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can you honestly expect yr dh to do fair share around the house or have you given up?

80 replies

RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 11:18

bickering with dh loads over this. Don't know what to do - feel that i've got 3 choices:

  1. do what needs to be done myself for a quiet life as he seems not to notice
  2. tell him to do it and get told I'm nagging him
    3)let house descend further into chaos and hope that he'll notice at some point and help out more.

    Age old problem, I know. But how do you cope with it? so many women are know (honestly) either accept that their dh will not do his bit and just accept it. I'm fighting against this as I've got a very demanding (albeit p/t) job and I don't want to feel like a drudge! Any tips?
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CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 23/10/2006 11:21

I believe that the only fair solution to this problem is to get a cleaner.
Some women don't mind cleaning, I do and I resent being the only one who 'sees' dirt. For the moment we cant afford a cleaner so I do do it but I have resolved that as soon as we can afford one we will get one to do dp's share of the cleaning.

madmarchscare · 23/10/2006 11:25

Let it descend into a flea ridden pit, well not quite, but stop doing all those little things for him. No clean shirt, no clothes picked up off the floor, none of his favourite things to nibble on etc..

RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 11:26

so has that worked for you, madmarch?
I hoesntly don't think he'd notice however bad it got (and it's not exactly pristine to start with!)

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SherlockLGJ · 23/10/2006 11:26

DH is 50/50 sometimes he is so spot on, he makes me feel lazy. Other times jobs that need doing become invisible.

He does in his defence, do all the cooking.

Ellieorange · 23/10/2006 11:28

My dh is cleaner/ tidier than me, and often says i don't keep the house clean and tidy enough (to his standards). i resent that, but at same time feel a bit guilty that he works and i am home all day. in the end came up with an 'all housework' plan for the week where put everything on it, big and small and divided into days of the week. Then discussed things for him to do and me to do. think it helped him see just how much there is and how much i already am doing - even if not keeping on top of dusting - the washing and cooking are always done which is pretty mammoth. i got him to iron own shirts, make own sarnies! and cook once a week. he washes up every day if i cook and i wash up if he cooks. we put our own clothes away and jointly do all the post, bills etc. also, try leaving him with kids and a house job and see how much of it he gets done! sometimes hard to realise how difficult it is to do stuff in between feeding, washing, cooking for them, taking them out, playing with them etc. Helped us, though housework is still a source of argument at times!

expatinscotland · 23/10/2006 11:28

Men don't see dirt the way women do.

They truly don't.

Tutter · 23/10/2006 11:29

tricky one as each family is different

but here, dh works long hours, very hard and earns enough money for me to be a sahm and for us to have a cleaner

i am also lucky to have a dh that recognises childcare as a full time job, so doesn't expect me to do anything else

but as i'm home and get down time when ds naps or watches cbeebies, i do all the washing, cooking and shopping

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 23/10/2006 11:30

You see the male contingent in my house truely wouldn't notice or care if the place reduced to Kim and Aggie standards So that tactic wouldn't work here. And I would just die of embarrassment if anyone called in. So I have to do it just for my own sense of pride.OOOh it makes me so

jessicaandrebeccasmummy · 23/10/2006 11:30

My DH probabyl does more than I do... depending how im feeling (depression)

Some days I can fly round the house cleaning every little nook and cranny, the next do absolutely nothing.

DH always without fail does.... the bins, the kitchen floor, washing and drying and the ironing. He also cooks 98% of the time.

Its more things like hoovering, dishwasher, tidying, paperwork etc that i tend to do.

madmarchscare · 23/10/2006 11:35

Rantothehills, DH really does try to be 50/50 (when he is not at work), but I do agree that sometimes they just dont see it.

Tbh, its not something that has ever been a big issue, but occasionallY to remind him how much I do (am SAHM) I will purposefully not do something.

I will be going back to work soon and because he knows that I will just leave things he will step up the attempt to be 50/50.

Cappuccino · 23/10/2006 11:37

we have come to a great solution about this

I started doing flylady which breaks things up into little tasks, and I just tell him which ones he is doing

dh is one of my freelance clients so he is kind of my boss at work; at home we do it the other way round. He has specifically asked to be treated as 'low-level staff' and not be asked to have any supervisory role. Previously I would run past him going 'there's this and this and this and this and this' but wouldn't have any priority or plan, so he didn't really have a clue what was going on or how to decide what to do first

now I say 'you're doing this - it should take you this long'. If it's complicated or I'm going out I write a note

it's working for us

RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 11:38

but doesno't it make you fume? I get so sometimes, it makes me feel such a drudge to always be the one on sick-mopping/cat litter/dirty nappy duty plus general clearing up/mopping/tidying/washing/drying (leave alone the bigger jobs)- dh refuses to do any of this or says he'll do it later.
I'm wondeirng about giving up work but fear that this wd only worsen the problem (tho give me a bit more time at least to get the house clean)

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RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 11:39

cappucino, interesting! I wonder if that business approach wd work with my dh, though he might laugh it off.

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SherlockLGJ · 23/10/2006 11:40

DH was great at the W/E, but this morning we both came downstairs together, only difference being I was the one carrying the dirty laundry.

I am not working today, and so he had a shave, put out the recycling and went off and left me to sort the laundry, unload the washing machine, unload the dishwasher, re load both, wipe down the work surfaces and clean the hob.

Hardly seems equitable does it ??

RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 11:42

no, not equitable at all. So how does that make you feel? Do you gloss over it? Store it up for a future argument, silently fume?

Am I being petty/unrealistic?

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CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 23/10/2006 11:43

It's not Sherlock, which is why you should spend the day mumsnetting and do everything halfheartedly in the hour before he comes home

Glassofslime · 23/10/2006 11:44

DH does loads and is also very thoughtfull about it. For example a very good friend and her family came for the day at the weekend. DH did all the cooking, making drinks tidying away, so that friend and I could catch up. I think he's far nicer than me and I really don't deserve him.

RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 11:45

can you clone him for us, glass?

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SherlockLGJ · 23/10/2006 11:45

OTOH Carmemere, he is baby sitting whilst you and I go out on the 11th.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 23/10/2006 11:47

Well that is true, he is a lovely chap who deserves to have his laundry done

JackieNoHeadJustABloodyStump · 23/10/2006 11:50

It's a real dilemma for me too - I like the place to be tidy (not that it is, but that's the way I'd like it to be), and he generally doesn't see what needs doing, or will put it off indefinitely. Part of me things 'Well I'm the one who likes it tidy, so I should get it the way I like it' and the rest of me thinks 'Well actually I am pretty tidy, and everyone else makes at least their fair share of the mess, so why should I tidy it up?'. Haven't resolved it yet. Both DH and I work, though I'm part time, but a lot of the time I'm not at work is spent taking DD to her various activities.

RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 11:55

so how do you resolve this day-to-day? do you fall out over it or think it's too petty to argueover?

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JackieNoHeadJustABloodyStump · 23/10/2006 11:58

I store up resentment and it all explodes in a huge 'this place is a complete tip everyone must tidy it up NOW' sort of way. So don't really deal with it very well. Part of me would like to do the whole FLylady thing, and hope it would inspire him, and I also need to get the DCs to help out more, and do their share of tidying up. They do some, but it always takes loads of nagging.

ludaloo · 23/10/2006 12:20

Do you know, I used to get really stressed over dh doing NOTHING...when I say nothing he does naff all!!! (he doesn't even pick up after himself)
But, now I have thankfully got on top of the house, I have a good routine now and I manage to keep on top (just about!)
I have started to find that when he does attempt to do anything it irritates me, as he doesn't do it right!!!!! He doesn't put things where they should go etc etc so it is easier for me just to do it!
(he recently scratched the non stick off my very expensive frying pan, cutting the sausages up in it!!!) I was more mad he did that, than if he'd of just asked me to do it!!!!
Very strange turn of events I know!!!!

RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:22

so you're less stressed now? you're seriously happier doing everything?
what happened to equality or am i just being naive?

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