date food when he was little and now he has to check the dates on food she gives him too. It is sad too that people don't seem to acknowledge the effects their behaviour has on people around them. MIL used to always get really angry that we stay with my parents rather than with her when we're visiting the city for long periods of time. I said I would stay a night or two there to be kind and I don't mind going in the day but how can she not understand that we really don't want to spend extended periods of time in a house where the toilet hasn't been cleaned in 4 months since we last did it, where there is no clean cutlery, where the sofa cover smells of dog urine etc.

oh dear, it is so easy isn't? My mum used to be brilliant at decluttering and still is quite good at sentimental things and even books, but she now hoards "useful" things and out of date food, whilst refusing to stockpile anything that is actually useful like washing powder or loo rolls because she thinks they get wasted I've also noticed a tendency in her to stockpile invites and cards from her friends, they are all on the mantlepiece, getting increasingly chaotic even from years back.

The worst thing she does is hoard things like tights and old clothes she has grown out of; it is physically painful to her to think she is no longer young and those clothes represent her youth and joie de vivre. She has had some clothes much longer than I have ever had my favourite clothes, I think because she really hasn't accepted loss of beauty and athleticism aged 75 (it went when she was about 50 and she had a leg injury/serious depression) She accepts help though, in some ways because she likes things to look tidy. It is just behind doors though, the hoarding.

meadow it is very good reminder that we owe it to our children not to hoard, far from giving them lovely memories it gives them so much to deal with and sort out and creates an enormous barrier in communication. I suppose all anxiety will go on expressing itself in very negative forms unless it is healed/acknowledged by individual who is anxious - in my mum's case she is anxious about being a "good manager" and spending too much money on new stuff unless it is for others (hence food stockpiling) and not allowing herself any but the cheapest nastiest new clothes (which she buys lots of, whilst retaining old expensive clothes which don't fit her )

Basically in my mum's case she hoards because she doesn't think she is "worth it" (in words of L'Oreal) not worth New Stuff, so old stuff has to be used over and over or rot in the basement in case it is needed. My sister found 27 pairs of scissors because my mum keeps buying replacement scissors because she literally can never find scissors and panics and buys new ones but doesn't dare throw away old ones when she does find them, because that would be cheating to actually waste money on new ones. Whereas 27 pairs of scissors is not cheating, it is just useful.

And because my mum hoards useful or might come in useful things so her drawers are bursting, she can never find anything she actually needs! Like a clean shirt or a pair of scissors and ends up buying another...

I haven't actually got rid of anything today, but I did go through my wardrobe and identified a few things I no longer use. 1 item will never go, a fuchia and black blazer from the 80's. I will probably never wear it again but it is a thing of beauty so I'm keeping it 😁 Located a new hand bag that got shoved in there instead of showing it off to DH because his parents were due to arrive the next day.

Meadow that sounds so sad, but if she doesn't or won't see that she has a problem you can't help her.