can you honestly expect yr dh to do fair share around the house or have you given up?

[RanToTheHills]

bickering with dh loads over this. Don't know what to do - feel that i've got 3 choices:

1. do what needs to be done myself for a quiet life as he seems not to notice
2. tell him to do it and get told I'm nagging him 3)let house descend further into chaos and hope that he'll notice at some point and help out more.

Age old problem, I know. But how do you cope with it? so many women are know (honestly) either accept that their dh will not do his bit and just accept it. I'm fighting against this as I've got a very demanding (albeit p/t) job and I don't want to feel like a drudge! Any tips?

ll-yes, have kids. NO, not looking for an "answer" as such, just to learn from others who have been in similar position.

ludaloo: from when baby is 6 months I'll be teaching, but only for 9 hours a week. (I've got my own p/t school).

3 hours Saturday morning (so Daddy bonding time), and 3 hours each on Monday and Tuesday evening (when my Mum will have LO).

So I suppose the answer is: mostly.

Haven't really talked about how we're going to handle household stuff yet. We'll have a few conversations about it, work out a rough pattern, then throw it all out of the window when the realities of parenthood hit home.

Probably.

oh sorry i'm dictating again!.... well in my experience, I just got on with it...hope you sort it out, I have been there and I know what you are going through. (just try to life's too short)

hmm everyone is in a dfeerent situation really, hope it all works out ok!

different..(can't spell!)

thanks, don't worry, wasn't offended.
I'm lucky in some ways- I coudl give up work, we'd manage as dh has well-paid job but fighting against this currently. Think I'll give in to it though as all getting a bit much atm and baby hates being in nursery such long hrs.

Dh will do stuff that I tell him to do but mostly really, really poorly, and so then I get annoyed and he gets annoyed because he did it didn't he? . Hard not to think some times that it's deliberate to just stop me asking but I truly believe he just doesn't see.

He does a lot of cooking which has been great but leave such an unholy mess that, once again, I'm left feeling it would be actually less hassle to do it all myself. And then have to make an effort to be so damn grateful for it .

I blame his mother for raising a slob. If this baby is a boy he will be pushing a duster after himself by the time he can crawl .

I'm not sure if we split things 50/50, to be honest. We both work full time, although I'm hoping to reduce my hours when I return to work from maternity leave.

At the moment, we seem to have split the chores and it all ticks along nicely. My DH does all the cooking - he enjoys it. He also does all the things that I hate, such as sorting out the rubbish, cars etc.

However, similar to what others have posted, he just does not see dirt. So cleaning, washing clothes etc is left to me. I have a rota which tells me what to do each day so I do approximately 2 hours housework a day. Of course, I don't stick rigidly to it, and my aim is to prevent dirt rather than clean dirt, if you see what I mean!

What irritates me about my DH is that his idea of tidying is to tidy a room by placing all the clutter into a tidy pile, rather than putting clutter in the appropriate home. He'll also pick up discarded clothes from our bedroom, walk past the wardrobe, and go all the way into our spare room rather than hang or fold item and put away. I just don't get that....

Having said that, he is a damn good cook!

good...didn't mean to offend...we did fight about it constantly....I would cry for hours because I thought he didn't care about how I felt, and that I was stuck with the kids all day...and the house...but kind of had to eat humble pie because the reality of it was, I didn't want to go back to work and have someone else look after my kids, dh is self employed so he couldn't quit (he wouldn't last a week doing this anyway!!!!) so now I just get on with it.

DH can cook very well, but like zippy's DH, leaves a huge mess. He does, however, definitely take after his parents, who have a much higher dirt threshold (threshhold?) than me (putting it kindly).

just before I go this is how bad my dh is at domesticness.....
He can't replace airtight container lids (arrgghh! might aswell just leave whatever is in it out on the side!!!)
Never shuts doors..of any description, which allows our 14 month old to help herself!!!
One and only time he used the washing machine, put a dishwasher tablet in it.
He also cannot manage to pee in the loo properly (how hard can it be!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I mastered the art of peeing in a sample jar more successfully for gods sake!!!
Shall I go on?
(just makes me feel happy to know I can actually do SOMETHINGS better!)

Is this the book, rantothehills?

Haven't read it - is it good?

On this note, DH has extremely high standards and often intimates that I don't clean enough or to a sufficient level but actually rarely cooks, or cleans, or washes up, or changes nappies, or tidies.

I work p/t but do do household chores on my days off when DS is asleep in the afternoons. I've tried cleaning when DS is awake, but everything takes 10 times as long because you have to keep stopping to stop him doing something he's not supposed to (like retuning the TV!).

Today I've cleaned the kitchen and hoovered the lounge, and I have decided 'sod it', that's enough for today (hence MN!)

DH will blitz on cleaning very occasionally, but manages to make me feel incredibly guilty whilst doing it, even though when I'm doing all the housework and he's just sitting watching TV or snoozing, it doesn't seem to bother him at all.

He does put laundry on, but often forgets the softener so DS's clothes come out like cardboard .

I've decided it's not worth arguing about, and that my reward is in heaven!

yes, there you go:

Synopsis
To what extent has feminism benefited women? To what extent have women really been liberated? James Tooley argues that the implication of many women's testimony is that feminism so far has failed to deliver the promised benefits and has even in some ways proved harmful. Bringing together many women's voices, from Bridget Jones to Simone de Beauvoir, he provides a radical rethinking for feminism and sexual politics in the 21st century.
Not read it though but remember publicity surrounding it!

oh, I think too much! Had too much education for my own good, clearly!

My dh is good at noticing clutter and stuff not tidied away (but not necessarily doing anything about it...) but oblivious to things like cleaning floors and bathrooms.

When we both worked full time, no way did he do 50% around the house (and I also did most of the dropping off and picking up from nursery).

Tbh this was a big factor in me deciding to become a sahm after second child was born - I now do most of the housework/cooking (but also get to spend the morning shopping/havng coffee with my friends if I want!)

I will want to go back to work at least part-time sometime in the next few weeks but there will have to be BIG changes in our house when the time comes...

so I'm going in the other direction for the same reasons as you, KTP! I think life'll be easier if I'm just a sahm as opposed to trying to work as well. Just hope i don't regret giving up and can stick sahmdom f/t

This is a hrad one for me to answer!
xp1 never did a thing to help with house work, xp1 never done much full stop, I was looking after him as if was a DC.
YET
xp2 worked very long hrs but helped with DC
Done washing, drying and putting it away.
Cooked meals for me and him sometimes
Tied and hoovered, cleaned at weekends.
and would do other things in the garden, house (DIY,)shopping, etc.

SS say that xp2 was lasy and could have done more to help, and that after they told me that it was all part of life was looking after the man of the house. How crazy is that?

So I dont really know what the right way a DH/DP should be. BUT I dont have to worry about that as I am here with just the DC so I have to do it all anyway. the upside to that is I dont have DH/DP to look after or make a mess either

see, I was a SAHM for 5 years and yes, housework was my job as well as all the other roles whcih come with being a SAHM (playleader, teacher, short-orser cook, nurse, etiquette and social decorum department, social secretary, gardener, handyperson, administrator blah blah blah!)
But then I went back to work p/t, and nothing changed. I just had more roles and responsibilities, as I'm sure dh thought the new 'little' job was another one of my hobbies (like joining preschool committee and fundraising for a charity and volunteering had been when I was at home!)
Then, because of finances, I took on a 2nd p/t job and now the resentment is piling up (along with the unswept floors and unwashed dishes).
He just cannot see how much I have to do in order to maintain even the pitifully sad state the house is in at the moment! There are 2 sacks of old clothes waiting on the staircase as we speak, which he has agreed to take to the charity shop for me. That was a month ago. Ditto the dead branches in the front garden which I had to lop as they were causing problems for people walking on the street.

I'll stop myself now before I send you all to sleep.
But it is frustrating and I'm tired of constant 'talks' which achieve nothing.

One tip I saw in a book once was to write each thing you do on a piece of paper (eg, put washing in machine, hang up washing, sort out washing and put away - at least 3 tasks there). Then do the same for the things your dp/dh does. No doubt you will find your pile is a lot hight than your dp/dh's! Then negotiate which tasks you want moved from your pile to his - I think you have to be fairly rigid with most men - they need to know that something is "their" job so they won't have to exercise their little brains with wondering if they should do it or not...

Funny how things change with parenthood. DH & I had long long talks about it where I stated categorically that I was not maternal or domestic and having kids was only an option if he was a SAHD and I went to work. We had good division of household labour which worked except for washing up (I cook he wash, he cook I wash which was always I cook he leave it until he cooked, then I washed everything! Not well tolerated, but not huge rows). Once I got pregnant, well that was it. Suddenly he got a 'proper' job (ie in an office during the day, albeit part-time) without consultation and despite my objections once he actually told me, and had nothing more to do with domesticity. He is naturally much tidier/cleaner than me, so was constantly narky about the state of everything, added to which he felt sorry for himself for having to go to the office...

I became extremely ill during pregnancy and got worse and worse after birth. I was nagged to death by dh and mil (hence I hate her so much) and practically killed myself trying to please him (or at least to stop him complaining and treating me like a useless burden) even though I was back to working p/t when dd was 6 wks old trying to up my hours gradually to f/t. Not possible. So dh complained and ignored me and treated me badly and never did any housework except his own washing and ironing (and only because I didn't do it to his hugely exacting standards). When dd was nearly 3 I was diagnosed with horrid chronic and lifelong illness, which I thought would change things between dh and me, but he just got angrier and angrier and more awful. At the point of divorce we went to Relate and he finally realised he was being unreasonable and started being more sympathetic to my condition and helping out more. Then he (at last hooray!) gave up his foul p/t office job and went back to concentrating on his music, became much happier, improved his relationship with me and with dd and we are all reaping the benefits. I am also much fitter as I don't have the crushing burden of being useless and pointless. He tells his mil where to get off now too. We are flat broke, the house is a mess but we deal with things when we need to, and are generally happier. There's still a problem with the washing up though.... Does any of that tell you anything at all useful?

Its reassuring to learn I am not the only one who has a dh that is more like another child in the house than an equal partner. Don't know how many times I have had the "I'm your wife not your mother" conversation!! Housework is always an issue cause like you say, they just don't see it (or at least they can pretend not to better than us!!) I usually am pretty laid back about the house and so long as general day to day stuff is up to date I can be OK but then can have a huge blow out around the time of the month when I have a cleaning frenzy and go mad at him for everything (he seems to like taking his work clothes off in the kitchen and leaving them on the table or on top of the dirty washing basket - but they're not dirty!)

He is a good help with DS and we try to share tasks in the house but since being on Maternity leave, he has been used to things being done and only having to deal with the dishes at night (and making the bottles up although we usually do this together before bed). Now I am back at work four days a week (and battling with PND) he doesn't seem to notice that he should be doing a bit more (I get a day off during the week you know!!).

Again, don't really have any advice but its nice to know you are not the only one with these issues. I tend to go down the 'do it all myself with a lot of huffing and puffing to annoy him' route then we have a bit of a blow out. I just hate having to ask him to do something - WHY CAN'T THEY SEE IT NEEDS DONE!!! [angy]

Whoo, what you say about your Dad is really interesting. I would say 99.9% of my arguments with my Dad were about him not doing enough around the house. My Dad had been brought up that it was effeminate to do any housework so he was certainly never taught how to do any. However, I think a bigger factor is that he hated his mother fussing around cleaning things and therefore didn't want to live in the kind of household where the hoovering is done every day. To be fair, he wasn't' really bothered whether my mother did any housework - he just didn't and doesn't see cleaning as something that needs to be done. They now live in a house that is quite a candiate for Kim and Aggie, but certainly wouldn't come up to Anthea's standards. My mum decided that her life would be less stressful if she decided to lower her standards rather than change my Dad. However, I do find it quite stressful going round there: dog hairs all over the sofa, milk always left out, grill pan never cleaned.

I don't disagree with anything you have said Ranto theHills, and I am influenced by the fact that I am on maternity leave. However, I am used to organising things and being quite logical at work (I'm an accountant), and I find it easier to approach stuff like housework as though I am planning something at work - makes me feel as though I am a bit in control I suppose.

sorry, that should read "is NOT quite a candidate for Kim and Aggie"! sorry mum!

MadamePlatypus: I don't think my Mum's that bothered about my Dad not doing much: it just always bothered me.

And my brother is a complete slob. Lovely, but a slob.

It's really important to me that I don't lose respect for my DH the way I did for my Dad. (Love my Dad, btw).

DH was well aware of this before we moved in together, and so far so good.

I had a rant at dh for not pulling his weight around the house.He argued with me about it & would not back down & admit he was in the wrong.However,since then he has changed his ways completely & I don't have to ask him to do stuff now,he does it off his own back.
Tis a revelation,I tell you,lets hope it lasts.