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Housekeeping

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Original poster

can you honestly expect yr dh to do fair share around the house or have you given up?

80 replies

RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 11:18

bickering with dh loads over this. Don't know what to do - feel that i've got 3 choices:

  1. do what needs to be done myself for a quiet life as he seems not to notice
  2. tell him to do it and get told I'm nagging him 3)let house descend further into chaos and hope that he'll notice at some point and help out more.

Age old problem, I know. But how do you cope with it? so many women are know (honestly) either accept that their dh will not do his bit and just accept it. I'm fighting against this as I've got a very demanding (albeit p/t) job and I don't want to feel like a drudge! Any tips?

OP posts:
foulmoonfiend · 23/10/2006 12:24

Rantothehills - I shall be watching this thread with interest as I could have written your OP myself...

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:27

FMF- I know, I thought our generation was meant to be different! My MIL always and pointedly goes on about how much better men are nowadays, how much they help aorund the house (when mother's around anyway). She fails to appreciate that I/SIL also work and that therefore housework/childcare must be shared. dh seems to have been brought up far more traditionally (that's to be nice about it) than I'd ideally wish!

OP posts:
Original poster
RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:29

does anyone else, stupidly and irrationally think "why the hell did I bother going to university?" at particularly hellish domestic moments?

OP posts:
JackieNoHeadJustABloodyStump · 23/10/2006 12:29

All the time, rantothe hills.

foulmoonfiend · 23/10/2006 12:32

I now work 5 days a week (although technically p/t, I only finish work just before I have to pick up boys from school, so I am constantly struggling to find time to get everything done.)
Dh sounds like yours in that, he doesn't expect me to do it all, but really doesn't seem to notice or care how gross the house gets...one ds will always offer to help, but the older one doesn't care either
And if we are away at the weekend, the mess and chaos carries over into the next week, and my life gets harder and harder!
Can't help feeling we should just rename the house The Pigsty

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:32

so have we all been "miseducated" then? To quote a particularly objectionable academic a couple of yrs ago who claimed that women's education didn't prepare them for their lot in life (ie that of being mother/housewife). Hell, was he right?!
can't remember exact name of the book, sth like "The Miseducation of Women"

OP posts:
foulmoonfiend · 23/10/2006 12:33

oh, and we can't afford a cleaner, and if wecould, I would have to spend a month sorting and tidying before I would dare let one see my house

foulmoonfiend · 23/10/2006 12:35

But why should it be our lot in life? Do we blame the parents of our partners? Will our sons' future partners be blaming us for not educating our sons better?
For what it's worth, my elder ds (almost 9), genuinely doesn't expect me (ie the female) to do it all, he just expects anybody else to do it. Without becoming a droning nag to both he and my dh, how do we turn things around?

smoggie · 23/10/2006 12:36

I'm pretty much int he same situation as tutter. dh works long hours in a well paid job which has meant I can be a sahm. We have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight to really blitz, then I kepe on top of it the rest of the time. He agrees that my time is best spent looking after the children than cleaning
HOWEVER - in reality I still clean up/clean/wash/iron/cook/do basic home DIY/house maintenance etc.
It does annoy the life out of me that on a w/e I'm still the one picking stuff up, putting washing on, cooking, etc ad infinitum. He just doesn't see any of it - because it doesn't enter his weekday consciousness I can kind of see why it wouldn't occur to him on a w/e that this stuff needs doing, but I just wish once he would take the initiative and do something spontaneously. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING that he does on a weekend has to be something I've asked him /nagged him to do.
He leaves his clothes on the spare bed - the washing basket is next to it, but they never migrate there, so I've decided this week,I'm not moving them they can pile up until he can't see the bloody bed.
He opens post in the lounge, carries the envelope to the kitchen table and leaves the contents on the hall table- sounding familiar anyone?
I'm afraid I don't have much advice as I know it would be impossible for dh to do more during the week, so I just get on with it and it seems easier to just get on with it on a weekend.

ludaloo · 23/10/2006 12:37

rantothehills......I really am less stressed this way! I have the kids in a great routine, I have my kitchen just as I like it, I have the rest of the house just about respectable, and I have a rota of jobs that I stick to.....I have my kids trained to tidy their rooms each evening (a bit of forplanning with easy toyboxes which pull out from under the beds...toys get chucked in and away...nice and tidy!)I don't find it too difficult to keep up on my own.
As for equality....I have come to terms that this is effectively my job...as a SAHM this is my daily job! He does his fair share of work, earning money...he has set up and is running his own business, works long hours and gets very stressed.
As I say... it used to bother me a great deal that I did everything, but all the stress and arguements were tearing us apart.
I just tried looking at things in a different way...as a SAHM of three under fives, with a busy and stressed dh...why shouldn't I get stuck in and make this my current proffession??? I try to be good at it, as I would try and be good at any other job.....
It works now.....for me...I'm not saying it would work for everyone but it helps me cope!!!!

sandyballs · 23/10/2006 12:37

This used to really pee me off but not anymore. DH works five days a week at least, sometimes 6, to enable me to work only 3, so I do see it as my "job" to do the bulk of the housework, paperwork etc.

Whoowhoobewhooooooh · 23/10/2006 12:39

RanToTheHills: you have my sympathy. If you don't mind my asking, how old were you when you got together?

I lived with a boyfriend I met at 19, and just ended up doing everything, because he didn't care.

Although I didn't live with subsequent boyfriends, I still cleaned, because I was sleeping in their bed and using their bathroom, and couldn't stand the squalour.

However, by the time I met DH I'd learned my lesson. I NEVER cleaned his flat (and as you can imagine he never offered to clean mine), and when we moved in together, we sat and divided everything up in a way we considered fair. It doesn't always work, but if one of us is p*ssed off we manage to sort it out (sometimes with a row).

If he's using the old 'nagging' defence (which makes me fume), why not sit and write him a letter, explaining that this issue is making you feel undervalued, angry and upset, and that he needs to take you seriously. Maybe suggest some kind of rota, and a rough timetable (so he can't promise to do things and then put them off indefinitely).

I truly believe that in relationships it's the little things that matter, and if this is making you seethe, then it's not good for either of you.

HTH - feel free to ignore

ludaloo · 23/10/2006 12:42

p.s can I just add, it was totally my choice to have kids and be a SAHM, I could of gone back to work, but I chose not to.... my dh just could not cope being a SAHD, and I wouldn't want that anyway....I want to do it!!!!!! so that is another reason behind my change of attitude

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:42

thx, might try the letter idea. As to age, no I'm an oldlady of 30-something, been round the block with a few exes, a few of whom I lived with. Dh and I have been together a few yrs - for us it was the advent of having kids that shifted the balance, before that, no real problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:44

gosh, what do i sound like? I haven't really lived with a "few" men, more like a couple

OP posts:
MadamePlatypus · 23/10/2006 12:44

I know what you mean ludaloo. I think its a bit of a dilemma. On the one hand alot of domestic work is boring, but given that there is often no choice about whether to do it or not, you might as well do it as efficiently and as well as possible.

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:45

for me it's complicated because we both have demanding jobs, it's just htat mine is p/t. I think it wd be easier to accept if i were a f/t sahm.

OP posts:
Whoowhoobewhooooooh · 23/10/2006 12:46

See, I don't have kids yet. First one due in March.

Shall we all wait and see what tune I'm whistling then?

ludaloo · 23/10/2006 12:54

Madameplatypus...... Thats pretty much it.... just get on with it and do the best you can. I really am a lot happier now.

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:55

oh you might be fine.Kids expose cracks but they need to have been there already .

OP posts:
Original poster
RanToTheHills · 23/10/2006 12:56

ludaloo & madamep - do you reckon life's better that way then? just get on with it w/o complaint?

OP posts:
ludaloo · 23/10/2006 12:58

rantothehills it would be a different matter if we didn't have kids, and we both worked, I'd be mightily peed if I had to do it all....unless I gave up work especially to run the house, then I couldn't very well grumble....which is why I just get on with it now.

Whoowhoobewhooooooh · 23/10/2006 12:58

Surely it depends on your personality-type, doesn't it? I used to get really angry with my Dad for not helping my Mum enough, and have carried that into adulthood.

I suppose it depends how much of an issue it is to you personally.

ludaloo · 23/10/2006 13:05

sorry rantothehills I could'nt find if you had kids or not. I could't tell you to give up work to be a sahm as only you can decide if that is what would be best for you, but it has made me cope better thinking that it is my job to be a sahm. I do things my way which is easier to just get on and do it.
Other than that...if you can't afford to give up work (we can't afford it either but hey ho!) can you not get a cleaner?

ludaloo · 23/10/2006 13:09

woobywoo... are you intending to be a sahm?

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